u/Status_Travel_5468

Last night, after strenuous effort and mental gymnastics, I had put myself in a somewhat calm state of mind, calm enough that I could actually feel my hunger and want to act on it, something I could never do or never feel when I was particularly stressed or anxious.

I began cooking.

I was having a little celebration of my own when, lo and behold, a stray thought that felt like a sucker punch to the chest hit me.

A "What-if" scenario that felt terrifyingly real, stealing all my peace, every bit of progress I made through the day, making me walk in circles with the same thought spinning in my mind, trying to analyse it from every angle, trying to determine the threat it posed to me.

The food went cold. I didn't eat.

I'm so tired of living like this, of feeling like this.

I find it so disheartening to wake up anxious after spending the entire previous day doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to bring myself to a somewhat calm state of mind to sleep. Is this what I will be doomed to do every day? Repeat the same hellish and tiring process of calming myself down, only for the entire day to pass when I finally succeed?

When will I be free? When will I be at peace?

I find it so disheartening to wake up anxious after spending the entire previous day doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to bring myself to a somewhat calm state of mind to sleep. Is this what I will be doomed to do every day? Repeat the same hellish and tiring process of calming myself down, only for the entire day to pass when I finally succeed?

When will I be free? When will I be at peace?

I find it so disheartening to wake up anxious after spending the entire previous day doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to bring myself to a somewhat calm state of mind to sleep. Is this what I will be doomed to do every day? Repeat the same hellish and tiring process of calming myself down, only for the entire day to pass when I finally succeed?

When will I be free? When will I be at peace?

I find it so disheartening to wake up anxious after spending the entire previous day doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to bring myself to a somewhat calm state of mind to sleep. Is this what I will be doomed to do every day? Repeat the same hellish and tiring process of calming myself down, only for the entire day to pass when I finally succeed?

When will I be free? When will I be at peace?

During the pandemic, while quarantined, I was severely bullied and borderline stalked by an online community I had previously been a part of amicably. I am embarrassed to admit that the falling out had affected me greatly, and that was when this hell of my own making started.

I started having paranoid thoughts, thoughts about them despising me so much that they would go out of their way to harm me, to find out where I studied. It didn't help that, as a naive teenager, I had provided them with some private information about who I was and where I lived, thinking we were friends.

It consumed me, the paranoia, the sensation of feeling hated, talked about, and schemed about. I had many ideas that they would reveal my deepest, darkest secrets (which I had foolishly shared with them) to the world, that they would track my phone number, that they would somehow track down my friends or my accounts.

I was miserable, almost feverish with anxiety, my appetite disappeared, and (sorry to overshare) I had stress-induced diarrhoea. I was not in a financial position to receive medical help, so I simply endured and suffered greatly. I look back on it as the worst period of my life and pray every year that I never feel that way again.

Slowly, but surely, the paranoia faded into something low and simmering, but always present, triggered by different situations now, which made me act strangely and overcompensate for perceived threats, but I was not as utterly miserable as before. I had changed my number, I had tried to move on and forget them, and I had built a life I was somewhat proud of in six years.

Unexpectedly and perhaps foolishly, a few days ago I reconnected with a few individuals with whom I had not had a falling out from that community, and all the paranoia, the fear, the miserable sensation of dread, of that they were looking, of that they were watching, of that they had found out my accounts, or my place of work, or where I studied, it all came rushing back in, I feel almost nauseous with dread, and I keep doubting myself, my actions, wondering if I had given myself away, wondering if by reconnected with them, I was putting a target on my back, wondering if they had switched sides, wondering if the platform I reconnected with them on revealed some private information about me because everything is interconnected these days.

These thoughts are plaguing me. I feel foolish for reconnecting with them, I feel threatened despite them being nothing but warm and friendly with me, I feel almost sick with anxiety and can barely function, I can't eat, and I can't sleep. I feel so stupid and so under threat.

Please, if there is anyone out there who relates, who can understand me, who can give me any tips to calm my mind, please comment so that I won't feel so utterly alone in this hell of my own making.

During the pandemic, while quarantined, I was severely bullied and borderline stalked by an online community I had previously been a part of amicably. I am embarrassed to admit that the falling out had affected me greatly, and that was when this hell of my own making started.

I started having paranoid thoughts, thoughts about them despising me so much that they would go out of their way to harm me, to find out where I studied. It didn't help that, as a naive teenager, I had provided them with some private information about who I was and where I lived, thinking we were friends.

It consumed me, the paranoia, the sensation of feeling hated, talked about, and schemed about. I had many ideas that they would reveal my deepest, darkest secrets (which I had foolishly shared with them) to the world, that they would track my phone number, that they would somehow track down my friends or my accounts.

I was miserable, almost feverish with anxiety, my appetite disappeared, and (sorry to overshare) I had stress-induced diarrhoea. I was not in a financial position to receive medical help, so I simply endured and suffered greatly. I look back on it as the worst period of my life and pray every year that I never feel that way again.

Slowly, but surely, the paranoia faded into something low and simmering, but always present, triggered by different situations now, which made me act strangely and overcompensate for perceived threats, but I was not as utterly miserable as before. I had changed my number, I had tried to move on and forget them, and I had built a life I was somewhat proud of in six years.

Unexpectedly and perhaps foolishly, a few days ago I reconnected with a few individuals with whom I had not had a falling out from that community, and all the paranoia, the fear, the miserable sensation of dread, of that they were looking, of that they were watching, of that they had found out my accounts, or my place of work, or where I studied, it all came rushing back in, I feel almost nauseous with dread, and I keep doubting myself, my actions, wondering if I had given myself away, wondering if by reconnected with them, I was putting a target on my back, wondering if they had switched sides, wondering if the platform I reconnected with them on revealed some private information about me because everything is interconnected these days.

These thoughts are plaguing me. I feel foolish for reconnecting with them, I feel threatened despite them being nothing but warm and friendly with me, I feel almost sick with anxiety and can barely function, I can't eat, and I can't sleep. I feel so stupid and so under threat.

Please, if there is anyone out there who relates, who can understand me, who can give me any tips to calm my mind, please comment so that I won't feel so utterly alone in this hell of my own making.

During the pandemic, while quarantined, I was severely bullied and borderline stalked by an online community I had previously been a part of amicably. I am embarrassed to admit that the falling out had affected me greatly, and that was when this hell of my own making started.

I started having paranoid thoughts, thoughts about them despising me so much that they would go out of their way to harm me, to find out where I studied. It didn't help that, as a naive teenager, I had provided them with some private information about who I was and where I lived, thinking we were friends.

It consumed me, the paranoia, the sensation of feeling hated, talked about, and schemed about. I had many ideas that they would reveal my deepest, darkest secrets (which I had foolishly shared with them) to the world, that they would track my phone number, that they would somehow track down my friends or my accounts.

I was miserable, almost feverish with anxiety, my appetite disappeared, and (sorry to overshare) I had stress-induced diarrhoea. I was not in a financial position to receive medical help, so I simply endured and suffered greatly. I look back on it as the worst period of my life and pray every year that I never feel that way again.

Slowly, but surely, the paranoia faded into something low and simmering, but always present, triggered by different situations now, which made me act strangely and overcompensate for perceived threats, but I was not as utterly miserable as before. I had changed my number, I had tried to move on and forget them, and I had built a life I was somewhat proud of in six years.

Unexpectedly and perhaps foolishly, a few days ago I reconnected with a few individuals with whom I had not had a falling out from that community, and all the paranoia, the fear, the miserable sensation of dread, of that they were looking, of that they were watching, of that they had found out my accounts, or my place of work, or where I studied, it all came rushing back in, I feel almost nauseous with dread, and I keep doubting myself, my actions, wondering if I had given myself away, wondering if by reconnected with them, I was putting a target on my back, wondering if they had switched sides, wondering if the platform I reconnected with them on revealed some private information about me because everything is interconnected these days.

These thoughts are plaguing me. I feel foolish for reconnecting with them, I feel threatened despite them being nothing but warm and friendly with me, I feel almost sick with anxiety and can barely function, I can't eat, and I can't sleep. I feel so stupid and so under threat.

Please, if there is anyone out there who relates, who can understand me, who can give me any tips to calm my mind, please comment so that I won't feel so utterly alone in this hell of my own making.

During the pandemic, while quarantined, I was severely bullied and borderline stalked by an online community I had previously been a part of amicably. I am embarrassed to admit that the falling out had affected me greatly, and that was when this hell of my own making started.

I started having paranoid thoughts, thoughts about them despising me so much that they would go out of their way to harm me, to find out where I studied. It didn't help that, as a naive teenager, I had provided them with some private information about who I was and where I lived, thinking we were friends.

It consumed me, the paranoia, the sensation of feeling hated, talked about, and schemed about. I had many ideas that they would reveal my deepest, darkest secrets (which I had foolishly shared with them) to the world, that they would track my phone number, that they would somehow track down my friends or my accounts.

I was miserable, almost feverish with anxiety, my appetite disappeared, and (sorry to overshare) I had stress-induced diarrhoea. I was not in a financial position to receive medical help, so I simply endured and suffered greatly. I look back on it as the worst period of my life and pray every year that I never feel that way again.

Slowly, but surely, the paranoia faded into something low and simmering, but always present, triggered by different situations now, which made me act strangely and overcompensate for perceived threats, but I was not as utterly miserable as before. I had changed my number, I had tried to move on and forget them, and I had built a life I was somewhat proud of in six years.

Unexpectedly and perhaps foolishly, a few days ago I reconnected with a few individuals with whom I had not had a falling out from that community, and all the paranoia, the fear, the miserable sensation of dread, of that they were looking, of that they were watching, of that they had found out my accounts, or my place of work, or where I studied, it all came rushing back in, I feel almost nauseous with dread, and I keep doubting myself, my actions, wondering if I had given myself away, wondering if by reconnected with them, I was putting a target on my back, wondering if they had switched sides, wondering if the platform I reconnected with them on revealed some private information about me because everything is interconnected these days.

These thoughts are plaguing me. I feel foolish for reconnecting with them, I feel threatened despite them being nothing but warm and friendly with me, I feel almost sick with anxiety and can barely function, I can't eat, and I can't sleep. I feel so stupid and so under threat.

Please, if there is anyone out there who relates, who can understand me, who can give me any tips to calm my mind, please comment so that I won't feel so utterly alone in this hell of my own making.