u/PsychoKatzee

It was an integrated ad for their Identity security service btw, but damn

Bless her heart tho, she was just confused, not mean-spirited.

Having a body is such a fuss. I absolutely hate it. I have stuff to do.

He received gifts on my birthday so he doesn't flip out. If a relative didn't know the "rule" and only gave me something, he'd throw a huge tantrum and I had to give it to him. The only time I got something and he didn't was when my mother broke my skull, but refused to take me to the ER until next day, cause it was "nothing serious". She told me I mustn't tell the doctor she hit me. I didn't, so she told me I can have the yellow bus I was always eyeing but never dared to ask for. Later she actually bought it and I was unbelievably happy. My brother did the usual tantrum, demanding it, but got told he can't have it this time. He'll get something later. Then we had to go to a checkup. When we arrived home, I found the bus crashed into tiny pieces. I was devastated. He didn't even get grounded. Our parents just said "Why did you pick such a fragile toy? He just wanted to play with it." It wasn't fragile and he explicitly told me he destroyed it because he couldn't have it.

I did voice training and I bind, but I can't ever take T for medical reasons, so my dysphoria can be insane in public. Especially around restrooms, cause I'm convinced I don't pass, even though I got ID-d multiple times in the women's restroom, but I'm short af and feel like every eye is on me in the men's one, so I just avoid going to public toilets in general. But the car ride was long and I NEEDED to go, so I was currently stressing about whether I pass enough or should I just use my feminine voice to apologise or something so I can shamefully go into the women's one, when this old lady in line looked at me and genuinely kindly said "the men's restroom is empty". Bruh bless her heart, she made my day

I wasn't even trying to make them love me, I just hoped if I do everything right, if I become what they want me to they might stop telling me I should be dead.

And I do wake up after 4 hours of sleep and I do go to work. I am still available when I'm needed, because I have to/ want to. Psychiatrists writing "the patient is functional" is reassuring and dismissive at the same time. I keep a job because I have no other choice. I try my best to always be there for the ones I care about, because I choose to. Me being exhausted or in pain can't be an excuse, because there are expectations to be met.

It was hella confusing when I did something they asked for (but they mostly didn't even have to ask) and then they accused me of lying about it without even checking. Or the opposite, they were convinced that I'm hiding something, went through my stuff constantly, found nothing, and still called me a liar. Also when they texted me something, denied it later, and when I showed them their text, they just threw my phone against the wall. The only thing I learned from it is that I might as well lie if they don't believe me anyway.

Do they hear themselves when they say shit like that?

While at the same time perfectly navigating around the house in complete darkness.

CPTSD sucks, because after decades of being abused, I've found lovely people who don't want to hurt me, and also a good therapist, who slowly made me realise that life in general can look different. That it was actually the people around me turning it into daily suffering. But after so many years of being blamed for your existence and being treated like an object, it's hard to believe you weren't the problem. Like I'm still terrified of fucking it up. Even though I'm safe now, their accusations never left my mind. I'm not giving up, cause finally I'm in control now. But I wish I could get rid of the rot they caused in my mind. I don't want to bleed on the ones who did not cut me.

Even back as kids I'm sure someone of y'all already realised that the script is off, but wtf do you do? It's how life works. You learn the rules and they change all the time. Looking back I often get frustrated about how stupid the adults around me were. Growing up parentified destroys your illusion that older people know better.