I feel disgusting.
I can’t tell anyone I know about this and I’ll take it to my grave at this point. When I was about 10(f) a girl a year older than me would come over to play. She would make me shut my door and we’d take off our pants. We would take turn closing our eyes and the other person would make you have to guess where on their body you were touching. You can assume how that went and this went on for about 7 months. It ended when we both got baptized together and we never spoke about it again. It was almost jarring when she acted like it never happened, because it felt like I was empty, almost like I missed it? I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal, or maybe like I’ve learned to desensitize myself to it enough where it seems like that. I don’t know I just know it messed me up so badly in the head. I wish it didn’t have as big as an effect on me as it did and still does. After the events happened I developed a p0rn addiction, like heavy, gross stuff. I learned basically everything from watching those types of videos. Sex was all I was thinking about at this point, like I would spend hours watching these videos and it was so so bad. During this time where I was watching these, I was still taking baths with my sister who was about 4-5 at the time and didn’t understand really anything much, I remember I made her touch me. She obviously wouldn’t remember, but looking back on it now I feel so disgusted that I would ever even consider that. I’m glad at least I had the conscience to never do something like that again though. I just don’t know who I can talk to about this without being shamed. I’ve already kind of told my mom about what happened with me and this girl, but I never went into details about it. I wish it never happened and sometimes there’s night where I just sit in bed and cry about it because I don’t know what else to do.