u/Paul10125

It's the third time I've tried going to the gym, this attempt is the one I've lasted longer, 6 months. I just don't like it, it's boring and it feels like I force myself to go there, I hate weight lifting. I'm joining a volleyball team in September and I'm hoping to get into judo/jiu jitsu classes as well but I just can't with the gym. I also feel like there is just so much societal pressure to be fit and lite a damn greek statue or otherwise you aren't beautiful, especially in the gay spaces in my area, which I'm a part of. This whole body culture thing is really messing with my brain and my ED.

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this but I'm an adult and have an estranged relationship with my parents so I guess it is. I'm 20 and due to economical circumstances had to move back to live with my parents. Recently my mother fractured her leg and has to wear a cast for around a month. She is/has always been my primary abuser, my father a close second, because maybe he wasn't as direct as she was, but he is just as neglectful and acts as if his problems aren't his to solve.

Anyway, my mother has always had anger issues, she often yelled at me for the smallest thing, everything was my fault. According to her I was an ungrateful, selfish brat that didn't do a single thing right and a bad son. Last night I came home from work and she just started yelling at me, that I'm useless, that I do nothing right that I'm a selfish bastard that doesn't care about her and that she had to spend the whole afternoon on her own when she most needed me. She never was there for me when I was bullied for 10+ years, she was never there when I was in distress, she was never there, period.

I as a reasonable adult, told her that her yelling hurt others and that that way of dealing with her frustration was childish and really unproductive, of course she just yelled more at me. I haven't spoken to her since besides telling her good night, good morning and hello, basic politeness because oh poor me if I don't dare say hi to her.

Today, at several points, my dad has tried to guilt trip me into talking to her and being affectionate with her because "she is in pain and has had some rough days lately". If I yelled at everyone and mistreated them every single time I'm in pain and/or have a bad day, I would probably be institutionalized or something, it's such a shitty excuse. He has kept trying all day, arguing that I too have bad days and they aren't like this (lie) and that I should have my issues looked at (yes, it's always me dad, you obviously can't be in the wrong here).

And yes, I'm in therapy for this and yes, I'm aware I'm angry right now but sorry for standing up for myself I guess, apparently I should feel really ashamed of behaving like a well adjusted human being instead of an egotistical and abusive person.

Edit to add: When my father kept pushing I calmly answered that I wasn't gonna be affectionate to her because my affection isn't free, that I wasn't giving it to someone who treats me like that.

I fucking hate this.

I hate myself, I hate my life.

I hate this fucking disorder.

I hate that I can't cry.

I hate everything that has made me this way.

I hate that I'm full of hatred.

I hate my body.

I hate that I can't sleep.

I hate that I don't have good friends.

I hate that my brain won't shut up.

I hate that I can't feel anything but shame and anger.

I hate that I judge others so much.

I hate that I am suicidal again.

I just hate life.

I just wrote this in a frenzy, I'm at a very low point, please someone just tell me things will be alright in the long term. God I need a new therapist.

So yeah, last Saturday I hooked up with a guy, we kissed and eventually he gave me a handjob and I gave him one too. This was after a local outdoors party and so I had had a few drinks and he was more drunk than I was. Anyway, we have friends in common tho we hadn't met before and I asked for his instagram. I enjoyed what we did and he was super chill with me being trans. I really don't have much experience with cis guys (or many people, for that matter). Now, would it be weird to write to him and be like "hey, how are you doing?" "I enjoyed what we did, would you like to see me again?”

Or something along those lines, maybe I'm overthinking this too much. Anyway, any advice is welcome.

I've had to move back with my parents and it's destroying my sanity. Our relationship was way better when I was 3 hours away.

Practically every time I interact with my mother it's like going back to my childhood, being critisized for every single action, being screamed at for no literal reason, berated for not helping and reprimanded if I help because it's not good enough.

My father is no better, he keeps putting things under the rug and/or being dismissive just not to face my mother. He also keeps making fun of me, ignoring my feelings even when I've explicitly told him that his actions bother me, he just couldn't care less.

And don't get me started on my grandmother, that woman will make me commit murd*r. She keeps critisizing my clothes, actions, every single little thing about my life.

I'm agonising, I just feel like the past 2 years away from them and all the therapy have gone down the drain. I really try and mantain boundaries, not be affected by their comments but I just bottle everything up and then I start spiraling. Every time I look at them I can't feel love for them, I'm just reminded of every single thing they've done to me and I'm honestly feeling like crap, because I know better, I should've expected this to happen.

So, I've recently joined a new volleyball team, I moved and had to find a new one. Anyway, the team is a mixed one, there are both men and women. The men in the team are pretty open politically speaking, as far as I've seen, it's only been a couple weeks. They shower in the locker room after every training/game, and I'm the only one that doesn't because they don't know I'm trans. I'm pretty stealth and I don't really tell anyone except people that knew me before transitioning. I HATE going home sweaty and dirty (I have a 45 min drive home) and I've been really thinking that I'll just shower with them and test my luck. But I'm scared about their reaction. So yeah, I'm looking for advice/experiences.

Edit: typos, I hate dislexia

Edit 2: I've had top surgery and have no visible scars