r/selfesteem

I see myself in the mirror and think, ‘oh, i look cute today” maybe on good days im a 8.5/10 and normal days, a 6/10. But then i see a photo or picture of me and i think ‘damn, im fucking ugly’. on good days i MIGHT be a 4/10. i just look so fucking asymmetrical.
I’ve been so insecure about it. I feel so ugly, and in a world of beautiful people, where looks are everything, I feel pointless. My friends and family have said I’m pretty, but I feel like they’re obligated to say it because they don’t want to hurt me. I’ve tried to look for the asymmetry in the mirrors and I just don’t see it. I feel like I’ll never find a boyfriend or husband. I’ve heard of the mere exposure effect and stuff, but I just feel so ugly, and I feel like how I look in photos is how I look to everyone.
I think part of it is that I’ve been rejected once, and it really messed me up. But I just struggle to feel pretty.

My boyfriend and I have only been in a relationship for a few months. It’s been great so far! He’s good at communication and he really does treat me well. Think honeymoon and pink clouds.

But I can’t help shake off the feeling of guilt for dating him. I don’t exactly get jealous or anything when he hangs with his girl friends, I know it’s completely platonic and he assures me that it is without me asking, but I feel bad that someone like me is keeping him from liking a cooler, cuter, funnier or prettier girl who is better at games or who can keep up with his interests.

I’ve only ever had experience with friendships, so the thought of him being only able to commit to one person and that one person being ME of all people is extremely overwhelming.
How do I get rid of this feeling? It’s driving me up a wall that has me acting avoidant sometimes and I really want things to work out between us.

Even when he tells me the reasons he likes me, none of them stick. I can’t seem to understand why he chose me at all lol.

If it’s any help, this is my very first relationship so I’m taking it one step at a time!

Thank you for reading (｡ ́︿ ̀｡), have a good day.

Im writing this cause of a recent realization I had which made me so angry at myself. Recently I was working at this cafe and it was my first time working so I was very nervous/excited. I had this coworker lets call him Joe. 90% of my shifts were with him so we spent a lot of time together and I could tell that joe didn’t like me much. We had nothing in common and I could tell he was bored working with me. So I would try to talk about stuff that I know he’s interested in to keep him entertained. It would work for like 10 mins but it never made him like me. Around 2 weeks later a new guy started working and on the very first day they clicked like they were joking around chit chatting and they would not involve me. It made me really sad cause I was trying so hard to get along and the new guy just did it so effortlessly. And sometimes while we are working together Joe would be like you stay outside we got the kitchen and it would be always me who goes outside cause they have more fun together. And I was feeling sad about this for weeks and suddenly it hit me, I don’t even like Joe. He’s rude, grumpy, sexist, conservative and just not someone I would get along with. Then why do I care what he thinks of me why am I trying to entertain him so he can be less bored with me? im so mad at myself and I realized I’ve done this before with people I don’t like and I cant break the pattern. Does anyone have any advice to stop doing this?

Ive tried to raise my self esteem by hitting the gym, talking to new ppl, challenging myself and i still feel low self worth and poor confidence. On the other hand, i know ppl that are on drugs, or are not challenging themselves, not leaving to the status quo of society, yet they seem to have higher thoughts of themselves.

My question is why do those people have better confidence than me, and here i am, trying to prove myself evidence to just get a small glimpse of better self esteem yet not believing it

If so, why’s causing you to lack in self confidence? Wanna hear more perspective

For me, in spite of good physique I am short, never dated before and always struggle to hold conversation with ladies around my age group.

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I have the week off and thought maybe I could go the beach with my little siblings but I just tried on some swimsuits and I feel so fat and embarrassed and just ashamed of myself. I’m self tanning right now and so I’m in a bra and panties and even that is making so disgusting. And I know being skinny is back in fashion again and I just can’t stand to look at myself right now. The thought of other people seeing me that way too hurts. But I don’t want to miss out on probably having a good time or relaxing on my week long break.

Idk I’m just so sad.

I’ve always struggled with self esteem, I’d go as far to say I hate myself deeply. I just can’t break the cycle of comparing all my failures to people’s successes, especially when it comes to wealth and lifestyle, relationships to a degree as I’m pretty lonely.

I know it’s ruining my life and I’ve tried things like therapy but it just doesn’t work. I’m 26 this year and feel like I’ve done absolutely nothing of worth, I want to change, I’ve tried to change. But I fear I’ve just gotten so comfortable like this it will take mountains of effort to ever be “normal”

Anyway, just a little rant because I don’t feel like burdening my friends with my bullshit lol.

Mom of 2 here. My body has definitely changed since having kids but I haven't minded a great deal. I recently started going to physical therapy because I was having a ton of hip pain and the solution (PT wise) has been to "turn my glutes back on". I guess I had "mom butt" (when the glutes stop working because they were overworked and shut down from the change in distribution in weight while pregnant).

Long story short, I've been feeling so much better! Much less pain! I was wondering if all the glutes workouts made my back side look any different so I asked my husband and he said my butt looks less "saggy" and also said something about my butt being flabby.

I was kind if shocked because I never thought of myself as flabby. Again I knew my body had changed from pregnancy but flabby is kind of an intense word. It's not a term I ever use or even think of to describe anyone. I was shocked he said this to me.

Now I kind of don't know what to do and sort of just feel like crap.

My body is literally boring. I don’t have any curves my ribs are literally rectangle shaped. I have no hips. My body is just straight up and down. I wish I was thick like other black women. 🙄😒 I am actually built like a man and my body doesn’t look feminine at all.. maybe I need some hormone therapy meds. Transwomen who take meds look more feminine than me from some of the videos i used to see on tiktok. I’m a biological woman.

The context:

For anyone who didn't see the original post, this is a response to anonymous, who posted the following question along with some photos of himself and then later deleted it.

I completely respect the decision to delete the post. I also felt his question deeply and what it suggested about the things he might have believed to be true about himself. At least, it spoke to things I have believed to be true about myself, in the past, and to some extent, even now.

If you're OP and you would like me to delete this, please reach out and I will happily delete the post. In the meantime, I do hope you see my response and I deeply hope it means something to you, or to anyone else who is feeling similarly about themselves.

I am not speaking to the experience of feeling ugly, but to the experience of feeling like your value as a human is dependent on something you feel is inherently and inseparably part of who you are.

With compassion and respect,

u/HmmVerrryCurious

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The original question posted earlier today.

"(30M) I know I'm ugly and below average, I'd like some advice on how I could gain confidence and worry less about it"

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My Response:

I feel like people in the comments are saying two main things that aren't very helpful. And (possibly) even a little destructive even though I think they all have the absolute best intentions.

The 1st thing:

"You just need to lose weight and gain muscle" the top comment.

The problem: This validates the thing you're feeling, and also does you the kindness of saying it's not a problem with you inherently but a problem with how you are at the moment. It does, also, unfortunately say that it agrees that your problem is your physical appearance.

The 2nd thing:

"You're not ugly".

The problem: This is nice! But also just invalidates the thing you're feeling. You basically said 'I don't feel confident, but....' while asking a question here in r/self compassion. I think that means you already don't think that how you look is the whole answer to confidence. Being told you're not ugly, while probably really nice to hear, is also not helping solve for things that are making you feel ugly which, if I were to take a guess, might has to do with feeling like the people around you don't value you or feeling disconnected from the kind of connection and intimacy with those around you that you need as a human being to feel safe and happy.

Again.

The fact that you're asking this question in the self compassion sub reddit I think means that you already know that being confident, and feeling below average or ugly isn't entirely about how hot or chopped you are, or are not. But, you're also totally right that we live in a world where physical appeal is VERY wrapped up in confidence and can obviously help with confidence.

So, real quick, why I think I might be able to help with your question:

I'm also 30M, I'm overweight, broke as fuck (I'm trying to start a business, don't at me), but I also have multiple thriving friend groups (made up of both men and women, of different socioeconomic status, and culture.) and a happy relationship with an incredible woman. I also have done a LOT of self compassion work over the last 18 months specifically using the work of Dr. Kristin Neff and a DBT approach to the therapeutic self learning and growth process. I also have a background in communications and marketing which actually helps here.

So, here's my take:

I'm not going to try to say physical attractiveness or aesthetic doesn't matter. It does, obviously. But I think that the thing that the looks maxing team just doesn't understand is that aesthetic, attractiveness, etc is not one thing. Aesthetic and beauty and hotness can be attained in a buuuuuunch of different ways and the fact that a lot of people think of being attractive as one final goal is over simplifying things in a way that makes actually becoming both attractive and confident, way harder than it needs to be.

So, if I were to say "you're not ugly" (which I do believe to be objectively true), being told the thing you fear is actually true, is not true, is nice and all but it doesn't really help you with what you're feeling. Especially if it's being said by random people on the Internet who you don't have a super deep relationship with.

My argument is basically that attractiveness (i.e. being a version of yourself that is able to access the kinds of care, connection, and intimacy that will make you feel the way you want to feel, wether that's loved, powerful, or even just.. safe.) is not physical aesthetic, it's literally just aura, and physical appearance is just an ingredient.

I think the feeling of being ugly or below average is working off the assumption you can accumulate aura JUST through becoming more physically attractive. Becoming more physically attractive helps but the question I think we're forgetting is 'attractive to who?'. The easy answer is basically everyone. Who doesn't want to be universally attractive? Okay, valid but don't forget, when you're 'for' everyone, you're for no one, in particular. And don't get me wrong, it can be charming to have a cheerful 80 year old woman think you're hot but I'm going to guess that's probably not your main target audience.

If you're trying to eat

- Walmart is for everyone.

-A three Michelin star fine dining experience, is not for everyone.

-A hot meal prepared for you perfectly by someone you love, who knows your tastes, on a day you're sick in bed when you need it most.... is not for everyone.

Now, if I were to guess, I suspect you're probably not trying to be Walmart.

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Now hear me out on this last bit:

If attractiveness is aura, then what is aura?

It's not just generally ''charisma". That's also part of it, yes. But again, not the whole story. 

Aura is connection. Aura is 'a relationship' in it's most fundamental and basic form. When someone who is incredibly attractive walks into a room, they don't turn heads because they're attractive. They turn heads because they walk in the door with a promise.

If you interact with me, you might get something you want.

And to be extremely clear I am not talking about sex, or not ONLY sex. Our culture's relationship with sex is complicated because our culture's relationship with desire is complicated. Just like our culture's relationship with closeness and vulnerability (especially true for people raised as men) is complicated. So when an attractive person walks in the door and starts turning heads, people aren't only thinking about sex. Sure, some are, but even then! People who tend to focus solely on sex usually aren't actually focusing on just the physical gratification of sex. Usually they're focusing on is what having sex means about themselves. Does this guy fuck? Can he? Is he valuable enough to have access to the sexuality and intimacy of others?

All that still comes down to how we feel about ourselves and how others see and understand us. So when a hot person walks in the room and becomes a center of gravity. They're not promising the potential of sex, they're promising the potential for *you* to be more of what you think is valuable.

Maybe that's sex and everything that comes with it (and what it says about you). Maybe that's being someone who people want to be around, who people admire, and who people respect. Maybe that's being the kind of person who people will fight for and stand by through all kinds of shit and uncertainty.

We understand the world through the stories we tell ourselves about what is true... And we understand Ourselves through the stories we tell ourselves about what is true. Well also take bits of the stories other people tell us about ourselves and write them into our own.

Attractiveness, aura, is the story someone starts telling themselves about you, when they are around you, and how that makes them feel. I'm smart, I'm dumb, I'm adventurous, I'm scared, I'm strong, I'm incompetent, I'm attractive, I'm ugly, I'm below average.

If someone who you find attractive gives you attention, you're probably going to feel a little bit more valuable, a little bit more confident.

It's the story you're telling yourself about what is valuable, and what interacting with that makes you believe or feel about yourself.

My theory:

The fact that you don't feel confident, I don't think means you're below average or ugly. I think it just says that there is something you want or need that you do not have.

If you had people in your life who, who you valued and respected, who saw you as attractive and told you so on a consistent basis, I'm going to take a swing and say you'd probably feel a lot less ugly.

Like with most things, 80% or more of every solution is just in finding the right question.

So when you say you want to become more confident, I think that buried inside that, buried inside the version of you that wants the answer to the problem you're trying to solve is a better question.

The question you asked here is basically:

1. I have a goal. 2. I have a thing I believe to be a blocker. 3. How do achieve my goal, with the blocker in my way.

2. I want to feel more confident. 2. I believe I am ugly and or below average. 3. How do I feel more confident when I feel held back by how I look?

So if we look at the question from a different angle, it might start to suggest a way forward:

1. I want to value myself more and/or have the people around me value me more. 2. I feel like my lack of ability to feel and perform confidence is blocking that, and I believe that my physical appearance is (at least partially) responsible for that. 3. How do I feel more valuable, when I'm worried that's not possible given my physical appearance?

So I guess, I would ask you:

Why do you feel like physical appearance is the thing in your way?

And you can only really answer that by understanding how you got to feeling the way you're feeling now.

The questions that might help:

How does being in a relationship with you feel to the other person? (I mean like any relationship: Friendship, romantic relationship, family relationship, teacher/student relationship, etc.)

Is there a way you're forming relationships, or treating, or interacting with the people around you that makes them feel like physicality is the only thing you could have your value judged on?

Or is that something you have only decided is true for yourself, nevermind what they think?

Have you decided that the only way you can feel valued and respected by yourself or others is based on your physical attractiveness or fitness?

Are there friends or relationships you have that are telling you the only way that you can be valued is physical?

Is there something in the culture of the place you live that's telling you your body is the only way you can have value?

Note: If you live in the United States or Europe you're probably dealing with a little bit of a stacked deck here, too. Odds are decent you live in a culture that depends on the fact that you don't feel valuable to make sure that we don't advocate for ourselves, our rights, the value of our labor. The world many of us live in depends on the fragility of the friendships, and relationships, and the community around us. All relationships made fragile because we now measure each other with a ruler someone beat us with and then handed to us, then told us to measure those around us based on what *it* has decided is valuable.

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Conclusion (where confidence comes from and create it for/in yourself):

(Reddit says this comment is way too long (facts) and so I have to drop the last bit in a reply to this comment, sorry!)

Confidence comes from the relationships in our lives, how they make us feel and how we make them feel. Confidence comes from the trust we have in ourselves and our ability to be what we believe is valuable. Confidence comes from the relationships and beliefs that have shaped our understanding of what is valuable in the first place.

I think the real solution for what you're struggling with probably exists in the questions above, and taking the time to think through them, reflect on them and ask them of yourself now, 6 months from now, 6 years from now as you change and grow as a person and your relationship with yourself and with others also changes and grows.

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But one final thought. If you want a little bit of a shortcut to feeling confident?

Find someone around you, a friend, a grandma, literally a person at the checkout at the store or IDK. like a librarian or a teacher or something. And figure out how to help them feel like they matter, like they have value, even if it's in a tiny way. Look for the things in others that make them uniquely who they are, through their choices, and tell them you think that has value. Look for things that are true about other people, even small things, and help them tell themselves a story about themselves that helps them feel like more of what they believe is valuable.

You gain confidence by believing a thing you think is valuable, is also true about yourself. And proving to yourself repeatedly that is an intrinsic part of who you are.

You clearly feel like feeling confident is valuable. If you can give that feeling of confidence, of belief in their own value, to others. That certainly could help.

If you want to hack confidence, even if you can't be the kind of confident you want to be for yourself (yet), practice helping other people feel that way.

In that practice, with time, I think you'll eventually figure out how to give that to yourself.

Hi people, I was working at a takeout pasta spot for 2 years. And few days ago started at a high send steakhouse on entree. Everyday Im making mistakes and keep forgetting something or the other. Today, I seared the beef skewer and plated it and put it out in the pass cold from inside. This is just one of the things. I feel like I should probably start from the bottom as I am not able to do things properly. All the other cooks there are really good at their job. The guy with me on the broiler is super nice about everything, explaining things again and again and being really patient with me. But I feel like I don’t belong and I did a fraud with the chef saying I have 2 years of experience in the kitchen.
The guy on the pasta was telling me a few days ago, that I should be the best worker for first 3-4 months or else Im going to be fired. Im trying my best but everyday I just keep messing up. Just wanted to share it with someone

Hi, I’m 24F.

I would like responses that don’t include just reduce your screen time (It’s only like this because I have time off) or just be yourself!

Right now, I spend most of my time in bed on my phone. My screen time is usually around 10 hours a day, sometimes up to 15. This is a big issue, but even when I’m not using my phone as escapism, I still end up isolating myself. During these 10-15 hours I still don’t respond to friends etc.

I tend to avoid people because of how I feel when I’m around them. I don’t feel like I’m being myself, and I have this strong belief that my “real” self isn’t very likeable. I also notice I often see the worst in people, so I end up feeling like if I fully showed how I think and feel, it wouldn’t go well.
I think I’ve developed a really unhealthy pattern when it comes to socialising, and I don’t really know how to break it.

Like with money stuff, I’ll offer to pay for things and then insist they don’t pay me back, but later I end up resenting it silently. And it’s not even like they forced me, it was my own choice. I could’ve just said no. But in the moment I feel weirdly ashamed or uncomfortable letting people pay me back or not offering in the first place.

Then with new friends it just becomes a habit really quickly and I start thinking if I suddenly change it’ll look weird or fake, like “why is she acting different now?” so I just carry on even when I don’t actually want to.

Another thing is I can’t really control how I look when I’m out. My words are overly positive but my face apparently shows how I actually feel. So I end up basically performing being fine, trying to look happy, acting like I’m enjoying it, but it doesn’t match. I only found out recently from my sister that it’s obvious, I’m not fooling anyone.

Then after I go out I just overthink everything and feel really ashamed of myself and like I’m draining to be around or just this negative person. Then I decide I should just avoid people because clearly I’m better off alone, and then the cycle repeats.
I don’t really know how to break it, I just know it’s making me avoid people more and more.

TL;DR:
I have a pattern of people-pleasing in social situations (especially around paying for things and acting overly positive), then I feel resentment and shame afterwards. I also tend to overthink how I come across, mask my true feelings, and end up avoiding people, which creates a cycle of isolation and overthinking. I’m trying to understand how to break this pattern rather than just “be myself” or “use my phone less.”

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I'm 19F and i've struggled with low self esteem my whole life but it's affecting me more now that I'm older. I always second guess myself in everything i do. i feel so ugly every time even on days when i put in effort to feel pretty, the thought lingers. I'm ashamed to exist in public. i just feel like my whole existence is putrid. I feel like I will never become the woman of my dreams and i know this is false because everyone can become a better person if they put in the work. I really want to be better and im asking anyone who was in the same situation to please share how they got themselves out.

I want to learn how to stop caring about what people say about me. I feel like it’s a lot harder to stop caring about what you hear people say about you, rather than what you assume they’re thinking about you. Usually the advice given is “people aren’t thinking about you because they’re more concerned with their own lives,” but when you know for a fact that they are talking about you behind your back, the advice doesn’t work as well. How can I learn to stop caring about what people say?

Im ugly, im an ugly dude, people have treated me shit.

Everyone says its personality what matters but ive tried so many personalities and its just not working.
And then i just see people who are good looking have the worst personality, or theyre extremely boring or whatever just succeed.

Im truly convinced, atleast from my personal experience that looks genuinely do matter.
I truly guarantee if i was good looking i wouldnt have this issue.

I have a decent physique, its just im ugly in the face. I dont really get looks or compliments from women.
I dont have much friends, i have maybe 1 or 2 that talk to me.
People who used to be my friend are socially distant without any explanation theyre just gone like that
I cant even take photos of myself without just looking with disgust

I just hate that atleast my life is like this.
Everyday im just self conscious about my looks, fixing my hair doing skin care doing everything and nothing fucking works.

I just need some advice on proving my mindset otherwise.

I truly cannot be the only one who thinks this.

I started talking to someone I met on a dating app and we had a nice conversation, we were joking, being a bit flirty and everything was going fine. But now that I have revealed my face to the person, I feel incredibly insecure. They didn't comment about the pic neither positively or negatively, but my brain interprets it as if they find me unattractive. I'm confident enough to send a picture of my face, but I experience such insecurity once I do.

I kinda don't wanna ask: 'You don't find me attractive?' cause I don't want to appear insecure. But I don't know what to do.

I've hated myself for as long as I can remember, and I feel so hated, so I think that's why I hate myself. So, yeah, does anyone have any advice?