u/Proof_Tea8624

I know that’s the opposite of what I should do. Logically I know this is probably good. I am dredging up things I never knew were there. Things I repressed, things I feel in my bones.

I fucking hate it. I keep thinking, wasn’t better when I just didn’t know? Aka denial? Who cares if I never had a healthy relationship?

Obviously I’m kidding. What do I do in the meantime though? This isn’t sustainable. I’m exhausted. It’s almost worse that one day I’ll feel fine and the next not.

My ex said the other woman didn’t know about me or only did as an “ex”

I messaged her and never heard back. She looked at my profile and everything so it’s not like she’s not active on the app where I messaged her. He insisted that she had no idea we were involved and begged me not to message her and he told her we weren’t together anymore.

She never messaged me back. My friends all say this is a sign she knew. That any woman who was not aware she was the other woman is going to reach back out for details. Honestly, I would to.

Do you think she knew? Has anyone else experienced this?

My ex was toxic af. He consistently dated someone a week after we broke up. We were both toxic together but he cheated on me. Tbh, I know I can’t take this personally. He’s done this with every single ex he has had. He openly told me he dated someone for two years and was on a date the next day.

I’ve started talking to people and am very open about wanting to move slow and nothing serious. My motivation was two fold, one, I started feeling myself get into the mindset of I would never find someone like him which my hope with dating was just to at least see there’s other people but I went on my first date, I enjoyed it but I would find my mind drifting back to my ex or at least reverting into toxic thought processes e.g. my ex and I had instant chemistry and moved really fast which I now know is not healthy but on this date I was like “I don’t want to jump his bones so I don’t really like him”

My second reason, and I know this is bad, I feel so stupid pining over my ex when he’s out there dating and fucking.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not looking for a rebound or a relationship but I want to move on.

Any advice?

My ex was toxic af. He consistently dated someone a week after we broke up. We were both toxic together but he cheated on me. Tbh, I know I can’t take this personally. He’s done this with every single ex he has had. He openly told me he dated someone for two years and was on a date the next day.

I’ve started talking to people and am very open about wanting to move slow and nothing serious. My motivation was two fold, one, I started feeling myself get into the mindset of I would never find someone like him which my hope with dating was just to at least see there’s other people but I went on my first date, I enjoyed it but I would find my mind drifting back to my ex or at least reverting into toxic thought processes e.g. my ex and I had instant chemistry and moved really fast which I now know is not healthy but on this date I was like “I don’t want to jump his bones so I don’t really like him”

My second reason, and I know this is bad, I feel so stupid pining over my ex when he’s out there dating and fucking.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not looking for a rebound or a relationship but I want to move on.

Any advice?

I see so many people wondering if exes come back (same) and posts about them ALWAYS coming back.

Here is my experience.

As the dumper…

1. I never went back to my ex of eight years. This wasn’t because I didn’t love him. After 5-8 years of back and forth and me asking for couples counseling, respect and for him to heal. I realized he was never going to change.

2. I wouldn’t say it was a “relationship” but I told a guy I needed space, to heal. I did eventually reach back out for all the wrong reasons and hurt him. I never reached back out after that. TBH I am curious how he’s doing, if we could have something but I know that doors closed.

As the dumped…

3. He completely discarded me and started dating the woman he told me not to worry about. However, I was not in a good place in life, I told him I wanted to start as friends and I think he immediately felt I was friend zoning him. He never reached back out even when I tried to.

4. My last relationship and this remains to be seen. We were both toxic af, however, he had BPD. We broke no contact SIX times. Me more than him and every time it was a mistake. One time after reaching back out and trying to reconcile I found out he was also talking to another ex and lying about it. The next few times it was broken off because he was trying to heal and couldn’t provide any clarity. We had a big trauma bond. So these last two times I went no contact I reached out the NEXT day. He finally said we needed to not talk. Told me how much he loved me, missed me and said “This won’t be the last time we talk but it will be for awhile”. I don’t believe this he always kept the door open with exes and I had heard enough about this dynamic to know he just didn’t want to hurt them.

5. Other Exes-Every one of them reached out. Either to apologize or try to get back together.

So what does this mean for you and your ex reaching out? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Every situation is different.

What I can say for certain is that them not breaking no contact has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about you or how much they value you.

Ex #4 loved me (in the best way he knew how), always responded to me wanting to reconcile in some way shape or form. He told me he always regretted it ending, that I felt like home. But him not reaching out speaks to his own guilt, his own toxicity.

I’m a firm believer that there are times exes want to reach out and don’t because of shame, guilt, and a plethora of other things. So don’t sit around wondering why they didn’t reach out, asking what it means about you because you’ll never know and assuming it’s because of how much they valued you and your relationship is not the reality.

I don’t mean he called his ex crazy or punched a hole in the wall, I’m talking things where your bird brain was able to brush off but at the end you realized that it was truly a red flag.

Mine:

1. ⁠He told me he was bad at breaking up and would slow fade his exes but according to him he healed from that. I said “oh he’s self aware.” He wasn’t. He did the same thing to me.
2. ⁠He would ask for space to process. I thought: “Oh he’s self aware wants to regulate before getting into an argument”. No. He was giving me the silent treatment and detaching.
3. His exes were always reaching out. He said he didn’t know why. They ended on good terms or she still loved him. I thought “good. He doesn’t just break people’s hearts. Ends on good terms. No. He kept the door open with them so he could go back to them later.

These are just the “subtle” red flags. The blatant ones are more embarrassing.

So, what did your ex do which you initially wrote off?

My ex and I are very toxic. I know we're codependent and have a trauma bond. He's one of my best friends and has always been there for me.

HOWEVER, he is very broken and in therapy (same). There were some I infidelity issues (Long Story short he lied repeatedly when were on a break and gaslit the shit out of me about other women). Then did it again.

It's not all him though. I've never lied to him but I know my own anxiety and wounds changed how I approached the relationship. He gets stuck in the push/pull and I know my own wounds cause me to engage with it. Subconsciously I think I even enjoy it because of childhood trauma.

All that being said, we can't stay away from each other. If we see each other or talk even over text we are back to where we were.

I've tried no contact. I tried deleting his number. We've even blocked each other. Now, we're back to taking it slow, trying to be healthy but I feel anxious all the time. He doesn't text me back? I assume he's fucking someone. He says he can't hang out? I assume he's on a date. And tbh this time around it's not my business and if he's going to date while we talk that's okay.

These thoughts are justified with him but it's an issue I had long before him. Logically I know that people dont text back for a variety of reasons.

Anyway, some questions...

-Do you have any recommendations for books or podcasts about codependency and anxious attachment?

-I know we probably shouldnt be in contact. How did you finally cut off your ex.

-How have you detached from a relationship like this?