u/Sparkybear94

I really hope it's ok if I share my personal story here. My story is not meant to sway either side, as I both like and dislike Jax. I just want to share my story after being silenced for so long. I hope those of you that are willing to read it will offer me compassion and grace.💜

Going to put Trigger Warnings up, please don't continue reading if these topics are extremely triggering. I wouldn't want to cause anyone else unnecessary hurt.

TW: bullying, stalking, harassment, SA, abuse, Su**ide, substance abuse, SH

I dated a Jax before. I met my Jax 5+ years ago and we met on the MMO World of Warcraft. The night we met, he told me that he didn't have any money and no food. I ended up giving him money to buy himself some food, as I know what it's like to not even have money to feed yourself. I used to have to go to food banks. As we got to know each other, my ex told me he was in a relationship a month prior to meeting me and that his ex would manipulate him into s3xual behaviors and that it messed with his psych. I also told him I was asexual and s3x-repulsed and he told me he felt the same way as me and never wanted those things. I believed him.

We became closer and closer and spent every day playing together. Inevitably more feelings developed, and looking back now I realized I was severely love bombed. My ex convinced me he loved me after 2 weeks of knowing me and I foolishly fell for his trap. We began dating, and it was toxic and unhealthy the entire time. I learned that my ex has his own "Jax's mother" story. He had told me that she has substance abuse, was extremely neglectful and abusive to him. My ex also has his own substance abuse issues and SHing. I wanted to help him and show him the love he never received from his family. I guess you could say I was his Pomni. I thought with love and support I could show him there was a healthier path.

Eventually as our relationship continued, it got worse. I won't write every single thing he did to me as that'd be a book in itself, but I'll mention some of the things he had done. One night I was at my wits end with the toxic relationship and wanted to end it. He threatened to take his life if I left him. It was an intentional threat, as he knew su**ide was the one thing that could hit me. I lost my father to hit when I was 8 years old. I stayed with him after much convincing from him and my "best friend."

Our relationship eventually turned IRL and he begun to live with me. Over time the issues that we had online were now happening in real life. He would guilt trip and pressure me into s3xual behavior, by constantly asking until I gave in and agreed just so he'd stop. One night after a huge fight and argument he convinced me to let him shower with me so he could "take care of me." I was not mentally thinking due to the fight and being up all night. That's when he took advantage of me in a way no one ever should do to a person.. That was not the first instance of SA, by the way.

After so many months of toxicity and abuse, I kicked him out. That's when my real hell started. For 6+ months he stalked me online, stalked me everywhere in WoW, blew up my phone with fake numbers saying the nastiest, vile things you could ever say to someone. Laughed at my cat's death. Leaked my private photos to people online. I had to change my phone number to make the texts stop. He hacked multiple accounts of mine. Lied to people and made them think I was the crazy one and manipulative one. He'd fake accountability and guilt in hopes I would come back and take him back. When it didn't work he'd turn abusive and vile again. He tried to isolate me and push me over the edge. And he almost succeeded. If it was not for my pets and my friends, I would not be here today. Those 6 months were the most hell I have ever gone through. I have recently begun therapy earlier this year and have been diagnosed with PTSD. My own family doesn't know the full extent of the abuse I went through and how bad it was. I was so close to losing myself and my life.

After rewatching Episode 9, I've come to the conclusion I see myself in Ribbit so much. The isolation, being accused of lying and having the story manipulated and told incorrectly. Ribbit was pushed away and ostracized to the point she eventually gave up. That's exactly what my ex did to me. Only, I was able to come out of it and hold on. She is now my favorite character and I can't believe I didn't see how much our stories are parallel to each other. She never deserved the things Jax did to her, just like I never deserved what happened to me. I imagine I will be in therapy for a long time trying to heal from someone breaking both my body and spirit and hurting me in unimaginable ways.

I do not like this mantra that you can "fix" people with love. You cannot. They have to be willing to change and better themselves and taking accountability. You can't burn yourself in the process of trying to put out someone else's flames. I came into this seeing myself as like Pomni, and now I realize I'm more like Ribbit. I feel for her so much. I wish Jax would of been written to where he gave his victims an apology and owned up to it. I do not believe abusers are owed forgiveness from their victims. I will never forgive mine. But I would of liked to of seen the characters in the circus get their apology, even if they didn't forgive Jax.

I still like Jax as a character, but at the same time I dislike him too, as it relates so heavily to the trauma I went through. I wish Ribbit, Kaufmo, Gangle and everyone else would of gotten an apology and accountability from Jax. Just like I wish I would of gotten from my Jax.

If you read this far, thank you. And I hope you will offer me compassion here. 🥺💕

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