'Recovery

How easy it is to blame our problems on others. “Look at what he’s doing.” . . . “Look how long I’ve waited.” . . . “Why doesn’t she call?” . . . “If only he’d change then I’d be happy.” . . .

Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people’s hands. We call this codependency.

The solution to our pain and frustration, however valid is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief; then we let go of the feelings and find peace – within ourselves. We know our happiness isn’t controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.

Then we decide that although we’d like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that’s better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.

Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That’s called recovery.

It’s easy to point our finger at another, but it’s more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.

Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.'

By Melodie Beattie

I am grateful that:

• I was able to clean the house and now my living space is so much nicer
• I could leave the house, go for a walk and get a nice treat
• I am safe and I feel relaxed
• I have been able to take it easy and rest
• I have food in the fridge and have been able to make a few delicious meals
• I can be me, it is now safe for me to just be me ❤️

'Getting Through the Discomfort

Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way. 
–Beyond Codependency

Our goal in recovery is to make us feel comfortable, peaceful, and content. Happy. We want to be at peace with our environment and ourselves. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.

I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I’m talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.
When we have surgery, the pain hurts most the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.

Sometimes the process hurts. We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.

Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, (...); be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by my friends, my Higher Power, the Universe, and myself.

I choose to be in places and situations and with people where I feel good about myself. I deserve to feel good and I trust that my heart will tell me where to go. –Ruth Fishel'

By Melodie Beattie

Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." BRB p. 250

As we read Step Ten, we see a way of staying current in our daily lives. When we take our daily inventory, we notice where we have succeeded as well as where we have fallen short or need to change. And when we are wrong, we have the courage to deal with it in real time. We no longer shrink from our reality. We embrace the recovery process.

We listen in meetings and talk with our sponsors about difficult things. We are opening up channels of communication with our Inner Child by educating our inner loving parent.

The changes we see are magnificent, and we pause to deeply breathe in the love we have surrounded ourselves with. We no longer choke ourselves with fear. We are not perfect and recognize that we are a work in progress. This admission creates a personal circle of compassion and gentleness that we need for our recovery.

We reach toward the sky like the beautiful seedlings that we are, stretching out towards the sun as we fulfill our destiny. We do not know exactly where we are going, but we know we need never be alone again. We look at our lives as symphonies that are always playing to us if we are willing to listen.

On this day I will hold the ship steady as I cruise along, regardless of what the sea looks like. When I make mistakes, I will remember that practicing the Tenth Step helps me feel free.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

'Not a Victim

You are not a victim.

How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.

Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!

Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn’t run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . .

You’ve got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we’ve had such hard times. . . .

Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . . .

I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.

Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.

Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.

We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.

We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.

We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.

Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!

And learn to enjoy what’s good.

Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what’s good and right in my life.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

Trait Eleven

"We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem." BRB p. 15

Many of us habitually experienced critical thoughts in our heads all our lives. If anyone suggested that we "think positive thoughts," we tried. Sometimes it made us feel better, but it didn't last. We still found ourselves getting stuck and believing the critical voice inside. We thought that something must be wrong with us, but we certainly didn't want others to know how bad we felt and how hard we were on ourselves.

When we came to ACA, we identified with Trait 11 right away. "Yes, I definitely judge myself harshly," we thought. "But you mean I'm not alone in this curse? You mean I don't have to be ashamed of this because thousands, if not millions of others do this, too?"

In this program we find hope. We learn there is a Solution: to become our own loving parent. We learn what being a loving parent means and begin to practice reparenting ourselves. And just as with all parenting skills, we know that it takes practice to get it right. But it can eventually become as natural as our harsh self-judgment once was.

On this day I will practice reparenting myself with gentleness and self-love. This includes forgiving myself if I slip and find myself being self-critical.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

'The Importance of Money

We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we’re seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability.

Money is important. We deserve to be paid what we’re worth. We will be paid what we’re worth when we believe we deserve to be. But often your plans fail when our primary consideration is money.

What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money.

Consider the financial aspects. Set boundaries about what you need to be paid. Be reasonable. Expect to start at the bottom, and work up. But if you feel led toward a job, go for it.

Is there something we truly don’t want to do, something that goes against our grain, but we are trying to force ourselves into it “for the money?” Usually, that’s a behavior that backfires. It doesn’t work. We make ourselves miserable, and the money usually goes wrong too.

I have learned that when I am true to myself about work and what I need to be doing, the money will follow. Sometimes it’s not as much as I want; sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised, and it’s more. But I’m content, and I have enough.

Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mind.

Today, I will make money a consideration, but I will not allow it to become my primary consideration. (...), help me be true to myself and trust that the money will follow.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

'Trusting Ourselves

Many of us believed that heeding the words of (...) or our Higher Power meant following rigid rules, an instruction booklet for life.

Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words our Higher Power whispers.

The words of (...) are often those still, small words we call intuition or instinct, leading and guiding us forward.

We are free to be whom we are, to listen to and trust ourselves. We are free to listen to the gentle, loving words of a Higher Power, words whispered to and through each of us.

Today, help me, (...); to let go of shame based rigid rules. I will choose the freedom of loving, listening, and trusting.'

By Melodie Beattie

Step One

"We run about attempting to control others and situations in an effort to avoid our own unmanageable lives." BRB p. 104

The need to try to control the people and things around us can be so strong. We may have this idea in our minds about how things "should" be. If only life were a certain way, we could feel good about ourselves. So we feel compelled to make the "should" a reality.

We push and prod and manipulate to try to get others to do what we want, completely missing the fact that we have to clean up our own house first. In the meantime, the harder we push, the crazier we feel because others never quite measure up to our ideals.

Step One tells us that control over others is a myth. Even though some things may change as a result of our efforts, we leave a lot of wreckage in our wake. Until we realize our powerlessness, until we realize the only ones we can truly change are ourselves, we will continue on a downward spiral, often driving the ones we care about from our lives, whether that happens emotionally, physically or both. It's a paradox of this program that only by admitting our powerlessness can we gain true manageability in our lives.

On this day I will remember to focus on myself and the changes I can make in my own life. I let others be so they can find their own path, even if it isn't the one I would choose for them.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

'The Good Feelings.

Let yourself feel the good feelings too.

Yes, sometimes, good feelings can be as distracting as the painful, more difficult ones. Yes, good feelings can be anxiety producing to those of us unaccustomed to them. But go ahead and feel the good feelings anyway.

Feel and accept the joy. The love. The warmth. The excitement. The pleasure. The satisfaction. The elation. The tenderness. The comfort.

Let yourself feel the victory, the delight.

Let yourself feel respected, important, and special.

These are only feelings, but they feel good. They are full of positive, upbeat energy – and we deserve to feel that when it comes our way.

We don’t have to repress. We don’t have to talk ourselves out of feeling good – not for a moment.

If we feel it, it’s ours for the moment. Own it. If it’s good, enjoy it.

Today, (...), help me be open to the joy and good feelings available to me.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.

Unexpressed Grief

"Every adult child has unexpressed grief, which is usually represented by the symptoms of depression, lethargy, or forms of dissociation." BRB p. 199

We pretended for years that we were responsible for our own depression. We took drugs and acted out to combat the feelings that came up. We hung out with others who minimized and wallowed in pity and inaction. When the topic of sexual abuse or child abuse came up, we floated around the room, sometimes forgetting what other people were saying entirely. When we saw violence in a movie or on TV, we may have felt uncomfortable, but we ignored it.

Because we're the lucky ones who have found ACA, we are now seeing that there's a better way to live. When we go to meetings, we find people who speak their truth openly. We listen as those who came before us and after us spill the beans about their real thoughts. They talk about what they're doing to uncover the grief that underlies their depression and other symptoms that are a result of their childhoods. Through their examples, we learn to speak the language of the heart ourselves and we heal.

On this day I will go to a meeting to listen to the healing that's in evidence. If a meeting is not available, either in person or by phone, I will make contact with a fellow traveler so I can hear healing words.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Sexual Abuse

"If you were touched, fondled, forced to perform sex acts, asked to perform sex acts, or watch sex acts as a child, it was not your fault no matter what the circumstance or no matter what was said by the adult or teen abusing you." BRB p. 174

Many of us came from sexually charged homes. We became part of our parents' sex life if they had sex in front of us. We may have been forced to listen to them talk about sex at the dinner table like it was no big deal. We might have been made a part of their extra-marital affairs when they fought about it in front of us and talked about it behind each other's backs.

We may have felt responsible for all of this. Our youth and sexuality were stolen from us because we couldn't protect ourselves. Their words became ingrained in us before we knew we were hurt. We may have acted out with other children to try and make sense of what we had heard, felt, and been exposed to. But then shame set in. Even so, it was hard to stop ourselves from sometimes being excited by the attention. We knew intuitively that this was a way we could get love, even though it felt bad.

Through ACA, we learn that no matter what happened to us, we know today that we are not alone, and that we aren't to blame.

On this day I will acknowledge my intense feelings that are tied up with any sexual abuse I experienced. I will stop myself from taking responsibility for what was done to me.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

'Apologies.

Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That’s human. That’s why we have the words: “I’m sorry.” They heal and bridge the gap. But we don’t have to say, “I’m sorry” if we didn’t do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, every word we say, for being alive and being who we are.

We don’t have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, seeking boundaries, having fun, or getting healthy.

We never have to change our course, if it is in our best interest, but sometimes a general apology acknowledges other feelings and can be useful when the issues of a circumstance or relationship are not clear. We might say: “I’m sorry for the fuss we had. I’m sorry if what I needed to do to take care of myself hurt you; it was not intended that way.”

Once we make an apology, we don’t have to keep repeating it. If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person’s issue, and we don’t have to get hooked.

We can learn to take our apologies seriously and not hand them out when they’re not valid. When we feel good about ourselves, we know when it’s time to say we’re sorry and when it’s not.

Today, I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my actions and nobody else’s. (...), help me figure out what I need to apologise for and what is not my responsibility.'

By Melanie Beattie

'Letting the Good Stuff Happen

Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn’t do very well on my job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect!

—Anonymous

I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes, I’m afraid it won’t be. Sometimes, I’m frightened it might be.

The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be frightening. In some ways, good changes can be more frightening than the hard times.

The past, particularly before recovery, may have become comfortably familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern – the same behaviors, the same pain, over and over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen.

This is not so when we change patterns and begins recovering.

We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We’d be deprived.

Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometimes a little better, but the change wasn’t drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery.

Then things changed. And the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and or circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory.

Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates.

We no longer want to be a victim of life. We’ve learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma.

Life gets good.

“How do I handle the good stuff?” asked one woman. It’s harder and more foreign than the pain and tragedy.”

“The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences,” I replied. “One day at a time.”

Today, (...), help me let go of my need to be in pain and crisis. Help me move as swiftly as possible through sad feelings and problems. Help me find my base and balance in peace, joy, and gratitude. Help me work as hard at accepting what’s good, as I have worked in the past at accepting the painful and the difficult.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melanie Beattie

I have added a new tool to my CPTSD recovery toolkit.

I am a big fan of massages. I have tried different types of massage, and in the past I preferred Thai massage. However, at some point, I had to accept that I found it too stressful and did not feel safe during sessions because I never knew how intense the massage was going to be. I kept trying new places until I finally acknowledged and listened to the resistance I felt in my body.

So I moved on to something different. I tried shiatsu, but that was too gentle for me, and the location was not easily accessible at the time. Then, for a while, I had a really good masseuse who performed massages designed to calm the nervous system. While that worked well and I could really feel the difference, the effects were only temporary, even though I attended regularly - every two weeks, or even every week at times. I could arrive at a session feeling stressed or dysregulated and feel so much better afterwards, but the change never lasted.

I then remembered shiatsu, and it turned out that I could access it locally. I have only had a couple of sessions, but I can already see how right it is for me at present. I am now in a place where I can truly receive it, and it feels so healing.

The therapist is lovely, attentive, very caring, and trauma-informed. I can feel how each treatment is tailored to me, which feels so supportive. I experience plenty of gentle releases during each session, and I feel an amazing sense of calm afterwards. The therapist also gives me tips about what I can do to self-regulate between sessions.

I feel seen and attuned to. I have stopped going anywhere else and will make this a regular appointment. I am looking forward to seeing where this journey will take me ❤️

'Revenge

No matter how long we’ve been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.

We want revenge.

We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.

Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it’s not our job to deal justice.

We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings – the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.

We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.

Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.

Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness – not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness – forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.'

By Melodie Beattie.

'Healing.

We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity… We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.

—Joshua Loth Liebman

Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process – a journey rather than a destination.

Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things – as well as us – get better.

We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.

Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.'

By Melodie Beattie

'Healing.

We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity… We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.

—Joshua Loth Liebman

Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process – a journey rather than a destination.

Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things – as well as us – get better.

We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.

Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.'

By Melodie Beattie

Workplace ‘Family’

"It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker's physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather." BRB p. 425

Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.

But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.

If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.

On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Workplace ‘Family’

"It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker's physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather." BRB p. 425

Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.

But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.

If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.

On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/