u/No_Lychee7418

My mix of autism, depression, and chronic illness makes me completely unable to function.

I will get some help soon with keeping it cleaner but even that feels terrifying and makes me so stressed to think about.

My situation feel so shameful.

I am just rotting away in a space filled with trash and rotten food and mold and urine.

And i become so desperate in my situation i start lashing out and fighting with my mom.

I feel so confused with my situation because i feel like im not allowed to struggle with this. People dont see autistic they see a slob even other autistic people see me as a slob.

Do other autistic people struggle like this? Like is there autistic people out there who can function online but their room is a bio hazard or am i just broken?

I cant keep my environment clean it becomes a severe safety risk. I cant work. I need help with adult-tasks if not i just dont do them. I need help getting places. I need help to talk for me even tho i can talk.

Im just dysfunctional and no one sees it as my autism. Im just worthless and im so disgusting and my health is getting so much worse.

I also dont manage to get help and i dont even understand how to no matter how many times people explain it to me it just gets too much for me. And i feel too ashamed and disgusting to get help and undeserving of it. They would probably shame me and yell at me or try to force me to help myself even tho i can't

And even other autistic people get upset at me sometimes because everything i do is wrong and bad, my autism is never seen as a reason for anything i struggle with im just bad

Its so scary

I cant keep my environment clean and its just getting worse and worse and there is so so so so much trash and old food and i feel like im just breathing it all in like piles of it. I will be getting help from my moms cleaner who cleans her house soon but i am scared about it and feel guilty and ashamed.

And i am chronically ill but i dont manage the appointment stuff myself and my mom need to help me with it but she isnt helping me enough

And im getting worse and weaker

And im dealing with some personal stuff, my household is terrifying to me and im deeply mentally ill

And my health is getting so bad

Im so weak

And doctors dont care or listen to me, they dont test me properly, they dont take my signs of melanoma seriously either

And i dont manage to get to appointment myself and my mom, who terrifies me, is the one who helps me, but she dosent help me enough and i just end up unable to seek help or getting the help i need

Because i need help with everything

But i have no help

I dont appear autistic on the outside i dont appear disabled i dont appear ill

I feel like im either goung to die by suicide or health issues

All my distress from my living situation, my mom, and my mental health is making my health issues so much worse i feel so weak that i feel like my body is failing it literally feels like my body is collapsing and failing and that im dying everyday

Im so scared. Idk whats goingd on with my body im having intense chronic joint pain and limb pain and i feel super weak and walking is getting harder. Actually my entire body hurts and there is like a gnawing itching pain inside my bones. I also had two moles getting scabs and getting new moles which concerns me. Im too disabled to seek help and doctors dont take me seriously. I have an appointment in 2 weeks.

I just found out about prompt dependency. Oh my god. This is my autism, thats one of the exact things i struggle extremely much with from my autism. Prompt dependency.

And executive dysfunction, severe executive dysfunction.

To the point i will rot instead of being able to function or do something, even super simple and basic things other autistic people can do easily, and even when I'm seeming invisibly autistic, even being kinda a mix of low-medium support needs.

Both of these explain my specific autism struggles so much for my specific autism disability

I am on the path of moving to my own space but i need my moms help with everything because my autism makes things really hard for me. I need to move out because my moms household is unstable and terrifies me (dont want to talk about it). But i need my moms help with going to visitations, finding visitations, and prompting me to find somewhere. With my specific autism i need lots of help from prompting if not i will not do them and unable to do them. Anyways. Me and my mom are in contact with this service that helps ppl in financial struggles and struggle with moving out and they arent able to help with moving out besides giving advice. And i need my mom to help me finding visitations but she still hasnt done it, after the appointment she just havent done it, even tho she said she would, and i will have to remind her, and it makes me so distressed. I dont manage to take care of myself at my moms place, i stop functioning, my environment is a literal bio hazard with moldy dishes and urine and trash. Im also struggling with even just ordering food or making food now and im really hungry rn. That's one of the many reasons i need to move out because then i have my own space and im able to function better. But its taking too much and my mom isnt helping as much as i need and i just end up shutting down and unable to do anything since my autism need prompting and help. I feel like im just going to rot forever in here with all this disgusting trash and feeling like im going insane and crazy from distress and dissociation.

(please no advice, thank you).

Your support needs are too high for low support need spaces but too low for higher support spaces?

Youre welcome to share your experience below.

I often have the experience of feeling unwelcome in lower support need spaces because my struggles are too much, but feeling guilty for engaging in higher support need spaces.

My struggles are too much and too gross and too disgusting for most other autistic people

I cant work, cant drive, cant keep my space clean to the point of severe safety risk and biohazard, sometimes i have toilet issues, i have severe executive dysfunction, i need help with adult-things, my mom have to help me with everything in order for me to function, i dont manage to do a lot of independent things by myself and will just not be able to do them, and i need to be driven places by my mom, and struggle severely with going outside or to stores and im currently incapable of going to the store alone. I also have fluctuating and spiky needs, so i might struggle severely with something and be incapable of doing it to the point it affects my health and safety, then another time im great at it. I struggle a lot with functioning and i cant function, without help with basic things i just stop functioning and live in a bio hazard without any support, i also am incapable of working, or "helping myself", i just end up rotting without any prompting and help, i also need help in order to even initiate help. If someone tells me to do something a lot of the time i will just not be able to do it and i will just...rot. i also rock back and forth constantly when im alone. i also cant initiate friendships and mostly talk in short sentences. This is just some of my struggles.

Being "in between" autism experiences I find myself instead of feeling like i belong anywhere most of my energy goes into feeling like i need to explain my struggles and defend them, in low support spaces i need to explain how this is actually a part of my autism and its not that im just lazy and disgusting, and in higher support need spaces i feel like i need to always make sure my struggles are large enough. I never feel satisfied, i never feel like i can just talk about my autism.

Feel free to share if you relate.

Also again please no advice and pls dont suggest my struggles are not from my autism, i can get real triggered easily with this topic. Thank you for understanding.

I know i tag this as support but ur totally welcome to share your experience with your autism. i just am a bit scared of talking about it so i will be putting the support tag.

Please no advice. Also pls dont tell me my experience isnt from my autism. Thank you. If you relate, ur totally free to comment about it, it would be really appreciated actually, ur totally free to share your struggles.

I want to let out some of the things i struggle with. Im feeling really sad and overwhelmed and i need to get it out.

This is my experience as a late diagnosed (22) autistic person who is high masking and often "invisible" autistic on the outside. My autism also regressed a lot when i became an adult, when i was younger i still struggled heavily but i had more abilities. I really want to talk about it in a place that understands. I often find my struggles are too much for other autistics

I had to drop out of highschool

I cant work and have never had a job

I dont manage to drive

I cant keep my environment clean and sometimes i can not clean at all. This has lead to me often living with a lot of mold and trash and breathing it in. I have health issues too

Sometimes i am so scared of people or going out of my living space that i end up peeing and pooping in bags. Because of my cleaning struggle this often end up laying there for a long time and everything smelling horrible.

I need my moms help with a lot. This is not a choice, but because i dont manage to do many things alone. My mom and i have a toxic relationship

My mom need to help me with things like getting support, talking to people for me (i can talk i just struggle with it), taking me to appointments, coming with me in the appointments

My mom need to drive me places, and help me with wanting to move out

Finances confuse me

When im alone i rock back and forth constantly. Even right now when writing this im rocking a lot. But when i am outside of my living space i suppress it and it really affects me.

Social situations and communication confuses me and i struggle to understand social situations

Im living in an unstable household that makes me a lot worse

I struggle to seek help for my autism and mental health, even if i am at severe safety risk i still end up not managing to seek help and becoming frozen, and often i need my moms help with everything surrounding seeking help, including communication, transportation, researching

I get too scared to go to the grocery stores and its lead to me shaking from hunger (now i order food) and feeling very hungry

That was some of my struggles that i wanted to talk about

On the outside i just appear shy and not autistic because i appear so capable and normal and i feel like im drowning

Sorry i posted this post like 2 times already then deleted it because i keep changing what im trying to say.

I have what feels like moderate support needs (or low-moderate) and i can not keep my environment clean and i go into periods where i am completely incapable of cleaning. And im talking like very severely dirty to the point its a bio hazard.

But when i post this to autism spaces other autistic ppl tell me its not my autism and that i need professional mental help and that autism dosent cause this and they seem to get upset. Btw this has happened multiple times.

They then ask me, do i have adhd, depression,etc... like implying that its not my autism...?

It happened again and i have been panicking for hours about it and i started crying.

Is it true, that autism doesn't cause it?

Because i see a lot of autistic people struggle with these different things, but suddenly when i struggle, autistic people tell me that its NOT autism...?

Realizing that i have support needs that align closer to medium support needs has helped me understand myself but after those comments im lost again.

Someone also said something about me "saying these things is autism" is bad for stereotypes...? (Not exactly that but similar, cant remember wording).

Other autistic ppl (low support needs) say my struggles are NOT autism.

Am i making up being medium support needs and "they can tell that i actually CAN clean"? But then why cant i clean? And they told me "medium support needs ppl actually CAN seek out help" (or something) but yet i dont manage to and im terrified of getting help?

Also when i said i cant clean i got down voted

I feel sick to my stomach and i am so distressed. It genuinely makes me extremely extremely sad and distressed and i get very very dark thoughts about myself.

(dont tell me cleaning advice, it dosent help me and just makes me feel upset.)

My struggles with cleaning are closer to medium support needs and i cant clean my environment properly. I managed to clean my room a bit today but outside my room it's so dirty, so many old rotten dishes and rotten trash bags and there is trash all over the floor and gross liquids, and by cleaning my room i get so focused on cleaning my room that the outside of my room got even more dirty and i will just put things on the floor in the other room that was trash inside my room, and now there is just even more gross disgusting rotten trash bags rotting there.

It makes me feel disgusting and worthless.

I want to cry.

I hate when ppl come at me with the "if its actually as bad as you say maybe reply to those who commented" kind of thing.

Yes ive reached out to multiple reddit subs multiple times with my situation because i feel helpless and lots of ppl have told me different things to do like to call services or adult protective services and stuff but I don't manage to right now in my life, i am terrified. Also i dont manage to call people.

I also dont manage to call ppl and those things are difficult for me to do alone

I dont understand why ppl have to indicate im lying or that its actually not that bad because i am struggling to reach out for help or reaching out for support about it multiple times.

This also happen with my mental health. I have severe mental health problems, i reach out about them repeatedly, and people get angry about it and tell me i WANT to be mentally ill.

Like autism and mental illness makes it harder or impossible to reach out for help.

Now im just even more isolated and upset and triggered.

I had chronic fatigue for years but the last weeks after i got drunk once i am so much worse now and full body bone and joint pain and im so weak and tired and my legs feel so weak and painful i can barely walk sometimes. Im so scared

Also my moles over the past months have had some signs of melanoma and doctors dismiss it and dont test me. And even today a mole scabbed and i scraped it off like wtf ??

I feel like im dying i keep thinking im dying and im just getting worse and i have zero support and livr with my mom who dosent help me at all and is super busy

Idk whats happening to me im terrified

(dont have level/support label but feel closest to medium)

TRIGGER WARNING for health issues and concern about cancer

I feel helpless and upset at my mom.

I cant keep my environment clean and this causes so much mold right. And im chronically ill. So u can imagine breathing in mold dosent help the chronic illness.

It scares me a lot because im not sure what's wrong with my body and im showing some signs of melanoma in my moles. I have read that for some people it was triggered by mold.

Now today i saw this tiny mole i had before and it turned to a uneven black dot that i then scratched off.

Lately my health issues got so much worse and my bones hurt so much and my joints and eyes and my teeth and face and bose and legs and my whole body hurts so much constantly.

Im having thoughts that maybe it is in fact melanoma and that it spread to my body.

Keep in mind i tried to get tested multiple times but doctors refuse to test me!

I feel helpless and i am upset at my mom because my mom keeps going out to hang with her boyfriend and she is busy being a mental health coach while i am living at her place and breathing in literal mold cuz i cant take care of myself properly.

And now my whole body hurts and i saw that mole that i scratched off and my mom is outside with her boyfriend until tomorrow.

And i want to get doctor appointments to test and remove my moles but doctors dont take me seriously and they DONT test my moles and my mom is too busy working and hanging with her boyfriend so im scared it will take a while.

I feel terrified and im so scared that i have cancer in my bones.

Before i did not have body pain but after i got drunk some weeks ago i have started having chronic pain in my entire body, joins, legs, fingers, arms, elbows, face, eyes. Every part of my body aches and hurts. My bones hurts. Idk if it was the alcohol or not but my chronic illness did not used to have this.

It was enough to deal with the chronic fatigue, weakness, digestive issues, and mystery heart symptoms.

Now my entire body hurts so much that i cant even lay in bed without suffering deeply.

Im too disabled to get help, to get to appointments, and past doctors dont help me.

I feel horrified every single second.

Do anyone else see those type of comments under videos of autistic women?

Autistic women, with the diagnosis, will make some video about their autistic experience often as a lighthearted joke and the comments get filled with how thats something everyone does and everyone fakeclaiming them and commenting that actually those women are not diagnosed even though they are.

I saw some really cruel comments, people were saying these people deserve to get invalidated and shamed pretty much, because they are hurting the "real autistic people". Like, you ARE talking to real autistic people.

And the comments always downplay autism by saying things like everyone is autistic nowadays and that since everyone does those things it means everyone is autistic or that they are faking.

Things like this makes me feel really unsafe as someone with autism. I also have a lot of support i need for my autism that i am not getting to the point i am suffering constantly and these comments just make me feel even worse knowing they want people like me to feel invalidated.

I have never had the experience of reaching out for help and then getting help

There is times i have called the ambulance and even the ambulance dosent come

I have severe mystery chronic illness and doctors dont test me and dont help me and dont find anything wrong

I want to get tested for melanoma but when i go to the doctors they just look at it and say its okay and they dont test it

They just dont test my moles they just let me suffer

My bones hurt and my.muscles hurts and i have become so much weaker and i cant even sleep without pain and my legs feeling horrible and my muscles and bones

Still doctors dont test me and dont test my moles

I dont understand. Im so weak and my.limbs are suoer weak now like i feel like my limbs are going to break

Its such a confusing experience for me because i am "invisibly autistic" but my SUPPORT needs is closer to medium support needs or level 2.

My country don't use levels but my support needs are closest to medium support needs yet i dont seem autistic and it feels impossible to exist this way.

I feel like i constantly need to change myself or prove im autistic or "act more autiatic" or tell ppl constantly im autistic because my struggles and support needs are so much more significant than i look so no one takes them seriously and everything i do and struggle with is seen as some deliberate choice.

All the level 2 i have seen are more visibly autistic, so idk why im this way.

My country uses aspergers still and i got aspergers diagnosis but ppl just assume aspergers is = high functioning. Genius. High iq. Independent.

Its so invalidating because thats not my experience at all and my needs are closer to medium support needs but its invisible

I feel really lost right now. Keep in mind i might be the one in the wrong here, i dont have friends and i dont understand friendships. I dont understand how someone who would repeatedly reach out and let me talk of my severe mental health struggles suddenly becomes the person who gives me panic attacks and get so distressed i nearly went into psychosis. They knows i have chronic suicidality and lets me talk about everything and would reach out and allow me to talk about everything. But then i kept noticing hurtful statements wrapped in support. And feeling guilty when calling it out. And how every single message i hyper analyze it and find multiple hurtful things being said, and things that makes me feel unsupported. Just subtly. But in every single message and scenario. Every message leaves a pit in my stomach. On the surface it all seems sweet.

But what i don't understand is how or why would this person do this to me when they know i am suicidal and actively self harm myself on dangerous locations and im being manipulated by my mom and this person even called out my moms behavior towards me.

Maybe they arent trying to manipulate me is it just mismatched personalities? Im lost. Or are they just clumsy with communication?

Last week i had severe panic attacks and on the verge of psychosis after I felt dismissed and triggered by this person who once was so supportive and kind and all i am wondering how can they do that to me? They know how i react, why? I told them i am on the verge of suicide? Keep in mind they are the one asking about my mental health and whats going on, im not trying to trauma dump on them

This person is also a decade older than me and im a young adult so i look up to them

So lost

Im very welcome to insight and i need insight very bad, just please be kind