r/selfesteem

Hi girls! I have a situation with some longtime female friends, and I’m curious to hear how you would see it.

I’ve known two of my friends since high school. Back then, I was much more shy and reserved, and honestly, I didn’t put much emphasis on clothes, makeup, beauty, etc. I also didn’t grow up with a mother who was very focused on those things. My mom worked all the time and simply didn’t have much time to spend on herself, go to salons, or teach me much about beauty and fashion.

In our friend group, these two girls would often point out that I didn’t dress well, didn’t do my makeup properly, or that I should do this or that differently. At the time, I probably was less experienced with those things, and I think I somehow accepted that role within the group.

But many years have passed since then. From my perspective, I’ve changed and grown a lot. I’m much more confident, I take care of myself, I’ve developed my own style and preferences, and overall I’m happy with the woman I’ve become.

The problem is that they still seem to talk to me as if I’m that same insecure, inexperienced girl from high school.

Almost every piece of “advice” comes across as condescending. What I wear isn’t right, something I choose isn’t right, and if I say I like something, they’ll sometimes explain why it’s actually not a good choice. It’s not the fact that they give me advice that bothers me. I’m completely fine with people having different opinions or telling me when they genuinely think something could be better. It’s the tone and the constant feeling that they position themselves as the ones who “know better,” while I’m still the one who needs to be taught.

It’s starting to make me wonder whether some friendships get stuck in an old version of who we used to be. No matter how much you grow or change, people who knew you during a certain period of your life may continue to see you through that same lens.

Have you ever experienced this with longtime friends? And how do you tell the difference between a friend genuinely trying to help you and someone using “advice” as a way to feel superior or keep you in a certain role?

= since I was a kid I wanted something that I could never have

Some people tell me that I look okay and stuff like "you're just average" and that hurts me even more

These days I feel even worse cuz they took pictures of me at an event my nose looked big and my face looked asymmetric in a way I don't see in the mirror

In the mirror I look fine, but every time I see pictures taken of me esp. using back cameras I feel ugly, depressed and like life is not worth living

I have a choirmate who looks incredibly pretty and every time I look at his pics or at him I feel very bad about myself

Sometimes I think I'm not going to have a boyfriend cuz of that no personality no remarkable looks nothing special . I'm fine with someone being smarter funnier richer but not prettier than me

And that could never change

that's it

genuinely curious because we’re very good at tracking what’s left. unfinished tasks, goals, habits, things we should be better at. we’re much worse at looking back and going yeah, actually, i did pretty well this week. so I did this app called Winsphere, where now I track all my small wins. Love to see my personal progress.

So I (16F) want to figure out how other people see me and what they would categorize me as on attractiveness and personality or like in general.Why?Because I genuinely don’t know if Ím ugly,I think Ím mid as I don’t have anyone saying positive or negative things about my appearance.One person I have asked is my grandma and she has always been quite honest and she said ˋˋyou are not a beauty and that’s okay,not evryone has to be pretty‘‘.So is there anythung that indicates this for me?I mostly care about the physical aspect,because I am quite closed off,I know that I don’t have an appealing or attractive personality.The only features Íve gotten compliments on are my eyes and eyebrows.So how can I figure this out without posting myself online or asking someone directly ?I have even tried generative AI,but it doesn’t really give a clear answer and I don’t want to pay for something like FaceLabsAI.Please what are indicators and what are questions I can ask myself? I am not criticizing .

My mom told me i am ugly while compared to my cousins and neighbours kids. I look like a short human infront of them. Sometimes it breaks my heart really cried from the inside. Once she crossed the border she told that I am ugly infront of my elder cousin (moms sisters son) I know his character. He would told it to everyone don't know what to do really dead inside 🥲 I really wish I was dead (18 year old M)

For context im 5’7 or 5’8 as a guy. Ive dates mostly taller women. I don’t understand a lot of short guys and tall girls on social media having hatred for each other or making fun of each other. The way I see it is, both short guys and tall girls are deemed “unattractive” or, “undesirable” by society. The fact that short guys hate on tall women and vice versa, then 10 minutes later both parties go online and complain about their height is really funny to me. Like bro we’re in the same boat 😭. Instead of hating on someone because of their height like other people have hated on us we should kinda stick together since we are both, “the odd ones out” in society.

(sorry for my english)

I know that in my friendgroup im the ugliest and like maybe a 6/10 and i have accepted it but the thing is that yesterday me and my best friend we were talking about a trend about asking ia to rank you looks on pictures, I didnt mind it much but the thing is that she send a picture where i look blury with a ugly expresion meanwhile she looks way better than the rest of the people in the picture. Mind you i was so drunk in the middle of a park at night so the photo obviously wasnt that good but she said that it was the best picture we have where we are the group togheter with light in our faces (and yeah we dont have almost any good picture but like i think she could have found a better one)

So she sended that picture to the ia and told it to be ruthless and then send me a message where this is what it said about me and the ranking of the four of us

4. The guy on the right (brown hair, red sweater, face like “they're taking a picture of me”)

The good: …
(awkward silence)
He has eyes with a decent shape and his hair gives him a bit of movement.

The bad (I’m not going to hold back here):
His skin looks like a war zone. Active acne, marks, uneven texture… it looks like he’s just been beaten with a nail file. The “pursed lips” expression makes his face look like he’s about to cry or fart. His jawline gets lost, his forehead is high, and overall he gives off the impression of “face of someone who hasn’t slept in three days + untreated skin problems.”

Rating: 4.7/10

He’s by far the weakest-looking person in the group. He’s not monstrously ugly, but in this particular photo he’s managing to show all of his possible flaws at once. His skin is taking off two whole points and the expression another one.

Final ranking (most attractive to least attractive):

1. Girl in the center → 7.2 (her)
2. Girl on the left → 6.8
3. Guy in the back → 6.5
4. Guy on the right → 4.7

I mean i know that im average at best but I think that sending something like this is so rude and it has break the little selfsteam i had, plus every time she tolds me that shes insecure about something i always reasure her but when i said something she never has said anything god back so i dont know what to feel because i guess that this maybe isnt that deapth but i feel so insecure now and its been a long journey to acept me as i am to feel so bad for something like these

Am I overrreacting?

I am using this space let some thoughts out of my chest as I have been unable to console myself. Hoping to make sense of my situation

My marriage of three years ended because I didn't put more effort into my physical self after my husband repeatedly requested for me to look more "interesting". At the start of our marriage, I did what I could to make myself more appealing, which worked but naturally after living together and sharing the same space for a while, I opted and chose to embrace my natural habitat instead of putting on make up, having my hair done, and wearing clothes just to entice him. I didn't think much of it, but I could see the effects of me looking plain and undesirable taking a toll on my husband. He lost all care and interest in building a future together with me and has blamed me for it.

I very well understand that I sound like a person with zero self respect and self worth, and that my husband should love me no matter what, but right now it does not matter how I see myself. Because when he told me outright that he was unable to see a future with me, I packed my bags and left him the same day. My self-respect side took action and left in the moment of emotion, instead of proving myself to him.

Now a month later, I am grieving my home, my life and the future that I dreamt off with him. I am blaming myself for not listening and trying to live up to his "standards". I now believe that I am undesirable and too ugly to find another man in my 30s. I certainly did not envision my life to turn out like this.

Again, I sound like a desperate fool, but I truly cannot stop thinking of the 'what ifs"

I fucking hate what I am sometimes, whatever the fuck I do I always have the feeling that I will never loose. I can't even fucking win something in Star Wars Unlimited. Everyone is beating my ass.

Whatever I create I think it's not enough, I want to do more. I find It cringe, Stupid and despite I continue. Since I was a kid I usually try to build worlds where I can create something that matters or where I can be something else than the fucking self hating himself piece of shit that I am.

I win sometimes, but I think it's not enough, I want to win more, I want to show that I have the balls to do that despite being a fucking weak piece of shit.

It as been long since i've talked to a therapist, Im sometimes wondering what I can say to her without sounding like a moron.

I want to be recognized, I want my parents to be proud of me, I want to show them that I AM CAPABLE, I AM FUCKING CAPABLE ! WHY THE FUCK I HAVE THE FEELING THAT I DESERVE BETTER AND I DESERVE TO BE FORGIVEN BECAUSE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT ?!

hey so i’ve been noticing allot recently kids and teens are feeling pressured to change themselves and be someone else because of society and if ur one of these kids i hope u know changing ur self will only hurt you kiddo. be your self and don’t let other people make you some mask when i was in high school i use to be a bright happy kid until second year and i started wearing makeup and lashes and acting really horrible. i hung around this girl who im not blaming but she made me horrible and i started changing my self i lost touch of who i was and this ruins you so please know your truly perfect and it may not feel like this right now but please understand the most “prettiest” girls or the most “popular” guys u see with this mask and fake show they put on. they hate themselves. and if u notice ur starting to feel the same way then im so sorry and i know it’s easier said that done to be ur self because of bullies and standards. but i promise once u leave high school it will get better and im sorry u have to deal with this pain i know its scary and the standards are so high and i understand this so much but dont loose ur self because of this be loving and nice be the person who makes everyone feel safe and happy when u walk into a room people see you as beautiful/handsome because of ur confidence and personality. trust me. the bullies u see with all these freind’s are not liked. they may have loads of friends but a freind to all is a freind to none and they will realise after high school that looks can’t get u what being a good person can. i’m going off topic though so love ur self and be ur self because ur truly perfect. and u can always ask for help in the comments as me and others who know how this feels will support you i promise. your loved. and u may not realise this now but i guarantee when u grow up u will know exactly how true these words are.

I graduated from high school in 2025, and I really messed up since then. I didn't get a job, I went to my uni classes sometimes, and most of the time I spent isolated at home. I didn't take care of myself at all, and I feel really guilty about this, especially. I had braces and was supposed to get my overbite fixed, and I'm not sure why I continued the treatment, but I completely messed up my face because of it. It's a noticeable downgrade, and I've gotten negative feedback from people who know me. As a girl, this choice has bothered me since I noticed a significant difference. I feel guilty and embarrassed about it. I feel like it is proof of how poorly I treated myself during this time. How can I move on from all the guilt and try to forget about this?

hi, i’m so embarrassed to text here and i don’t think anyone will waste their time on me, but idk what else to do anymore and i need to vent. basically, i’m a tall girl (5’11) and i can’t stand myself any longer. i’m really insecure. when i go outside, everyone stares at me, but people who approach me always say nice stuff, so i shouldn’t have a problem, but then when i get online, i only see people saying bad stuff about girls my height and it makes me feel horrible. besides that, i live in spain, and there’s no girls like me anywhere, i’ve always felt like an alien among my friends. also i physically don’t look spanish at all as i have very fair skin, i’m blonde and i have blue eyes… my girl friends have always excluded me, and girls have always treated me badly (pushing me, making comments…)

it’s gotten to a point were i feel so lonely, since i’m very shy and i actually don’t have many friends or people to talk to. i’ve been insecure since i was 10 and i’m about to turn 18. i’ve never told anyone. there’s been many days in which i can’t even get out of home bc i feel like a monster. i also avoid everyone when i go outside, specially guys. i’ve never had a boyfriend, i believe that if i had one, id make their life hell as i’m abnormal and every guy deserves a normal girlfriend. i’ve pushed away guys who liked me bc of that, and i’ve also unintentionally push friends away as well bc when i go outside i’m always sad and quiet, and people don’t like to be around someone like that.

i’ve been a model since i was a kid, and even tho that should make me feel better and more confident, it doesn’t. i believe that i might be pretty but i’m not perfect because of my height, that it ruins everything and ill never be able to be perfect since i can’t change it.

i’m aware that this insecurity is fueled by social media, but it’s impossible for me to delete the apps or just forget about the comments i’ve read. it’s almost like i seek them myself, like an obsession, and then i get depressed all over again… i’ve tried to stop multiple times but it’s so hard…

is there any way to feel better with myself?

also, i’m sorry but if anyone actually reads this and it’s not a lot to ask for, could you just drop some advice? i really don’t have anyone to talk to and leaving this in the internet really embarrasses me. i would really appreciate it, thank you!

All of my friends say I’m gorgeous and pretty and whatever but I’ve never been asked out in person. Last time I tried to lose ‘ just 5kg’ I was hospitalised. In a way I want to do it again but I don’t. Man I hate my life

i didnt get into my dream program, instead got into a normal ass program. I work super hard to up my gpa but no matter what I do i never went up my peers, my friends. It kills me, i didn’t get those internships while all my friends have completed 2-3, ik its all on me but honestly what should i do? Im so soo so insecure im even working on myself. Im fucking myself by my own hands.

The grass is always greener, but it’s hard to tell when I’m color-blinded by comparison. Pleaseee share any and all tips.

I am 22F and I feel awful about myself in every aspect. I feel so trapped. I feel like I don't like anything about myself. I find myself annoying, ugly, unlovable, dumb, awkward, untalented etc...I feel like it makes me feel like a bad friend, every time someone shares something good that happens to them or I notice something admirable about them I just feel this intense sadness it almost feels selfish. I feel like I am always stuck in this cycle of being really ambitious then getting easily overwhelmed or procrastinating or being too sad to do anything which is followed by the realization that I didn't do anything I aspired to do and getting extremely upset and wanting to give up on life. It feel like I am stuck in a prison I built and I don't know how to get out. I missed so many opportunities because of it. I feel like I don't deserve the life I've been given and someone smarter and nicer and more talented deserves the opportunities I've wasted.

I am the type of person to feel sadness extremely deeply its almost painful, I am extremely sensitive and I feel like its so hard to navigate such big emotions I just end up getting an extreme urge to throw up or self-harm. This feeling is all consuming sometimes. I feel like I am wasting my life away.

I just feel like there isn't any actual proof I am not worthless. I never get complimented for my looks or style. I never got approached in person or asked out I don't think anyone has ever had a crush on me or liked me (outside of one relationship I was in but I was the one that initiated everything) I tried a dating app and I almost never get matches from people I like. My CGPA sucks I did improve my term GPA but I still have a terrible CGPA. I feel like I make such an effort to make friends but no one does the same or tries to befriend me. I don't have any talent I have hobbies that I don't do much and do badly.

When I talk to one of my friends about it, they try to reassure me but it doesn't help much like they say that I shouldn't be hurt that I don't get approached or complimented but they do all the time. They have better grades and are funnier and more talented. They have gone through worse than me but didn't let that stop them. Its not just that one friend I feel like all my friends and people my age that I came across are much better. I hate when I'm told that these measures shouldn't matter when they fit all of them. I get told that I shouldn't care about my looks or grades because it makes me feel worse it feels like something you would tell someone who is ugly or dumb. And when they do try to tell me I'm pretty or smart it doesn't help much because you are only saying it because of what I told you, it feels so forced.

Any time something extremely mild happens that may trigger an insecurity my brain decides to essentially replay every instance in my past that proves that I am worthless, every negative thing someone said or did to me to prove that, and relay every other unrelated insecurity. So what starts of as something mild turns into a spiral extremely quickly and it is extremely hard to shut down.

I try to logic my way out of this but it is extremely hard and almost all consuming and overwhelming.

I would love some advice especially from those who experienced the same thing. I already am in therapy but only recently started discussing this particular issue.