u/Open-Deer5373

My spouse (43m), Pear, recently spent a day/night with my meta Blueberry (39f) for the first time after a couple weeks of talking. None of my business, but if relevant, they spent almost the entire time in a hotel room.

After, Pear sent me a screenshot of their text chain for logistical purposes, but he accidentally included a text where he told her, “Thank you, truly. You made me feel alive for the first time in a very long time.”

That was a gut punch. I asked Pear about it, and he didn’t deny that was how he felt. We have had a lot of ups and downs in the past few years, and I know he’s frustrated with my seeming inability to let go and enjoy life (I deal with fairly tough depression/anxiety, which I am working on.. always lol).

I know he is “allowed” to say and feel this, but it just hurts. Do I ignore it and try to live my own best life? Is there a way to talk about this that won’t end in tears?

ANY advice welcome 😭

Super down today moms. My husband and I can’t stop fighting. He thinks I am lazy and selfish and letting him worry about the future while I do nothing and that I don’t care about our kid’s future. I’m frustrated because he won’t take my opinions seriously and just says “you say no to everything, so why should I listen?”

Some things are legitimate (like wanting to move our money around to make bigger returns- totally fine w that) and some are like- I want to buy more firearms since the country is going to shit (we already have a ton and I don’t believe owning more will protect us better). Or “don’t nag me about spending on hobbies” (we set up personal budgets but he mostly ignores them and has spent thousands on things like Warhammer figurines. Again, ok to indulge a hobby but it feels like he does not respect my right to have a say in our money at all)

I do work (from home - he has to commute, another sore spot) and take care of most of the childcare / activities as well as almost all daily house chores. I could do a better job of those.

I just wish he wasn’t so cruel and hurtful about it. Maybe I am just being way too sensitive and whiny. I do have serious problems with depression and anxiety. I was improving for a while but things are bad right now. Still mostly functioning ok.

I know he is also suffering but it’s extremely hard to move towards him under the current circumstances.

I’m so fucking depressed and down on myself. I’m mad that I’m not stronger and can’t just get up and do what I think is best.

My kid is in the other room on her 3rd hour of TV. Mom of the year 🙃 Dad is asleep - went to bed at 9am, usually sleeps most of the day on weekends and is upset I am tired and won’t stay up later to hang out with him. He also thinks my interests are boring and that I’m not interested enough in his.

Could just use some hugs and any advice is also welcome.

ETA Since a lot of people have commented on this - Yes, I can definitely choose not to have sex with him. I have been reluctant to do so because when we are not having sex, he doesn’t feel loved, which is awful, and also therefore not motivated to change (at least regarding me). Terrible reasoning, but that’s the reasoning for me I guess.

Hope it’s ok for a lurking mom/wife to post, will try to keep it concise!

When we first got together 15 years ago, my husband was nerdy/into gaming as well as active - did a lot of biking, hiking, lifting, etc.

Now we’re older, have a youngish kid and demanding jobs, and he has stopped exercising of his own volition. He doesn’t floss and often doesn’t brush his teeth or shower for many days in a row. He can often spend 16+ hours in a row sitting in front of his computer setup and prefers that to any other activity.

I know he doesn’t feel his best/is probably depressed (we have a lot of other issues; we are both in individual and couples therapy) and don’t wish to force anything on him. But it’s causing major issues with our sex life, which makes him even more depressed. I don’t ever feel drawn to him in that way. We do still have a fair amount (2x/week on average).

He does have ADHD (medicated) if relevant. I try hard to support him and scaffold our schedule so he doesn’t need to plan family stuff, although I know he resents how I handle that sometimes. (I don’t force him to do family things 24/7- he has a lot of time for hobbies, but never feels it’s enough. He also does handle certain asynchronous but major things like dealing with mortgage paperwork, ect.)

I feel SO much guilt and shame for not feeling attraction. I still love him, and it’s not about weight, it’s the lifestyle/habits. I am very imperfect too and often wonder if we are just not compatible, and he should be with someone who wants him exactly as he is.

I’ve been very honest with him about this and not much has changed. Do I just need to let him make his choices and not have sex unless something changes?? How would you want your SO to handle this?

**ETA**: since there’s some confusion, I don’t believe he was referring to HER frisking him, but security.

TL;dr of our beautiful cheating story: Husband had a one night stand a couple of years ago and also a history of sexting other women in secret. Been in therapy for a while, repairing, etc.

On Friday he had a text exchange with a woman he works with (sort of, not directly- I don’t know exactly where she works, could be in his building or elsewhere- important for context). There are older texts but those are more standard, although not 100% straitlaced.

Her: “Time for a quick sync today?” (This isn’t really weird, he talks to/meets with people all day)

Him: “Sure (blah blah)
Later: “ugh finally done, which floor are you on?”

Her: “15th”

Him: “Damn, am I gonna get frisked going up that high?”

Her: “Lmao no”

Him: “Damn I was hoping for one. Ok omw”

Her: “Okayyy”

Am I fucking crazy or is this flirty and sound like a code for “let’s hook up (maybe at my apt building”)?? I feel like I’m losing it.