u/Raiden_2013

Long story short:

I grew as an artistic kid of some sorts ..always find me scibbling something in my notebook during class but sadly i had to abandon this for academic success and along the way i still had some experiemces with artsy stuff

Now i am studying mechanical engineering ..which is a very practical thing ..and i am not saying it is bad it just that something that i adjust myself into truly liking it ... on the contrary whenever i do something artistic like Guitar, writing poems, singing, filming, photography, graphic design.

I always feel like its true to me on a core level

For example i consider myself to be pretty sensetive to criticism -tho i take it well- however when i get it on my art i feel a burn to be better and always feel confident to do something that striles people in the heart and feel a hidden power inside my poems for example..when i dove into graphic design i poured my heart into it but stopped to reasons one of them being college ...

Now everytime i look at the path i am going which is engineering i find myself just being in it for money while trying to recompose myself and mold it into what i possibly would like in this major

So i am torn between doubling down on what i want or just get the degree and focus on it being my money making machine .. i tried to walk the middle path but to no avail it feel like lying to myself .. its like i am watching my dream version of me being this very expressive artist for the sale of "said engineer who earns money and owns a nice car and some expensive house ...etc"

Context: When i was a kid (i am a male firstborn ) my mom used to hug me or be okay with hugging me ..i grew older amd got a sibling then another sibling a year after

So i had three siblings to share my mother's affection with and i was fine until the youngest was diagnosed with autism ... and fast forward to today ..the autistic gets the attention mostly ..or more openly (we all are treated fairly ) and as i neared graduation and even after going to college ..i had this void of maternal affection ...i dont know when it happened but there was a point of turn where my mom stopped giving me physical affection (the kind i am starving for) and it started to take a toll on me once i realized that i am kinda looking for a mother in every other women in my life ..someone who is a bit nicer and soft with me and who gives me hugs ..as a clingy person i value physical affection very much so sometimes these days i go to hug my mom amd she is always tired or says things like "move your head its too heavy" " go away you and your nest like hair" ..and that is not even hugging her ..she says it when i lay my head on her shoulder or head ...which is the closest thing to a hug i can get from her. ...i really need help with it because it is starting to sneak into my pther aspect in life which is any woman any aunty i can get close to they end up making a mistake that proves them unworthy of being this maternal figure for me... i imagine it sometimes that maybe if i was able to get a step mom who actually will cuddle me or give me any physical affection and treats me well i would be happier and more stable because i have someone to fall onto when things get rough ...which gives me more confidence in geenral too..what should i do ?if anyone has an idea let me know

(I am 21 rn)

البارحة طلعت فيديواتي و انا صغير و عادة لما اشوف صورتي و انا صغير افرح او مثل اهوجس على ايام طفولتي و اتذكر لما جنت العب و و و..

و بعدها شفت فيديو الي بعمر حوالي ٤-٥ سنين بعيد ميلادي و حولي عمامي و جدتي و انا بالنص صغيرون كاعد ..

لما طاحت عيني على نفسي بالفيديو و انا اشوف ردة فعلي و شلون احسني جنت مثل المستحي (جنت مسوي حركة الجاهل من يحط ايده بحلكه و يباوع للي حوله بسكوت) بالفيديو فجاة غمرتني مشاعر قوية مادري من شنو هال هي حسرة على الي موجود بالفيديو او حسرة على الي ما موجود بالفيديو او حسيت اني انكسر خاطري على نفسي الي بالفيديو او شي و حسيت بالمسؤولية او انه اريد احمي نفسي الي بالفيديو بشكل عام شعور protective و بقيت ادمع لا ارادي فاستغربت ليش اجتني هاي ردة الفعل القوية من فيديو بسيط و لطيف

احد صاير وياه هيج موقف او يعرف شي شنو السالفة لان استغربت

حتى حسيت بشعور ارتباط قوي وية نفسي الي بالفيديو ما اعرف اوصفه

i am having a problem here ..

I seem to think subconsciously that any woman is better than me ..and i am alwayswrong ..and i have to earn my place to be with one (while she doesnt have to do anything because her being with me insufferable enough)...and i dont feel proud about myself ever and if i do ..i feel guilty about it ...i try to think that i deserve more and better but i feel like i shouldnt deserve better since i have flaws

And of course there is the package of not good looking enough and genuine feel of not being enough no matter what i do ...i noticed that i always dismiss my "achievements" and remind myself of my flaws and keeping my self in this "not enough yet" state...also when it comes to women i feel very desperate despite my efforts to be more content with myself ..and when i do want a girl when i think about it i just assume she is gonna do bare minimum for me and i have to convince her to wash dishes or cook for example ...i also can imagine myself cuddling the girl and being affectionate ..but when i imagine the affectionism towards me i struggle to feel a warmth most of the times (i just feel neutral or cold or distant about it)