Post from an emotional abuser.
Living in hell. Can't forgive myself. She never will.
Posted this in a few subs to get some different perspectives. I hope it belongs here.
I treated someone who loved me terribly for the final years of our relationship. I became complacent with her doing everything for us while I slipped deeper into addiction. I wasn't born a narcissist and I've since gotten sober and improved through therapy but I behaved like a toxic nightmare. She loved me so much and did everything to help until she couldnt anymore. Looking back I can remember how difficult it was for her to leave. She actually ugly cried about how she didnt want me to end up hating her. She promised she would never dissapear. When she actually left I lost my mind and said some of the most horrible things imaginable.
She never spoke to me again.
Ive tried so hard to talk to her again. In some of the most pathetic ways. She hasn't spoken to me in 6 years and I havent been able to move on. I don't know how to move on without being able to apologize. I feel like I'm worthless and I haven't even tried meeting anyone new. I feel like I dont deserve it but I just want to feel love again. I know it will never be hers but I hope I can heal to treat someone the way she deserved.
I wish I could earn her forgiveness or even an acknowledgement of my apology. Its so fucked up but I feel like I need her permission to move on with someone new as a consequence of hurting her. Like some twisted penance I have to carry out until she releases me from her debt. I hate myself.
I know she owes me nothing in terms of closure. I know my closure could even be traumatizing for her. I just miss her so much and I cant live with what I did to my best friend. The wave of warmth and light that would wash over me if she just sent me a text saying she accepts my apology would outshine any real joy ive had in my life in years. Its been so cold and unforgiving, literally. I know thats a fever dream of a thought though and pathetic beyond belief. Im so fucking sorry Nicole. I know we'll never speak.
Womp womp though right? Kids are dying around the world and Im getting what I deserve while she is probably living so well with me as a nothing but a distant bad memory that pops up once a year. How long is long enough to pay for what I've done? Fuck, Im sorry I hurt you. Im just so fucking sorry.
Figured id post this here and get a perspective on how fucking awful I am. It took me a long time to reconcile that I was an abuser and that it wasn't "just arguments and difficult times". I hope this is at least cathartic for some of you. Im broken and dont know how to heal.