Hey everyone,
I got home from the San Jose, CA pop up shop and I just noticed for a second that I didn’t see any varsity jackets on the flyer or inside the pop up shop ..
Am I trippin or did the San Jose pop-up shop didn’t have the varsity jackets? 😭
this is just a POCD rant:
I’m currently not in therapy for my POCD due to my work schedule and I just can’t find timing for it as well. And I think it’s so embarrassing going to therapy for POCD .. like talking about it with a therapist makes me so fucking scared .. like MEGA SCARED
My POCD has got so worse throughout the past 4 months .. like I think my brain chemistry has altered in a bad way or something .. like it makes me so sad
I’m 24 years old and it’s like .. fuck man .. :(
Sitting with the unknown is crazy as FUCK to me .. but the groinal responses (arousal non accordance) .. is killing me
Or what I hope is to be false arousal because sometimes it’s not just a groinal .. or just a “twitch” due to the intrusivity .. sometimes it’s a half erection or at worst .. a full on blown erection/arousal
Like I don’t even have as many intrusive thoughts anymore .. I get groinals when looking at a t33n .. and then I’ll get a .. you know .. and it’s so sudden ..
I’ll compulse after an hour AND IM BACK TO “NORMAL” again … wtf man
Sometimes even when I see a child, I’ll get these weird ass unwanted intrusive thoughts and sensations
Like yo wtf ?????
It’s throwing me the fuck off
Like sometimes it’s also an “impulsive false attraction” where it feels like “I want this” or “like this” like no the fuck I don’t
Like I was compulsing and came across a video of this t33n couple and it’s them kissing (just a peck) and I’m just flooded with unwanted intrusive thoughts and how “it should be me doing this” and “I want this” and just hyper focusing on the girl and I just had this mental sensation of anxiety and paranoia because it’s like “oh fuck here we go .. I might get a bad groinal .. or even worse ..”
Like is it typical for physical symptoms like groinal responses/arousal to get worse with OCD (POCD in particular)? Feels like my groinal responses use to be just tingles and now sometimes they feel like actual erections and normal arousal. Is this a common experience?
I’d do anything to just be a normal human being again
(24M) - Hey guys
Idk wtf just happened last night lmao .. I was okay for a week and just had a terrible fucking relapse when scrolling on social media
Idk how to explain it but.. but the logic behind POCD (and what I hope it is) is so dumb to me
Sometimes I think I’m the exception because most people with POCD have the unwanted intrusive thoughts and then the unwanted groinals/arousals
But for me, sometimes I don’t have the intrusive thoughts. It just .. HAPPENS .. like a twitch or a small “groinal/arousal” where I actually feel the blood flowing and it might turn into .. THAT. But I still feel disgusted, paranoid and scared because wtf is this?????
And it’s fucking weird because I came across this random 16 yr old girl on Instagram and BOOM !!
But the thing is it was so automatic. Nothing was appealing. Nothing. Like I’m fully aware this is a whole child .. a teen ..
And I got paranoid cs wtf???
5 mins later, I compulse and test myself again and NOTHING HAPPENED. Like I was just back to normal
I just showered as I’m getting ready for work (and typing this) and I compulsed again and nothing happened. No reaction, no unwanted groinal, no nothing. Just blank.
wtf ???????????????????????
Anyone else have similar experiences ?
I barely see anyone on here or Reddit talk about a specific experience just like this
(24M) - Hey guys,
If you guys remember me, I was pretty active the past 3 years I suffered with HOCD but I’ve been inactive because my HOCD has pretty much diminished from a 99% to like maybe a 5%. I suffer with a different subtype now, which is POCD and Real Event OCD but likewise .. no matter if it’s HOCD/SO-OCD or whatever subtype it is, watching p0rn is not good for you in the long run .. ESPECIALLY this subtype (HOCD)
I still suffer with porn addiction as well
I once seen a post on N+OCD where a dude was counter-attacking the OP, basically saying how porn doesn’t affect the human mind because studies was proved it helps with relieving stress and some type of testicular cancer for men
While that’s 2 “good things”
But on the other hand, from my personal experience and being exposed to porn since the age of 10 until now (24), I can say porn has affected several parts of my life + my progress with OCD recovery:
Even when it comes to HOCD, in my experience, it lead to compulsion use of watching gae porn and tranny porn .. which was fucking disgusting 😂😂😂
I know for me, I used to watch a lot of p0rn on Reddit and my HOCD flare ups occurred because I’ll scroll scroll scroll and accidentally come across gae / tranny content like Ayo ?? AND THATS WHEN THE GROINALS WOULD OCCUR … and this is something I see many young men and women struggle with as well with HOCD and I get it .. it’s fucking hard .. but you honestly just gotta stop watching p0rn .. like seriously .. and I could take my own damn advice as well 😭😭 Like even now, it doesn’t bother me as much and I scroll past like “meh .. whatever” but I sure get fooled on social media when certain people from the Filipino demographic appear on my Instagram fyp and I think it’s cis-woman and then you see it’s a trans (No shade towards the community though)
In terms of POCD, others may be fearful of certain porn videos online that they fear may be containing individuals who maybe aren’t of age (but they are of age) .. but it’s the FEAR behind it (+ groinals , sensations , physicalness , etc.)
Hi all,
I've been suffering from OCD for a couple of years now (3 years to be exact). I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15. I had therapy with NOCD back in 2023 for POCD and once again for about a month during the summer. I had to stop therapy due to my work schedule. However, recently I've been obsessing about a new theme which has been really bothering me since June of 2026 (for nearly 4 months now).
So essentially, I'm a 23 year old straight man (I turn 24 on Sunday), and I've been bothered by the fact of having these serious false attractions (or what I believe it is false attraction) and groinal/false arousal (I hope it’s false) towards 16/17 year old t33ns.
A question that pops up in my head is:
Can POCD attach your real desires to children? I seem to get impulses of attraction which cause me to go in panic mode. Does anyone else have this?
This is disturbing to even type but it somehow feels like I messed up my brain. It feels like I fell into this “conscious realisation” that I SOMEHOW find teenagers who are 16/17 years old “more attractive” than those my age.
Not sure if this matters but I also became hyper-sexualized since 10/11 years old, when I began watching p0rn and consumed lots of content. I still watch p0rn today but not as much but I feel like it makes things worse.
I did something really dumb over the summer .. and this is where my OCD comes in - In recent weeks, it's really latched onto this and other things and made me feel like a monster, pervert etc. I've been finding it really hard not to give into compulsions like ruminating, looking at t33ns online, testing for groinal response or researching the morality of being attracted to a teenager (out of pure compulsion). The worst feeling is when I feel a groinal .. like a false groinal arousal by a 16/17 year old - I mean, what am I supposed to do then?
It's like somehow .. and some way .. it is really difficult for me to control how I feel??? Like in the heat of the moment it feels like “I desire it”, but immediately afterwards a wave of anxiety hits and I feel really disgusted with myself ..
In addition, my OCD has been making me question whether I'm also attracted to younger teenagers (e.g. around 13/14 years of age). I used to be certain that this was not the case, but I've been thinking about this so much that in recent days I've began doubting myself - even though deep down I'm pretty sure I'm not attracted to kids, I feel so much anxiety when I think about this and part of me isn't sure anymore. I've also been experiencing more groinal responses which have made things worse.
So yeah, I really want this BS to end. I want to go back to what I was like las year, when I wasn't worrying about any of this and was much happier. I'm really worried that if I go back into therapy once my schedule clears up, they might think that I really am a sicko monster. What do you guys think?
Yeah .. thanks for reading my post ..
If you were to think of a child or see a child and get a impulse of attraction towards them, like the idea of it but then after go into deep panic and shame and begin rumination, can this make POCD even worse?
Like for example, when I’m on social media and I come across pictures/video of t33ns (15-17) .. it’s like this weirddddd sense of like “impulse of attraction” but I know it’s false
Idk how to describe it but it feels WEIRD AS FUCK and then it brings me into a deep sense of shame and guilt because I don’t want to feel this .. I don’t want this like I don’t desire it at all
Like as if “I want it” but I actually don’t. Not sure how to describe it sometimes but it also makes me doubt if it’s even POCD sometimes and it’s very scary
Even in the sense and context of ERP and “sitting with the uncertainty” and “sitting with it,” I just CANNOT do it all the time .. it’s hard as fuck ..
I turn 24 next Sunday and I get super duper scared thinking about as I get older… ☹️
(23M) - Chat … guess what happened and CAME BACK
Good ol HOCD false attraction mixed with verbal compulsions
Hahahahahha 😂😂😂
Before my current theme (which is POCD and I’ve had for 4 months), HOCD/Sexual Orientation OCD was my main theme for 3 years.
Honestly .. it didn’t bother me as much as I expected but .. it’s still like “alright bruh .. not this again, I thought we was over this” lmaoo
Idk tho .. it was tiring though ..
Still sucks how my HOCD started .. long story short, I talked to my ex back in 2023 how I got groomed by another gae boy when I was 10-11 years old. And she proceeded to ask me inappropriate questions asking me “if I still like boys” and whatsoever and it was really disturbing to me because I’m telling you what really happened and you’re gonna ask me that?? wtf 😂😂
But back to what I was saying, it was the usual triggers, how I came across a feminine dude online and false attractions popping up in my head and for some reason .. idk about you guys but I’ve always had this VERBAL COMPULSIVE URGE to say OUT LOUD any false attractions thoughts that pop up in my head ..
Weird asf huh
Anyone else or it’s just me ?? 😦 ..
Random ass words like:
“hot” “he’s so sexy” “I want that” “I want to be with them!”
Shit like that .. 😦😦 and the same thing, once it slips up out of my mouth, I’m not anxious but I’m repulsed as like an automatic “ayo what the fuck was that???” reaction
It was 3 minutes of hell for me but I pushed through
Not sure what to think of POCD anymore. This is pretty embarrassing.
I’m 23 yrs old, male, and I turn 24 yrs old in 3 weeks and I’m just very scared and afraid of what the future holds me in terms of OCD, POCD and anything else.
I’m just clueless and speechless now. It’s been almost 4 months of this and it’s been the longest 4 months of my life.
Aight so something just happened earlier today and this is the second time this has happened within the span of 48 hours (2 days). I was scrolling on Instagram and a girl on social media (around the age of 15/16 with adult characteristics) appeared with revealing clothing. She was wearing like very short shorts and I fucking got “aroused.”
Idk wtf happened but before I realized it, it was instant. I looked at that video for like 2-3 seconds then realized it was a t33n. I wasn't even thinking about POCD or p3d0 worries, so there is no way it was false arousal because it felt actually REAL. I wasn't testing nor checking, it was instantaneously. Thinking about it is still making me feel disgusted. I think I give up, this is just denial at this point and there's proof of it.
When I’m masturbating to p0rn, it made POCD worse but I’ve stopped and let it go within these 4 months. I wish it was just "raging hormones" as people say but idk, but I’m just so afraid it isn't.
If things don’t get better, then I’m not sure what to do. I just hope to make it to 30 yrs of age and have a happy life.
Thanks...
POCD - NSFW trigger
(23M) - I've been reading other posts on the NOCD app and on Reddit .. and some people say that when they see kids/t33ns, they look away when they have POCD, it's the complete opposite for me it seems like, it seems like I constantly look at them and constantly check.
From June of 2026 to the first week of this month (August of 2026), I would constantly look at them, constantly check if I'm turned on by these thoughts, experiencing terrible groinal responses, incest intrusive thoughts, and even sexual intrusive thoughts/scenarios
Now it seems like I fucked up my brain :/ .. now, it seems like I constantly look at them just out of “its POCD nature” or SOMETHING .. I don’t understand .. I will come across a t33n on Instagram and I get this tingle or something .. idk .. to just tap on the picture and glare at them and then leave. I can easily tell now when they’re not of age but still .. the same shit happens
Like when I see women my age (22-26 yrs old), it’s natural for me to tap on it because I just know they’re around my age. Like I don’t doubt it, nothing, and I sense a profound sense of attraction. Sometimes .. I don’t feel attraction .. and that makes me paranoid.
But now, it’s like coming across a t33n on Instagram, it’s like some “stupid subconscious urge to naturally” tap on the post to see it ?? That’s the best way for me to describe it. I hope that makes sense.
Back then, it was the same thing but it was to check any body sensation or thoughts. Now it seems like it’s done out of “habit” ????? I don’t fucking know dude .. wtf is going on
I feel like I have to scroll back up to look at it.
Sometimes i do it without thinking, but mainly its to check how i feel about it i think. What should i do about this? Is it a compulsion?
The worst part is before I do this I feel I have to look further in to see if there is more which then crates algorithms suggesting I enjoy it. Before I know it, it's everywhere! I can't tell if I'm just checking or if I want to look at it and it's just shame and guilt about being in denial.
I feel like I can't escape. I just wish I could turn it all off.
I don’t want it. I don’t desire it.
Did I mess up my brain? What’s wrong? Did I unknowingly fuck up my consciousness?? I’m completely lost in this maze of POCD ..
(23M) - Can OCD (POCD) give false attraction? Noticed someone online, she looks like she could be in high school. My brain automatically thinks because I think a girl is pretty/attractive I am automatically a p3do. Has anyone ever encountered something like this?
This has never happened to me before. Deadass .. I would scroll online and automatically know if a girl is not of age and keep it pushing. And now it’s like my mind has done a full 360 change .. like it’s so latched on to teenagers now
Nowadays, girls be 23/24 and don’t even look like it. Now it’s 15/16/17 yr olds looking 18/19/20 and up nowadays .. shits triggering me and making me stress out
For context, I went through HOCD/SO-OCD from 2023 to May of 2026 (this year) and it felt like at some point, I found every dude “attractive” or like I “wanted them.” The false attractions would also latch on to dudes who looked a certain way. The false attractions were crazy too because it would be full on statements like “oh he’s sexy” .. like some crazy ass shit like that .. yeah ..
It’s the same thing here but with POCD towards a certain age group who look a certain way
Has anyone else ever encountered something like this before?
(23M) - Can OCD (POCD) give false attraction? Noticed someone online, she looks like she could be in high school. My brain automatically thinks because I think a girl is pretty/attractive I am automatically a p3do. Has anyone ever encountered something like this?
This has never happened to me before. Deadass .. I would scroll online and automatically know if a girl is not of age and keep it pushing. And now it’s like my mind has done a full 360 change .. like it’s so latched on to teenagers now
Nowadays, girls be 23/24 and don’t even look like it. Now it’s 15/16/17 yr olds looking 18/19/20 and up nowadays .. shits triggering me and making me stress out
For context, I went through HOCD/SO-OCD from 2023 to May of 2026 (this year) and it felt like at some point, I found every dude “attractive” or like I “wanted them.” The false attractions would also latch on to dudes who looked a certain way. The false attractions were crazy too because it would be full on statements like “oh he’s sexy” .. like some crazy ass shit like that .. yeah ..
It’s the same thing here but with POCD towards a certain age group who look a certain way
Has anyone else ever encountered something like this before?
[POCD] I have got a horrible judgment of age, and I'm always scared that people l'm attracted to are actually minors
I found a post similar to what I’m going through on this r/OCD subreddit but it’s from 5 years ago
This shits tripping me out because I found a girl on my “for you page” on instagram and who I thought looked and appeared 19 .. checked the page, saw pictures .. and then I seen the bio .. looked it up to see if it was a college and it’s not .. it says it’s a high school
That’s the thing .. I’ve come across girls who are 19/20/21 or 24 and don’t even look like it. Now it’s like I have the cautiously lookout if they’re of age
And this shit happened and I felt a groinal BEFOREHAND finding out her actual age and I check again and it’s like this feeling of shame like “aw fuck wtf?”
Shits making me paranoid
—- (NSFW trigger warning + POCD things)——
I can’t take it anymore
I just can’t
POCD making me feel like I am due to past events of idiotic things I’ve done
https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/s/k5DHiZIsmz
https://www.reddit.com/r/intrusivethoughts/s/GZsJHEa5xc
These 2 posts I’ve been ruminating on and I’m disgusted myself and shameful of the 2 events I told you about . Can’t believe that happened . I’m stupid
Here is context:
I’m 23 years old, male and since I was very young, starting at the age of 10 or 11, I’ve had a terrible porn addiction. I’ve watched all kinds of porn since I was younger until now (hentai, roleplay, family roleplay, and other categories I don’t recall exactly). I’ve also had undiagnosed OCD since 2023, and I’ve been through several subtypes (HOCD/SO-OCD, pOCD, Health OCD, Religious OCD, Harm OCD, Meta OCD, etc.)
(My HOCD/SO-OCD started in 2023 because when I was 11, I was groomed by another gae boy who had a liking into me and he kept pursuing me until I was 18/19 years old.)
Porn has really affected me from 11 until now and I’ve repressed the fact that porn took over my life, made me very lustful, I have no control over my sexual energy, ruined my last 2 relationships with women because they couldn’t stand the fact I watched porn. I’ve tried semen retention, NoFap, etc. but nothing .. it’s just hard for me .. I used to jack off at least 5 times a day when I was an adolescent but not sometimes it’ll be once everyday or some bs
This is very disturbing to even type but when I was like .. 10-13 yrs old .. I recall I was laying down and my father was like staring me from on top. So I’m laying down and I briefly open my eyes and he’s just there looking at me sideways. Idk how to describe but some reason, I recalled this happening at 20 yrs old and for some reason, I was convinced my father “m0l3sT3d” me.
I’ve been in and out of therapy from the age of 15/16 to 22 yrs old. A lot of family drama, bad relationships, friendships, just a lot during my adolescence. I was in counseling in high school and in college, well I got into therapy and continued. I’ve dealt with a lot of bad cards in my life and have had 2 not so good relationships where I was doxxed afterwards.
But at 21 yrs old, I got triggered with POCD because I recalled a past memory of something VERY fucking stupid I did when I was 16 and when I was 18/19 yrs old. Very stupid .. I really regret it and looking back now it’s so disgusting and I can’t even speak on it on here. It’s disturbing. But with the POCD (known as P3doph1l!a theme based OCD) where I was afraid to even be around children and teenagers. My hands would freeze and I was super duper anxious and I wanted to end myself. That went on from December of 2023 to March/April of 2024 and it randomly went away.
I also work in education so it was triggering for me at work. From when I was in high school, I wanted to work in education and it was a dream come true. Have racked up several degrees and it feels like it’s all over now. I’m disappointed in myself and I’m supposed to go back to work next month in August but I’m scared as fuck ..
Fast forward to now, my POCD got triggered exactly one week ago today because of someone calling me a “pr3d/p3d0” online in the gaming community. It was disturbing to see that because where is this coming from? I got down to the bottom of it and it’s falsified misinformation about another girl who is 18 (almost 19), who claims I asked her to be my valentine this year. I don’t recall that ever happening but I know that girl is above age.
Here is where things take a downfall and what really triggered me due to past events. I’m about to describe an interaction that I now look back on with regret:
———-
Ended up messaging each other and she caught a liking into me but I don’t recall feeling the same way and we would message and it was occasional talk and a bit flirty(very blurry memory) but we only talked in person once at the time and we spoke for about 2 weeks and never spoke again. I never touched her in any way. I never kissed her or anything.
She texts me occasionally the past 3 years and I didn’t reply but I texted her until it was her graduation in May of 2026. Now she’s 18 about to be 19 in a few months and it feels so shameful to even be in touch with her still , like in communicating . Yeah we’re good friends but sometimes it’s a bit flirty and yeah ..
I’ve sought out to Psychiatry department to get more help and get diagnosed for OCD and whatever else may be laying there. I haven’t been in therapy for almost 2 years but in touch with a therapist and I haven’t a consultation soon and I’ll see what happens. But I’m not okay. I’ve been feeling disgusted, ashamed, regretful, resentful, and that life isn’t simply worth it for me. I haven’t ate for the past week and only eating once a day)
I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be .. for me, for my family, for my friends. I don't want to be a scum pedophile. It goes against all my morals. I protect children.
I don’t want to be a p3do .. If I am a pedophile tho, I am sorry for what I've done. I don't plan on hurting children/teens and never will. I have no desire to. And I'll do everything in my power to be a better person than I was. Im not trying to make excuses. I just want to be honest here. I repent for what I've done. And I'm trying to live my life the way my without the regret from my past
Even growing up, I’ve heard stories about p3dos and it’s saddening to hear that and terrifying. I don't have any sexual attraction towards teens or children at all.
Sometimes, due to lack of not controlling my porn use, there will be girls who are 16/17 but don’t even look like it .. and look like 18/19/20 year olds. In the past, I’ve heard online how “it’s cool” for 16/17 yr old girls to flirt with and get with older dudes because guys their age aren’t doing it and back then, I was like “wtf dude? Nah bro”
Now what's making me make this post is that for years now, I've had pocd ( fear of being a pedophile ) and I've been digging and digging into my memories to find somthing that would label me .. that ..
I hate and dislike p3d0s. They make me sick, and hearing stories of people molesting teens and taking photos of children in inappropriate ways and it’s like “wtf is going on?” and it makes me sad.
Now it seems like I'm just a hypocrite, even tho this happened years ago and from last month and maybe I was just not fully aware of my actions but i am now, and I dont look at teen or children that way, and having those situations has made me absolutely despise myself, I can't sleep, I don't eat, all I do is bitch at myself all day. Everyday the past week. The pit in my heart is too much too bare. All my life I've been a genuine good and loving person. I do community work and help others in need. I don't lie, I don't steal, I forgive everyone, and I always try my best to be the best person I can be for the people I love most in this world. Now I'm just so depressed and all I keep getting is thoughts of suicide (ending myself) and how I don't feel like I deserve my friends, my family, my loved ones..
I’ve worked with plenty of communities and I love to support everyone and my occupation has always made me feel good about helping others. And now .. I can’t even look at a kid or a teenager without feeling like “I want them” .. it’s difficult for me to even type all this up but I can’t do this anymore
I'm not trying to justify the situation, I know what I did now and I will hate myself for the rest of my days for it. Yes I was young and stupid and idiotic but that doesn't excuse my actions. I should have known better. How can I look at everyone around me coming out being pedophiles hurting people, and here's me hating them, yet it seems like .. idk dude that somehow I'm one of them.. (oh I’m gonna throw up) .. and idk what to do anymore .. I don't have a desire to prey on children or teens, I don't have fantasies about children or teens, I have no desire to harm them, no desire to do anything with them, I know it's gonna be hard to believe because anyone can lie and make themselves look like a good person and a saint but idk man ..
I can’t take it anymore
I just can’t
POCD making me feel like I am due to past events of idiotic things I’ve done
https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/s/k5DHiZIsmz
https://www.reddit.com/r/intrusivethoughts/s/GZsJHEa5xc
These 2 posts I’ve been ruminating on and I’m disgusted myself and shameful of the 2 events I told you about . Can’t believe that happened . I’m stupid
Here is context:
I’m 23 years old, male and since I was very young, starting at the age of 10 or 11, I’ve had a terrible porn addiction. I’ve watched all kinds of porn since I was younger until now (hentai, roleplay, family roleplay, and other categories I don’t recall exactly). I’ve also had undiagnosed OCD since 2023, and I’ve been through several subtypes (HOCD/SO-OCD, pOCD, Health OCD, Religious OCD, Harm OCD, Meta OCD, etc.)
(My HOCD/SO-OCD started in 2023 because when I was 11, I was groomed by another gae boy who had a liking into me and he kept pursuing me until I was 18/19 years old. What I mean by grooming, it isn’t SA or CSA but more like keep trying to pursue me on and on and I did things I didn’t like and I was very confused afterwards. I even told this person I didn’t want nothing to do with them back then and when I was 18/19 yrs old, somehow they got my number and texted me and tried to hang out and I kept w casual convo but I politely declined and said “no.”)
Porn has really affected me from 11 until now and I’ve repressed the fact that porn took over my life, made me very lustful, I have no control over my sexual energy, ruined my last 2 relationships with women because they couldn’t stand the fact I watched porn. I’ve tried semen retention, NoFap, etc. but nothing .. it’s just hard for me .. I used to jack off at least 5 times a day when I was an adolescent but not sometimes it’ll be once everyday or some bs
This is very disturbing to even type but when I was like .. 10-13 yrs old .. I recall I was laying down and my father was like staring me from on top. So I’m laying down and I briefly open my eyes and he’s just there looking at me sideways. Idk how to describe but some reason, I recalled this happening at 20 yrs old and for some reason, I was convinced my father “m0l3sT3d” me.
I’ve been in and out of therapy from the age of 15/16 to 22 yrs old. A lot of family drama, bad relationships, friendships, just a lot during my adolescence. I was in counseling in high school and in college, well I got into therapy and continued. I’ve dealt with a lot of bad cards in my life and have had 2 not so good relationships where I was doxxed afterwards.
But at 21 yrs old, I got triggered with POCD because I recalled a past memory of something VERY fucking stupid I did when I was 16 and when I was 18/19 yrs old. Very stupid .. I really regret it and looking back now it’s so disgusting and I can’t even speak on it on here. It’s disturbing. But with the POCD (known as P3doph1l!a theme based OCD) where I was afraid to even be around children and teenagers. My hands would freeze and I was super duper anxious and I wanted to end myself. That went on from December of 2023 to March/April of 2024 and it randomly went away.
I also work in education so it was triggering for me at work. From when I was in high school, I wanted to work in education and it was a dream come true. Have racked up several degrees and it feels like it’s all over now. I’m disappointed in myself and I’m supposed to go back to work next month in August but I’m scared as fuck ..
Fast forward to now, my POCD got triggered exactly one week ago today because of someone calling me a “pr3d/p3d0” online in the gaming community. It was disturbing to see that because where is this coming from? I got down to the bottom of it and it’s falsified misinformation about another girl who is 18 (almost 19), who claims I asked her to be my valentine this year. I don’t recall that ever happening but I know that girl is above age.
Here is where things take a downfall and what really triggered me due to past events. I’m about to describe an interaction that I now look back on with regret:
———-
This is another disgusting moment but when I was 20 :
Ended up messaging each other and she caught a liking into me but I don’t recall feeling the same way and we would message and it was occasional talk and a bit flirty(very blurry memory) but we only talked in person once at the time and we spoke for about 2 weeks and never spoke again. I never touched her in any way. I never kissed her or anything.
She texts me occasionally the past 3 years and I didn’t reply but I texted her until it was her graduation in May of 2026. Now she’s 18 about to be 19 in a few months and it feels so shameful to even be in touch with her still , like in communicating . Yeah we’re good friends but sometimes it’s a bit flirty and yeah ..
I’ve sought out to Psychiatry department to get more help and get diagnosed for OCD and whatever else may be laying there. I haven’t been in therapy for almost 2 years but in touch with a therapist and I haven’t a consultation soon and I’ll see what happens. But I’m not okay. I’ve been feeling disgusted, ashamed, regretful, resentful, and that life isn’t simply worth it for me. I haven’t ate for the past week and only eating once a day)
I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be .. for me, for my family, for my friends. I don't want to be a scum pedophile. It goes against all my morals. I protect children.
I don’t want to be a p3do .. If I am a pedophile tho, I am sorry for what I've done. I don't plan on hurting children/teens and never will. I have no desire to. And I'll do everything in my power to be a better person than I was. Im not trying to make excuses. I just want to be honest here. I repent for what I've done. I pray to be a better man a better human being and I can’t live with this anymore. And I'm trying to live my life the way my without the regret from my past
Even growing up, I’ve heard stories about p3dos and it’s saddening to hear that and terrifying. I don't have any sexual attraction towards teens or children at all.
Sometimes, due to lack of not controlling my porn use, there will be girls who are 16/17 but don’t even look like it .. and look like 18/19/20 year olds and I’ll get a slight groinal response but it goes away. In the past, I’ve heard online how “it’s cool” for 16/17 yr old girls to flirt with and get with older dudes because guys their age aren’t doing it and back then, I was like “wtf dude? Nah bro”
Now what's making me make this post is that for 3 years now, I've had pocd ( fear of being a pedophile ) in pieces, like it’ll come and go. And idk.. I've been digging and digging into my memories to find somthing that would label me .. that ..
I hate and dislike p3d0s. They make me sick, and hearing stories of people molesting teens and taking photos of children in inappropriate ways and it’s like “wtf is going on?” and it makes me sad.
Now it seems like I'm just a hypocrite, even tho this happened years ago and from last month and maybe I was just not fully aware of my actions but i am now, and I dont look at teen or children that way, and having those situations has made me absolutely despise myself, I can't sleep, I don't eat, all I do is bitch at myself all day. Everyday the past week. The pit in my heart is too much too bare. All my life I've been a genuine good and loving person. I do community work and help others in need. I don't lie, I don't steal, I forgive everyone, and I always try my best to be the best person I can be for the people I love most in this world. Now I'm just so depressed and all I keep getting is thoughts of suicide (ending myself) and how I don't feel like I deserve my friends, my family, my loved ones..
I’ve worked with plenty of communities and I love to support everyone and my occupation has always made me feel good about helping others. And now .. I can’t even look at a kid or a teenager without feeling like “I want them” .. it’s difficult for me to even type all this up but I can’t do this anymore
I'm not trying to justify the situation, I know what I did now and I will hate myself for the rest of my days for it. Yes I was young and stupid and idiotic but that doesn't excuse my actions. I should have known better. How can I look at everyone around me coming out being pedophiles hurting people, and here's me hating them, yet it seems like .. idk dude that somehow I'm one of them.. (oh I’m gonna throw up) .. and idk what to do anymore .. I don't have a desire to prey on children or teens, I don't have fantasies about children or teens, I have no desire to harm them, no desire to do anything with them, I know it's gonna be hard to believe because anyone can lie and make themselves look like a good person and a saint but idk man ..
I can’t take it anymore
I just can’t
POCD making me feel like I am due to past events of idiotic things I’ve done
https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/s/k5DHiZIsmz
https://www.reddit.com/r/intrusivethoughts/s/GZsJHEa5xc
These 2 posts I’ve been ruminating on and I’m disgusted myself and shameful of the 2 events I told you about . Can’t believe that happened . I’m stupid
Here is context:
I’m 23 years old, male and since I was very young, starting at the age of 10 or 11, I’ve had a terrible porn addiction. I’ve watched all kinds of porn since I was younger until now (hentai, roleplay, family roleplay, and other categories I don’t recall exactly). I’ve also had undiagnosed OCD since 2023, and I’ve been through several subtypes (HOCD/SO-OCD, pOCD, Health OCD, Religious OCD, Harm OCD, Meta OCD, etc.)
(My HOCD/SO-OCD started in 2023 because when I was 11, I was groomed by another gae boy who had a liking into me and he kept pursuing me until I was 18/19 years old. What I mean by grooming, it isn’t SA or CSA but more like keep trying to pursue me on and on and I did things I didn’t like and I was very confused afterwards. I even told this person I didn’t want nothing to do with them back then and when I was 18/19 yrs old, somehow they got my number and texted me and tried to hang out and I kept w casual convo but I politely declined and said “no.”)
Porn has really affected me from 11 until now and I’ve repressed the fact that porn took over my life, made me very lustful, I have no control over my sexual energy, ruined my last 2 relationships with women because they couldn’t stand the fact I watched porn. I’ve tried semen retention, NoFap, etc. but nothing .. it’s just hard for me .. I used to jack off at least 5 times a day when I was an adolescent but not sometimes it’ll be once everyday or some bs
This is very disturbing to even type but when I was like .. 10-13 yrs old .. I recall I was laying down and my father was like staring me from on top. So I’m laying down and I briefly open my eyes and he’s just there looking at me sideways. Idk how to describe but some reason, I recalled this happening at 20 yrs old and for some reason, I was convinced my father “m0l3sT3d” me.
I’ve been in and out of therapy from the age of 15/16 to 22 yrs old. A lot of family drama, bad relationships, friendships, just a lot during my adolescence. I was in counseling in high school and in college, well I got into therapy and continued. I’ve dealt with a lot of bad cards in my life and have had 2 not so good relationships where I was doxxed afterwards.
But at 21 yrs old, I got triggered with POCD because I recalled a past memory of something VERY fucking stupid I did when I was 16 and when I was 18/19 yrs old. Very stupid .. I really regret it and looking back now it’s so disgusting and I can’t even speak on it on here. It’s disturbing. But with the POCD (known as P3doph1l!a theme based OCD) where I was afraid to even be around children and teenagers. My hands would freeze and I was super duper anxious and I wanted to end myself. That went on from December of 2023 to March/April of 2024 and it randomly went away.
I also work in education so it was triggering for me at work. From when I was in high school, I wanted to work in education and it was a dream come true. Have racked up several degrees and it feels like it’s all over now. I’m disappointed in myself and I’m supposed to go back to work next month in August but I’m scared as fuck ..
Fast forward to now, my POCD got triggered exactly one week ago today because of someone calling me a “pr3d/p3d0” online in the gaming community. It was disturbing to see that because where is this coming from? I got down to the bottom of it and it’s falsified misinformation about another girl who is 18 (almost 19), who claims I asked her to be my valentine this year. I don’t recall that ever happening but I know that girl is above age.
Here is where things take a downfall and what really triggered me due to past events. I’m about to describe an interaction that I now look back on with regret:
———-
This is another disgusting moment but when I was 20 :
Ended up messaging each other and she caught a liking into me but I don’t recall feeling the same way and we would message and it was occasional talk and a bit flirty(very blurry memory) but we only talked in person once at the time and we spoke for about 2 weeks and never spoke again. I never touched her in any way. I never kissed her or anything.
She texts me occasionally the past 3 years and I didn’t reply but I texted her until it was her graduation in May of 2026. Now she’s 18 about to be 19 in a few months and it feels so shameful to even be in touch with her still , like in communicating . Yeah we’re good friends but sometimes it’s a bit flirty and yeah ..
I’ve sought out to Psychiatry department to get more help and get diagnosed for OCD and whatever else may be laying there. I haven’t been in therapy for almost 2 years but in touch with a therapist and I haven’t a consultation soon and I’ll see what happens. But I’m not okay. I’ve been feeling disgusted, ashamed, regretful, resentful, and that life isn’t simply worth it for me. I haven’t ate for the past week and only eating once a day)
I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be .. for me, for my family, for my friends. I don't want to be a scum pedophile. It goes against all my morals. I protect children.
I don’t want to be a p3do .. If I am a pedophile tho, I am sorry for what I've done. I don't plan on hurting children/teens and never will. I have no desire to. And I'll do everything in my power to be a better person than I was. Im not trying to make excuses. I just want to be honest here. I repent for what I've done. I pray to be a better man a better human being and I can’t live with this anymore. And I'm trying to live my life the way my without the regret from my past
Even growing up, I’ve heard stories about p3dos and it’s saddening to hear that and terrifying. I don't have any sexual attraction towards teens or children at all.
Sometimes, due to lack of not controlling my porn use, there will be girls who are 16/17 but don’t even look like it .. and look like 18/19/20 year olds and I’ll get a slight groinal response but it goes away. In the past, I’ve heard online how “it’s cool” for 16/17 yr old girls to flirt with and get with older dudes because guys their age aren’t doing it and back then, I was like “wtf dude? Nah bro”
Now what's making me make this post is that for 3 years now, I've had pocd ( fear of being a pedophile ) in pieces, like it’ll come and go. And idk.. I've been digging and digging into my memories to find somthing that would label me .. that ..
I hate and dislike p3d0s. They make me sick, and hearing stories of people molesting teens and taking photos of children in inappropriate ways and it’s like “wtf is going on?” and it makes me sad.
Now it seems like I'm just a hypocrite, even tho this happened years ago and from last month and maybe I was just not fully aware of my actions but i am now, and I dont look at teen or children that way, and having those situations has made me absolutely despise myself, I can't sleep, I don't eat, all I do is bitch at myself all day. Everyday the past week. The pit in my heart is too much too bare. All my life I've been a genuine good and loving person. I do community work and help others in need. I don't lie, I don't steal, I forgive everyone, and I always try my best to be the best person I can be for the people I love most in this world. Now I'm just so depressed and all I keep getting is thoughts of suicide (ending myself) and how I don't feel like I deserve my friends, my family, my loved ones..
I’ve worked with plenty of communities and I love to support everyone and my occupation has always made me feel good about helping others. And now .. I can’t even look at a kid or a teenager without feeling like “I want them” .. it’s difficult for me to even type all this up but I can’t do this anymore
I'm not trying to justify the situation, I know what I did now and I will hate myself for the rest of my days for it. Yes I was young and stupid and idiotic but that doesn't excuse my actions. I should have known better. How can I look at everyone around me coming out being pedophiles hurting people, and here's me hating them, yet it seems like .. idk dude that somehow I'm one of them.. (oh I’m gonna throw up) .. and idk what to do anymore .. I don't have a desire to prey on children or teens, I don't have fantasies about children or teens, I have no desire to harm them, no desire to do anything with them, I know it's gonna be hard to believe because anyone can lie and make themselves look like a good person and a saint but idk man ..
(23M) - what the fuck is going on? LMAOOO the past 2 weeks have been like a super Mario final boss level of HOCD/SO-OCD
Question for the guys but does HOCD “make you feel like doing feminine things” ? Like this intrusive urge .. intrusive .. just very intrusive “to be someone else” and feels like your identity is being ripped out to be something else
Like .. example .. I’m a straight man and sometimes it feels like HOCD is changing me .. like the way I think, talk, my demeanor, the way I carry myself and much more
Nothing seems real and I don't feel like myself and I don't know what's happening, I hate this. I want these thoughts and feelings to stop, they don't feel good. I keep having "Urges" to “act gay” or “be gay/bi” or “be feminine” or do things like “come out” or masturbate to things and I don't want to but it's like my brain is trying to force it. My attraction to women feels better but something in me just keeps saying it's fake.
I don't know what I want here, I know getting reassurance is bad, maybe I just want to vent. I'm tired, I feel like I'm dead almost, like somebody ripped my identity out and replaced me with someone else. I want myself back.
Sometimes I fear that I'm doing all this because I feel obligated to or that I'm following a script and performing
I keep having intrusive feelings like I like the thoughts or I want them. They also sound like statements .. Not even what ifs
Like if there is a “second self” inside of me demanding me to do things that I don’t wanna do
No shade .. but also the fact that it is June and it’s pride month, the social media algorithm is triggering me a lot. Great ERP !! .. don’t get me wrong but holy fuck dude ..
That’s all I had to say lmao ..