Life with a schizophrenic parent and guilt
I’m 19, and as the title suggests, I’ve been living with a parent with schizophrenia—my dad.
He was diagnosed when I was 15, completely unexpectedly. It’s been four years, but I still haven’t truly adapted. There are random highs and lows—sometimes it feels like my family is finally normal again, and two days later everything falls apart emotionally.
My mom is a SAHM and my dad is the breadwinner, so his illness also put us through some difficult financial times. Somehow, we got through it. But when I look back at those four years, I don’t have many memories beyond watching my dad lose himself and my mom break down.
Lately, I’ve realized I’ve become almost numb to it. Every day I come home mentally preparing myself for whatever emotional breakdown I’ll have to comfort my mom through. I understand her pain and the enormous stress she’s been carrying for years, but I’m exhausted. I’m tired of listening to the same pain, their past marital problems, and the constant negativity. I feel guilty even saying that because I know she’s struggling too.
For four years, I never really expressed how I felt. My own stress never seemed important enough compared to everything my parents were going through.
What made it worse was that, when things were at their lowest, some relatives blamed me for my dad’s illness because my mom and I had moved back to our home country for my education. I was 15. They repeatedly cornered me and told me it was my fault. For a long time, I genuinely believed them and felt like I had ruined my own life and my family’s.
It took me about a year to understand that none of this was my fault. Yet sometimes that doubt still comes back: What if they were right?
I know dwelling on it only feeds self-blame, but it’s difficult to completely silence that thought.
My dad’s mental health has declined rapidly again over the past month, and honestly, I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore.
I’ve never talked about any of this with anyone—not friends, not online, not even anonymously. I think I just reached a point where I needed to finally say it somewhere.
When will this ever end.