u/Soggymeat101

Soo my periods come like very late to the point where it’ll just skip months entirely. Very rarely is it actually on schedule. Is this concerning or is it fine? I’m 16….

I think I'm still trying to understand how I feel about the church and about growing up Mormon. I'm still a minor, and I live in a very small town where almost everyone I know is Mormon. I assume everyone I meet is Mormon because that's the case 90% of the time. I started having doubts maybe 2 years ago. Now, I don’t believe in the church anymore. I’ve only told one of my close friends (only because they also have doubts). I haven’t told my family because I’m still financially dependent on them, and telling them would harm my relationship with them.. So I'm kind of stuck in this position where I don't believe anymore, but I'm still surrounded by it every single day.  

Growing up,  I genuinely didn’t even know that other people in the world weren’t Mormon. Or that there were other ways to live. I thought that this is just the way things are. I thought everyone was expected to follow the commandments, go to church every Sunday, participate in youth activities, serve a mission, and eventually get married and have children. I didn’t question any of it, but why would I? It was literally all I ever knew.  The rest of the world was unknown to me... I didn't know that I had been given one specific version of what life was supposed to look like.

Now that I’m a little older, I realize just how much my life has been shaped by all this pressure of things I didn't even choose to begin with. The pressure of being obedient and following the prophet without questioning because it’s God's will.  “doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith” I've been taught that if I reject what I've been taught after knowing the truth, there are eternal consequences. That if I don't follow the right path, I might not get to be with my family forever. So even though I don't believe those things anymore, I think some of that fear still exists somewhere inside me. It's hard to spend your entire childhood being told that leaving is one of the worst things you could possibly do and then suddenly realize that leaving might actually be what you need to do.

I feel alone. I think I feel isolated in a way that's hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it. When I hear other people talk about growing up or their high school experiences, sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on something. Not necessarily because I think everyone else has had a perfect childhood, but because I feel like I grew up in such a specific environment that I didn't even realize how different my life was until recently. There are things other people seem to have been able to explore naturally like such different lifestyles and ways of thinking about relationships and the future… and I wasn't even aware a lot of those things even existed. And now I'm realizing all of this while I'm still living in the same place where I learned the old way of thinking.

I sometimes catch myself thinking or dreaming of the life I could’ve had. It hurts.That everything I’ve ever known feels like a lie now. I feel betrayed now that I know more about the church. Every answer I thought I had about the world and life… I now don’t believe. 

I want to decide what kind of life I want. I don't want to make those decisions because I'm scared of going to hell. I don't want to make them because I'm scared that if I live the life I choose, I'll lose everyone I've ever loved. I want to make those decisions because they're actually what I want. But I don't even feel like I can tell anyone how I really feel without risking my relationships with them. I can't tell my family. I can't tell most of my friends. I can't just be honest about who I am because I don't know what would happen if I did. 

 I just want to leave. I want to get out of here so badly. not just because I hate the town, but because I want to be somewhere where I can just exist without feeling like an outsider. Somewhere where I can meet people with different backgrounds and not feel guilty for believing different things. I just want to be somewhere where I can finally figure out who I am without constantly comparing myself to what I’ve been told I should be.  I want to go somewhere I feel I belong. I wish I wasn’t born a Mormon. I wish I could choose my life instead of inheriting it. I want to make friends who actually understand me. I want to see what the world is like outside of the tiny bubble I grew up in. I want to know what it feels like to belong somewhere. 

I just wish I had the chance to figure out how I want to live and what I want to believe without having the answer decided for me. 

born and raised in Idaho, and I’ve always wanted to leave.

Things I like about Idaho: it’s safe, it has really good outdoorsy opportunities, I love the cold winters and snow especially for skiing. And it’s not humid.

Things I hate: everything else. The community is nice, but it’s very church-focused. In the area I live in it’s full of highly religious copy and pasted people. I don’t fit in at all. It’s also bland and hard to find anything to do.

I dont have too many requirements, but I want to move somewhere that is colder and gets snow. I’d have to rent a studio apartment that shouldn’t be TOO expensive. Living in a city with good public transportation would be nice, but not necessary. I’d want to be able to not have to drive too far to reach mountains. Any help?

Edit: I’m not too big on “has to be diverse” I just don’t want 95% of the community to be super religious like the area I’m in now is. My budget for rent is maybe no more than $1,500. The main thing is that I don’t want it to be scorching hot in summer and I want good cold winters. I guess I don’t care toooo much about outdoorsy stuff as I could always travel.

one of my kids saw one at the shelter and fell in love. I have a large backyard (3ish acres), so there would be tons of space for him to roam. But we have no fence so I’m afraid that’ll be a problem. we aren’t in a financial position to spend thousands on a fence either. is that a huge dealbreaker?? Could we tie him to a tether so he can roam that way (which I would supervise outside or out my window). Could I potentially let him go outside for a bit in my neighbors backyard that has a fence (they wouldn’t be bothered).

Edit: So it would be okay to not let him outside in the backyard at all unsupervised and to instead bring him on several long walks and other activities a day for around 2-3 hrs?