u/PreparationLarge157

(34F) met my boyfriend (32M) 3.5 years ago after coming out of a difficult breakup. At the time, I wasn't looking for anything serious and was casually dating, including one person who was polyamorous.

When I met my current boyfriend, our first date went really well. We were intimate and I was excited about him, but we had not discussed exclusivity. Two days later, on Valentine's Day, I met up with the person I had been casually seeing and slept with him. Immediately afterward, I felt terrible about it because I knew I wanted to pursue my current boyfriend and suspected that if he knew, he would never continue seeing me.

I ended the casual relationship after that and continued dating my now-boyfriend. I never disclosed what happened.

About 9 months later, after we had become serious and were living together, he received a text message from someone making false accusations about me. During the discussions that followed, I admitted that I had slept with someone else shortly after we met. Later, he also went through my phone and saw old messages between me and friends from before our relationship became serious. Some of those messages included jokes and conversations about dating that understandably hurt him.

I fully acknowledge that hiding what happened was wrong. If I could go back, I would have been honest much earlier. I understand why my actions damaged trust.

The issue is that almost four years later, this remains the center of nearly every conflict we have. Whenever I bring up concerns about the relationship, household responsibilities, communication, or anything else, the conversation often comes back to what happened at the beginning.

For the past 10 months, I have been the sole financial provider while my boyfriend completes training. I pay the rent, groceries, and most household expenses. When I ask for help with chores or express frustration about something unrelated, the discussion frequently turns back to my actions from the start of the relationship.

Recently, he told me that I ruined his life, that many of his problems are my fault, and that he wishes he had never met me.

I am not asking whether what I did was wrong. It was. I have spent years apologizing, taking responsibility, and trying to rebuild trust.

My question is: at what point does a relationship reach a stage where forgiveness either has to happen or the relationship has to end?

Can a relationship realistically recover if one partner still uses a four-year-old betrayal as the explanation for most current problems?

I'm genuinely looking for constructive advice because I feel completely stuck.

EDIT: I think we are focusing too much on the Exclusive Talk - this isn't a worldwide concept as some people commented that it is assumed that people aren't involved with others when dating someone new, yes being on a dating app may mean multiple talking stages but my BF is from a different Culture than me (I am Canadian he is Nigerian)

Looking for a relationship advice. My boyfriend of 4 years who in the first 9 months of our relationship I withheld information about sleeping with someone else in the first week of meeting him.

Once he found that out, he ended up looking through my cell phone and finding messages to friends making jokes about the possibility of pursuing the other person over him while we were going through the dating stage and my insecurities of him not texting me back in ample amount of time and things like that. So just stupid jokes with friends that weren't meant to be read by him. Especially they were private messages on my phone.

I understand nothing is private anymore and everyone has the right to know everything about everyone I guess. Anyway, after finding out that he looked through my phone and he got really angry at me. I also felt distrusting of him considering I really trusted them not to do something like that and it took me a long time to realize that what I had done was worse than what he had done.

Regardless, the trust was impacted greatly. On both sides.

Basically he wasn't a strenuous course for his future career and it impacted him and he had to change schools and this and that and a lot of delays which he blames me for over the years because I hurt him and broke his heart. Over that time in the past year plus also over the years of being together I have been financially the one taking care of everything. I'm the one that pays rent. He hasn't had to pay rent for nearly 10 months now to help him get through his expensive school.

There was issues with his car and so he couldn't even drive his car for a while and had to pay the entire year Insurance outright. So I just helped him pay $2,000 for this car payment so he can get on the road again. And I thought things were good considering we've had many fights up and down and realized that I'm not helping him in the way he needs. Even though financial help is a great help I think and this whole time I also have felt unsupported with chores. My dog emotionally we don't go and do anything together. We just have some time in the house together. I'm also in charge mostly for feeding us so it's been a lot.

And his excuses that I would never have to do any of these things if I never heard him in the first place.

I feel like an idiot. I really love him and I'm still here even though after giving him the money for his car. He just spent the whole night hanging out with friends on his only day off in a long time and then even today went to church with his friends and he's been gone all afternoon and not responsive to any of my messages.

I'm not trying to make him look like the bad person. I definitely made mistakes in this relationship and I've been trying to do my best to help fix them but I've been also feeling deeply lonely and alone in this relationship and trying to make it work and I'm just wondering if he's ever going to forgive me or if there's any point in continuing to to try and get some respect back. I don't really know what I'm asking anymore. I'm just lost. I would never even post this to Reddit but this is where I'm at.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Looking for a relationship advice. My boyfriend of 4 years who in the first 9 months of our relationship I withheld information about sleeping with someone else in the first week of meeting him.

Once he found that out, he ended up looking through my cell phone and finding messages to friends making jokes about the possibility of pursuing the other person over him while we were going through the dating stage and my insecurities of him not texting me back in ample amount of time and things like that. So just stupid jokes with friends that weren't meant to be read by him. Especially they were private messages on my phone.

I understand nothing is private anymore and everyone has the right to know everything about everyone I guess. Anyway, after finding out that he looked through my phone and he got really angry at me. I also felt distrusting of him considering I really trusted them not to do something like that and it took me a long time to realize that what I had done was worse than what he had done.

Regardless, the trust was impacted greatly. On both sides.

Basically he wasn't a strenuous course for his future career and it impacted him and he had to change schools and this and that and a lot of delays which he blames me for over the years because I hurt him and broke his heart. Over that time in the past year plus also over the years of being together I have been financially the one taking care of everything. I'm the one that pays rent. He hasn't had to pay rent for nearly 10 months now to help him get through his expensive school.

There was issues with his car and so he couldn't even drive his car for a while and had to pay the entire year Insurance outright. So I just helped him pay $2,000 for this car payment so he can get on the road again. And I thought things were good considering we've had many fights up and down and realized that I'm not helping him in the way he needs. Even though financial help is a great help I think and this whole time I also have felt unsupported with chores. My dog emotionally we don't go and do anything together. We just have some time in the house together. I'm also in charge mostly for feeding us so it's been a lot.

And his excuses that I would never have to do any of these things if I never heard him in the first place.

I feel like an idiot. I really love him and I'm still here even though after giving him the money for his car. He just spent the whole night hanging out with friends on his only day off in a long time and then even today went to church with his friends and he's been gone all afternoon and not responsive to any of my messages.

I'm not trying to make him look like the bad person. I definitely made mistakes in this relationship and I've been trying to do my best to help fix them but I've been also feeling deeply lonely and alone in this relationship and trying to make it work and I'm just wondering if he's ever going to forgive me or if there's any point in continuing to to try and get some respect back. I don't really know what I'm asking anymore. I'm just lost. I would never even post this to Reddit but this is where I'm at.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

I have a small dog (about 7.5 lbs, unneutered) who, like many small dogs, believes the world is his personal pee canvas. Even when he’s “empty,” he’s spiritually committed to marking.

So here’s the situation.

I had a friend who lives in a busy downtown shopping area. One day we were out walking, and my dog peed on a quieter side street, not in front of anyone’s door, just… a normal city sidewalk moment. Pretty standard where I live. Dogs pee everywhere here. Honestly, humans do too sometimes (shoutout to the realities of downtown living).

Out of nowhere, she gets upset and asks why I haven’t trained him to only pee on grass. I was caught off guard because:

1. there isn’t always grass around, and
2. this is extremely normal behavior where we live.

That wasn’t the only issue between us, so I took space. We didn’t speak for 9+ months.

Then she reaches out, apologizes, wants to reconnect. This is actually the third time I’ve let her back into my life, but I figured, okay, I’ve grown, let’s try again.

Fast forward: we’re at a comedy show, a couple glasses of wine in, and she brings it up again. My dog isn’t even there. And she tells me the reason she stopped speaking to me was because my dog peed in her neighborhood, which she felt was a “disrespect” to her neighbors and her reputation.

Her reputation.

Over a 7.5 lb dog… peeing… outside.

Meanwhile, I told her I had distanced myself for the same incident, but because I felt she overreacted to something incredibly trivial, especially considering I handle my dog solo and have bigger things to manage than policing microscopic sidewalk pee etiquette.

She also mentioned her old dog would “never do that,” which-respectfully-either makes her dog a unicorn or we’re rewriting history.

At that point, I realized: if we can go 9 months, reconnect, and this is still the issue… nothing has actually changed.

I love my dog, but I didn’t realize his bladder had the power to destroy human relationships. 😅