u/Rough_Journey

I don't know which examination it was, as it's over a decade already, but it was an examination that decided if I am worthy of going to the university.

It was a composition question. I think the prompt was something about adapting video games into theaters. As an avid gamer, it was right up my alley, so words were *pouring* out like laminar flow and unobstructed.

It's hazy now but I remember writing why video game movies were generally bad because you're taking the controls away from the player. I wrote how video games gave the freedom of choices, and each player experiences the same media completely differently from each other. One player might go left, another might go right. One player might take their time, another might run to the end as fast as possible.

There's also the fact that you're bringing in an audience that *already knew* of the adapting video games. They *know* what's in it, they *know* what to expect, they *know* how it goes. So you're trying to impress an audience that already knows ***everything***.

So to adapt a video game onto the big screen, you are forced to take a single linear line that some will find outrageous and only impress few. It is almost impossible to do it *successfully*.

I then wrote there were games that *could* adapt to movies, specifically linear story driven games. I cited "The Last Of Us" as the best video game candidate to successfully adapt to the movies.

I finished the exam very early because it was easy for me. I passed it, scored the highest out of everyone. But I failed in everything else and the whole examination entirely lmao.

This was over ten years ago, where video game movies are in their infantile.

Look at where we are now, so many successful video game movies. One video game movie got so successful that it made big wigs quiver, especially from an independent director

What a time.

I was doing a bit better since our *horrible* breakup, just 1% better. While the thought of her still occasionally crossed my mind, it didn't hurt as much anymore.

Until I accidentally came across her online account and saw her status. She's happier.

And I relapsed, horribly. My failure came back in full force, how I failed to be a good partner to her and everything. I tried to sleep it off but gave up after 4 hours of trying.

The worst part is that I was in a group chat with a bunch of my friends. I couldn't let them know I was going through it and tried to keep the facade. I did open up to a different circle of friends about what happened and they said it's a trauma response. I don't like that at all, sounds like it's overblowing something so small.

On my way home from my 12hr night shift, I spent more time with my eyes closed than open while driving home. I chalked it up to sleep deprivation but I knew what I was doing. The road was empty that day.

The thought of her hurts bad again.

I'm trying to change my username but it requires payment >!(Fuck microslop)!< but in the billing section it set to the wrong country preventing me from changing my username. It's grayed out too so I can't change the country. My microsoft account is set to the right country with the correct billing address tho.

As said in the title. I keep getting videos from channels I don't have the notification bells on. Sometimes it would recommend videos that were uploaded hours ago. There's an option in the setting menu that turns off subscription videos, stopping me from getting these unrelated videos but it is also stopping me from getting videos I have the bells on.

Also yes, I have the "Recommend Video" setting turned off so it's not that.

I used to love driving, and that is due to the fact that I am a car guy. Be it any car, any destination, any duration of time.

Drive the family minivan with shxtty CVT to the mini store that is five minutes away? Let me change into proper clothes and I'll be off. Drive the underpowered kei car with no AC to grab stuff from a relative 20min away? Let me warm up the car first and I'll get going.

By far my favorite was driving my own personal car, which is a late 80's FWD sedan liftback that is still running on carb and 5 speed manual transmission. It's probably in the worst state out of all cars my family owned. It constantly broke down and I constantly fixed it back up. Tho while I am a car guy, I am not a mechanic, so I usually just send it to the workshop for any fix. I probably put twice the cash fixing the car than with the cash I bought it. The tyres are balding, the driveshafts will probably break soon, windows and door locks aren't working, the gears grind if I don't shift in a specific way, the carb is wonky and it's leaking oil and AC coolant.

But I LOVED driving that thing. I had once took it for a cruise to my friend's wedding in another district almost two hours away alone and it was wonderfully joyous. No music, no distractions. It was just me, by myself, rowing through the gears and just... Drive.

It was the closest thing to actually being a proper and genuinely helpful therapy. Driving my car in general is just serene but that time was so much more, especially the fact that it was lightly raining too.

Last year, I experienced the worst breakup I never thought I would ever go through. The worst part is that it was entirely my fault, that the one to blame is me and only me, that if I had been better, the breakup wouldn't have happened. My ex revealed her thoughts about me and it killed everything inside me, especially the fact that she were right with every hurtful word she said about me.

Since then, I don't enjoy anything anymore. My hobbies felt meaningless. My favorite things to do only made me feel genuinely cold inside. Playing games was something I really enjoy, now it feels like chores. Playing bass is my longest hobby but now it feels dead weight on my lap.

But the worst one is driving. To say that I don't enjoy driving anymore doesn't even scratch the surface. Driving makes me feel alone, and me alone makes me think my thoughts, and my thoughts only replays their hurtful words about me, about my own failure, about how much I fucked things up and I cannot blame anyone but myself for hurting the most important person in my life. I cannot enjoy driving anymore, because it makes me think about death.

I almost did it, back in January. I was almost ready for it. I had deleted almost everything. There was almost no trace of me because I removed myself as much as possible without making my family suspicious of what I was about to do. I had reduce myself to nothing.

I chickened out, in the end. It felt so high standing on the chair, like standing on the edge of a skyscraper.

So now, I have significantly less than what I have before. My hobbies that I had worked for almost 10 years are now gone with no way to recover them. I don't have a job too. I don't even have most of the stuff I had because I have most of them away.

Driving still feel like shxt no matter how much I turn up the music to drown the thoughts, because every waking moment, be it lucid or not, reminds me of my failure, of her, of how much I hurt her.

It's hard trying to live when I failed my most important person in the world who now deeply resents me and is genuinely wishing for my death. I still agree with her, that my death would be the ultimate and best solution there is.

I still keep the rope.