god bless me enough to see the power of pausing. to investigate thoughts, to pay credence and understanding, to discard them when necessary, to embrace them when they’re principled.
to not be so selfish.
with all my heart: is how i seek change, how i seek wisdom, how i seek serenity.
the ways of old do not work in my life anymore (never did). they were placeholders for real solutions, bandaids over psychological bullet wounds.
may i never stop seeking. it is in the seeking that we find salvation, solution, Peace. it is in the seeking that we begin to change our behaviors, move toward calm, find wisdom greater than ourselves. it is in the seeking that all peace and understanding is found. and as we seek so does our faith grow.
may i seek you for all of my days god. may i seek you in everything i do: every thought, every action, every facet of my life. every step forward and even when i inevitably step backwards, help me return to you more and more in those times too. help me to seek your wisdom, your guidance, your Peace - and by that token receive all that is offered through your grace alive in my life. help me to always know i am cared for in this world.
were you just a season
a moment, frozen, hearts beating
are you the sun or the moon
or just a star that fades too soon
a picture in my heart
imprinted on my mind
they say it all gets better
and all i have is time
i step ahead while looking back
how did i get so far off track
the path was lost, my eyes gone blind
the memory of you, within my mind
there were about 200 more after this. i sent a bunch off to get graded, fingers crossed - some of them looked like psa 9's and 10's but i bet everyone thinks that 🤣
i'm grateful to find things to do which allow me to completely lose track of time. i'm grateful for my neighbors and friends that stopped by. i'm grateful that even though my 12 year relationship to a person i thought i'd grow old with ended, that i'm able to pray for peace for her and mean it, and to do the things which give me peace as well. i'm grateful for this life.
struggled with addiction for two decades, clean five years now and very grateful
this just sort of came out the other day, hadn't even picked up the guitar in several weeks
quite peaceful
doing my best to live the way you taught me buddy. in love with life and people and the memory of you. thank you for everything you taught us my little man.
hello again - god, the Universe, the Great Spirit, the immutable laws of space and time, allah, buddha, muhammed, all of it. hello.
just wanted to check in again ya know? say thanks. thanks for guiding me. thanks for making me present in my own life. thanks for giving me the esteem to become myself. thanks for the patience in my mind. thanks for the love and care of self. thanks for helping me to think of others, mostly without strings attached. thanks for making me a person i look in the mirror and go, “i love you”. thanks for putting people in my life that are meaningful and good. thanks for helping me to have good interactions, and to be secure in self in situations that previously used to baffle me. thanks for giving me the ease and comfort that i used to only find in a drink. thank you so much for turning that ship. i truly cannot believe how much you have changed my life and the Peace you have bestowed upon me - it’s a gift more extravagant than i could ever imagine. thank you for your grace god. thank you for having mercy on me.
help me god.
help me to keep my mind clear. help me to hurt no one today, not myself nor others. help me to be genuine and good and not wrapped up in self. help to keep me willing, and to live with humility in my heart - to never forget where i came from. help me continue to learn, to be a student, to sip this thing called life slowly and rightfully. help me to not revert to old coping mechanisms that no longer serve this version of me, and to thank the old ones for getting me through. help me to continue to grow and become the most useful and selfless version of myself that has ever existed. help me to seek you in everything i do, help me to be guided by the giant great Universe instead of the tiny self deluded ego. help me to let go god. help me to let go of everything: expectations, self-will, the past - and to just live in the present moment. i am here and now and i appreciate that more than anything. thank you for the air in my lungs today god.
if you told my 18yr old self i would be writing things like this, and mean them from the bottom of my heart, i would have laughed you out of the room. but here i sit, trying with every fiber of my being to live this way each and every day. what a blessing this program is - i had no idea how much it offered when i first came in five years ago desperate to just stop drinking. thankful and grateful for you all.
i thought i was a waiter. i thought i was a poker player. i thought i was a runner, a person in a relationship, a student, a gambler, a drinker, a money maker, a connector of people. but i am not any of those things.
i am the integrity i bring into situations. i am the presence that exists, i am the openness i carry with others. i am the curiosity about life - my life and yours. i am the willingness to show up, i am the motives with which i operate. i am the cleanness of my own thoughts.
i am many things, but none of them are the externalities i once thought i was - those are simply the manifestations of my inner thought plane, which is who i truly am. and as i am curious, and open, and present, and willing - as i do those things, my life opens up to many adventures. i end up on business adventures, life adventures, friend adventures - all because of and determined by who i am on my inner plane. it’s that inner plane that leads to connection and openness and the willingness to get out and try whatever the thing presented in front of me is.
so who am i today? today i am integrity, and curiosity, and willingness, and purity of intention, and a man of presence - and those things bring me on all sorts of adventures: full court basketball, aquascaping, steaks with neighbors, the itchetucknee river, a job at ITS, a loaf of bread shared at san marco.
today i am water - open to all routes, flowing in each moment, and unstoppable in its pursuit; able to pause when given the right context, able to flow with great force when the situation demands.
my head and heart have become calm. it didn't happen overnight, but through continuous effort over the last five years to turn towards gratitude and god whenever trouble has arose, and through simply praying each day to become the best version of myself possible, i can finally sit with myself calmly. i can love on myself, and know that i am a good dude because i try in each moment of every day to be exactly that. acting right makes me feel alright, who coulda figured? grateful every day for these changes, optimistic and hopeful.
i am five years sober from alcohol/drugs, and only now beginning to understand step three. i’ve held on to so many things: behaviors, selfishness, relationships, and process addictions that have kept me sick for the entirety of my first five years of sobriety. specifically, i held on to a gambling addiction that was actively holding me back from spiritual growth. i won a lot of money but i lost my Peace in the process. i would like to say it just kept me spiritually stagnant, but the fact is these other addictions actively regressed me back into old thought patterns, habits, and behaviors. sure, no alcohol, but all the driving forces behind my alcoholism were still active and affecting not just my life, but the lives of all of those around me. i was unable to be present in any situation, just the same as in my drinking days. i refused to grow, to accept, to acknowledge the good things in life around me, and it cost me a relationship with my partner of 12 years. i see that now.
so here i am, five years into my sobriety journey, only just now able to implement step three into my life fully, without compartmentalizing, the way AA intends it. and honestly, only one month into this understanding, my life is blossoming. i wish nothing but the best for that woman, and i will carry the lessons that relationship taught me the rest of my life - not to ruminate on them, but to become better, and i thank her for that. i wish i could have grown up sooner and realized how much more there is to being sober than just removing alcohol, but it takes what it takes. i’m just glad to be present today. i’m glad to be able to show up fully and i’m glad that i never stopped praying for god to help me remove my defects of character. time takes time, but i am here now for self and others and that feels amazing.
thank you god/Universe/Cosmos, for helping me to take care of myself. for helping me to embrace my mind and the goodness within it, and then to continuously walk towards that good so that i may live a better life; for changing the whole world around me by rearranging my inner workings, for making my thought life clean and good and valuable to me. for helping put me in touch with my conscience and my spirit again, to make those the most important facets of my life so that i do not have the inner turbulence that used to plague me constantly. thank you for my sobriety both physically and within my mind today. help me to stay on and trust the path, just for today.
thank you god, for helping me to take care of myself. for helping me to embrace my mind and the goodness within it, and then to continuously walk towards that good so that i may live a better life; for changing the whole world around me by rearranging my inner workings, for making my thought life clean and good and valuable to me. for helping to put me in touch with my conscience and my spirit again, to make those the most important facets of my life so that i do not have the inner turbulence that used to plague me constantly. thank you for my sobriety both physically and within my mind today. help me to stay on and trust the path, just for today.
i didn’t have to hurt anyone today; not myself or anyone around me. i didn’t have to lie or manipulate or pretend to be someone i’m not. i didn’t have to worry about my reputation or wear a different mask around each different person i encountered. i didn’t have to look over my shoulder and wonder when it’s all going to come crashing down. i didn’t have to roll around in guilt until it festered and eventually ate me alive.
i could smile at myself today. i could look others in the eye. i could wait my turn. i could talk to my neighbors and connect with the humanity that surrounds me - i could brighten someone’s day. i could sit with myself at ease and comfort. i could be in a group and not need to be the center of attention. i could reach out to help without ulterior motivations. i could transmit something, because i’ve got something - god. my guide, my strength, my conscience, my heart.
i could see fear for what it is and face it with courage today. i could trust that i am safely held and know that whatever may come my way i will be alright today. i could navigate this world with peace in my heart and bring that to the people and situations i encounter throughout my day. i could be a source of light. i could trust and know that i am on the path and that my job is to take the next step, not to understand the whole thing all at once. i could be the proof that people do change and be grateful for that.