u/PresentationOk2668

I can't take it anymore. I'm autistic and I think I have selective mutism (if you don't know what that is, it's basically when a person only talks in certain places/with certain people). this condition is more common in girls, I feel like shit and dysphoric because of it. I hate myself.

People also say that autism in girls is different from boys. I don't know if mine is the same as a girl's since I was born as one. Fuck. I don't have friends, I don't have a girlfriend, I never had friends to play soccer, I don't even know how to play soccer, I'll never have the boyhood I always wanted. im just a teenager and i'm not enjoying my teenage like everyone else bc of that i fucking hate myself

English isn't my native language and I'm typing it in despair, so sorry if some things are hard to understand.

I am a teenager, I've never been diagnosed with SM, but since I was a child, I've had trouble talking to people, and I used to only speak at home; I couldn't speak in other places.

On top of that, I have autism, social anxiety, and alexithymia, which makes communication and social interaction even harder. At school, people would always say, 'Say something, I've never heard your voice,' and today a woman told me, 'You're so quiet that I've never heard your voice,' which reminded me of years ago when people said the same thing. I even had a teacher who tried to force me to speak; every class she would say, 'I really want to hear your voice,' 'Speak at least a little, please, I beg you,' and she'd make jokes that made everyone laugh, but for me, it was uncomfortable. Even a friend who's also autistic told me to try speaking and said it's not okay to stay silent all the time.

I feel really guilty for not being able to talk, I only talk to specific people, I just wanted to have a normal teenage life, having fun with friends, but I can't even have a conversation.

Right now I've been in the same classroom for 6 months and I don't have any friends, I've never exchanged a word with anyone there, just with two people and my support teacher. I told this to my mom, and she said it's normal and that you can't make friends in such a short period of time, and also that people don't talk to me because I'm transgender and a new student (to me, having been at the school for 6 months doesn't count as being new, but okay).

Other people would definitely make friends or at least say something after 6 months spending time with the same people in the same classroom almost every day. I used to go to psychologists but I stopped therapy because of certain events, I want to go back to see if this is SM and also because I really need it.

I sometimes send audio to some people I talk to, and I talk normally with my only friend irl, but that's because I feel comfortable and, like I said, I only talk to specific people. what should I do I don't have anyone

I feel really guilty. Extremely guilty.

não sei explicar com clareza, tenho alexitimia (dificuldade em verbalizar e entender emoções)

às vezes eu tô conversando com alguém e sinto uma culpa extrema, como se eu tivesse feito algo muito errado, principalmente quando menciono algo pessoal meu ou só simplesmente quando eu quero fazer um comentário sobre algum assunto e fico me sentindo um lixo pensando "por que você é assim" "não devia ter dito isso", dá vontade de nunca mais falar nada.

sinto isso desde a infância, tem relação com o autismo?

First of all, I'm pre-T. It seems like he doesn't see me as a real man. I couldn't find my underwear, so I asked him if it was in his closet because sometimes our grandma accidentally puts my clothes in his closet and vice versa. He immediately started acting strangely, staring at the ceiling and repeatedly opening and closing the door in my face. Then, out of nowhere, he pushed me.

Later, I asked if the underwear hanging on the clothesline was his because it looked like mine and was the same size. He told me it was mine, but later my mother said it was actually his, and he started yelling very loudly that it wasn't. It feels like he doesn't want to accept that we wear the same size underwear because I'm smaller than him. Now I'm stuck wearing really uncomfortable underwear because I couldn't find any, and mine is probably in his closet.

I'm mentioning this because when I came out, I told him I wanted to wear men's underwear, and he got very angry. He said it would harm my body and that some people end up in the hospital because of it, just because I have a "female body."

He has also told me that my deadname suits me, that no trans man will ever be a real man, and that he can gets misgendered even though he's a cisgender man. He's said so many things like that before.

He constantly claims that I'm weaker than him. A few days ago, he touched my dog's genitals, and when I asked him why, he said I wouldn't understand because "only a man would understand".

meu nome é Arthur Bernardo, (não sou retificado ainda) mas eu tenho 3 sobrenomes e acaba ficando muito grande quando eu vou escrever e na maioria das vezes tenho que abreviar.

já ocorreu isso com outra pessoa trans aqui? como se resolveu isso? tirou algum sobrenome? eu até penso em tirar um por causa da minha família homofóbica

eu nem sei explicar o que está acontecendo, na verdade eu nunca consigo, além do autismo eu tenho alexitimia e ela parece ser muito intensa

eu já passei por vários tipos de terapias e psiquiatras e não resolveu nada, pelo contrário parece ter piorado porque eu não me dei bem com nenhuma terapia, teve uma que fazia constelação familiar, a outra disse q tinha certeza q eu não era autista (depois de um tempo eu recebi o laudo), e era preconceituosa tbm, me fez ter crise, enfim não vou falar tudo porque é muita coisa, mas só piorou a minha visão sobre elas.

eu fiquei 1 ano e alguns meses isolado em casa e nesse período a psiquiatra da época tinha passado vários remédios pra tomar, lítio, lamotrigina, não lembro o resto só sei que eram vários no mesmo dia, e isso fazia eu dormir o dia inteiro, além de que eu já tomei vários outros e nunca tive melhora com nenhum, só me deixava apático pra caramba

agora estou há alguns meses sem nenhuma medicação e terapia e queria saber se alguém já passou por essa dificuldade de encontrar o apoio profissional adequado, e sobre essa coisa da alexitimia tbm, sei lá.

Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, I'm using a translator.

TW i guess?

I'm pre-t, teenager and I want to start going to the gym so at the beginning of the year I messaged a gym in my neighborhood saying I was going the next day, but I didn't go because the strap of my binder appears constantly, and from what I researched you can't train with a binder. Besides, the monthly fee is very expensive.

So after a few months, now I found a much cheaper gym, and my brother is already going there. I'd like to go with him, but he'll only go if it's with his friend (a cis guy). I've known him since childhood, and my brother already told him I'm trans, and he was fine with it. So it would be a good opportunity to be his friend, since I don't have any male friends.

the problem is that I keep thinking about how he knew me since """""""""""I was a girl"""""""""""" And he's much taller than me, has a deep voice, idk i feel like shit next to some cis guys. And since we were going to the gym together, I would feel... pathetic for being weaker than them.

Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, I'm using a translator.

TW i guess?

I'm pre-t, teenager and I want to start going to the gym so at the beginning of the year I messaged a gym in my neighborhood saying I was going the next day, but I didn't go because the strap of my binder appears constantly, and from what I researched you can't train with a binder. Besides, the monthly fee is very expensive.

So after a few months, now I found a much cheaper gym, and my brother is already going there. I'd like to go with him, but he'll only go if it's with his friend (a cis guy). I've known him since childhood, and my brother already told him I'm trans, and he was fine with it. So it would be a good opportunity to be his friend, since I don't have any male friends.

the problem is that I keep thinking about how he knew me since """""""""""I was a girl"""""""""""" And he's much taller than me, has a deep voice, idk i feel like shit next to some cis guys. And since we were going to the gym together, I would feel... pathetic for being weaker than them.

Most of the time it's girls who have friendship with me. I have autism, which makes socialization difficult, but most of the guys I tried to befriend are transphobic. I've chatted with a few who weren't, of course, but I haven't been able to keep a friendship with them.

A few weeks ago I went to the movies with a girl, which already made me feel dysphoric because normally men go to the movies with a girlfriend and not with a female friend.

And today a "friend" invited me out, and I could even go since I have nothing to do, but maybe it's going to be weird cause she likes me romantically and I don't.

like, im a guy going out with a girl who likes me, I'd basically be leading her on, you know? I feel kind of like a fool, I can't get a girlfriend or even make friends.

só tenho uma amizade, mas vejo as pessoas na escola, até outros autistas como eu, que conseguem ter vários amigos...

e eu não tenho, parece que todo mundo só me ignora sei lá, fora que o pessoal da minha sala fica fazendo piada capacitista ou até mesmo com coisas criminosas, me sinto muito deslocado.

durante a minha vida, nunca consegui manter uma amizade por muito tempo, eu tinha mutismo seletivo na infância e como não foi tratado, agravou para ansiedade social que me prejudica até hoje. queria ser igual todo mundo da minha idade, ter um grupo de amigos pra jogar, trocar ideia.

tenho professora de apoio, ela me ajuda bastante, porém ainda me sinto muito diferente dos outros porque além de ter autismo eu tbm sou trans

I liked the haircut, but I told him to only trim a little bit of my bangs, and now one side is longer than the other. My forehead is also very large. i don't know what to do

vi poucos nesse sub, a maioria daqui não valoriza muito rapper do under

me sinto muito diferente das outras pessoas

quando estou ao redor delas, dá vontade de simplesmente parar de existir e virar um ser que não tenha emoções pra lidar.

porque ser humano é exaustivo e sufocante, é horrível ter que lidar com outros humanos.

se esforçar tanto na vida pra no final morrer. todo esse esforço pra no fim tudo ir em vão? sério isso?

se eu pudesse ser algo que simplesmente não sinta nada, não tem que se preocupar com nada, não sente fome, sede, nada... só... algo...

alguém se sente assim?

Sorry if there are any misspelled words, English is not my native language. TW i guess?

its been 4 years I've understood myself as a trans guy but some things happened in my life that made me live as a cis girl for a while. at that time I was depressed, I compared myself to cis girls because I couldn't be like them, and to please my family I bought makeup and feminine clothes. I cried while doing it. These things are still here, but now that I've finally accepted myself and I'm happy living as myself I'm going to sell them or donate them to someone.

I'm only writing this because I've never told to anyone and it was something that was trapped inside me. I don't know if any of you guys have done something similar before.