u/Repulsive-Ad9165

The ultimate betrayal. The betrayal of a husband and of a trusted friend.

She apologized and I forgive her, told her I forgive her, but my anger is still there.

While I was pregnant…

Fuck.

Before finding out about the infidelities, I hardly ever drank, didn’t really cuss, assumed the best in people, and wasn’t angry.

Now I feel like I’m an angry person.

Who am I protecting by holding onto these hurts ?

Certainly not me.

Maybe it would’ve been better if I found out and left my husband immediately.

Why didn’t I do that ?

Am I letting him know by staying, that I’m something to be fucked with ? Someone to be disrespected?

I don’t want to be a door mat. I’ve always just wanted love.

Now, although my happily ever after is gone, it doesn’t mean I can’t ever try again.

I’m just not holding my breath and I know it’ll be a long time before I can let myself ever fall for anyone again.

I have a son now, so now I have to think of him.

And will I ever be able to have another baby without experiencing this trauma ?

Will this pain ever leave me?

They say you don’t forget your firsts…

Well I won’t forget.

I also don’t know if I can have another baby ever again.

I don’t know if that sounds more sad or relieving to think about .

I have a 5 1/2 month old and lately I’ve been sleeping on the couch with him while he’s in his bassinet next to me. It honestly helps makes the night trips to the fridge easier, as I am exclusively pumping and as a grab bottles during the night. I’ve been out here for the most part since I have birth, my husband and I for the first two months were rotating baby duty out in the living room/ couch. But The reason I am still not sharing is due to issues in our marriage that come from him. I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him right now and I told him that. I told him I don’t know when I would be able to do that again.

I also told him before that I don’t know when I’d be able to have sex again because I do not mentally feel like I want to have sex. I told him if I were to, he can’t ask me in the moment, it has to be a conversation before anything were to happen and I want to initiate that.

Since then he has asked me a lot for sex, even calling me at night asking if we can have sex and I’ve caved some of those times. I didn’t want to in the first place but tried to get myself into it, my mind not really into it, and I end up regretting later. There was only one time since birth that sex felt okay for me and even then I started spiraling and almost having a panic attack.

Flash forward to now , my husband is pulling off my pants in the middle of the night. I wake up and realize he is doing that but I am half asleep so I am very confused. He ends up trying to give me head and then use himself to play with me . At this point, I am alert and he asks me what’s wrong and I tell him “I don’t know “ while moving my legs away. He told me that he has a condom on already and I can use him to make myself cum and then started asking me if he could cum as well. My Brain is trying to recollect itself as it was probably like 2 or 3am at that point. I end up pulling my legs away again because after the first time (not aggressively at all) he pulled my legs back to how they were.

For visual reference , I was laying on my back and he was on top of me. After I moved my legs again, he asked me what’s wrong or what’s going on and I tell him “I don’t want sex or anything right now” and then he pulls away and ends up giving me my pants back and as he is walking away, he tells me oh okay (basically, I can’t remember what he said ) and that he was doing what I told him. Which made me confused, because what did I tell him?? That I didn’t want sex and had to use condoms for anything sexual?

I’m just confused why he brought that up then. He didn’t necessarily walk away mad or anything, and I wasn’t scanning his emotions at that point. He walked to the room first, walked right back and was running the water in the kitchen and I guess was probably washing off something with his condom?

I put my pants and underwear back on because it felt right. I also ended up touching myself for a second hours later and felt myself wet still down there…

Now I am wondering if he wore a condom? What was wet? Did he have a condom on the whole time? I don’t remember. I only remember what I typed out and I thought I remembered waking up in the beginning of it all.

I feel violated and honestly more hurt. I have no one else to tell about this and am not really looking for ppl to tell me to just “leave him.” I’m already debating that right now, but that’s between myself and I. I just needed to vent and get this off of my chest.

So as you can read from the title, one of my husbands AP’s is his cousins wife. Supposedly he had feelings for her years ago (even while she was still married) and she had feelings for him too. She asked him if he believes in soul mates and if some people miss their soul mates , implying she thought it was him I guess.

This all happened before I even dated my husband and we now have one little baby together. I found out about his infidelities April 27th and the one with her hurts the most, even though SUPPOSEDLY they never had sex.

He trickle truthed a lot of stuff for a couple weeks, first from he never had any feelings for her, only kissed her once & there was touching. Then next week, it was, it only happened one other time while we were on our couples trip together. Then it was we only flirted to okay we sexted before our trip, with pictures and texts over Snapchat (that’s all gone and deleted now). He told me just last week that he never said it was before the trip and that it must have been after the trip. Last week he also told me that they hung out once for 15 mins in the parking lot outside of a volunteer center where he was at and they only talked and that yes he never told me about it. He swears that’s the only other time they saw each other alone but I don’t feel settled.

I told him I believe he has feelings for her and that they talked all the time. He admitted to them having a past relationship of hanging out all of the time for random stuff (still while she was married btw). But that he now has no feelings for her, just I guess liked the attention and how she makes him feel (which is “not garbage” apparently). He told me initially when he admitted to her as his AP that she always made him feel like he was good enough as he was and never needed to change. These words make me think it’s more.

What do you guys think? I’m really struggling and could use an outsiders perspective

my therapist is telling me this is there validity to it? I brought up our fights since I have confronted my husband and we’ve decided to work on things and I also brought up a point of contention in our marriage which was our wedding vows. This was something my husband was hurt by and said was an issue for him for a year after we got married. He said that he was hurt I didn’t write my own vows and that it was a big middle finger to him. He told me when he had brought up that he wanted personal vows (1 month before our wedding) and that he wanted our vows to hold each other to a standard / biblical in nature (he’s christian). ALSO, at that point in time he had also cheated on me earlier that year while we were engaged and I didn’t know that at the time. He told me if I didn’t write vows, it was a make it or break it deal for him and told me he cannot marry me if we didn’t do that.

Therapist says it was control and projection. She said most people don’t tell their partner what to write for vows, they just write from the heart and let their partner write whatever they want to write. She told me that it’s not normal and the reason why vows might have been so important for him was because he knew he was failing me and not holding himself to a standard.

Do I keep looking for signs? How do I get clarity here ?

My husband cheated on me and I think he deleted his snap in September so I want to see if there’s anything more in there that he didn’t tell me. He told me before he admitted to there being another girl that he believed there was something bad on Snapchat (which was the other girl). But after hearing that it makes me think there’s more girls.

This is probably a long cause but I wanted to know if I could recover this account? It’s already been deleted and past the recovery time so answers probably no :/ I really just want to see the messages and data but I know it’s probably going to float around in my mind forever if he’s telling me the truth or not lol