u/TheSpicyHotTake

I want to preface this with some context.

I discovered archetypal possession, and the Puer Aeternus, from a mental health community on YouTube some time ago, and found myself resonating with it a lot. Unfortunately, the label of Puer Aeternus did very little to help my mental health. I did not understand how to integrate this part of me, and ended up very depressed and hopeless because all I kept hearing about the Puer was that it was "non-actionable", meaning any action I thought of to overcome it wouldn't work. After months of turmoil, I dropped the Eternal Child archetype and have gotten back to a good state mentally.

Unfortunately, I'm still stuck. My issue is this:

I want to be a creative (writer, animator, game designer) but cannot handle doing so once the work part begins. I thought this was due to an immense reaction to failure, but I'm no longer convinced this is the case. I believe it is an aversion to hard work, specifically work I do not find appealing. I can edit a book, but I am not willing to study anatomy or learn to code.

Now for some background:

I grew up very sheltered as a kid. Being diagnosed with autism and ADHD, I wasn't really allowed to be on my own, I was easily frightened, prone to crying, sensitive, etc. And while my family were very supportive, I was often criticised and insulted when making mistakes or being an inconvenience. I fear this may have lead to a form of weaponised incompetence. While I feel ashamed in doing it, I will sheepishly ask my family to do things for me, such as cooking my dinner or going to the store for me, even when I'm capable of doing it. I do not wish to learn how to do these things myself, even though I am ashamed of relying on those I love and making them take time out of their day for me.

I experience both an aversion and a sense of guilt when shying away from anything that makes me uncomfortable. I know I'm capable of these things, and yet I refuse to do them, which makes me feel awful, but not awful enough to make me stop.

I feel like no matter how badly I want to, no matter how much shame or guilt that nips at my heels, I always crumble at the slightest discomfort and stop. The mere suggestion of discomfort is enough to make me recoil. This issue is also present in therapy, where I will outright refuse to engage with a therapeutic practice if I find it displeasing in any way.

I've never understood how Puer Aeternus possession works or how to fix it. Sure, I know Marie-Louise von Franz's advice, but how do you engage in boring, monotonous, unrewarding work if you can't bring yourself to do it? There were many times, before I stopped considering the archetype, that I thought I caught Puer. I believed that if I recognised it enough, I could make it stop. But no, I just noticed that I was uncomfortable, before I stopped because I was uncomfortable.

I almost don't want to ask how to integrate Puer. I'm scared of going down this rabbit hole again. All I want is to be able to do the things I want to do, and I can't. I've explored so many avenues and have found no success.

Can one of you please just explain it to me in the simplest possible terms? What is Puer? How would one go about fixing it? Is it even possible for me to do it if all I do is run away at the smallest obstacle? And its worth repeating that I have AuDHD, so I'm not sure how much of Jung's and Franz's word means to a neurodivergent. Regardless, any info is greatly appreciated.

I've gone through some traumatic events in the past, and I'm afraid that they've affected me more than I think, or more than I can fix. I went through an event a few years ago that seems to have permanently affected my ability to daydream. It's like I have some reduced form of aphantasia. I used to be able to zone out and get lost in my mind, but now I can't reach it like before. I can still see images in my head, but they're not as clear as before.

Another event happened much more recently, and I'm afraid it's affecting my intelligence. I'm mispelling more often, flubbing my words, and my old writing stuff seems far better than what I'm capable of right now. I tried writing a scene and the dialogue just didn't feel right. I feel like I'm degrading mentally, and I'm terrified that I won't be able to recover.

I hesitate to call this PTSD. I did have PTSD symptoms after the first event, but those have dropped significantly since. I don't feel particularly anxious, just like I'm not 100% anymore.

Is this fixable? Any info or insight is greatly appreciated as I'm really worried.

So I saw this fan animation on another subreddit (Spoilers for INVINCIBLE comic stuff that isn't in the show yet), and the animation is just immaculate. It's so well done, and I can't help but envy the person who made it and the incredible skills they possess.

I have wanted to be an animator for a long time now, but I struggle with the same core issue - intense emotional distress when making mistakes or failing. No matter how much I want to, I can't cope with failure. I get swept up in the emotion and lose all enthusiasm.

I have a lot of theories as to why this happens, but no real answers. Maybe I put too much value on my performance. Maybe I'm hinging my family's approval on producing something good, and every mistake is yet another delay in the gratification I seek. Maybe each failure reminds me of all the times I was an inconvenience and a frustration to others. I have no idea what the right answer is, and it's driven me crazy searching for it.

I'm just tired of wanting it so badly and having this stupid issue holding me back that I can't fix no matter how hard I try. It's miserable.

This isn't strictly related to autism, but as someone with AuDHD, maybe some of you will relate. I just needed to vent. If you guys have any insight or help, I'd appreciate it.

Really sensitive to failure and I need some practical advice for coping with the overwhelming waves of emotion that hit when I fail. I have AuDHD, I was sheltered through childhood and have very little experience with failure. When I fail, I feel like I'm in quicksand and just can't get out no matter how illogical or irrational the episode is. What are some things that can reduce this and just try to push through the pain?

I'm waiting to hear back from a new therapist on their experience with patients who are afraid of failure or are perfectionists. In the meantime, I have this weird dread about going back to therapy.

I have, literally, one issue I want to solve - that being overcoming my fear of failure. I have things I want to do, like writing a book or learning to animate, and for the life of me I can't do them because the smallest mistake sends me spiraling. This is all I want to fix. And its pissing me off that just fixing this one small thing isn't possible. Mental health being what it is, I'm going to have to go knee-deep into the stuff in my head and spill my guts just to get a decent chance at overcoming this.

I wouldn't mind so much if I hadn't done this dance like 3 times already. Go in, get emotional, talk about stuff, and leave without the issue I want fixed solved in any way. Maybe I'm just being impatient or ignorant to the actual improvements I'm making, but I just want this one fucking thing solved and it never is.

Is it bad to just want the one thing that bothers you gone? I've wanted to be a creative my entire life and this one thing is frustrating the hell out of me. How can I ever produce anything if I go into a hissy fit at the slightest mistake?

I'm just so sick of therapy when it feels like the only possible way I'll overcome this and yet it never yields any results. I spent a full year with one therapist and I am none the wiser how the one thing I wanted to fix went untouched.

I wouldn't call myself repressed or anything, but I have had moments in therapy that make me feel like there's some deep wound I've ignored for a long time.

A few times now, during therapy, I'll have these episodes that my therapist describes as 'panic attacks'. I will be overcome with emotion, ranting, sobbing, unable to breathe in without sputtering out a cough and letting it go again. These episodes don't last more than a minute or two, and despite how intense they are, I usually feel pretty good once they're over. These episodes have been about wasting my life, guilt for being an inconvenience, and other things.

But this makes me wonder how such a visceral reaction can happen when 99% of the time, I'm fine. I don't think I ignore my past or anything. In therapy, we talk pretty openly about everything. I have no idea why this happens.

Why do I get panic attacks in therapy but am fine outside of it?

I am by no means a Jung analyst and know very little about his studies or ideas. I'm just asking here because it feels like you guys might have some insights.

I have autism and ADHD. I know Jung didn't really consider neurodivergence (I think) but its not the disorders themselves that I'm here to discuss - its my refusal of them.

I found out I had autism around 11 years old. It was an accidental discovery and, being the child I was, eagerly jumped onto the internet to find out what autism was all about. What I found, along with my parents' gentle descriptions of the disorder, made me feel like autism wasn't really a disability, but a different state of mind. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, so I lacked any notable sensory issues and wasn't prone to meltdowns. So I believed I got a lucky draw, all the benefits with none of the problems. This led to an unfortunate period where I would "play into" my autism. I would embrace my social isolation and exaggerate it because it was new and interesting to me.

As well as this, my family seemed uncomfortable discussing autism. Any time I would bring it up, I would get mouth-service to the effect of "Don't get too caught up in that," or "Everyone has a bit of something", essentially being told that autism wasn't something worth worrying about. Their expressions and tones alone were enough to tell me that autism was an uncomfortable subject. After awhile, I just took autism as something I had and didn't care to think about it anymore.

Recently, autism has resurfaced in my thoughts. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, and I can't stand not being good enough. I have an ego of sorts, believing I am, or could be, amazing at things, and crumbling when I make the slightest mistake. But surely making mistakes is to be expected of someone with two neuro-developmental disorders, right? That's the problem.

I feel like I rejected the idea that I'm disabled. After awhile, I hated even saying that I had autism. It felt like acknowledging the condition was acknowledging my own limited capacity - like I'd be locking myself in if I accepted it. I was never allowed to use autism as an explanation, always being told that I was using it as an "excuse", so I never let myself just say "I'm disabled, I'm going to make mistakes."

Recently I've started to try and keep my autism in mind when I make mistakes. I'm not playing with a full deck, so to speak, and I treat myself as though I am. How could I be good enough if I played into my disability and never tried? Like many with AuDHD, I was raised with a philosophy of "they'll outgrow it", never acknowledging the metaphorical ball and chain I've had to lug around my entire life.

So I'm curious, can being neuro-divergent be something that the psyche refuses to acknowledge?

Just want to add here that this was a flow-state, write what comes to mind post. I have no idea if this has any basis in shadow work. If not, what do you make of this? Any insight would be appreciated.

I just lost two games of Marvel Rivals and I'm after punching my thigh like 5 times and my hand hurts. I thought I was calming down and it just came out of nowhere like I snapped. I don't even know who I'm angry at. I think I just fucking hate myself for not doing well enough.

I couldn't hit a shot, I wasn't paying attention, I was making stupid mistakes. Then one of my teammates said we were all crap, I snapped back at him, and I just felt embarrassed because there was nothing I could do to convince him he was in the wrong. I just sat there miserable until something just snapped in my head and I started punching myself.

I fucking despise how emotional I get over fucking video games. I just hate how one minute I'm a champion at the game, hitting every shot and getting MVP and all that, the next I'm a slobbering mongoloid with the hand-eye coordination of an infant. It's so depressing that I can tell I'm overreacting but can't make it stop. I just get so fucking enraged when I can't just do the things I need to do. I was even going to punch myself in the head while playing and had to catch myself from doing it.

Idk if this counts as self-harm but I'll tag it as that just in case. I'm just looking for some kind of support here. I feel pathetic for losing and for overreacting. I've AuDHD if that means anything.

I am *not* an anime guy. I've watched like half of Cowboy Bebop and the first 4 or 5 episodes of Death Note (not counting Pokemon or YuGiOh), so I'd still consider myself a newcomer to the medium. I'd like to explore anime, and two jump out at me as choices - Frieren and Jujutsu Kaisen. I've gotten the impression that JJK has great animation and that Frieren is well-written, so it's generally a toss-up between the two.

I know **nothing** about either of these. I know Frieren's an elf or something and has been alive for however long, but that's basically it for both.

Which of the two is best to start with??

For the past few years, there's been one singular goal pushing me through therapy and mental health deep dives, and that is animation.

I have a passing interest in 2D animation. I appreciate the artform and, given the opportunity, I'd love to learn and create some pieces myself. I'm especially fond of the 2D Disney Era and would like to recreate that style myself. But there's one snag:

I don't like to animate.

It's not that I dislike the process. On the contrary, doing the pendulums or bouncing balls is meditative in the moment. It's certain other things that make me loathe it.

First is that I have an overwhelming reaction to failure. Even small mistakes, if repeated, can cause a lot of panic and sadness in me. I have, on multiple occasions, broken down into episodes of depression because I couldn't draw a circle correctly.

Second is the amount of time I'd have to practice to be good enough to produce what I'd like to. I have no profound love for the act of animating and only pursue it because of the results I envision in my head. When I look at the sheer amount of practice that must be done, just to produce something decent, I'm put off animation entirely. I haven't touched my drawing tablet in months because of this issue.

These two issues combined are preventing me from animating. Given that practice is, essentially, nothing but making mistakes until you no longer do, the idea of spending years of my life failing over and over is harrowing. "Failing" is a dramatic term, but that's just how I see it.

This highlights an obvious question: "Why even bother pursuing animation?"

I've asked myself this question multiple times. Animation is something that haunts me. Despite not touching it for months and having genuinely no desire to slog through it, I find myself yearning to create the ideas in my head. I listen to music and picture a fight scene or dramatic moment that I want to put to screen but can't. Some of these scenes are so technical and movement-focused that no other medium would do it justice.

I am plagued by this desire, but I am unable to pursue it.

I... Have gone down a rabbit hole over the past year or so. I have gone to therapy, I have posted countless times on different subreddits, I've looked into Jungian psychology, I tried medicating my ADHD, and nothing ever worked. It left me in a worse condition than when I'd started, I'm sad to say.

My current theory is this: Due to growing up autistic, with using autism as an explanation being treated as wrong, I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, because I blamed myself for my repeated failings. Because animation would force me to fail, and because it would take too long to get approval, I shrink away from it. If this theory is true, then my solution is to accept autism as a part of my identity and the source of some woes so I can take the pressure off and learn to forgive myself.

That's the theory, anyway.

I'm posting here, to my fellow Autists, because I'd like to get some insight into what could possibly be holding me back from animating. Please tell me if you think my theory may have any merit or if you have any of your own.

The other day, I got incredibly angry. Like, wanting to punch someone angry. And I started to rant to myself, and for the life of me, I couldn't string together a single sentence. It made me so fucking infuriated but I just went quiet and seethed because I couldn't get it out and if anyone had been there, they'd have laughed at me.

That moment feels like autism in a nutshell. I just wanted to do something and I fucked it up. It's so emasculating.

I grew up sheltered and spoiled. I'm an adult with no life skills, no tolerance for discomfort, and no capacity for hard work. I've deluded myself into thinking I'm some sort of genius prodigy, but the second I have to do anything, I crack.

I hate that I'm autistic, that I was brought up in a bad way for someone with autism, and that I was taught my whole life that using autism as an explanation was uncomfortable and wrong. I hate that I have autism but never ever treated myself like someone who has it. I never gave myself patience. I never let myself use autism as an "excuse" because that was wrong.

I was an inconvenience. I just wish the one thing holding me back wasn't treated like a secret. When a family member becomes visibly uncomfortable at the mention of autism, you feel like there's something wrong with it.

Never allowed to blame my autism for my shortcomings, never allowed to separate myself from my mistakes. I just wish I'd been allowed to say, "Yeah, I did that by accident because my autism makes me prone to stuff like that." To just fucking blame it for once. Because I didn't, all that blame went on to my quality of character, the person I am. I wasn't willing to do chores, not because I have autism, but because I was just a lazy kid. You blame yourself for things that could be explained by autism, and had they been, you could give yourself some empathy for your situation, instead of drilling into your head that there's something wrong with you that needs fixing.

This is a messy post. I'm sorry. I'm sleep deprived and randomly got the urge to write this out. If you have any kind words or support, I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm going to see a therapist who specialises in AuDHD, as opposed to my previous T's, but he costs over double my current therapist. 150 per session. I am bad with money and rarely have anything left by the end of the week, and this amount will be really difficult to keep up.

Is it rude or uncommon to ask a therapist if they can lower the prices of their sessions? Both my previous therapists did so, but that was only like from 60 to 50. I'd be asking for a bit of a larger decrease in this case.

I'm always worried about things so I need to know if this will be rude or not.