u/Ordinary-Eggplant784

I work on a call center, despite this I have completely disasociated from my own voice. My worksona being a woman is perfectly fine. I get "ma'am" all the time, but it's ok because that's not me.

I entered one of those tiktok live things to make a joke and completely forgot what I sound like. Reading the chat refering to me as a girl and saying I "sounded like a child" absolutely destroyed my self esteem rn.

I'm 20 years old this shit isn't cute anymore somebody end me. Why can't I be a man I can't do anything I just sound like a little girl oh my fucking god kill me. Please.

Anyone watch the movie obssesion? I can't stop thinking about the scene where nikki wakes up and starts screaming "it's not me". I really feel like sometimes I just "wake up" and realize this is not me. Nobody knows me. I am not me.

Recently a friend began talking about how he met up with a teacher from back in high school, saying he had some "gossip" the gossip being... Outing a stealth trans guy from our school. He said "she was actually a woman!" and began refering to him with she/her AS IF HE DIDN'T HAVE +5 YEARS OF MEDICALLY TRANSITIONED AND BEING STEALTH.

It angered me so much I actually just stepped out and screamed. I spend all day every day repressing because of this exact fear of being perceived like that. Not as a man, or even a trans man, but as an antisocial little girl pretending to be a man. The idea that someone who was completely lucked out with a supportive family, the means to medically transition and the ability to be stealth could have it all ripped out, and be also reduced to just "a girl playing pretend" just destroyed me.

I know my friend wasn't even trying to be transphobic or anything, he's just a normal guy who doesn't know about this stuff, but wouldn't it be obvious that someone who has gone out of their way to transition would not want to be refered to as a "woman" or with she/her?

It makes me feel so hopeless. Even if I was lucked out I could never truly be seen as who I am. And why would I even try when everything is against my favor? But the more I repress I become more of a recluse. I've found myself lashing out more and more at these small things to the point I stopped hanging out with all my cis guy friends, because they just don't get it. They are always making some mysoginistic or transphobic comment that just pushes me over the edge.

But I'm repressing and closeted so I just came off as a woke snowflake ig lol

(The other part of the gossip was that a married teacher was cheating on their partner who was also a teacher, with another teacher. That was crazy actually)

One of the main reasons I dont want to start hrt and want to detransition socially, despite dysphoria or dysmorphia or whatever, is that I'm afraid of becoming ugly and unlovable, all to not pass and just be a weird thing in between. I want to fit into society, I dont want to be a freak. And in this patriarchal society, women's value is based on their appearance. If I destroy my body no man would ever love me. Despite how much I want to be a man, I could never pass, so I would never be loved as a man either.

If I could choose I'd be a gay man. I don't know if it's internalized misoginy or dysphoria or perversion, but I will never be one. It is what it is.

I dont feel like I'm choosing this for myself. I feel like I'm just afraid of losing the little societal (male) validation I get. I also feel like being able to date a man, in a very freudian-penis-envy sort of way, is the closest I can get to being a man.

That's not really the reason I see most people here detransition, but I imagine it's implicit. When people describe themselves as freaks for having done HRT, that's what I imagine they mean. A freak to society, a lack of validation from men, a "broken woman" who's become infertile, ugly and useless to the patriarchy. Obviously, the patriarchy is bad, but it's an unchangable lense through wich society sees you. People will never see me as anything other than a woman. At the very least, I could keep pretending to be one.

I can't stop thinking about this video. If you cried every day for 6 years about not being a man, how could you not be a trans man at all? All I want is to be a man. Idk if it's dysphoria or misoginy, but I would give literally anything to be one. But I will never pass and will never be respected so what's the point in transitioning or living at all?

But this person turned out to not be trans and to have found happiness in their femeninity. Every time I try and be more femenine I feel so deeply uncomfortable. But being masculine feels even worse, like I'm a cheap imitation of a man and a freak. I don't know. I feel subhuman

I slowly kinda stopped hanging out with people bc I'm autistic and I just can't handle socializing these days. I expected some people to ask what was going on but nobody ever reached out to me.

Not only that, but a childhood friend recently went out of their way to cut me off and said I was too selfish bc I didn't reach out to them while they were going through something. They're right I should be there for them, but I'm baffled that they couldn't understand why I wasn't, and ironically didn't reach out to me either. Instead of letting the relationship fizzle out like everybody else, they decided to slam the door on me on their way out.

I get I'm a downer to be around and I'm not very responsive to text messages, but I feel like I was mantaining all these friendships for nothing if they would never be there for me when I need them. And I've asked for help. I am very open about my mental health rn, how I don't know what to do with my life and how I hate having a job or studying or living in general. All I've gotten is "you should try harder" and "idk I dont think about it that hard".

I don't feel particularly lonely right now. More so just unsupported and uncared for. So long burning myself out for these people for what? I probably do sound selfish, and I mean, I probably am. I can't bathe most weeks, people know this, I don't know what they expect. I'm severily neglectful bc i'm depressed. This is not news. I guess no one cared to listen to that part.

I hate when people tell those with depression to just go outside, go on walks, get some fresh air or go to the fucking gym. I did ALL of that at the peak of my depression thinking it would solve my mental health problems. I went to the gym three times a week, hanged out with friends, went to class and got good grades. All it did was make people believe I didn't have depression. I couldn't get the help I needed because I was "doing so well". All I really got was a shit ton of burnout.

It's the worst advice you can give to someone who's depressed, you're making it out to be like they're just too lazy to get better. And it can even be dangerous, because the supposed "energy" you get from doing exercise can actually motivate depressed people to harm or even kill themselves.

Personally, going to the gym only gave me constant intrusive thoughts about my body.

The people who say "oh I was depressed and I just started going to the gym!! Now I'm much better" weren't depressed in the first place, they were just sad, and now they're making it worse for everyone who actually is.