u/SilentLoyality

Hey again.

Sorry. I can’t help saying it again.

I love you. So much.

Once upon a time, the most emotionally exhausting… let’s call it “meeting” of my last two years happened. You know the one. The one where, for reasons we do not need to unpack here, you asked me to repeat what I had told you one-on-one in front of your team.

You knew, I think, how frightening that would be for me.

But: you were there beside me through the whole thing. Close. Present. Steady. And hell, I needed you there.

You are the person whose presence, to me, makes unbearable things feel possible.

Without you, I could not have done it.

After three weeks of burying myself in work, partly to distract myself from the ache of not having you beside me right now, I’m finally taking a break for a day or two. Of course, the thing I was distracting myself from is now right there again, all over my mind.

Anyway.

The next milestone coming up is a kind of finish line for me. It means I’ll have to speak again, in another “meeting”, and I already know I’ll be anxious as hell.

And I wish you"d be with me for that one.

Sit close again.

Because you, there beside me, make anything feel manageable.

Hey love.

Today, a tiny spiral of thoughts kept returning to me. So here I am, sharing it with you.

You’ve known me for a while now. You’ve seen me flustered. You’ve seen me uncertain. You’ve seen me stressed. You’ve seen me so utterly distracted that I lost any anchoring to that silly shared structure we were living in at the time.

You’ve seen me hurt. You’ve seen me run and hide from what was hurting me. You’ve seen me absolutely unable to shut the fuck up. Unable to cope with things that sometimes seem to come so naturally and easily to you.

You’ve seen me be very human in several inconvenient directions at once. You’ve seen me cope through silly indulgence. You’ve seen me make bad decisions, and drag some of them out far too long. You’ve also seen me be incapable of not being too frank, too direct, too honest, in particular whenever it's with you.

You have dealt with me in some of my near-most intense moments. One on one, and more than once.

And yet, you did not run off.

Quite the opposite, even. More than once, all that intensity seemed to make you lean in more.

You see, I am in a state of disbelief here. A state of: what on earth did I do for this wonderful, impossible, amazing mind that you are to seemingly actually like me?

Over the last two years, I have questioned my own sanity.
Heavily.
Repeatedly.
With dedication, even.

And today, in that tiny little spiral, with you having met so many unedited versions of me and somehow not mistaking it for all I am...

....I found myself lovingly questioning yours.

Hey love,

You know, I’ve spent the entire last seven days working on that damn project.

I didn’t really take a break. Wake up, start working, push bedtime further and further so I can keep going, sleep, repeat. I had some fun, sure. Learned a thing or two. Felt productive. Got frustrated. Felt my body very clearly requesting that I take a damn break. I’ve been getting irritated too, which is usually the sign that I’ve pushed it too far.

And then today, I talked about the project with my supervisor, and what does he say?

That I should please take a break. Have a nice weekend. Rest.

But I can’t take a break.

Is that because the project is so important?

No. Not really. It has some meaning attached to it, sure, but I’m not short on time. I’m not behind. Quite the opposite.

The problem, love, is something else.

When I visited that office place today, you were near. And that alone was enough to distract me so completely that I seemed to lose half my ability to speak, and almost all of my ability to speak coherently.

Damn.

All I wanted, with a door and glass walls still between us, was to ignore everything else, run up to you, hug you, and never let go.

I wouldn’t, of course. I don’t want to invade your space. I don’t want to demand more than you want to give. But the feeling is there, and it is not exactly subtle.

You are kryptonite to my attention.

The one I am helplessly drawn to.

My source of gravity.

You are the reason I keep losing my train of thought. Not always a bad thing, by any means. But certainly very, very visible.

And that is why I cannot take a break.

Because whenever I do, thoughts and dreams of you come crashing in and flooding my mind like a damn tsunami.

I want every second I can get with you. I always have. And at the same time, no number of seconds ever feels like enough.

I want to exist near you.

Share your world. Share your days.

But damn, I do not want to invade.

I just really fucking miss you.

Again.

Already.

Maybe you don’t want to hear it again. Maybe it is too much. But I still want to say it honestly, because it is true:

I love you.

And that's why I'll have to get back to work now.

I can not take a break.

fox = "🦊"

array = ["moss", "wonder", "soft paws", "home"]

for step in range(1, len(array) + 1):
    index = step - 1  # lost by one, found by wonder
    print(f"{fox} {step} → array[{index}] → {array[index]}")

# My tiny index fox.
print("Good thing I asked.")