(Tw: vent, transphobia, hate speech) i feel like I'm not safe and I don't belong anywhere and in what's supposed to be my own community
I'm a gay dude in his early 20's who's transgender (pre HRT and top surgery, i have no plans on having bottom surgery and I'm still in the closet/have no access to testosterone yet) and I've been encountering so many horrible comments coming from certain communities of gay men. As much as I like men and I find many of them charming/lovely, it hurts so much to read and hear a huge amount of comments in subreddits that are supposed to be gay men friendly about how other gay men who date trans men are actually bi and not gay (implying that a man who's trans or doesn't fit in conventionally masculine attributes is less than a man, and therefore a woman, and anyone who dates them is somehow in a "straight relationship"¿¿¿).
That's the nicest thing I've seen, because then you have other gay men talking about non traditionally masculine body features (genitalia, chest, voice, etc.) in what's genuinely some of the most dehumanizing way possible. Talking about how it's disgusting and equivalent to a cesspool. It makes me feel disgusted at myself.
Like yeah, i have tits, a uterus, wide hips, a soft looking face, and guess what? I can't do much about it at the moment, because I live in a developing country where being trans is even worse than in other places, therefore I can't get HRT yet, let alone get top surgery. And even if I could, even if I manage to look like a real man down to the body hair and beard and what's between my legs, even if it takes sacrificing the unmasculine things that I enjoy to this day like makeup or dressing up in feminine clothes, even after I realized that I feel genuinely so much more happy and comfortable with myself when I perceive myself as a man and not a woman, the men and people I'm mentioning will see a straight girl who's infiltrating a community 'she' doesn't belong in.
Cis gay men are allowed to crossdress and they're still treated like men, but when a man is trans (and god forbid he enjoys the same things), it's an undercover woman, a trap.
It hurts a lot to see other gay men putting all of my worth as a human being in my genitals, in my anatomy that for them is inherently sexual. My body parts do NOT define your sexuality, because I'm more than my fucking pussy or tits. My lack of body hair is not inherently sexual.
It hurts to hear those men trying to act like they're the ones being attacked for being gay, after talking about other gay men's private parts in vile ways. It hurts that I don't have a say in anything, because a cis man will try to call it "homophobia". I have to remain silent and watch how not just other gay men, but people in general will be so dead-set on making people like me feel like we're a subhuman, filthy pecies next to the "normal gays"
I feel helpless because the last time I tried to talk about this in another forum and bring awareness to the more damaging part of the queer community, my messages got deleted (???), thus I feel like I can barely talk to anyone about this. I really want to belong in this community, and I'm sure there's good men. I want to believe there's good men I can trust in and that I'm also a good man as well, despite everything.