u/SilentLoyality

You know, it’s really strange.

I never believed in gods or magic.

I value math, evidence, the scientific method, that sort of thing.

Yet, ever so faintly, in a hidden corner of my mind, there’s that itch.

I used to dislike the concept of ‘intuition’. I had already moved beyond that dislike when we met—indeed, I had changed my perspective on it a couple of years earlier.

I thought I understood more of it then.

But then, what is that itch?

It is not what I understood. It seems to be more than that.

Something in me knows you and believes in you more than I have ever believed in anything.

It feels like sensing something that has always been true.

I believe in you.

That is probably why I can’t stop hoping.

It isn’t hope.

It’s knowing.

"And he would have had similar excuses for every other quick path he considered. Somehow it was never the right time to bring my plans to their final phase, there was always one more thing to do first."

~ a quote from my favorite very imperfect fanfiction, absolutely taken out of context, yet widely applicable for some of us, overthinkers.

Sometimes I wonder, or rather hope, that is why you don't speak to me.

It would still be an absolute fallacy and still suck, but at least it would mean that it was all an act of "IDIOCY" with care instead of not you not caring, not wanting me around.

I still dream of a reality that let's me be close to you. I find that reality to be the only one worth to remain a part of.

I wish someone
would want to understand me.

I want to understand,
after all.

I wish someone
would care for my perspective.

I care,
after all.

I wish I could matter to someone
the way I let people matter to me.

I know I am asking too much
of people who have been hurt,
just like everyone has been hurt,
in so many different ways.

I know they learn to protect themselves.
To look away.
To care only as far
as it does not cost too much.

I understand.

After all.

I understand
why nobody understands me.

I care
why nobody cares to see.

I make room
for all the reasons.
There is no room for me.

I feel so isolated.

I am so isolated.

I'm 6 chapters in, and finding myself

1.) deeply disturbed,

2.) getting, partly, exactly what I came for,

3.) and, partly, not getting what I'm still missing at all.

1.) ~ Needs no explanation, I think.

2.) ~ One thing I have been looking for is exactly what I was lacking: stories of what it is like to be unaware, or so ignorant that one might as well be unaware, of the suffering dealt to non-human animals by humanity.

Ed shows integrity, though, that simply seems not to be present or strong enough in most people. So I am uncertain, at least for now, how much this will actually help with my goal of better understanding people and becoming better at advocating myself when I do.

3.) ~ There's a deeper problem that I came for. So far, this book has mostly addressed the very unaware. Sure, that is the majority of society as a whole.

However, I move through spaces and am surrounded by people who are very far on the left of the political spectrum. Most people around me would describe themselves as anarchists.

Yet, as soon as it comes to non-human animals, any pretense of being against domination, for at least 75% of people I'd say, just does not hold up.

The arguments I encounter in these spaces are different. I don't think they are better. But they are different.

Of course they are, in a crowd that contains so many people who have made it part of their identity to have "seen through" capitalism, domination and so forth. At least up to where I've gotten, the sort of "arguments" minds like these come up with against veganism have not really been addressed, and those missing parts frustrate me.

Has anyone here read the book? Are there parts where these things are addressed, parts where minds that function like this are explained?

If not, does someone have a recommendation for my next book, perhaps?

and I still do.

If you wanted to become the villain of my story, I have to disappoint you. You can't be, because I love you, and that is not going away.

I wish I was strong. I'm not strong, I'm a pathetic and miserable person and I don't understand why you couldn't be honest with me.

I spend so much time pondering on all the possibilities, all the possible reasons why you said what you said and still ghosted me, after everything.

It shouldn't matter. It all amounts to the same outcome: you don't care enough to even give an update.

It's cruel. You're cruel. Would it be that hard to say "I changed my mind, I don't want to talk to you at all"?

And if you still meant to, would it have been so hard to give a follow up, telling me that, maybe giving at least ANY explanation?

You knew, you KNOW about my feelings, and about how deep they run too. You do not need to have read my unsent words to know, because I've more than made that clear in the offline world.

But you don't have the decency to not leave me in the dark.

I'll probably never even get a good bye.

You're either choosing that or have not even given it a thought.

I don't even know which option I think is worse.

Hey.

Today, I'm writing to get out of that spiral at which's end "Thus, I'll just choose to die." is waiting for me.

You're aware of how I feel about you.

I understand that I do not know and can not know the reason for why you did what you did and don't do what you don't do.

What I do know is that you could have chosen to tell me and that you didn't. Even though you know what that has been doing to me, your choice has been not to tell me. Your choice has been to leave me guessing and to keep up ambiguity.

That's what it is.

It is your choice.

No matter how much I make up excuses for it, this part is your active choice. Your passivity in having a conversation with me is your choice. Nobody has ever forced your hand on it. It's you, your free will.

You may have made up amazing reasoning for this for yourself. Or you might have given it zero thought. How ever would I know, after all your choice is not to be open with me about it.

I should be angry. I should stop caring. I should accept it and move on. You're an asshole. That's all the advice I have been and am given on the topic.

But I can not deal with what is not the truth. And none of it feels true.

So I suffer and I keep on suffering. And I guess that is my 'choice'. I can’t move on from unspoken truth and I will never be able to either. Not with you, not with this.

I'm not angry, I don't resent you. All I have for you, still, is love.

But I can not deny that your choice and your free will as you choose to exercise it is my torment. Even while that is probably not your goal but instead a side effect, the impact on me stays the same.

And I really think you should have done better.

I still think you are better than that.

I still think you should do better.

There is my world.

There is yours.

Not demanding you leave yours,

nor asking you into mine.

But I wonder:

could we build one together?

Hey.

I'm writing today, because I thought I'd like to tell you something about me.

I have aphantasia. In my case, that means I do not and can not see things in my mind. There's nothing, nothing to see. It's why I kept a picture of you, too.

It's not like that for all senses. I can hear music and voices in my mind, very very clearly. Sense of touch works too, but limited. Abstracts work even better than sound does. Some other senses don't at all.

The visual nothingness is what I lesrned about myself first. That was only about 4 years ago though.

When I learned that certain phrases are literal and that people ACTUALLY see images in their head, I was sooo jealous. It felt like a super power to me.

I have since worked through the emotions that came with the realization, but back then it felt devastating.

My sense of vision, even outside of my mind, seems to just suck in general. That's okay, I'm used to how it is, it's always been like this. It might explain why visuals, appearance, never mattered to me very much.

When I fell for you though, you became my favorite image. It's because it's you!

I wish I could see your face when I close my eyes.

But hearing the sound of you is what I get.

I have to make do with it.

When you’re passionate about something, when you smile honestly, with that kind of open delight, the effect it has on me is almost impossible to put into words.

The last day we saw each other wasn’t like that very much. Not for me, either. I was stressed, anxious, terrified. The whole situation, everything surrounding it, made that day feel miserable.

There are so many moments between us that I know I’ll always remember. They feel burned into my memory. I don’t know how you remember things, or which moments—if any—you kept. I don’t even know whether your mind holds onto things in the same way mine does.

Maybe it’s selfish, but I really hope that the person I was that day isn’t the version of me you remember most. And I don’t want that day to become the way I remember you, either.

I don’t want it to be the last time we ever see each other. Not only because I want you to be part of my life, though I do. I also don’t want the last image we have of one another to be shaped by fear, tension, and everything we couldn’t say.

Hey...

How well do you understand me?

Do you understand how I'm feeling?

Do you understand how these last two years affected me?

Do you understand what I feel for you?

Do you understand my fears?

Do you understand what I need?

I know what I need. Communication, that's the base line. If I'd get that, anything else would be manageable.

But you don't do that.

Sometimes I spend too much time wondering why.

Do you not know what you want?

Do you not trust yourself?

Are you scared?

Do you not trust me?

Or am I just not worth the effort?