u/Suspicious-Hotel-166

i’m sorry for the long paragraph i’m going to write. is this is some kind of quarter life crisis?
i’m 26, i’ve had the same boyfriend (28m) for 5 years now, he’s everything to me, i want to marry him one day, but i have so much self doubt of me being his first girlfriend that he’ll leave me one day, & find someone better. we have such a happy, loving & healthy relationship & i just am so anxious i’m going to lose that one day it really is bothering me recently.
i’m stuck in a job that i don’t want for myself forever, i have no idea what i want to do with my life, i have no interest in going back to school, i have always struggled with seeing things through, i give up on myself easily & it’s been extremely hard for me recently given i feel like i haven’t actually accomplished anything.
i don’t have much guidance in terms of parents, my mom has basically always just been a friend to me, my dad passed away when i was a kid, i’ve always felt abandoned & that feeling / fear of abandonment has stuck with me my whole life.
i have disordered eating habits, i don’t know how to dress myself anymore, i hate my body, the way i look, & i’m very addicted to nicotine, i have no idea how to even begin to quit that.
i recently visited my dad’s grave, & i feel like ever since then things have been worse for me emotionally, i never dealt with it properly, i went so many years pretending i never had a dad, & i think it’s catching up to me. i’ve been having nightmares every night since i went to my hometown & visited him & my family on that side, which breaks my heart because i’m close with that side, i don’t understand why i’m having these nightmares.

in about june i started to go to the gym every day & eat healthier, i felt so much better, i kindof just stopped doing it last month, i lost motivation, & once again i didn’t see something through.
i feel so overall disappointed & unhappy with who i am, & what i even bring to the table, my looks, my personality, my mood swings when i get like this.
my boyfriend has always loved me through it all but i’m just so scared he’s going to leave me one day too. i really don’t even know why, he’s never been a cheater, he’s never yelled at me, he truly is just one of a kind & i don’t feel deserving of him.

i guess what i’m looking for advice wise here is some sort of guidance on how i can start to put things back together here. again, i apologize for the long paragraph & i’m open to suggestions, thank you if you read all the way through

i love mexican, greek, i LOVE a good poutine, i’m into sushi, & i love pasta / italian as well :) let me know!!