I don't know what I am, or how to cope.
I don't really know where to begin, I'm having a lot of thoughts about being a trans woman, I'm AMAB, and I hate it. I hate my body hair, I hate my weight distribution, I hate the social aspects of being a man, I don't like gender as a whole. But I always have this nagging voice that says my life would be better, and I'd be happier if I were AFAB. I can't go into a lot of detail why, I'm really exhausted from talking about it, but I know this is how I feel. However I'm 22, and 95kg. I've already gone through male puberty, now I just feel big and in the way and gross. I long to be small and pretty and just, better. I don't want to medically transition or socially transition because I guess I'm just scared? I think I have a lot of internalised transphobia and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like transitioning would ever give me what I want, like instead of being some gross dude, I'd just be a gross dude with a delusion. It's tearing me apart, I don't feel like it's something I'm capable of doing, nobody would take me seriously, I'd never be who I want to be. But ignoring it and living as I am is turning me into a spiteful, angry person and it's affecting my friends. I think part of me thinks that if I were afab, the people I care about would like me more, maybe I wouldn't be so miserable, I don't know anymore. I'm happy to reply to anyone completely honestly, I just need insight into this, I'm scared and alone.