u/Rachelcat1115

I’m almost 26 and completely inexperienced in sex and dating, and especially the past year or so that has resulted in extreme self hatred. Every day I wake up and think “I’m still a virgin” and it’s like it plays over and over in my mind all day, along with thoughts like “I’m worthless, a loser, ugly, repulsive” etc. Thoughts of all I’ve missed out on and the experiences I should’ve had by now. The thoughts don’t stop. It’s like the default way my brain operates now.

Because of my insecurities and extremely low self esteem, I’ve been getting the urge to “punish” myself through sex. I feel I don’t deserve a good first experience since I’m a loser. So I’ve been thinking of looking online for a guy that’s into extreme BDSM, or just a guy that wants to be rough during sex. It’ll be all consensual, but I want it to hurt. I want to be slapped, degraded. I want the penetration to hurt. Because I feel I deserve pain due to being a failure of a woman.

I know this is intense, but this is just the reality of my life and feelings right now. I’m terrified to bring this up with my therapist because I’m embarrassed and also wouldn’t even know where to begin. And I’m also scared that this will be beyond her specialty. My mind is a war zone and it’s torture daily.

Tomorrow is the first day of autumn, and while I love autumn, I always get that same sense of anxiety because with autumn and winter comes flu season. Starting around November I usually see news stories pop up about Norovirus cases souring. And I get paranoid.

My emetophobia is mostly triggered by seeing and hearing other people vomit. But when I’m nauseous I get anxious too because I worry I have something contagious and will spread it to my parents and they’ll get sick and start vomiting.

It’s especially tough because my dad smokes and has severe emphysema and coughs and gags a lot, and since our house is small, I hear everything. So I wear noise canceling headphones a lot. And both my parents aren’t very cautious when it comes to germs like I am. They’ll touch things and then touch their face/mouth. But even if they do use hand sanitizer it sucks because that’s not enough to kill Norovirus. So I make sure to not even touch my face at all until I get home and can wash my hands. And I worry they’ll get sick, especially during flu season.

Although thankfully we’ve all avoided the stomach bug for years now (the last time it was in the house was when I had it when I was 10 and neither my parents or older sister got it) the anxiety always rises around flu season. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year.

I’m referring to the women who are consensually in the industry and who are popular.

They have perfect faces, perfect bodies, are pros at sexual acts and have no issues with penetration. They have guys fawning over them every second of the day. They actually know what it’s like to be sexually desirable.

And then there’s me who’s ugly, has issues and fears around penetration, has never even held hands with a guy, has never had a guy interested in me, never been asked out. I’ve been bullied by guys more than them being nice to me.

At least those women can actually feel like they can participate in womanhood. I don’t even feel like a woman. I get my period and have female characteristics but I don’t feel like a woman. Just a thing that’s existing.

Speaking from the perspective of a completely inexperienced straight 25 year old woman, the sentiment that “it doesn’t matter if you’re still a virgin, there’s nothing wrong with you” and other similar sentiments like it, just feels empty to me. While I appreciate that that mindset is trying to gain traction for both men and women, unfortunately I feel like the majority of society hasn’t caught up to it yet.

I’ve seen enough threads. I’ve seen enough comments. I’ve seen enough commentary. The notion that older virginity is prized in women is a myth. A total myth. Most guys want a woman who knows what she’s doing in bed and who won’t hold them back. They don’t want the pressure of being a woman’s first, especially past a certain age. I’m a walking red flag according to many men.

The way that virginity is used as an insult. The way that “loser” and “prude” get thrown around towards people like us. The way people will react with shock if the conversation around sex or dating comes up and you have to reluctantly admit that you can’t contribute anything to the conversation. The way that people will start infantilizing you once they find out about your inexperience. And truthfully, I don’t feel like an adult a lot of the time. I don’t feel like a grown woman. I feel like I’ve missed some rite of passage into adulthood.

A lot of people will try to comfort older virgins by saying “the right person shouldn’t care” or “you shouldn’t be ashamed to reveal your inexperience to a potential partner” but it’s easy to say that when you’re on the other side of the pond. It’s easy for a woman to say that when she’s reached certain milestones by the “normal” age. It’s easy for a man to say that when he’s never had to deal with an inexperienced partner at an older age.

I am utterly terrified to start dating. I’ve heard enough horror stories from other older virgin women that they were immediately rejected when they revealed their inexperience. Some of them have even had to start lying about their inexperience. It’s sad. It’s like I’m bracing for rejection before it even happens.

You can’t really blame older virgins for feeling behind or like defects. It may not make sense to you, but when you’re an older virgin and you’re surrounded by the mainstream talk around dating, romance, sex, hookups, etc. it’s certainly a good way to make you feel abnormal, even if you don’t want your inexperience to define your life.

It’s rough out here for inexperienced men and women. There is a social hierarchy unfortunately, and it seems we’re at the bottom of it.

Why would a guy choose me? He shouldn’t anyway. He deserves a woman who actually is beautiful and confident and knows what she’s doing sexually. A woman who won’t disappoint him. A woman who isn’t afraid of penetration.

I’m a defect and not even worth anything. A guy choosing me would be like choosing a rotten pizza in the garbage when there’s a pizza restaurant right down the street.

I’m a 25 year old virgin loser. Never even been kissed. Ugly too. What guy would choose me? He shouldn’t anyway. He deserves a woman who actually is beautiful and confident and knows what she’s doing sexually. A woman who won’t disappoint him. A woman who isn’t afraid of penetration.

I’m a defect and not even worth anything. A guy choosing me would be like choosing a rotten pizza in the garbage when there’s a pizza restaurant right down the street.

I feel so outside the realm of humanity that I wonder sometimes if me being born was an accident. I don’t offer anything by being here. Never been to college, no friends, never had a romantic or sexual life. Just sit at home and wallow in my misery. I’m not living, I’m just existing. Just going through the motions daily. What’s the point of anything then? It’s pathetic what my life is. There’s nothing impressive about it.

I’ve gotten so sick mentally this past year. I’ve resorted to self-harming. The self hatred and negative thoughts about myself won’t shut up. It’s like they’re the default way my brain functions. Every day feels like torture. I don’t wanna die, but I sometimes wonder why I was even born at all.

I’ve seen videos before on social media of people trying to be funny (which I don’t think anything is funny about this topic) where they say stuff like “You know what? I’m done trying to spend countless hours trying to convince you Jesus is real! If you don’t wanna believe, fine! Go to hell then!” Never mind the fact that no one can believe without the Holy Spirit, which is up to God to freely grant to whom He chooses, but whatever.

I guess what I’m trying to say is for some people it’s easy to conclude that someone brought quadrillions+++ years of suffering on themselves when they’re just a stranger. Even though “Love your neighbor as yourself” doesn’t only apply to relatives and close loved ones.

I doubt they’ve ever agonized over whether a parent or sibling is saved (like I have when I was still a reluctant infernalist) or an uncle, or a grandmother, or a friend. Or heck, even themselves. Just crying until they hyperventilate pleading with God for a loophole somehow to still let these individuals into Paradise.

I’ve noticed a lot of infernalists seem completely apathetic over people being damned eternally if they’re a stranger on the internet, or someone they pass on the street who declines to hear the Gospel. Or the really really bad evil people. Ironically though, a lot of infernalists seem to desperately make exceptions for certain unbelievers or people who live a life of hate and violence if they’re close loved ones. “Maybe they made a death bed confession!” “Maybe they read the Bible and pray in their private time!” I guess it’s a way to cope with the cosmic horror of their beliefs.

Although I do still struggle with fears due to anxiety and OCD, I’m not completely hopeless anymore. I can’t imagine ever being a confident infernalist again. No way.

I missed out on some important developmental milestones that most people my age started experiencing 10 years ago. I’ve spent majority of my life feeling weird and abnormal, those feelings won’t suddenly go away the moment I start having sex. I’m starting out from square one. Everything will be a big deal to me and to my partner if I find one it won’t be to him because he’ll have already experienced them before.

I mean, my first time probably won’t be all that anyway since I’m probably going to just do a meaningless hookup to get it over with, but still. I don’t expect anything good to happen to me anymore. I just brace for pain and cruelty.

It’s been a bad week. What guy would want someone like me? He’ll probably be disappointed after having sex with me because I’ll be so bad, not knowing what I’m doing. I couldn’t even get through a Pap smear because it was so painful. It took me three attempts to have a successful one. A guy deserves a woman who can do penetration easily. There’s so many other women who can pleasure him well and who are better looking. I don’t deserve a man at this point.

It irks me whenever I hear people say that to try and comfort people like us. It’s empty platitudes at this point. And it’s almost always women who have no trouble getting safe sexual and romantic relationships that say this.

Meanwhile almost every song, movie, book, podcast, etc is about relationships and sex. So many memes are just sexual jokes. Every time I go on AskReddit there’s always a question about sex, with thousands of likes and comments, even though there’s already other subs specifically for questions like that.

We’re constantly bombarded since childhood that the main goal in someone’s life should be to find “your person” and get married.

People only say that to us because deep down they know they could never live in our shoes for even a day, much less years. “Sex isn’t all that!” They say as they’re screwing their boyfriend/husband every night. Please spare me.

I’m not the same person that I was. This pain has changed me a lot. Whenever I’m on social media and I see a post of a woman getting married, I get sad and a little annoyed. I instantly scroll away. I want to feel happy for her, and deep down I guess I do a little, but the majority of the time I just get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Like I can feel an anxious feeling in my chest and stomach.

I react this way too whenever I stumble upon a birth video. I personally don’t even want kids, but knowing that even if I did, no man would want to have children with me. I see the woman’s husband in the birth video stroking her hair and kissing her forehead as she’s in labor and it just cracks my heart even more. I’ve never had that, a man yearning for me and admiring me like that.

And when I read comments and see posts of women and men describing their previous sexual experiences and the active sex life that they have now. What the hell is that like? Meanwhile I don’t even know what it feels like to hold a guy’s hand. How do people find sexual and romantic relationships so easily as if they were just breathing? How?

It makes me scared for when/if I ever do find some good female friends in the future because if they get into a relationship or get married, etc that it’ll take great effort to feel happy for them. I might even isolate myself from them completely if that happens because it’ll just be too much. I feel so bad for feeling this way. I don’t want to be this bitter.

Living with constant pain and despair and feeling invisible and unloved can fundamentally change a person for the worst in a lot of cases. You don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re like a shell of your former self. Anyone who hasn’t lived our experiences will never, ever, understand this. I don’t want them to. It’s torture daily.

I truly do feel at the bottom of the social hierarchy still being a kissless virgin at 25. I’ve failed at being a human being, a woman. I’m too much of a coward to just hookup with a guy and get it over with. And I’m not attractive enough and lack the social skills to find a committed relationship. Either cutting or burning myself looks more appealing daily. As a way to punish myself.

I guess I just want to not feel alone. I want to have sex a lot, I consider myself to be on the high libido end. But I’m also terrified of it too. Scared of UTI’s, scared of pregnancy, scared of STD’s, and I’m scared of penetration. I know penetration is supposed to feel good but it can also be so uncomfortable too. Like, how do women do it for real? How can they stand their male partners going fast and rough? Does that not hurt for them? It took me three attempts to have my first Pap smear last year and that was deeply unpleasant, I can’t imagine how sex will be even if I’m aroused. Plus I’m scared my body and face aren’t attractive enough to fully give into the pleasure and passion of sex.

I’ve been tempted to just get my virginity out of the way but I know I’ll probably regret it. Even if I find a guy to be in a committed relationship with, I’ll probably still always have anxiety around sex even though I’ll trust him and have a high sex drive. I don’t know, my feelings around this are weird and contradictory. Don’t know how else to explain it.

Most women who leave Reddit comments and posts always either talk about their boyfriends/husbands, exes, a friend group, an active social and sex life, and then there’s just me. Who stays at home most of the time due to extreme social anxiety, depression, trauma from bullying, being unattractive. It’s like most women are in a completely different world than I am, and I landed from another far away planet. It feels like they’re all in a special club that I wasn’t invited to. Reading them makes me feel outside the realm of normalcy, outside the realm of womanhood.

Last night I was with my parents watching some fireworks and all the people around us were couples. Gorgeous women with perfect bodies sitting with their boyfriends or husbands. Two young women came to stand beside me to see which spot would be best for a good view of the fireworks and standing next to them made me feel like a literal blob. They were skinny, perfect skin, perfect hair, crop-tops they could look attractive in because their stomachs were toned. Perfect makeup that I could only dream of doing. I couldn’t even look at them really, it was too painful. I got anxious all of a sudden wondering if anyone would look at us and think how ugly I looked standing next to them. I was glad when they eventually walked to a different spot. If only I could be that perfect looking. I can only dream.

I was gonna wait for someone I felt safe with and cared about, but I don’t think I’m worthy of that. I’m too ugly and disgusting. Tempted to just find a guy online. I’ll make sure he’s tested and I’m on birth control. It probably won’t feel that pleasant because I’m scared and have difficulty with penetration, but I don’t really care anymore. I missed out on a lot and that will affect me forever. No use waiting for Mr. Right. Besides, I’ll at least learn sexual skills this way. Don’t wanna disappoint a guy by being horrible at sex.

It sucks because I’m very sick right now being unmedicated. Like I can physically feel the brain fog and stuff if that makes sense. And my thoughts are very dark with the self hatred and self harm. But I’m terrified to go on SSRI’s because of the side effects. I also struggle with severe anxiety and OCD symptoms so that doesn’t help.

I took the Genesight test a couple years ago and most antidepressants are in the red category for me anyway, which sucks. But I especially hate the thought of sexual dysfunction, which is almost a guarantee with SSRI’s. My sexuality is important to me, it’s one of the few things I have left, not to sound dramatic. And I have an intense fear of PSSD which won’t go away no matter how much I try to calm myself down.

I really really want treatment for my illness, but my extreme fear of side effects is a major hindrance to getting treatment. Right now the only thing I feel even slightly “safe” going on is buspirone.

I see this a lot online. Whenever a woman is expressing her frustrations with being conventionally unattractive and having difficulty with dating, the comments always say the same thing. “You’re probably fat! Just lose weight! Having a great body is 50% of it!” Or something along those lines. It hurts to read those comments as a chubby woman who has tried and tried to have the “perfect” toned body but just can’t get there.

While I do agree that society does unfortunately value thinness in women in particular to an extreme, it really grinds my gears when people seem to think it’s this ultra easy and simple process to lose weight and suddenly get the “perfect” body.

First of all, there are multiple medical issues that can make it extremely difficult to lose weight and even cause weight gain. Thyroid disorders (I struggle with Hashimoto’s), hormonal disorders like PCOS, etc. And plus some medications that people take for other health issues can cause weight gain. Plus genetics play a role. Some people just have slow metabolisms. Fat distribution is different for every woman due to genetics.

Also, there’s a theory called the “set point” theory that the medical community recognizes is a real thing. Basically, your body has a set weight, and you may be able to lose weight, with great effort, but not maintain it. In fact, about 80% of people who lose weight will gain it back within 2-5 years, and most of the time it isn’t because they reverted back to their old ways and are eating unhealthily again. Their body just gets them back to the set weight they were at before.

This is true in my experience. I’ve dieted for years. I meticulously count my calories daily, though sometimes I’ll have a cheat day. I stopped exercising for a while but have recently gotten back into it, but even so, I’ve never been able to be “thin”. I’ve always been thicker, no matter what I’ve tried. And the scale takes a while to go down, and when it does a little it gets stuck again. Some women are just meant to be on the thick side, period.

Some people might recommend daily gym trips, but gym memberships and setting aside time in their day to go are a luxury that many people just don’t have.

It hurts that me being chubby might hurt my chances in the dating scene (among other things), but I just can’t be thin. I can’t. Anyone who says that’s it’s easy and simple to be thin and fit is just plain wrong and delusional. Sorry.

Just stay at home most of the time, drowning in my misery. I’m chubby, ugly, no sexual or romantic experience at all. I’m a defect and failure of a woman. I missed out on those formative experiences and I will feel the effects of that forever. I’m inferior to other women. I haven’t even started the race that everybody else has finished. I have no sex appeal at all, a guy will probably want to vomit if one ever wants to get intimate with me. I’m disgusting, worthless, a failure of a woman, a human being. I just wanna get shit faced drunk one night and go out walking. Pathetic.