u/Puzzled_Profession45

im 18, a senior, but I wasn’t taught algebra or geometry. my mom (parent led homeschooling) didnt teach me because of my math skill level. I can’t tell if I was dumb and it was my fault or my moms. idk I am so embarrassed, I will be okay because math is starting to make sense and I just know Ill figure it out. (I need it for college) but it’s still so godamn embarrassing and degrading. I hate this and recently I’ve made it worse for some reason I’ve just been really lazy not doing anything for the past three weeks. like why am I so lazy? I hate myself aaaagh. Like I want to get out of the house, (my parents suck, they are mentally abusive, also they are Christian nationalists who are transphobic, and I just freedom to be me) so why am I just sitting around?

sorry for the rant, I made like 3 points there I think, but mainly was I just a dumb fuck growing up?

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I’m 18 btw

Mom and dad have caused me a lot of distress and they don’t care about that. I’m sure I have done the same, (I’ve procrastinated in some subjects of school) and I am deeply sorry. but this  isn’t about my flaws right now it’s about theirs. Dad has been passive and emotionally unavailable most of my life, but whatever he is chill I guess. However he has no idea how to communicate properly to another human being who doesn’t agree with him. I’m not saying he gets angry, it’s more like he’s a computer who just glitch’s or he is a broken record that chooses usually a four to five letter statement and repeats that, even out of context as an answer to a question. (Like if I asked “why is the sky blue, he would say “because it’s blue” he can’t figure out mature, deep, and meaningful thoughts or ideas, like the why’s and hows to questions)

Also I have only had one friend over at our house my entire life, because our house is to messy and our bathroom doesn’t work and they won’t fix it. I’ve offered to help and learn how to help in any way I can, but they have refused. So I’ve been very isolated. 

But mom has always let this pass since my dad has PTSD from the military. So I’ve always given it a pass to, however I’m confused on why people with ptsd can’t have meaningful and beautiful thoughts or conversations? Idk whatever. I’m thankful that he works a good job and provides for the family.

Now onto mom. Mom has gotten better over the past 5 years  but she still can get really angry for no reason at all. (Like today I was driving and I stopped at a stop sign and she said turn right and I said I know but I want to get better at fully stoping at stop signs, stop means stop” and then she says “u don’t have to get snarky with me.” Like wtf?! This is the most recent example it is a daily thing that happens, probably the most absurd argument I can remember with her was an argument about the shapes of clouds. Like my parents can’t be real people. My dad does nothing but sleep eat work, and sleeps in the lazy boy even during serious conversations. And my mom is just a lunatic. I will say my dad is definitely more chill but he won’t take any action whatsoever to help me if it means going against my mom. He avoids conflict with her at all costs. So I stopped talking to them basically, like I only talk to them when I need to but I don’t talk to them about things I’m interested in, things I want, etc. we are complete strangers. They don’t know my soul. And because of that even my hobbies are greatly limited now. Also they don’t seem to care about my mental health. When I was 15 I discovered I felt gender dysphoria and I felt like I was more of a girl than a boy. But because of my parents bigoted beliefs, I am simply not allowed to transition. That paired with a lot of drama with people I once considered best friends, has cause me to be really depressed. My parents have homeschooled me and my siblings for the purpose of indoctrination. I don’t hate religious people or religion as a concept, I think finding meaning in life is beautiful, but I dispise people believing in bad things or people doing bad things and justifying it in the name of religion. I have been forced to go to church all of my life, and I just want freedom. At church the pastor and church goers will “own the libs” and I’m so sick of that shit. I’ve wanted freedom all of highschool. Ive been scared of losing housing if I was open ever since 16. I don’t ask for much. Like my sister did, she went shopping all the time, I have always been very careful with my parents money. I am respectful to them, (my mom would say I’m not but she literally will get upset over anything). I low-key think they hate me or at least love the least out of my siblings. They talk about how great and mature my brother is all the time but this whole time I have been working my way there and they just don’t seem to care as much. All the depression and low self esteem and panic led to me stealing my dad’s gun and almost shooting myself. But my optimism kicked in or self survival instincts if you will and I couldn’t pull the trigger. So I returned the gun under my parents bed and they never knew for a couple months. One day I told them about all of this but they just were passive aggressive and didn’t seem to care to much. They said they would get me therapy but never did. I know they have stopped looking. At first they said they couldn’t find a therapist (because the therapist had to be a Christian who would focus on making me straight). I was hurt deeply by all of this and even more by the fact two weeks later I had another panic attack ( I get panic attacks when I’m depressed sometimes) and I went to go see if my dads gun was still there, and it was. It was still loaded too. And I’m not trying to guilt trip my parents into treating me better or whatever like “if u don’t do this I will kill myself”, but I think it says a lot about my parents care for me if they didn’t do anything about the gun. That really hurt. I asked my parents about this and my mom said they were sorry and would lock the gun up, but she also said this which was really weird “if your going to kill yourself your going to kill yourself, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Which is just her taking away her responsibility in our relationship. There is something she can do about if my parents are our helping making me depressed. Also another thing about our relationship is that my parents have a really strained relationship with my sister, and she did some bad things (but I will say I am more curious about hearing more from her side as an adult now because of my experiences) and my parents have always compared me to her since I  was 13. Saying that I would abandon them, and be an awful person. One time I called my mom a monster and that really hurt her because that was what my sister called her and I felt really bad so I apologized but now when I think back mom said more hurtful things than I ever did. My sister leaving was a really sad thing because I was close to her, and so mom saying I would do that at such a young age when I knew nothing about the world like I do now is crazy. My mother did this at least 8 times. 

And this is all so bizarre to me. Like they care about me enough to make my life miserable but don’t care about me enough to help me. Like they are in the middle. I wish they were either or. Like I wish they would be better or just not care but let me do my own thing, which would mean freedom. 

There are some wholesome things they have done and I am genuinely grateful. Growing up they things felt more wholesome. Like they bought me a dog, keyboard and other gifts sometimes. They have offered to help pay for my car with the promise I will pay them back. Like my mom knows I love coffee so she buys it for me monthly. But now days sometimes it feels more manipulative and trying to distract me from the other things that are going wrong. I think they just like the idea of me, of having a child, but not me as an individual. We play pretend around friends and other family, we pretend to like each other but it drops when we get back to our messy home. Like they don’t care about my soul, like the music I like, the ideas I have, the books I want to read, dreams, thoughts,  unless it’s “innaproiate”. I think with this in mind, they are controlling. They find peace in control because it makes them feel like a good parent, and they don’t want to lose that feeling, so they make it harder on me when they feel like when they are losing it. That’s why they wouldn’t let me get a job all last year, or also why mom wouldn’t do math with me all of last year, (it is parent led homeschooling, and she didn’t teach me for a whole year. I havnt really done any highschool math, just pre algebra.) they don’t want me to be independent. I want to be independent and dress and be who I want without all of this shit, I hate this shit. 

Image unrelated to post

I’m 18 btw

Mom and dad have caused me a lot of distress and they don’t care about that. I’m sure I have done the same, (I’ve procrastinated in some subjects of school) and I am deeply sorry. but this  isn’t about my flaws right now it’s about theirs. Dad has been passive and emotionally unavailable most of my life, but whatever he is chill I guess. However he has no idea how to communicate properly to another human being who doesn’t agree with him. I’m not saying he gets angry, it’s more like he’s a computer who just glitch’s or he is a broken record that chooses usually a four to five letter statement and repeats that, even out of context as an answer to a question. (Like if I asked “why is the sky blue, he would say “because it’s blue” he can’t figure out mature, deep, and meaningful thoughts or ideas, like the why’s and hows to questions)

Also I have only had one friend over at our house my entire life, because our house is to messy and our bathroom doesn’t work and they won’t fix it. I’ve offered to help and learn how to help in any way I can, but they have refused. So I’ve been very isolated. 

But mom has always let this pass since my dad has PTSD from the military. So I’ve always given it a pass to, however I’m confused on why people with ptsd can’t have meaningful and beautiful thoughts or conversations? Idk whatever. I’m thankful that he works a good job and provides for the family.

Now onto mom. Mom has gotten better over the past 5 years  but she still can get really angry for no reason at all. (Like today I was driving and I stopped at a stop sign and she said turn right and I said I know but I want to get better at fully stoping at stop signs, stop means stop” and then she says “u don’t have to get snarky with me.” Like wtf?! This is the most recent example it is a daily thing that happens, probably the most absurd argument I can remember with her was an argument about the shapes of clouds. Like my parents can’t be real people. My dad does nothing but sleep eat work, and sleeps in the lazy boy even during serious conversations. And my mom is just a lunatic. I will say my dad is definitely more chill but he won’t take any action whatsoever to help me if it means going against my mom. He avoids conflict with her at all costs. So I stopped talking to them basically, like I only talk to them when I need to but I don’t talk to them about things I’m interested in, things I want, etc. we are complete strangers. They don’t know my soul. And because of that even my hobbies are greatly limited now. Also they don’t seem to care about my mental health. When I was 15 I discovered I felt gender dysphoria and I felt like I was more of a girl than a boy. But because of my parents bigoted beliefs, I am simply not allowed to transition. That paired with a lot of drama with people I once considered best friends, has cause me to be really depressed. My parents have homeschooled me and my siblings for the purpose of indoctrination. I don’t hate religious people or religion as a concept, I think finding meaning in life is beautiful, but I dispise people believing in bad things or people doing bad things and justifying it in the name of religion. I have been forced to go to church all of my life, and I just want freedom. At church the pastor and church goers will “own the libs” and I’m so sick of that shit. I’ve wanted freedom all of highschool. Ive been scared of losing housing if I was open ever since 16. I don’t ask for much. Like my sister did, she went shopping all the time, I have always been very careful with my parents money. I am respectful to them, (my mom would say I’m not but she literally will get upset over anything). I low-key think they hate me or at least love the least out of my siblings. They talk about how great and mature my brother is all the time but this whole time I have been working my way there and they just don’t seem to care as much. All the depression and low self esteem and panic led to me stealing my dad’s gun and almost shooting myself. But my optimism kicked in or self survival instincts if you will and I couldn’t pull the trigger. So I returned the gun under my parents bed and they never knew for a couple months. One day I told them about all of this but they just were passive aggressive and didn’t seem to care to much. They said they would get me therapy but never did. I know they have stopped looking. At first they said they couldn’t find a therapist (because the therapist had to be a Christian who would focus on making me straight). I was hurt deeply by all of this and even more by the fact two weeks later I had another panic attack ( I get panic attacks when I’m depressed sometimes) and I went to go see if my dads gun was still there, and it was. It was still loaded too. And I’m not trying to guilt trip my parents into treating me better or whatever like “if u don’t do this I will kill myself”, but I think it says a lot about my parents care for me if they didn’t do anything about the gun. That really hurt. I asked my parents about this and my mom said they were sorry and would lock the gun up, but she also said this which was really weird “if your going to kill yourself your going to kill yourself, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Which is just her taking away her responsibility in our relationship. There is something she can do about if my parents are our helping making me depressed. Also another thing about our relationship is that my parents have a really strained relationship with my sister, and she did some bad things (but I will say I am more curious about hearing more from her side as an adult now because of my experiences) and my parents have always compared me to her since I  was 13. Saying that I would abandon them, and be an awful person. One time I called my mom a monster and that really hurt her because that was what my sister called her and I felt really bad so I apologized but now when I think back she said more hurtful things than I ever did. My sister leaving was a really sad thing because I was close and so her saying I would do that at such a young age when I knew nothing about the world like I do now is crazy. My mother did this at least 8 times. 

And this is all so bizarre to me. Like they care about me enough to make my life miserable but don’t care about me enough to help me. Like they are in the middle. I wish they were either or. Like I wish they would be better or just not care but let me do my own thing, which would mean freedom. 

There are some wholesome things they have done and I am genuinely grateful. Growing up they things felt more wholesome. Like they bought me a dog, keyboard and other gifts sometimes. They have offered to help pay for my car with the promise I will pay them back. Like my mom knows I love coffee so she buys it for me monthly. But now days sometimes it feels more manipulative and trying to distract me from the other things that are going wrong. I think they just like the idea of me, of having a child, but not me as an individual. We play pretend around friends and other family, we pretend to like each other but it drops when we get back to our messy home. Like they don’t care about my soul, like the music I like, the ideas I have, the books I want to read, dreams, thoughts,  unless it’s “innaproiate”. I think with this in mind, they are controlling. They find peace in control because it makes them feel like a good parent, and they don’t want to lose that feeling, so they make it harder on me when they feel like when they are losing it. That’s why they wouldn’t let me get a job all last year, or also why mom wouldn’t do math with me all of last year, (it is parent led homeschooling, and she didn’t teach me for a whole year. I havnt really done any highschool math, just pre algebra.) they don’t want me to be independent. I want to be independent and dress and be who I want without all of this shit, I hate this shit. 

just want to preface I’m not putting down religion in any way, just transphobic beliefs.

i don’t want to act like my problems are extreme or more hard than others, so thats why I titled this “Am I overreacting?” my parents have cared for me my whole life, and I’m grateful for that. i have food, clothes and shelter and access to a shower. I have a phone. my mom has bought me gifts and thinks of me. like I said I’m super thankful that I have this and not a physical abusive home, but I also feel like that’s the bare minimum. like if my parents said “but we don’t beat you with a baseball bat!” like shit man providing for you kid and not tormenting them is the bare minimum of parenthood.

my issues with my parents is I don’t think they truly care about me, only the idea of me. i think this because they have disregarded my mental health and treated as some sort of game I have to play but not take seriousl. it is serious, I am fucking miserable on the inside and have been suicidal. I’ve told my parents about my mental health issues like 3-4 times before and every time they just sort of forget. Idk if it’s intentionally or their subconscious just decides that they don’t want to deal with something more personal in their relationship with me. One time I brought this up to them and I asked why they forgot, and they shrugged and then I replied “this is important.” and my mom said “if your going to kill yourself your going to kill yourself, nothing I can do.” my depression stems from my environment. I live and have grown up in a conservative and Christian homeschooled community, who all collectively believe I deserve hell for being lgbtq. Thats another thing, I’ve told my parents like 5 times that I want to transition (mtf) and they also just “forget about it”. they have passive aggressively shamed for that need of transitioning, and they have prohibited me from transitioning. I really just want out of my parents home. my parents wouldn’t let me get a job all of last year, also my mom didn’t do math with me for all of last year. While I am not great at math, and in other subjects I have had some bad grades because of procrastination which is my fault, but my mom is my teacher in our situation, it is parent led homeschooling so she not doing math with me is insane. They have also been strict on my phone, so I’m pretty isolated with no friends just stuck in a prison called my parents home.

my sister moved out as soon as she could too, and she said my parents were mentally abusive to her. my brother agreed with me on something I forgot to mention earlier about how my mom literally will get angry over anything and everything, like she could argue about the sky being blue. (we once argued about chemtrails and she got really upset because I believe it is a conspiracy theory) and my dad just is completely emotionally unavailable, like having a conversation with him is so hard he can’t say much more than 4-5 words in a sentence, and if I make a point (no matter how well detailed and though out my point is) he just says “Your wrong.” as if that would change my mind.

sorry for the rant, if I think of anything else ill add more, but am I overreacting to all of this?