I don't know how to cope with my current situation
Hello, how are you? I'm a 23-year-old man, and honestly, these last two years I've been involved in countless situations that have led me to need psychological help at my university (I'm a fourth-year veterinary student). To give you some context, I'm quite shy and not very extroverted, and due to situations of sexual harassment I experienced as a child from female teachers, I have a very negative self-image, especially regarding my physical appearance. I wouldn't say I'm an Adonis, not at all, but I have many physical features that are considered attractive by mainstream standards, such as my height, my body shape, and my facial features, which, for a man, are not at all harsh.
Everything mentioned above was already my way of thinking before I started university, but things got worse when I entered my second year. I met a girl who was quite close to me. As you can imagine, being someone with zero experience in emotional matters, I thought that what I was going to have with this girl would be my first romantic relationship, which wasn't the case, and I had good reason to think so since she treated me with so much affection. My situation worsened when a kitten arrived at my house, swept away by a storm. I rescued her from where she was, but I admit that at that moment I didn't know what was best for the kitten. Since this girl I was seeing knew more about feline medicine (because she was from the same university, only in her fourth year), and she kept telling me she knew a lot about it, I took her as a strong source of information. The thing is, some time later we ended the almost-something we were having, and I was going to take care of the kitten. My idea was to care for her until she was healthier so I could find her a permanent home. However, due to an unexpected turn of events, my father got kidney disease, and being the eldest son, I had to take care of the house, the expenses, and pay the rent for my sisters who were studying far away. It was a difficult and horrible time that I don't like to talk about much, and to be honest, the money wasn't stretching far enough. It got to the point where it was either giving the money to the kitten for her recovery or to my dad (it's worth noting that I live in a very rural area; I asked for help with the kitten's care, and no one supported me). So much so that I wrote to this girl again to ask if she could take the kitten or if, through her rescue website, I could find someone to foster her. In short, she accepted me reluctantly and very badly. The impact was so great that from that day on, she dedicated herself to badmouthing me in the library and even went so far as to publicly shame me for abandonment, which wasn't true. She even claimed I threatened her, which never happened. I was simply clear about my current situation, and seeing that this girl only wanted conflict, I ignored her to avoid making things worse.
I was in a terrible state during that time because I also had feelings for her, but I felt that, professionally, I was going to be a burden.
In 2025, I met a girl and started my first romantic relationship. Since it was my first relationship, it was full of bumps and small problems, but I managed it well. There was definitely chemistry, and a very important aspect was that I didn't feel insecure about my body. I felt that for the first time in my life I could be myself and feel comfortable. But that fantasy came crashing down when, on my one-month anniversary, she asked me for explanations about the public shaming (I was aware that I had to tell her, however, and it seems paradoxical, I wanted to set a date to tell her, but the opportunity didn't arise). I told her the truth (I always told her), but we agreed on a timeframe where she very clearly demanded that I give this girl money, no matter what, to repair the damage I had done in the past. I agreed (although it didn't seem right to me; the girl who publicly shamed me launched a harassment campaign against me during tests and/or exams at the university). The next day I asked her what I considered my ultimatum: "Do you trust me?" (This is because I build all my relationships, whether friendships or romantic partnerships, on trust, and that's paramount for me.) She didn't give me a clear answer; it wasn't a yes or a no, and that, to me, was a sign that it was over. (This, coupled with the fact that when she asked for explanations, she said that if it weren't for her friends, she would have dumped me and wouldn't have even given me a chance to explain.) Since she had previously intended to break up with me over the phone but didn't, I went and did it. I didn't feel good about what I did, but with the burning pain of a love that burns, I reluctantly made the decision.
I arrived home in tears because I couldn't understand why she couldn't put herself in my shoes, why she didn't make the decisions I made because she truly wanted to. But time had something worse in store for me. She dedicated herself to exposing me on social media, talking about my body, laughing at me, at my penis, and labeling me as worthless. That hurt me deeply, and I think that perhaps something changed in my brain chemistry from that day on. Not content with that, the following week she began publicly exposing all this information to me in the university's own laboratories, so I filed a complaint against her for harassment.
Yesterday I received the outcome of the complaint, which resulted in nothing. No disciplinary action will be taken because she categorically denied (despite the evidence) all the allegations. I was furious, but it also makes me feel somewhat useless. If the outcome is never going to change, complaining and taking action is a pointless decision, so I'm closing the case.
Since that day, I've felt strange. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere, like I don't fit in. What I am grateful for is that I've had some really good friends. However, one of them behaved very badly. Basically, we always had a code of not being friends with an ex who hurt you, but she didn't respect it. So, I decided to cut ties with her. But when my ex gave me his statement, this friend was mentioned as the one who was giving her information about me (I forgot to mention that the first girl who exposed me went directly to talk to my ex to explain the situation). That betrayal has been one of the biggest I've ever experienced.
I've been in therapy lately to try to stabilize myself, although I won't lie, I only experienced anxiety when I was 23. These days, I find it really hard to befriend a girl. To some extent, I've developed a fear/aversion to meeting new people and perhaps to opening up emotionally and sexually. In a way, I don't want to be touched again, and it disgusts me to a degree. I feel that if I can't trust someone again, it's better not to start a relationship, because I feel like it will just become an endless cycle. I don't want to suffer again and feel as exposed as I did then. Metaphorically, I feel like I've been skinned alive and left like that in the street.
Ironically, what has brought me some joy is that, by a twist of fate, the psychologist who's treating me also treated the girl who publicly shamed me. She told me, very informally due to the nature of my case, that this girl had many associated psychological problems, so much so that this psychologist decided to refer her to a private therapist.
Now I ask you, do you have any advice for me? Or any words of encouragement?