u/Sure-Measurement2617

Hi all -
I’m mostly just venting because I’m still having a tough time.

I (M34) found out a year ago that my (F32) had essentially a side (texting, sexting, nudes) relationship with an ex fling for 2 years. It started 5 years into our 8 year relationship. We were friends for 12 years before we got together so we knew each other pretty well, or so I thought maybe.

I don’t know what made me go through her iPad, but I found two years worth of messages. On top of that her best friend told me that she was physical with at least one guy and had a half dozen guys in her Snapchat.

Long story short, I called it out, broke up with her. She begged and pleaded for me to not leave her and she started it when we were going through a MASSIVE rough patch. I wasn’t the best to her in those times, I was mentally sinking and didn’t realize how “out of touch” with life I really was. She unfortunately never told me in this time she was unhappy.

We worked things out over the span of about five months. She was telling me everything I needed to hear, I felt like things were better than ever and I was actually thinking about our future (marriage and kids). I was trying to make some big life changes, including how I treated her, how I acted, as well as I cut hours at work for us to spend quality time together which is what she told me she wanted. About three months into being back together, she was acting distant and being glued to her phone. One night I asked her who she was talking to, She told me a coworker messaged her on Facebook and asked her a question. I obviously got shitty about it and she got weird ever since.

Lo and behold, on a random Friday, she was texting me all weird, then disappeared. I checked her location and found her a coworkers house. And then called out and she came home and came up with all these excuses as to why we weren’t meant to be, and we were polar opposites, and her parents will never let me marry her anyway.

I walked out that night, and gave her some space. The next morning the camera is at the house went off and she was leaving at 6:30 AM. She had shut her location off, so I drove past the coworkers’s house and her car was there, she was there all weekend. That was in October and they’ve been together ever since.

I’ve also come to find out that she was constantly telling people over the four years that she was cheating on me how unhappy she was, which sounds to me like she was using it as a back up plan in case she got caught.
6 months later and I’m still left here like I got flash banged. And honestly, it still hurts. I did eventually after reconciliation realize I felt she really was my “soulmate and person”. I’m assuming this is an insane trauma bond which is why I still can’t let go.

I’ve been owning my own side of it through this time as well…finding out I have high level ADHD (the “anger” version as my therapist says). I have also been realizing my own faults in the relationship and honestly that has been killing me inside as well.

I haven’t tried to contact her in 5 months but it still hurts - and I’m not sure what hurts more, what she did or grieving the girl that I thought I knew.

I dunno, people are weird.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. This is purely a rant and venting but if you want to add anything, I’m open to support, specially on letting go and personal growth strategies. Thanks!

Edit 1:
- why did I take her back? Well, there were a few years I wasn’t the best, I treated her badly because I was under extreme stress because of my business; I was burned out and disassociated and wasn’t the best I could have been. I felt she deserved a second chance (as did I, I guess?). I also felt we were elementary school sweethearts, there was always chemistry between us and when we got together it felt “right”.

Hi everyone…

This is a vulnerable post for me but I think talking to a community could be helpful. I want to see if anyone has been through something similar and can offer insight.

It’s a bit long, so sorry in advance.

I’m a 34 year old male, and I just went through a relationship where my ex of 8 years, friends for 12 before that emotionally cheated for 3 years and eventually money branched. This is triggered a MASSIVE look inward and realization about how horrible I’ve been as a person - I need to change and need insight on how to do it. (This was my “trigger”). I’m realizing I was the catalyst.

For context, the backstory:
I grew up with a father that wasn’t abusive, but he did have a lot of anger issues and potentially depression stemming from a family falling out where he lost everything. This started when I was 2. My dad would go off the rails, throw things, yell and visibly turn red when going into his “rage”.

Unfortunately, I grew up with this as “how it was” and it rubbed off on me. I was an angry kid growing up.

My father got cancer when I was 14 and I watched him die for 13 months. My favorite uncle got cancer as well a month before my dad death, and he passed 100 days later. This made me grow cold to the world. I hated the world, I hated {whatever higher being you believe in}. I became depressed and didn’t care about life. I still kinda don’t in a way.

At 18, the day I graduated high school, I was told in 2 weeks the guy running my dads business was quitting and it was up to me to take it over and “figure it out”. I was handed a business in the 2008 crisis, with payroll and a business already in debt.

Over the years I had to learn everything. I had to file bankruptcy 7 years later, and that started my slow decline. We’ve always struggled to make it, and have just gotten by. And I’m okay with that, although I do wish we could grow. Over the years I lost work mostly due to customers slowing down, we had a big customer that was verbally abusive but I took it as the money was good. After losing so many customers, I started to lose it. I was working 7 days a week to keep things flowing and moving, from 2017 until 2025.

Admittedly I don’t remember a lot of the years…I’ve come to realize the stress and pressure would make me irritable over all of this time, and little things would send me into “seeing red” rage. I was never physically abusive to my ex, but I did yell a lot. There were a few times in arguments where we REALLY got into it, maybe 5-6 times in 8 years. Most of the time I would just yell to let it out. My therapist says I disassociated because of the pressure and my brain “shut off” during those years.

I found out that my ex had a 2 year relationship on the side with an ex fling along with physical cheating with at least 1 other. She told me it was because of how I was, she was unhappy but didn’t want to leave me. We spent a lot of time at home on weekends just sitting around watching shows/movies because I was burned out from the week. She wanted to go do things (in my defense, she never told me she wanted to. She couldn’t communicate with me).

So I started therapy and when all 3 of us agreed I was better, I stopped while trying to make (very excruciating might I add) changes to my personality, anger and depression on my own with what my therapist gave me. It has been a ROLLERCOASTER to say the least.

Anyway, my gf left me for a coworker a few months ago after telling me she was still unhappy. I’ve been doing a massive amount of looking in, as well as I’m back in therapy. For a guy that doesn’t cry, I’ve done A LOT. I think a lot of that has to do with not doing it for 34 years. I dunno.

If you made it this far, thanks. You’re a rockstar for that.

So, for those who deal with anger, rage, depression (we also believe I have extreme ADHD, as if you probably couldn’t tell from reading this post hahah) - what has helped? The only thing I’m not willing to do is close my business, but I have been making changes there to lower my stress level. Any suggestions would be great as I’m ready to change.

Hi everyone…

This is a vulnerable post for me but I think talking to a community could be helpful. I want to see if anyone has been through something similar and can offer insight.

It’s a bit long, so sorry in advance.

I’m a 34 year old male, and I just went through a relationship where my ex of 8 years, friends for 12 before that emotionally cheated for 3 years and eventually money branched. This is triggered a MASSIVE look inward and realization about how horrible I’ve been as a person - I need to change and need insight on how to do it. (This was my “trigger”). I’m realizing I was the catalyst.

For context, the backstory:
I grew up with a father that wasn’t abusive, but he did have a lot of anger issues and potentially depression stemming from a family falling out where he lost everything. This started when I was 2. My dad would go off the rails, throw things, yell and visibly turn red when going into his “rage”.

Unfortunately, I grew up with this as “how it was” and it rubbed off on me. I was an angry kid growing up.

My father got cancer when I was 14 and I watched him die for 13 months. My favorite uncle got cancer as well a month before my dad death, and he passed 100 days later. This made me grow cold to the world. I hated the world, I hated {whatever higher being you believe in}. I became depressed and didn’t care about life. I still kinda don’t in a way.

At 18, the day I graduated high school, I was told in 2 weeks the guy running my dads business was quitting and it was up to me to take it over and “figure it out”. I was handed a business in the 2008 crisis, with payroll and a business already in debt.

Over the years I had to learn everything. I had to file bankruptcy 7 years later, and that started my slow decline. We’ve always struggled to make it, and have just gotten by. And I’m okay with that, although I do wish we could grow. Over the years I lost work mostly due to customers slowing down, we had a big customer that was verbally abusive but I took it as the money was good. After losing so many customers, I started to lose it. I was working 7 days a week to keep things flowing and moving, from 2017 until 2025.

Admittedly I don’t remember a lot of the years…I’ve come to realize the stress and pressure would make me irritable over all of this time, and little things would send me into “seeing red” rage. I was never physically abusive to my ex, but I did yell a lot. There were a few times in arguments where we REALLY got into it, maybe 5-6 times in 8 years. Most of the time I would just yell to let it out. My therapist says I disassociated because of the pressure and my brain “shut off” during those years.

I found out that my ex had a 2 year relationship on the side with an ex fling along with physical cheating with at least 1 other. She told me it was because of how I was, she was unhappy but didn’t want to leave me. We spent a lot of time at home on weekends just sitting around watching shows/movies because I was burned out from the week. She wanted to go do things (in my defense, she never told me she wanted to. She couldn’t communicate with me).

So I started therapy and when all 3 of us agreed I was better, I stopped while trying to make (very excruciating might I add) changes to my personality, anger and depression on my own with what my therapist gave me. It has been a ROLLERCOASTER to say the least.

Anyway, my gf left me for a coworker a few months ago after telling me she was still unhappy. I’ve been doing a massive amount of looking in, as well as I’m back in therapy. For a guy that doesn’t cry, I’ve done A LOT. I think a lot of that has to do with not doing it for 34 years. I dunno.

If you made it this far, thanks. You’re a rockstar for that.

So, for those who deal with anger, rage, depression (we also believe I have extreme ADHD, as if you probably couldn’t tell from reading this post hahah) - what has helped? The only thing I’m not willing to do is close my business, but I have been making changes there to lower my stress level. Any suggestions would be great as I’m ready to change.

Hi everyone…

This is a vulnerable post for me but I think talking to a community could be helpful. I want to see if anyone has been through something similar and can offer insight.

It’s a bit long, so sorry in advance.

I’m a 34 year old male, and I just went through a relationship where my ex of 8 years, friends for 12 before that emotionally cheated for 3 years and eventually money branched. This is triggered a MASSIVE look inward and realization about how horrible I’ve been as a person - I need to change and need insight on how to do it. (This was my “trigger”). I’m realizing I was the catalyst.

For context, the backstory:
I grew up with a father that wasn’t abusive, but he did have a lot of anger issues and potentially depression stemming from a family falling out where he lost everything. This started when I was 2. My dad would go off the rails, throw things, yell and visibly turn red when going into his “rage”.

Unfortunately, I grew up with this as “how it was” and it rubbed off on me. I was an angry kid growing up.

My father got cancer when I was 14 and I watched him die for 13 months. My favorite uncle got cancer as well a month before my dad death, and he passed 100 days later. This made me grow cold to the world. I hated the world, I hated {whatever higher being you believe in}. I became depressed and didn’t care about life. I still kinda don’t in a way.

At 18, the day I graduated high school, I was told in 2 weeks the guy running my dads business was quitting and it was up to me to take it over and “figure it out”. I was handed a business in the 2008 crisis, with payroll and a business already in debt.

Over the years I had to learn everything. I had to file bankruptcy 7 years later, and that started my slow decline. We’ve always struggled to make it, and have just gotten by. And I’m okay with that, although I do wish we could grow. Over the years I lost work mostly due to customers slowing down, we had a big customer that was verbally abusive but I took it as the money was good. After losing so many customers, I started to lose it. I was working 7 days a week to keep things flowing and moving, from 2017 until 2025.

Admittedly I don’t remember a lot of the years…I’ve come to realize the stress and pressure would make me irritable over all of this time, and little things would send me into “seeing red” rage. I was never physically abusive to my ex, but I did yell a lot. There were a few times in arguments where we REALLY got into it, maybe 5-6 times in 8 years. Most of the time I would just yell to let it out. My therapist says I disassociated because of the pressure and my brain “shut off” during those years.

I found out that my ex had a 2 year relationship on the side with an ex fling along with physical cheating with at least 1 other. She told me it was because of how I was, she was unhappy but didn’t want to leave me. We spent a lot of time at home on weekends just sitting around watching shows/movies because I was burned out from the week. She wanted to go do things (in my defense, she never told me she wanted to. She couldn’t communicate with me).

So I started therapy and when all 3 of us agreed I was better, I stopped while trying to make (very excruciating might I add) changes to my personality, anger and depression on my own with what my therapist gave me. It has been a ROLLERCOASTER to say the least.

Anyway, my gf left me for a coworker a few months ago after telling me she was still unhappy. I’ve been doing a massive amount of looking in, as well as I’m back in therapy. For a guy that doesn’t cry, I’ve done A LOT. I think a lot of that has to do with not doing it for 34 years. I dunno.

If you made it this far, thanks. You’re a rockstar for that.

So, for those who deal with anger, rage, depression (we also believe I have extreme ADHD, as if you probably couldn’t tell from reading this post hahah) - what has helped? The only thing I’m not willing to do is close my business, but I have been making changes there to lower my stress level. Any suggestions would be great as I’m ready to change.

Hi all -

I’m mostly just venting.

I (M34) found out a year ago that my (F32) had essentially a side (texting, sexting, nudes) relationship with an ex fling for 2 years. It started 5 years into our 8 year relationship. We were friends for 12 years before we got together so we knew each other pretty well, or so I thought maybe.

I don’t know what made me go through her iPad, but I found two years worth of messages. On top of that her best friend told me that she was physical with at least one guy and had a half dozen guys in her Snapchat.

Long story short, I called it out, broke up with her. She begged and pleaded for me to not leave her and she started it when we were going through a MASSIVE rough patch.

We worked things out over the span of about five months. She was telling me everything I needed to hear, I felt like things were better than ever and I was actually thinking about our future (marriage and kids). I was trying to make some big life changes, including how I treated her, how I acted, as well as I cut hours at work for us to spend quality time together which is what she told me she wanted. About three months into being back together, she was acting distant and being glued to her phone. One night I asked her who she was talking to, She told me a coworker messaged her on Facebook and asked her a question. I obviously got shitty about it and she got weird ever since.

Lo and behold, on a random Friday, she was texting me all weird, then disappeared. I checked her location and found her a coworkers house. And then called out and she came home and came up with all these excuses as to why we weren’t meant to be, and we were polar opposites, and her parents will never let me marry her anyway.

I walked out that night, and gave her some space. The next morning the camera is at the house went off and she was leaving at 6:30 AM. She had shut her location off, so I drove past the coworkers’s house and her car was there, she was there all weekend. That was in October and they’ve been together ever since.

I’m glad to see if they’re so happy with their relationship 🙄. I’ve also come to find out that she was constantly telling people over the four years that she was cheating on me how unhappy she was, which sounds to me like she was using it as a back up plan in case she got caught.

6 months later and I’m still left here like I got flash banged.

I dunno, people are weird.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. This is purely a rant and venting but if you want to add anything, I’m open to support. Thanks!

Edit 1:
- why did I take her back? Well, there were a few years I wasn’t the best, I treated her badly because I was under extreme stress because of my business; I was burned out and disassociated and wasn’t the best I could have been. I felt she deserved a second chance (as did I, I guess?). I also felt we were elementary school sweethearts, there was always chemistry between us and when we got together it felt “right”.

- the irony: the new guy and I have a bunch of mutual friends. He’s known as an abuser that has a history on “preying” on coworkers and using them. So karma some day, maybe, I guess?