u/PinRevolutionary4999

For context I (f17) have never been feminine, when I try to dress feminine I feel uncomfortable like a pig wearing makeup. When I was a kid all the other girls would talk about boys and makeup but I’d be out with the boys climbing trees, catching fish, playing with nerf guns. My first crush was on a girl, after that I secretly wished I could be a boy because then we could be together. When I started middle school I ended up chopping all my hair off, going by he/they, wearing “boy clothes”, and dating girls. I felt so comfortable being seen as a boy. By the end of middle school i started being super self critical and ended up growing my hair out, doing heavy makeup, wearing preppy outfits, and convincing myself i like boys. This time in my life ended up being my lowest and led me to do things like sexing myself up and doing questionable things with men online just so I could feel more feminine and desirable. No matter what I did I always felt so ugly and never girly enough. I slowly transitioned out of that and started wearing more layed back masculine clothes as well as not doing makeup. Now I’m about to be in my senior year of high school and I feel like I’m missing something. I dress masculine, I feel “boyish”, I like girls but I still can’t seem to find myself. I’m thinking about chopping my hair off and going to the gym more again but I have this deep feeling that tells me i shouldn’t try to be something I could never fully be. I don’t know if this is internalized transphobia or me telling myself that maybe I’m not meant to be trans. Y’all lmk what u think 😭🙏🏼