u/GalacticApex

Ofc no one saw me as a girl back then and I feel a lot of people still don’t see me as a girl and well my favourite show when I was a young girl was mlp like a lot of other girls I also liked my littles pet shop and a few other shows until I out grew/got bullied out of them…

so basically my whole life I’ve been home schooled same as my brother my brother is quite a bit older then me but basically when I was really into the show my brother would always with out a second beat call me the worst thing you could call me

✨a brony✨

it didn’t affect me for the most part until it did…
I mean at the time I probably didn’t register that maybe the reason why it affected me so much is because he was basically saying your a MAN watching my little pony and i didn’t realize that me feeling bad about that was partly because of gender dysphoria but yeah i stopped because I got embarrassed

and my likening of the show has come back to bite me again and again honestly any time that i expressed my femininity and wanting to be a girl online or somewhere that wasn’t in reality because yk my young girl mind still thought she was still a boy and she didn’t think it was possible to even do that so she never even thought about that

my brother would question me about it like I was doing something weird or wrong even a few examples in recent times before I came out where he judged me for being just feminine

but honestly that besides the point he’s honestly one of the best people in my life that I feel actually support me to a certain degree if

I asked him to use my name and pronouns today he would probably try his hardest to make the change maybe it wouldn’t even be an issue

but my mom or dad on the other hand they have rejected the idea of ever trying

but honestly i just wish that people didn’t look at me strangely when I do something that every other girl has ever done like play girly games and watch girly shows and paint your nails do your make up the list goes on

this all really boils down to I wish people saw me as a real girl not a transgirl and I mean the cis perception of a trans girl like it is it’s own gender and not just a sub category of women/girl

He’s having a hard time with my pronouns and was having a hard time with my name till he started using Lyn which I’m okay with but id really like to help him remember ig the only thing I can do is just correct him when I can??? Is that all I can do? Also i don’t think i need to say it but he is really supportive of me and I’ve only just come out to the rest of the friend group and now that it’s not really a secret anymore he’s now having a difficult time because he’s still wired to be like I have to call her he cus she isn’t out

At times my pronouns feel like knives in my heart when my old pronouns feel like nothing logically he him should feel worse then she her but at times I feel like she her hurts but I wish I was called that I think it’s a self worth issue when ever I hear pronouns that I don’t feel I deserve it makes my stomach drop

I’ve gotten most used to my name I love when people call me Adalyn but there’s still a nagging feeling that feels weird like hearing it like shocks me sometimes idk it’s very confusing sometimes

If I ever just get flowers from my partner or just from anyone I’ll genuinely probably cry cus that’s honestly one of the most affirming things ever also if I was given a birthday card just saying female pronouns like I’d be sobbing

I really love the banner but I see very few good pictures of it it would be dope if someone photo scanned it

Sure I have arm hair a small amount of facial hair and dress masc a lot but tons of women do that and get gendered correctly what makes me look more like a man then any other woman that looks like me?

My brother is supporting and I assume his friends are supportive as well they are all in the edm community I’m just scared to go out in fem for the first time I’m scared something may go bad :/

AND ALSO 200 FOLLOWERS WOOOOO🎉🎉🎉🎉

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Even tho i know im technically not alone i feel it

I feel bad right now i feel scared to continue my transition i mean i feel like society transitioning is hard and im not even where im at socially in fact just generally ive gone backwards in just social interaction i had a group of friends i hung out with
Until i came out it felt like something changed it may have not just been me being trans tho just the whole dynamic changed and i didn’t like it and now we haven’t talked in a while now it’s strange i came out and the dynamic changed makes me think maybe i was the thing that changed the dynamic with coming out I’ve seen it before when people changed in a way that they didn’t like they removed them from the friend circle ofc with the person in question it was a little different she started to hang around bad people and was dating someone that was way older then her and she changed up i didn’t know her very much but i met her briefly and she seemed nice she’s back in the friendship circle but just the fact that they could have disposed of someone like that so easily it just makes me think that maybe they have a secret chat that doesn’t have me in it

It’s hard to transition socially when you can’t stand up for yourself or have the courage to dress how you’d like in public

If I’m honest i wouldn’t even call what I have done a social transition it’s just a less closed version of what I was before

I wanna start medically transitioning because ever since I’ve started to express myself more openly in the confines of my own home I’ve felt more and more desire for my body to look like a girls body sometimes I feel like I can’t take off my bra because I don’t want to see myself with out my padded chest

I feel scared too tho my mom and dad already have a hard time accepting the way i dress they haven’t even tried to make an effort to address me with proper pronouns if that’s hard to accept just the mirror idea of calling your trans daughter she is such an issue and something that you reject so deep that you don’t even make an attempt even when you have been told it hurts

How much harder would it be to accept that your trans daughter wants to change her biological appearance with drugs that you’re told destroy people’s lives by random voices on the Internet that don’t have medical degrees

I’m also scared of paperwork and things going wrong and I have phobia of swallowing pills and I have bad emetophobia

I’m just thinking in my head about being denied hormones or getting on those hormones and being under prescribed and that having a bad affect on me even scarier of a thought what if that’s done intentionally?

I need support through this process but it seems like there’s no support no pillars even when people say the construction of the building is sturdy There’s really no pillars it’s all hollow a façade it stands tall and says it can support me but when I step on the floor it falls through and it makes me feel stupid because I believed that I could step on it

It seems like my mom is trying but it doesn’t feel like she is trying at the same time I reached out to my brother for support and help he didn’t know how to help me although its hard because he’s a cis man that has very little knowledge but just enough to understand

I’m thankful that my brother supports me he was the first person to say it to my face the day I came out I had been forced out of the closet by my mother because she couldn’t keep that secret

Me being trans has always been a show of dancing around the eggshells and it gets tiresome because that makes me feel like I cannot talk about my needs and what support I need every time I put on a feminine outfit I feel there throat’s tightening any I’ve asked for advice from my mom and she acts like she doesn’t know how to help but I know very well if I was born her daughter she would know how to help me

I could go on for longer but this is probably my longest post on this app ever if you have read all of this thank you

Even tho i know im technically not alone i feel it

I feel bad right now i feel scared to continue my transition i mean i feel like society transitioning is hard and im not even where im at socially in fact just generally ive gone backwards in just social interaction i had a group of friends i hung out with
Until i came out it felt like something changed it may have not just been me being trans tho just the whole dynamic changed and i didn’t like it and now we haven’t talked in a while now it’s strange i came out and the dynamic changed makes me think maybe i was the thing that changed the dynamic with coming out I’ve seen it before when people changed in a way that they didn’t like they removed them from the friend circle ofc with the person in question it was a little different she started to hang around bad people and was dating someone that was way older then her and she changed up i didn’t know her very much but i met her briefly and she seemed nice she’s back in the friendship circle but just the fact that they could have disposed of someone like that so easily it just makes me think that maybe they have a secret chat that doesn’t have me in it

It’s hard to transition socially when you can’t stand up for yourself or have the courage to dress how you’d like in public

If I’m honest i wouldn’t even call what I have done a social transition it’s just a less closed version of what I was before

I wanna start medically transitioning because ever since I’ve started to express myself more openly in the confines of my own home I’ve felt more and more desire for my body to look like a girls body sometimes I feel like I can’t take off my bra because I don’t want to see myself with out my padded chest

I feel scared too tho my mom and dad already have a hard time accepting the way i dress they haven’t even tried to make an effort to address me with proper pronouns if that’s hard to accept just the mirror idea of calling your trans daughter she is such an issue and something that you reject so deep that you don’t even make an attempt even when you have been told it hurts

How much harder would it be to accept that your trans daughter wants to change her biological appearance with drugs that you’re told destroy people’s lives by random voices on the Internet that don’t have medical degrees

I’m also scared of paperwork and things going wrong and I have phobia of swallowing pills and I have bad emetophobia

I’m just thinking in my head about being denied hormones or getting on those hormones and being under prescribed and that having a bad affect on me even scarier of a thought what if that’s done intentionally?

I need support through this process but it seems like there’s no support no pillars even when people say the construction of the building is sturdy There’s really no pillars it’s all hollow a façade it stands tall and says it can support me but when I step on the floor it falls through and it makes me feel stupid because I believed that I could step on it

It seems like my mom is trying but it doesn’t feel like she is trying at the same time I reached out to my brother for support and help he didn’t know how to help me although its hard because he’s a cis man that has very little knowledge but just enough to understand

I’m thankful that my brother supports me he was the first person to say it to my face the day I came out I had been forced out of the closet by my mother because she couldn’t keep that secret

Me being trans has always been a show of dancing around the eggshells and it gets tiresome because that makes me feel like I cannot talk about my needs and what support I need every time I put on a feminine outfit I feel there throat’s tightening any I’ve asked for advice from my mom and she acts like she doesn’t know how to help but I know very well if I was born her daughter she would know how to help me

I could go on for longer but this is probably my longest post on this app ever if you have read all of this thank you

I’m feeling confused because well I feel bad about he him pronouns and I feel weird with she her and they them is just wrong for me if non of those work what the hell I’m I? Also my name Adalyn it doesn’t feel like my name anymore and too be honest it never really felt like my name I love the name but does it really fit me do I deserve a name like that do I look like an Adalyn? I used to think I was genderfluid but I believe I did that out of uncertainty but in the times I get confused I sometimes think maybe thats just because I really am gender fluid to a certain extent or something I’m not sure I’m kind just confused maybe it’s because I’m having imposter syndrome and I feel like I can’t be a woman no matter how hard I try and I cope that by denying myself and my truth I feel crazy at times too a lot actually I feel like it really isn’t possible to be a woman I wanna be cis I wanna be a girl with out transitioning I wish that i didn’t have too choose between living a life worth living and possibly giving up job opportunities relationships friendships ect and i sometimes feel like this is a curse as bad as all of that sounds this is just glimpse into what I think sometimes it’s not even consciously it’s just I feel it I just feel like I’ll never be able to shake off the guy in me I feel like there is no escaping that i am a guy deep down i just feel like the truth at least for me is that I’ll never be who I so deeply wanna be and I’ll always be a guy even if i change everything about myself i don’t know I just feel like even with all the knowledge and all the things I’ve learned and I know like I still think like this why? Like I feel like weird because i know that I can be a woman I’m just gonna stop thinking and go to sleep this probably makes no sense but probably also makes sense

I’m so tired of being a boy I’m tired of being seen as someone I’m not I’m tired of lacking feminine features I’m tired of having no one to talk to I’m tired of my only escape is work and I work and work and work I took the day off and I had a horrible day I felt like I was useless and I just got dysphoric and doing nothing makes me stop and think about what’s wrong the world is so fucked rn I buy outfits that ill never have confidences to wear out and even if I do will I look pretty will others think I’m pretty will others see me as a girl will I see myself as a girl? I wish that my own affirmation was enough but it isn’t
But even when people affirm me I don’t believe it maybe it’s just because I feel like the people around me don’t really affirm me or really think that I’m a girl I’m just the trans girl guy friend that thinks he is a girl

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All my friends I feel don’t reach out and when ever I call with them or try to contact them I basically feel like an outsider making new friends forget it my irl friends have faded away the dynamic has changed and it seems like every time we hang out all together it doesn’t end up well so what I ends up happening is I have nothing to look forward to and that makes me feed like shit and like I have gender dysphoria on top of feeling depressed soooo yeah idk that’s how my life is right now I’m a “out” trans girl that is depressed all the time and doesn’t know where she’s going no support no friends and nothing to look forward to she works herself to death because that’s the only thing that can distract her from her issues