r/trans4every1

I’ve always been really dysphoric about my chest. I wear a binder most of the time and I’ve tried taping but I usually get bad blisters and it’s just not fun to deal with. Since I can’t sleep in my binder, I just always wear a t shirt. My fiancee doesn’t really see my shirtless that much unless I’m changing really quick, which I usually turn my chest away from her, or if we’re in the bath, which I usually sit with my knees covering my chest.
Sometimes when we laying in bed or in the bath though, she lays against my chest and I just feel weird about it. For one, my chest is really tender, idk if it’s just because of binding or what, or if I just hate the feeling that much, but it’s usually painful so I’ll let her know and she’ll move away.
But last night we were cuddling and watching a movie and she was laying on my chest. I told her again that it hurt and that my chest is tender so she moved and then we laid side to side so we could see each other. I just expressed “I hate my chest” just kinda out of the blue cause it was on my mind and she asked me why. I explained that I hated having to bind and that I wish I had a flat chest and I wish I could be comfortable shirtless and she said “well I love your chest.” I know she’s means well but I almost don’t want her to like my chest rn. I’m not saying I want her to find my chest repulsive but like, I’m going to get top surgery someday so I hope she doesn’t like them too much cause I’m getting rid of them sooner or later. I told her I just didn’t like my chest and again said I wish I could comfortable shirtless and she said “well take your shirt off then.” I said I didn’t want to because I felt weird and she kept pressing it and I was like “I’m not doing that I hate my chest” and I ended grabbing a blanket to cover my chest up more even though it was hot and she seemed kinda sad and explained that she was just trying to make me feel better.

I know that her intentions were good but I just feel like she doesn’t understand what it’s like for me at all. She’s pansexual so I know she’s understanding of the lgbtq community but I don’t think she’s really ever gotten to understand the trans experience.

1. I am a white person, so take this with a grain of salt

2. I am nonbinary so my experiences may differ from others

I've been participating in trans spaces, both online and irl for a decade at this point, and while it's always been an issue, these past few years have seemed especially bad.

It seems as tho alot of trans spaces default to white beauty/ presentation standards, and there just isn't very good representation for trans people of color in alot of these spaces. There just arnt alot of black and brown trans people in these spaces, and the ones that are here have often talked about feeling excluded/ pushed out of the community. In particular, there was an issue in the ftm sub a few years ago that resulted in alot of people feeling unsafe and leaving.

I'm bringing this up because I want to be part of a community that is genuinely for ALL trans people. I want to know what I, as a white person, can do to make others feel safe here.

If this is out of line for me to be asking about pls let me know. I'm from pretty deep south so my experiences with anti-racism is limited.

I’ve always felt more welcome in transmasc-majority forums than transfem, for mostly unknown reasons. Since the r trans scandals, I have excluded myself from many transfem dominated circles, and have been permabanned from almost all the rest.

Anyways, to the point. A dude asked how far people usually pull their pants and undies down when using urinals. With consideration to their anatomy, they need to pull far down and get self conscious because of it.

As a penis-haver, despite being female and now would rather die than be forced into a binary male public toilet, I felt like I had something relevant to contribute. “Do like Butters and pull it all the way down. That’s how I did.” Seriously! That’s how I did it too. Anyone who would point it out would be met with me saying “You like looking at my butt? what are you, gay?” with a smirk.

But yeah, for all y’all who use urinals, most dudes would not care how far you pull it down, genuinely for fear of being called out as gay.

Hello (19m) and I’ve always known I was gay. My childhood I had to hide my feminine side because of my religious parents and society. I never liked being a boy and wished I was a girl from the start. I could never be myself and had to play this straight character growing up. I was conventionally attractive and had feminine features. I was always bullied and called crazy slurs at school and never fit in with any of my friends ( they are all girls btw ). I’d always cry and think that God made a mistake with my gender. I know how much things I could do if I was born a girl. Everytime I tell people that they think I should transition into a girl. I know that might sound like what I’m looking for but idk how to explain. I don’t want to transition into a girl. I feel like it’s too late for me my childhood has been taken away from me as living as a boy. Also I get scared about how much it takes to become a full woman. If I wanted to be trans I wouldn’t want to just identify as a girl but I’d want to fully become one. I feel like it’s too late and I just wish I was a girl from the beginning of my life. Idk if ppl will ever understand me.

so, recently i've been using Twitter a lot. i've seen a lot of hate from transfems towards transmascs (specifically trans men), because they're the 'oppressors' in the trans community.

now, that i've given some backstory, i'll tell you what happened.

i (15FTM) got into a fight on Twitter last night, over the exact same thing. all the people who were 'attacking' (it wasn't attacking, per se, i don't have better words to describe it though) were adult transfems. i was implied to be a men's right activist over a single wrong reply. i was also called stupid, and someone made fun of my nationality.

i feel guilty, am i really a horrible person? i didn't mean for my words to be seen as such, i was just venting my own frustrations with being constantly seen as evil. yes, i admit, i could've done that somewhere else, but the tweet i replied to used such language that made me think it was about all trans men.

i really do feel bad about this...

i'm sorry.

i wish we didnt live in a reality where a great chunk of the trans community you see in this current day is filled with transmeds who are straight up the terfs of the trans community whilst they claim that they hate terfs and their ideologies. its so ironic i wish they’d see that they are literally word-for-word terfs themselves, straight up excluding the hyperinvisible section of the community and more-often-than-not not even considering the section to be trans themselves. as if transness is only a thing limited to the most hypervisible, and everyone else is cis or some shit, when ppl with these views dont even have trans view-points and beliefs as a core part of their identity. they see transness as an aesthetical identity, not one that comes with it the need to have these strong beliefs, which means unconditional support for all trans ppl whether binary, nonbinary, intersex trans ppl, and strong understanding of intersectionality as well.

they’ll call themselves transfeminists while not even being familiar with the foundational cores of feminism, it feels like a label they just adopted thinking it gains them more proximity to womanhood, when in fact it should be the bare minimum knowledge for trans individuals in general, one in that they somehow still managed to fail. if what transmeds/trans exorsexists practice is still called transfeminism, then maybe only aimed at transfems at best (where even that is debatable given how much the sphere throws their own under the bus with 4tran culture and such), not a type of feminism that even includes trans ppl of other identities. they’ll call themselves marxists/communists while frequenting sites like 4chan and throwing 4chan slurs towards marginalized ppl like water, completely oblivious of how that is completely hypocritical to their identities, yet they *say* they are that. they are completely performative in every action.

i wish the community didnt just allow ppl like this to be platformed and got together more to give them a reality-check on what theyre doing. terfmeds are living in their own echo-chambers as can be seen here in reddit, twitter, everywhere and why are we just allowing these ppl to be the face of the trans community, when they don’t even have trans beliefs themselves to begin with? similar to the “gay, but not queer” thing, except thats the motion being observed in the front-lines of whats supposed to be from a *queer* community

So like we met some new people last night. Some important context is that I am not someone who passes as a man. I am not someone who wants to pass as a man. These people know I am trans, are okay with it and would definitely be okay with her. Our safety is not at risk in this situation.

I am nonbinary. I've made it clear a lot that I am not a trans man. She almost solely refers to me with he/him which is kinda funny cos she is a lesbian.

I'm kinda okay with he/him. But it's the barest minimum. I prefer they/them. When she only refers to me as he/him other people assume I am a man and it feels fucking icky.

Yesterday, there was this dude who kept making honestly inappropriate comments but he was referring to us as gay men.

I have NEVER felt like a man and it does NOT affirm me or my gender whatsoever.

But also I don't want her to be misgendered. It gives me secondhand dysphoria. She's a beautiful woman and I love her.

She still thinks that people he/himing me is affirming to me even though I have told her that that is not the case and is like, "i don't care what they say about me, I was just happy for you"

I don't want people to see me or you as a man! I'm not a gay man and neither are you!

I HAVE told her a lot that I am not a man and am far more comfortable with they/them.

I genuinely don't know how to get her to take me seriously or to use they/them more frequently or to get her to stop using the excuse of "oh well, at least they see you as a man" I'm not a man!!!

Trans women/fems are always seen as the default when it comes to trans issues, and that hurts all of us. Transfems are hyperscrutinized and made out to be villains, and that frequently puts them in dangerous situations. I'm not trying to downplay that.

On the rare occasion that transmascs are acknowledged at all, we're seen as either whiny bitches who don't know what's good for us or as monsters betraying our divine femininity. Either way, people think we need to be "corrected/fixed/set right." It's fucking gross and so exhausting.

When we try and talk about our issues, it's either "just misogyny" or "just transphobia." If we try and point out that any issue we face is specifically (or even disproportionately) related to being transmasculine, it immediately gets shut down. Some people in the trans community will do anything they can to downplay and discredit trans mens' lived experiences.

I’m an obviously gay trans man and thought this was funny but my partner said it may be unintentionally hurtful to those who have been called sissies. Thoughts?

Fair warning, I might be a little dated in my language.

I have heard trans femme people referred to as "dolls." Frankly I really like the slang term, it's cute! I am curious though and this is my question.

Is there a comparative term for trans masculine people?

It is gonna be a minimum of 110°f (43°c) in June where I live, we're trying to come up with ideas for inexpensive/free to host events for pride that we can do indoors.

So far we've thought of a movie night, board game party, cocktail/mocktail night, potluck, and karaoke (if the bar agrees). We're in a small town, we're gonna be doing everything either at the library (rented room) or at someones house, so there's not a lot of space.

If anyone has any other ideas, I'd love to hear them!

I saw this sentence float around the trans subreddits I frequent, and I thought I would make a tumblr account for this website that would be great for trans guys!

Unfortunately, no one tells you to filter tags because of the massive amount of NSFW bots on the trans tags, which I hastily did because I didn't want to see anything like that.

There is also so much transandrophobia on there it is insane, not to mention just general transphobia. People saying "transmen" and "transwomen" instead of adding the spaces in between.

There's just so much transphobia on there and it isn't moderated, not like on here.

It's a very different experience than on here, and making it out to be this "utopic site for trans guys" is wrong, and I wish people wouldn't say that.

Hi, I recently got ahold of the sub r/t4t_community through a mod request. I was hoping to open the sub back up and revive the community!

Feel free to post anything that relates to being trans and t4t relationships or dynamics. Anything from discussions, advice, questions, vents, art, media, support, or anything celebratory is welcome!

If this community sounds like something you’d like to be part of and to help grow, feel free to join! :)

(posted with permission from the mods)

I feel like any kind of “support system” I had really isn’t all that supportive I keep getting bit by the lie that my parents support me I’ve told my mom 5 times and every time I’ve felt the least support I’ve ever felt my dad I don’t really know where he stands but ik he doesn’t agree with it ether my brother is my closest ally atm the closest thing I can really call my support system I had have? I’m not sure any more we will say I have friends that i thought supported me but recently they have shown me that they don’t believe in hrt being healthy?? Or helpful the way my friend described it was “you can be a woman with out destroying your body with chemicals” so yeah I’ve yet to respond to that I have a message to reply i just don’t know if it’s really worth it and I was in a trans discord server but it’s slowly dying it’s basically dead and yk like I’m apart of some other community’s that are local but I just don’t like group chats because I get talked over

Genuinely feels like every other week the Big Trans Discourse is some variation of “can trans men be…” or “can trans men experience…” and it’s never actually people asking trans men in good faith, like those questions very well could’ve been. I genuinely face danger and harassment in my daily life, so I go to trans spaces to feel safe. Instead a lot of the time it just makes me feel othered and boxed in and nervous. Even from the trans community, my very real danger and experiences aren’t taken seriously :/

"Do not bring in drama from other subreddits or the Discord server." sayeth the rules, but I will make this as vague as I can. I also don't think it's drama. I'm just sad.

This feeling was triggered by me making a post a few days ago defending religious queer people, and people insulting me and wishing the worst on me within the comments.

A while ago, I was permabanned off two trans subreddits. I don't know if I accidentally doxxed someone in someone's post asking for a wellness check on someone else. I acknowledge that had I did, it does deserve a warning or a ban, but what I wrote is "I think I recognise that person from IRL, I'll ask around in mutual circles." IRL, I asked if a wellness check was appropriate. A reputable person in the local trans community initiated the wellness check. An hour later, I was permabanned without reason (and ability to ask the mods what went wrong) from one subreddit, and permabanned in another subreddit I know has the same mods. I assume that the mod team and some other people are tight-knit.

This permaban reminded me of being permabanned off several trans and sapphic circles over the internet last summer. I vaguely and unreliably recall the reason. I must have offended someone gravely? I also know that there were also mod teams there who are tight-knit with the above two subreddits' mod teams.

It's something I painfully have had heartfelt conversations with IRL friends and acquaintances about this last year. Am I that bad?