u/Stargazer1919

I need to cut calories to lose some weight. But restriction of any kind means I binge later. I can't keep doing this.

I've gone my whole life wondering what my problem is.

CDS makes everything make sense.

I apologize in advance that this is a long post.

I've been a space cadet my whole life. Always way too stuck in my own head. Paying attention was never a strength of mine. Normal everyday tasks that most people can do quickly... it takes me forever to get it done and requires so much energy. My sense of time is not great. My accuracy with work/school tasks is not what I wish it was. I can spend 2x as long to get something done but somehow I still miss things. This is upsetting because I really do like getting little details right.

My executive functioning is sort of wonky. I LOVE planning things out. I love organizing things. I feel so empowered when I can multitask and get things done quickly. My job and my college major require these sorts of things from me. I've gotten so much better at it, but I'm still not that great at it. Somehow my plans don't always work out. I can organize things but I can't seem to keep them organized.

In 3rd grade I lost most interest in school. I had some crap going on at home that definitely contributed to it. I just didn't want to do my homework.

This was the late 90s/very early 2000s when every other kid was getting put on Adderall. My parents took me to a psych doctor, I got an ADHD diagnosis and Adderall to go with it. My parents and the doctor agreed that I was never hyperactive, but I was lost in my own head all the time. My mom described how I would daydream about my dog nonstop until hours later and my homework was still not done. The doctor said that the term ADD wasn't really being used anymore but I was definitely more ADD than ADHD.

Unfortunately my issues with schoolwork never got better, only worse. I don't remember the medications being helpful. My parents were not good parents and ended up causing a lot of trauma for me. Later on in adulthood I had multiple doctors and therapists confirm I have PTSD/CPTSD. Thankfully that has gotten a lot better. I found that a lot of my issues with executive functioning and memory have gotten better since a lot of my PTSD has been healed. Maybe my executive functioning and memory issues were not ADHD related... maybe it was just trauma?

I've spent the last few years wondering if I'm on the spectrum due to some social issues I've always had. I was SO SHY as a kid. I did not have the slightest clue how to navigate social interactions.

If I'm in a group of people, I have always felt like I had no idea what was going on. It's like I'm always missing some sort of memo. There is no way to count how many times I should have known something but I didn't. Example: one of my high school friends was bullying another friend of mine. I really wanted to plan a get together with all of my friends but my one friend refused to hang out with the other. I had no idea why. It wasn't until years later did I find out what an a-hole that bully was. I still feel bad that I tried to get my best friend to hang out with the person bullying her. I wish I knew back then just how much I was paying so little attention to other people. (Thankfully this was like 20 years ago and a lot of progress has been made since then.)

Certain things have persisted my whole life. I'm always tired. It takes forever for me to wake up in the morning. I have to set 10-12 alarms to get myself to wake up. (Not exaggerating.) I don't get sleepy until midnight. Which stinks because I have to get up at like 6am for work. My brain doesn't seem to get into gear until after 10am. I'm not a morning person but I have to be for my job. It is a huge daily struggle to get my body moving. When I come home from whatever I was doing, I just want to sit on the couch for hours.

At multiple jobs I've worked at, my managers would say how much I really needed to keep up the pace and work faster. It's hard not just due to a lack of energy, but also the lack of focus. And working faster means I'm more likely to make mistakes. I have to read my assignments multiple times before I can absorb what is required.

I think I have a problem with spending too much time on my phone, because the internet gives me constant reinforcement of whatever I'm lost in thought about.

I've questioned for a long time if ADHD is an accurate term for me. I tried vyvanse recently but it makes me so anxious and/or on edge. I questioned autism because of my social struggles but that never really fit. A therapist I had in the past said I didn't seem to be on the spectrum. CPTSD explains a lot but I had issues way before I started experiencing major trauma.

Obviously we can't diagnose ourselves. But I'm gathering my thoughts here so I can bring it up to my doctor (and future therapist) later.

Edit: forgot to mention that I've had problems with motivation my whole life, even when it's with things I want to do.

My job is the best I can do for the time being. I have a 45 minute commute every day. We moved to an area we could afford to live in. Getting a job closer to me would mean a huge pay cut. I'm not yet qualified for any jobs that would help me earn a lot more but I am working on a bachelor's degree.

I don't make enough money to save anything extra or pay a lot towards debt. I recognize that this is what I really need to be doing.

Because of my commute and schedule, I don't have time for a second job. Once I get home after work and errands, it's cooking and cleaning, self care, and maintaining the house. Once that's all done I have maybe a couple hours before it's time to go back to bed.

I've done some gig work and side jobs but I'm not sure what else I could do that would bring in a regular side income.

I feel so stuck right now.

That's all. The title says everything.

I think I just need to admit this and say it out loud.

I don't regret my choices. I regret that there was basically no other options and no other way that this could have turned out.

My friends, distant family, co-workers will all say they are happy for me and proud of me and stuff. But I wish my mom was capable of that. I wish I could experience what most other people my age were able to experience with their moms.

But it's not possible. I have my doubts that it was ever a possibility. Not with the life events that happened over the years.

I have yet to see this discussed anywhere, so I'm bringing it to the attention of this community. I don't spend much time anymore looking at estranged parents content, but it still sometimes gets shown to me by algorithms.

There seem to be a bunch of influencer grifters out there who have the target audience of estranged parents. They sell counseling/therapy sessions (and may or may not be qualified to do so), sell books, and sell apologies that are pre-written scripts that the parents can send to their estranged kids. I've noticed that these seem to be written using AI.

I've also seen fake or dubious research being posted by random accounts, that is written by AI and is meant to attack estranged offspring and/or the concept of estrangement.

I can name where I found these things, but that may draw unwanted attention from those communities over here. I'm not sure if I need to say specifically where I found this stuff.

Is estrangement one of those things that has come to light thanks to the media/social media, and therefore is attracting bot/fake accounts to leave fake AI information everywhere? Are these grifters acting in bad faith and unwilling to do the hard work to help their own side? Is there something about estranged parents that make them more susceptible to believing or posting AI crap? Is it a combination of all of the above?

On the flip side, is this less common with estranged kids and their online communities?

I haven't seen any research or documentation on any of this, so I'm just posting this so it's up for discussion. Thank you for reading!

https://youtu.be/9gdtex\_LI7o?si=2ZPcU\_xP1xzIStpB

My partner and I watched this together. He's never seen any estranged parents content before. Hasn't read any of the articles or forums. But he heard 30 seconds of what that guy in the video was saying, and said "Wow, this guy's a massive piece of shit. His kids definitely don't talk to him."

Ever hear this one before?

"Just wait until it happens to you!" "Just wait until your kids stop talking to you!"

Hold on... hold on... hold on...

Does that mean we would finally have the estranged parents community listen to us and treat us with respect? Because they only listen to those who have had their kids leave them...

🤣 I'll see myself out.

Title. I did great for 3 weeks. No binges like I used to do. Any binges I had were small and only with fruit.

I got stressed out when I had some doctors appointments (major stressor for me) and then got sick with some sort of cold/sinus thing. Now I have finals coming up with school. I barely have time to do my laundry and dishes. Forget about meal prep. Meal prep was crucial to not eating junk food and not binge eating.

Good news is that my doctor wants to put me on either vyvanse for binge eating or a GLP1. Pending some test results.

It's like I did great with my diet when I was terrified about my health. But when my blood sugar numbers came back okay and my vision test was excellent, I lost that motivation to change my diet. It's terrible.