u/Purplecarrots445

Meant to be a Vent but I didn't want the comments closed and apparently that happens so it is a vent but feel free to respond.

Went to a sensory deprivation tank today was told it would be completely black and I wouldn't be able to see anything, it wasn't, there was quite a large crack where it opens and closes that a bunch of light shines through. The green exit light was shining through the whole time it was incredibly distracting, also the water apparently is meant to match your temperature? It didn't i could still feel everything. Every point where i was almost relaxed, my head would float into the side and id get jolted. The Epsom salts also definitely provided a smell, not necessarily bad but still there...I thought the whole point of this was No senses....

Ive had such an awful year, piling up full of trauma from hospitals and doctors. I was assaulted by my gynecologist. I feel so unsafe but I dont have a choice but to go back eventually because I need medical care. How do I get over this? I dont know how ill ever be able to trust a doctor again

To give some context i was assaulted by a doctor when they put my IUD in. Ive been dealing with constant problems ever since both physical and mental. I went to the gp after 6 months of struggling to try and find a way of discussing what to do about it in an environment that felt safe. I didn't feel safe going back to gynecology so she told me to go to the sexual health clinic.

I spoke to them on the phone and explained the whole situation, mentioned that I wanted all of this communicated to the people I was having a consultation with so they were aware of the whole situation, the person on the phone said that would be no problem at all. Needless to say, that didn't happen.

I went in there not prepared to explain everything because I assumed they would have been told so I was really anxious and taken aback when I had to sit there pouring my heart out for about 30 minutes. Then found out that after all of that they couldn't even help me with my iud issues, other than removing it, they couldn't help me after that with my endometriosis and PCOS (PMOS).

They said that they had a doctor there who could help me with all that though and she's "amazing, really lovely, never had any issues".....She's the one who assaulted me.

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I went to a sexual health clinic in a totally separate hospital in a totally separate area and I still couldn't escape her

How do other people deal with hating themselves? I dont want to be me but ive tried being different and it never works. Everyone tells me to just be myself but those same people hate me when I am myself. I dont blame them I hate me too. I genuinely dont know what to do to not be so awful. I dont want to be like this. Why did I get given this awful personality and a disgusting body to go with it.

Ive always had huge issues with my diagnosis, never really felt connected to it. I do think I am autistic however literally everything ive ever experienced as a result of being diagnosed has made me feel the need to reject it and now I think i know why.

I recently got my records from my diagnosis and I was shocked to find so many things that I never even knew about.

From what I remember from my diagnosis - my mum told me i was diagnosed with "Atypical autism" she specifically made a point of telling me "you're not autistic, you're atypical autistic". All that told me at the time was Autism = Bad. It turns out I was never diagnosed with autism i was diagnosed with Pervasive Personality Disorder (which doesn't exist anymore), severe anger issues and low self esteem.

The reason for the diagnosis was largely based on my mother's descriptions. I read 3 double sided pages of blatant lies, she painted me as an aggressive, selfish, violent and abusive person (i was 10). She described several instances where I was abusive to my friends (none of these happened). Apparently at one point I screamed and shouted so loudly at my friend because she hadn't heard me speaking to her, to the point where my mum had to intervene and physically hold me back from harming her - I would never have done that. I even asked my older brother just in case id forgotten some of these, we went through all of the instances described and he was just as shocked as me.

There were only a few things that were written down that were true and even they were greatly embellished. The things that were true were: food and clothing sensitivities, specifically organising things, trouble getting rid of anything etc - nothing aggressive was true.

All of this explains so much about how horrific i was treated, I never even knew. I dont know the reason for why my mother would lie (mightve been to get extra money from benefits for having a disabled child, mightve been for sympathy from others for dealing with a disabled child) i dont know but whatever it was it was for her gain not mine. She died 7 years ago so I cant even ask or confront her about it.

I do think I am autistic however the fact that my diagnosis was entirely bogus explains so much about why I never felt right with the "accomodations" I was offered.

I have put a few posts out on here explaining that I dont struggle with socialising in the same way as most autistic people I know but I dont think I realised how big of an issue i do have. Think I mightve been pushing it down.

Basically any friends I have im the one who texts first all the time (not like im texting every day, i leave huge gaps sometimes months but never do i get a text first) its basically to the point where if I dont reach out we dont talk. Same with hanging out. No one ever invites me anywhere, im always the one who invites others out.

I have a friend ive been "close" with for over 10 years. And i consider them my closest friend but I dont think they even consider me one at all. They did a "friendaversary" post for one of the other people we knew at school, we all met at the same time and became close at the same time. Yet their anniversary of becoming friends was such a big deal that they got a full post to commemorate it, but i dont even get a message without reaching out first.

I am an extroverted person, i crave human connection so much and I desperately wish I had friends i felt genuinely cared about me but I dont...I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice for over a week

Every time I talk about something hard or am afraid of something or someone isn't being overly nice to me, I literally cant stop myself from crying. Its humiliating because I feel like I must be so fragile. I dont know if anyone knows what helps with this?

I want to clarify i know everyone has different opinions and experiences. This is mine, please respect and be kind to me, I have been through a lot, I am not being rude to anyone else who disagrees.

I respect everyone else's experience and all your opinions are valid just please be kind

Everytime someone suggests possible accommodations or support for my autism all i feel is anger and hurt. I need support and I need accommodations but I dont want to accept them because of how I was treated when I was diagnosed:

- Everyone assuming im incapable of anything

- Unable to understand anything

-Must need things simplified because of course im so stupid, that idiot cant understand anything (not me saying these things)

-Must not like bright lights or loud sounds

-Must want to be segregated from everyone else and literally put in a goldfish bowl for others to stare at just to prove how alone they are

-Must need to randomly regularly leave the classroom because of course im such a socially inept weirdo how could I possibly just have a lesson without going into meltdown mode (not me saying that)

-Must not have any basic social skills

-Must be incapable of handling any emotion and need man handling when they show even a shred of being upset

Etc etc

Because of how I was treated i feel like accepting any help at all (specifically for my autism) is like saying "they were right" and they werent. The way they treated me wasn't right. I want to be able to say "actually I do need help with this" but how do I know that they're not going to use that example as ammunition to do the same thing those teachers and doctors all did to me.

Its like they decided "youve got a not normal label therefore you're all the same as anyone else with a not normal label". I was put in a youth group for people with downs syndrome because it was "the closest thing to autism". Downs syndrome is very different to autism, both deserve support, both have varying needs across the board, people with downs can live independently the same way autistic people can live independently, but the group i was sent to was solely kids with much higher needs downs syndrome, E.g. going to the toilet on the floor, wearing nappies, most of them were unable to speak or even communicate in any way, some were constantly screaming or becoming aggressive. It was 11-18 and I was 10 but let in on an exception. As much as i know this sounds horrible to say, i felt humiliated that i was put in this same category, i was not the same. I had a horrific time there and i was even SA'd there by one of the other kids.

I consider being diagnosed with autism to be the worst thing to have ever happened to me. It utterly ruined my life, a 10 year old being treated that way was disgusting, they literally pushed me so far I am surprised I am still here. I know I shouldn't say this but i just wish I wasn't autistic at all. I dont want to be looked at and treated like im a stupid childish weirdo my whole life (not my words).

I know this was controversial so I hope people can understand that i am not saying this things about others but rather parroting what was said to me and explaining why I feel how I do

I have loads of interests and hobbies that I love but ive never gotten so invested and obsessed with an interest that it counts as an "autistic special interest".

Idk if this is the autism getting conflicted with the adhd 🤦‍♀️

TW/ discussions of blood, invasive medical procedures, trauma

I really need help im really struggling, if anyone can help me, please.

Im 24 and i live in the UK. I have endometriosis and PCOS. My periods have always been horrific, extremely heavy and excessively painful. Its been a huge struggle for 16 years (i was very young when I started). I have been trying to get help ever since and only in the last year have been referred to a gynecologist.

The doctor i saw originally was really comforting and seemed like he really wanted to help me (will call him Dr A). However he did recommend the hormonal IUD. I was really anxious about it and didn't want to do it, at first I felt like I had no other choice because he said it was the best option for me. But he did also make me feel safe in the sense that if I wasn't ok with it he wouldn't do it.

I had an appointment to get it inserted and was dealing with constant anxiety, panic attacks, sleep issues and more, leading up to it. On the day I was incredibly distressed and was trying to calm myself down in the knowledge that Dr A would be there and he could talk me through it and if I didn't want it he wouldn't do it. I showed up on the day, expecting Dr A to be there only to be brought in by a totally different doctor (Dr B) whom id never met before. I wasn't told it wasn't going to be Dr A inserting it and my anxiety went from 80 to 100 in 2 seconds.

Dr B basically told me i could either "get it overwith or rebook" which in her words "may take months for a new appointment". I was having a very obvious panic attack at this point; hyperventilating, scream-crying, clutching a stress ball to the point where it burst. I went into the bathroom to try and calm myself down, came out still crying and obviously distressed. Feeling pressured i said "ok fine ill get it over with".

I sat in the chair crying my eyes out and hyperventilating, very clearly in severe distress. Dr B just went ahead and inserted the device, telling me seconds before that the coil id been told I was getting (the mirena) was actually not the one i was getting but not giving me a chance to ask any follow up questions. She injected me with anesthetic about 5 times, each time was excruciatingly painful and then put the IUD in which felt like my insides were being ripped apart. It was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life and that is saying something.

She didn't warn me about how painful it was (she said there may be some mild cramping). She didn't warn me about the amount of blood there would be (she said there may be a bit of bleeding), there was a lot of blood. She didn't give me any information on the IUD at all; nothing about risks of perforation, ruptures, ectopic pregnancy; nothing about the device itself, what it looked like, the size, the threads (i didn't even know the threads existed). She didn't tell me any of this until after she had inserted it. She told me all this information right after. I said I would never have gotten it if id known and she said "well I can take it out if you want".

After what I had just been through i couldn't believe what I was hearing. Dr B was acting like she'd put braids in my hair and after I didn't like them offered to take them out. This was not the same thing. This was an incredibly invasive, painful, distressing experience and it was all going to be for nothing. Why didn't she tell me beforehand? Better yet, why did she even think i was in a good enough mental state to consent to it when I was literally in the middle of a panic attack. I feel extremely violated and I cant fathom being treated in gynecology ever again. I cant fathom being examined in that way ever again. I don't ever want to get a smear test, I dont ever want to get checked in any way for any reason. I won't be able to get pregnant ever now because ill need to get seen by doctors in that way.

A week later I started my period. The pain was so severe that I was unable to move for a while, I couldn't think of anything else, It was so bad that I went to A and E and the people were horrible to me. I managed to get out of the taxi and get to the seat in the waiting room but from then I couldn't walk, I was keeled over in pain and when I was called i said I couldn't walk and the nurse said "how did u get in then? Hmm?". I Eventually got pain relief and was then left in the waiting room for 18 hours. I went in at 1pm on Sunday and was only seen at 8am on Monday. When I was seen they checked the threads and told me it was "fine" there was "nothing wrong". The pain was so horrific that I went to hospital and I have a very high pain tolerance. There clearly WAS something wrong. Once more in my nhs app they described my visit as "Abdominal pain: Minor". I referred to it as a 9.

Every single period since has been hell but not quite as horrific as that first one. Way worse than my usual ones though. Even between periods I have had no end of bother. Random severe cramping. Prolonged periods (up to 11 days instead of my usual 5 or 6). Bleeding between periods. Dryness. Vaginal pain. Constant yeast infections. Severe constipation. Mood swings. UTI's. Plus I can FEEL the threads inside me, literally all the time, I can feel them.

I booked an appointment with Dr A a month and a half later to try and discuss this. He asked me to come in (specifically so that he could see my mental state). One of the first things he said was "if you want ill take it out" I cant handle that. Believe me theres nothing I want more than to have it gone but I dont want anyone anywhere near me anymore. I cant do this anymore. And the worst part is I don't have a choice! Im going to have to get checked again Eventually. Im going to have to get it taken out eventually. I cant do this. Im terrified of getting it removed being painful, causing more issues after (ive heard about the crash). I know everyone says its not as painful getting it removed but I was also told it wasn't as bad getting it put in so I dont believe them. Im also terrified that if I get it out they'll consider it no longer an issue and all that trauma will just be forgotten. And I still have no help for my endo or pcos. It was all for nothing

He seems like he really does care but no one understands how badly this has harmed me. I cant go on like this. Ive made a formal complaint against Dr B but she's maintaining that she received full consent. Ive tried reaching out to many medical negligence companies but none of them will take me on for no win no fee because they dont think they can prove it. She's going to get away with it and im going to be left like this.

I dont know what to do.

It was inserted in November and its now March and ive been suffering constantly. I cant keep going like this but i dont know how to move on from it.

If anyone knows anything that can help please let me know. If there is any support out there, anything. Please.

But please, i cant handle any hate so please dont leave a comment if you're going to tell me I should've done something different.

EDIT: I truly understand all the comments are pure intentioned but please dont tell me to "just get it taken out". Its caused me a lot of trauma i cannot deal with being told this as if its no big deal. When I asked "what do I do" what I mean is "what can I possibly do to feel safe again with doctors" because right now even the idea of getting a smear test makes me have a full on breakdown. Please dont tell me to just get it taken out, believe me i want to but I cant handle that right now.

UPDATE: Dr A has gone off sick long term now and I feel so hopeless I genuinely dont know if ill ever be able to get checked ever again. I need the iud taken out but I honestly cant go to anyone else I dont feel safe. I cant do it. It's not fair I don't see how im meant to get past this. I cant do this anymore....