u/Sash-Sass

We’re both in our mid 30s no kids. I went no contact with his family a year ago after repeated mistreatment for 5 years. I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later as they all celebrate all major holidays together and never cared enough to ask why I stopped going. Even worse they assumed I hate them all when in fact my husband knows the truth but denies any of it happened to me and thinks I’m just overreacting. I even went to therapy and learnt he’s enmeshed with his family. He treats me ok otherwise but when it concerns his family he doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead alone at home.

When I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later, he got overly nervous and sweaty and asked why was I doing this to him. I said I’m an immigrant and been in America well over a decade. Most important I’m his wife. Can’t he offer to spend time with me for the first hour of the uninterrupted long day he will have with his family? Does a regular normal man do this to their wife? He came to the parade anyway throwing tantrums and just with a terrible attitude.

We’re both in our mid 30s no kids. I went no contact with his family a year ago after repeated mistreatment for 5 years. I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later as they all celebrate all major holidays together and never cared enough to ask why I stopped going. Even worse they assumed I hate them all when in fact my husband knows the truth but denies any of it happened to me and thinks I’m just overreacting. I even went to therapy and learnt he’s enmeshed with his family. He treats me ok otherwise but when it concerns his family he doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead alone at home.

When I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later, he got overly nervous and sweaty and asked why was I doing this to him. I said I’m an immigrant and been in America well over a decade. Most important I’m his wife. Can’t he offer to spend time with me for the first hour of the uninterrupted long day he will have with his family? Does a regular normal man do this to their wife? He came to the parade anyway throwing tantrums and just with a terrible attitude and just didn’t want to be there with me. Why am I begging for his time when that’s a basic thing to give in a marriage?

We’re both in our mid 30s no kids. I went no contact with his family a year ago after repeated mistreatment for 5 years. I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later as they all celebrate all major holidays together and never cared enough to ask why I stopped going. Even worse they assumed I hate them all when in fact my husband knows the truth but denies any of it happened to me and thinks I’m just overreacting. I even went to therapy and learnt he’s enmeshed with his family. He treats me ok otherwise but when it concerns his family he doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead alone at home.

When I asked him if he could go to the parade with me and the dogs and then can join his family later, he got overly nervous and sweaty and asked why was I doing this to him. I said I’m an immigrant and been in America well over a decade. Most important I’m his wife. Can’t he offer to spend time with me for the first hour of the uninterrupted long day he will have with his family? Does a regular normal man do this to their wife? He came to the parade anyway throwing tantrums and just with a terrible attitude.

I’m no contact with my in laws but they keep sending me birthday greetings and special occasion texts. Do you guys text them for birthdays? Do you think it would create drama again if I stopped texting them birthday greetings?

I just need to know if I should have tried more to get along. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I am (F31) married to my husband (M30) 4 years ago and known each other for total 6 years.
Timeline:

**First meeting with MIL:** She acts sweet and nice and doesn’t ask many questions and just acts carefree.

**After 1.5 years**: She says that her son has changed completely when he excuses himself to the bathroom. FIL nods along. She asks if we have any traditions around Christmas because I live far away from my parents. I said they live in a different country and we have a different culture and religion. Then she boasts about her family traditions.

The brother and the sister don’t try and make an effort to get to know me. I tried to visit as much as possible to everything I was invited to and be amicable and try to get to know them but the brother is cold although his wife seemed jealous of me but regardless I try to be nice and kind.

In a different visit, she complains about the other daughter in law to me and DH.

**After our engagement (after 2 years):** He proposed me where my family lives. I don’t know why he chose to do that but that didn’t sit well with his family. When we flew back to see them after the proposal, the mom was complaining about how there would be no alcohol at the wedding if we get married, she has a phobia of flying and was worrying she couldn’t fly to our wedding (which we haven’t even decided yet where we would have the wedding), SIL was complaining about buying her family new “costumes” for the wedding. All of this in one meeting right after the proposal.

I thought it was rude and told my DH, he told them and they took it as “we should not ask them any questions about the wedding at all going forward”. You get it. Pretty much painting us as bad and acting like they are victims.

Nobody has asked anything about the wedding. When I brought it up it was all funny faces and as if they had an inner joke about it.

**3 months after engagement**: we host our housewarming. My brother who lives in the same country visits us but his wife couldn’t make it as she was traveling to the country her parents live. MIL when my husband steps away, meets my brother for the first time and she says, “thanks for coming, she doesn’t have a family nearby.” Then goes on to say that he’s tiny and I am tiny and that my entire family is tiny (we are Asians and husband’s side are caucasians). Later, she gifts my brother a picture frame of me, my brother and my husband that we three took when she wasn’t there the day before of housewarming.

I vent to my husband and he defended his mom, but finally asked her to apologize to me for calling me and my family tiny. She said, “I’m sorry that you misunderstood.”

She starts comparing and showing favoritism to other daughter-in-law from here on. At every visit, both mil and sil talks warmly to the other daughter in law and mil cooks special stuff for her but leaves me out because I’m a vegetarian.

On the day of wedding: It was at the Catholic Church, she wears white dress, SiL makes her daughter a flower girl even after my husband didn’t want flower girl or boys.
MIL rushes up to me instead of the bridesmaids and tells me that the photographer didn’t show up and if I booked one. I said yes maybe they are running late as I didn’t have my phone on me. My bridesmaid intervenes and shuts her out.

She acts cold and distant. In the pictures, she holds my husband’s hand with a death grip.

We visit our family for another wedding celebration and stays there for a couple weeks as they live on the other side of the globe and it takes 20 hours just in one way flights. After we come back and visit her, she complains that we went away for so long in front of everybody at the dinner. FIL says to me -enough of holidaying and to come back to reality. Then mil goes ahead and tells her other daughter in law that she is the best DIL she could ever have. My DH turns a blind eye to that and says I’m just overreacting.

I have tried to get along with my mil in the beginning before she body shamed me. But after that I lost interest to appease her.

Finally after 4 years of mistreatment, judgement, excluding me from their family conversations, and painting me as a bad person, I lost patience and self worth. I went to therapy to make sense of what was going on. Then, I finally went no contact.

I don’t know if 74 yo jnmil and her 82 yo husband are old enough to guilt trip my husband into spending more time with them instead of me (we’re in our early 30s). Husband feels extremely guilty to a point where he cries if he misses the opportunity to go to an event they host. They don’t want me there. If I go, they throw tantrums and exclude me out of conversations, show blatant favoritism towards other in laws. Single me out. Mil passes snarky comments about me when husband is not present. Teams up with elder son and his wife to mock at me and give me judgmental faces when I speak. They come across as a classic narcissistic family but I can’t prove. I don’t want to attend their events or spend time with them. Hubby can do whatever he wants but most holidays (long weekends) are gone just to spend time with them instead of me. We both work full time and barely get time to spend with each other. His parents are very healthy so I don’t want him to have guilt for skipping some long weekends to spend time with me and try having children instead or go on a vacation. I’m just so frustrated sitting alone at home by myself (my parents and family live 12 hours away)

I’m not talking about my husband. It’s about my mother’s side of the family. My father is an exception. But my brother and all other men don’t know how to cook, are lazy, and don’t even get water for themselves. My cousin (40) came from India 6 months ago alone to visit our home in Seattle and he needs to be spoon fed every thing. We are just a wife and husband (late 30s) at home working remote in high pressure setting. Husband luckily contributes equally in our chores. Cousin on the other hand needs everything spoon fed and he doesn’t even mind and asks me to make chai for him at odd times even though I’m working, make food, take water to him, he doesn’t even take the plate to the sink and leaves it on the table. Always hangs out in the living room and does not give us space. When I ask him if he can hangout somewhere else he says he came to spend time with me and hubby so he will hangout in the living room until he goes to bed at night. He disturbs us when watching TV. All of this is ok but spoon feeding is what driving me and hubby crazy. He shamelessly says that he doesn’t know how to serve food for himself. It’s not just him. I see so many men in India are like that and I just can’t unsee after personally experiencing it. The worst part is that our mothers and the wife of these men that encourage such behavior. My husband and I are going for a “work trip” next week and I am so glad that this will teach him a hard lesson and hopefully he will learn how to independently live. What will I do when we get back from our trip?

Edit: my husband is white American. He is just experiencing cultural shock. I’m trying to set boundaries but they get dismissed and I can’t get rid of my cousin. My family expects this from me that I take care of my siblings and cousins. They will do the same in the future for me. It’s getting too hard. Oh and he’s a free loader. He pays maybe once for a take out food.