u/Small_Permission8132

Hey, so I (19 MtF, Gen 6 urgent-processing applicant) have been really worried recently about this Hantavirus stuff. I've put so much effort on the hope that maybe this'll work out and I'll be lucky enough to escape what is coming for the trans community in America. Seeing how this stuff has gone historically and the years-long escalation campaign against trans Americans, I don't expect to have much longer left should I be trapped in the United States. The rest of the world is not gonna open up refugee options for trans people, and I am basically SOL on all the other immigration pathways. C-3 was basically my only chance to get out, and I don't want it to be ripped out of my hands. I'm really scared that Canada is gonna close the border to the USA while I'm still stuck here and leave me to my fate. Sorry if this is rambling a bit, but I'm just worried.

Hey, so I (19 MtF) don't know if this is a rule-break (doesn't look like it from what I saw), but I just need to talk and get some stuff off my chest. I'm wondering if anyone else has some experience and can help me with working through all this stuff that's gone on. It doesn't feel like anyone else truly understands me, and I guess this is a last-ditch attempt.

I was born in SW Idaho to a Mormon mother and a non-Mormon father, and they raised me in the Church. Granted, my dad was always gone when I was little because he was a truck driver, so it figures that my mom would've been the one to influence me religiously. He was rendered disabled in a truck-on-truck accident in late 2012, losing most use of one arm and sustaining a brain injury. He converted to the Mormon Church shortly thereafter and became much worse to me. I got my ass beat my fair share of times and was frequently yelled at and insulted because I couldn't keep up with all his housework and projects. Whenever I would try to say how I felt, I would get derided for bringing the "spirit of contention" into the home and things would get worse, so I learned to stop talking in general. On the outside, we looked like a convert success story and a message about how The Gospel helps people tremendously, but on the inside, we were a wreck. Couple this with bullying from school due to potential undiagnosed neurodiversity and obesity, and I was already kinda set up for failure.

Then I turned 8, and lo and behold, came the baptism. Sure, it was a right of passage growing up, but it also meant that I could go to Hell for just about any one of a various number of wrongdoings that I did or maybe some that I didn't even remember. I couldn't trust my memory because what if I did something bad and forgot to repent for it? The Mormon Church also has so many mundane rules that it's hard to keep them all straight. Crossing over to that side fucked my mental health even more. As far as I am aware of, this is the age that my suicidal ideation set in. At the very least, this is the age when I first told my mom that I wanted to die. She took it about as well as any mother who heard their 8-year-old tell them that they wanted to commit suicide (even if I didn't have the words for it), and she told me that it was a sin. For a few years, that worked. After all, if death wouldn't even bring relief for me, what good is ending my life?

Then, in 2018 or 2019 (shortly before my shelf broke), I noticed on the LDS Church's website that there was a video from one of the apostles stating that suicide was, in fact, not a sin. Now, I can't remember the exact video or if it's even still available, but this took that mental block preventing me from actively considering suicide off. Shortly thereafter, I learned about the many lies and crimes of the LDS Church and stopped believing entirely. Luckily, my parents didn't try to force me back to the Church, and eventually, they would become inactive themselves. (The guy who fired my mom during the pandemic for reporting that the women's bathroom didn't have hot water and who told her to her face that she could "be where she belonged" became the bishop of our ward.)

Still, realizing that the Church wasn't true didn't bring me relief. I didn't have any friends (especially during the 2020 pandemic), and I became more and more obsessed with my school work. I just wanted to be able to get out of Idaho and that household as well as to be the "good, straight A student" that I always had been. I didn't fit into the groups of the Christians or the Mormons in my school, and in fact, I had a bit of a Reddit Atheist phase during the pandemic. (I've mellowed out a bit since then, but part of it was being 13, realizing my life was a lie, and having nobody to turn to.) I only dug in deeper when I realized I was trans back in late 2022, and by senior year, I kinda lost myself in my school work and my expectations. I spent years only living because I didn't want to upset my cat, didn't want to upset my mom, and didn't want to let the politicians and the Church "win."

Given the political state of the country, the fact I'm trans, and my LDS upbringing, and I have been even more suicidal since then. The people at my college only found my Mormon roots as an interesting trivia bit, not as a legitimate source of trauma that still fucks me up to this day. I just grew up too far outside the elite California bubble for the other kids there, and I was once again isolated. Once I realized "Why should I suffer just so that others don't have to," it was game over. I attempted once last May, planned in August and September, and attempted again this last March.

I'm on medical leave, I've done TMS, I'm on meds, I'm doing therapy, and nothing helps.

I'm just so lost these days. I was mentally able to deconstruct from the Church, it seems, but not emotionally. Emotionally, I'm still just a scared little Mormon boy, except now, I'm on estrogen that's powerful enough to actually make me feel everything. I have a diagnosed trauma disorder (I meet most criteria for PTSD, but I do not have a "qualifying event" as the cause of that trauma or night terrors [nevermind the fact that I've needed medication to be able to calm my mind enough so that I could sleep for years]), as well as severe Major Depressive Disorder.

People also just don't seem to give a shit enough to do anything. I've always struggled to connect with people (I do suspect that I could be on the spectrum, but I haven't been tested), and when I do connect to people, it feels like they just don't care. I get the same spiel about how you need to go to therapy, and when I tell them I have and it doesn't help, they don't have anything else to give me. The hotlines are all the same song and dance routine over and over again. Nobody actually understands, nobody actually cares. They just want to feel like they're helping for their own egos, rather than taking the time to listen and learn what actually helps. That's just how humanity is, it seems. I don't know about you, but I personally would like someone to give a shit about me before my funeral.

Anyways, sorry for the rant. If someone's got advice for me or can relate, please put it in the comments below. I just needed to talk and to see if anyone can help me learn how to move on from everything the Church did.

TL;DR: I (19MtF) grew up in a rough Mormon household, left years ago, and my suicidal thoughts have only gotten worse as I've gone along due to the weight of everything I went through.

I'm looking to see if there's any good Canadian history documentaries/documentary miniseries that I can watch in my spare time. I've got my AOR in hand, but I am waiting on my citizenship application to actually process. I figured that this is one of the few things I can do in the meantime. Any documentary recommendations?