u/Puzzleheaded_Line210

Fuck autism, fuck CPTSD, fuck me why was I born? I can’t function in this world I can’t. I really believe if I wasn’t autistic I could live a happy life and I think being autistic is stopping me from being happy.

I don’t know if living is that important. I want to be happy. I don’t want to try to be I don’t want to fight to be because if I fight to be I’m not going to be the one living to be happy. I’m not going to be happy. I should just die. Dying if I could just do it would be the easiest thing. I don’t want to dedicate my entire life to something I can’t accomplish.

I can’t even make the first step and after the first step I have so many other things I have to do. I can’t change people. I can only control myself and so all else has failed my death is the only option I have that I have complete control over. I can’t blame anyone else for why my life isn’t working out other than me. I can’t get a good therapist I don’t know what else I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to heal and get better.

I don’t see any signs of anything getting better no dominos are falling no butterfly is flapping it’s wings my life is stagnant no matter what I do if stuff is supposed to get better later what’s going to make that happen? I just want to check myself into a psych ward at this point. I just need a break from life I don’t want to deal with life anymore I don’t want to make the decisions if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I keep checking myself into hospitals every few years and everytime it throws everything off. I’m tired. I just want this all to go away I don’t care how it happens I just want it to stop. I should be in a home for the mentally unwell because I simply cannot function.

Mental health hospitals just aren’t helpful in the longterm and just make things more difficult. I’m already in debt for unpaid medical bills and other things I have collectors call my phone and I just let it go to voicemail but every single call everytime I forget who a number is and I listen to a voicemail it just makes me feel worse. I’m failure. I have debt for financial aid from dropping out of college. If I could just permanently live in a psych ward that would be great. But the U.S. doesn’t do that anymore because they didn’t want anyone being treated terribly and this Administration might start doing it again but it’s just going to be concentration camps and slavery.

I don’t know what else to do.

I can’t seem to find a discord server specifically for the Antelope valley

I want to get multiple perspectives and learn as much as I can so I can understand myself better.

I’ve had some issues with my gender identity I don’t think I’m a woman I’m not willing to transition I don’t think that would make me more comfortable or change how I really view myself. I most definitely don’t feel like a man most of the time. I’m not genderfluid I don’t think it doesn’t really change like. Nonbinary fits I think it’s easy to understand and comfortable but I think I fit under demifem more. People can barely accept a 3rd option almost no one considers 27 to unlimited options as a real thing.

I saw someone post something about how their “boobs are to heavy and if someone could take them” my first thought immediately was that I’ll take them and that’s what led me here because really I guess I just don’t want to be different I want to fit in and be something easy to understand and not have to fight to exist. The thought of being very fem and identifying more with that is in my mind a lot and I feel like I’m denying that part of myself. I’m just not sure what to do.

I think I enjoy being a woman much more than I do being a man. Way too much to be comfortable saying I’m nonbinary. It just feels very difficult and scary to accept myself as that confront all of my beliefs and commit to that change. I like wearing makeup and nail polish and dresses. I’ve noticed I’ve naturally adjusted to more feminine body language and “emotes”? Play with my hair cross my fingers and I really don’t like facial hair I shave as often as I can.