u/TheVoxBox04

First time playing Metroid Prime and I gotta say I'm not a fan of losing like 40 minutes of progress because the game didn't wanna give me a save room or drop literally any health pick ups. I get to the mine, by the time I'm at the room where you have to rotate the piller and climb it with the spider ball I'm already on my last health tank at this point but I figure I should be able to find some health soon. Almost every enemy and box I find drops missles, I have to hear the low health beep all the way until I make it to the room where some invisible dick head just kills me immediately because I don't know what to do and and Samus has been on deaths door for 20 minutes.

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I look up where the save rooms are in the area and I died in the room immediately before the next save, fucking fantastic. I havnt been this pissed off at a game in a while, I turned the game off, went to sleep, and now I woke up still upset about it. This section blows.

When someone is ill it's the natural human response to stay away from them, after all it keeps us from catching the same disease. The response to avoid sickness is in our DNA, it's a survival response. Sometimes I wonder if loneliness is perceived the same way in the more animalistic base instinct part of our brain. A person sees someone sitting alone and immediately something in the back or their mind tells them to stay away because if that person is alone then there's probably a reason for that, they're probably a liability. If you were to see me sitting alone and have that train of thought you'd be correct. I don't have anything to offer anyone, I can't even properly look after myself. My living space is always a mess, I never learnt to cook or develop hobbies because I spent so much of my life just trying to survive, I spend days just getting high wasting away time because when my mind is sober all I can do is pick myself apart. Any right minded person would see me as burdensome. I can't blame them for that, even to myself I'm a burden.

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Every attempt I've made to build something with someone or to be a part of a group has fallen apart. There's people I would have died for, I've given all my energy to try to please people and now I'm alone, and all that energy that could have been used to make me something better than I am now has been used up. No returns, no one to help me the way I did my best to help them when they needed it.

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I just keep telling myself I need to keep moving forward because at some point it'll be worth it. I like to imagine there's a point in my life where I'll look back and realize that all the time I spent feeling miserable was worth it, but I'm not sure I can keep believing that. My life is getting worse, I feel myself regressing into a worse state. My anxiety is getting worse, I find it harder and harder to actually express how I feel and the things I want to say; sometimes I feel like when I talk to people they don't understand me at all. I think I spent so much time just trying to find a place or a person I could feel okay with that I never become a proper person along the way, I never grew out of being a scared child and now I'm so far behind and tired that I'm just wandering through life without a point, seeking something that everyone else seems to already have.

I wish I could get away from myself. My brain is hostile, all I can seem to think about is how much I don't like myself, how unhappy I am in my life, how I can't seem to pull myself up to a better place. I get home and I spend the whole night just trying to pull myself away from those thoughts long enough to just feel okay for a little bit. My mind won't allow me peace, even if I have what I need, even if I'm stoned; there's always something picking away at me at the back of my mind, I won't let myself feel okay even just for a little bit. Everyday it's the same cycle of distracting myself until I can't and then being overtaken by those feelings again and again.

I don't have anyone to check in on me much anymore, no one who actually cares much less has the energy to try to make me feel better. To some degree I beileve that I've felt this way so long that it's just who I am and what people expect from me. People who know me think "Oh, he must like to be alone because that's the way he always is." Somehow isolation became part of my character and I never really wanted it to be. I'm not good at being alone, I don't enjoy it, I just know how to survive in it, I'm good at hiding my struggle. I'm not really living, I've just been surviving for so long that it's the only way I know how to be.

I've been having more suicidal thoughts lately, nothing that I think I would act on but it's been an about daily occurrence that I'll have the thought that if I just jumped off the balcony I would've have to wake up to survive tomorrow, another thought I have is imagining the people who weren't there for me realizing too late that I was hurting. If I were dead they'd have to think of me, they'd have to know I needed someone; they would finally care. I know that's not a kind thought to have, I don't want people to hurt over me but I find some sort of catharsis in imagining it anyways.

I don't feel that things are going to get better, life has only felt okay when I was able to delude myself into believing there was something to feel okay about, when I used to beileve that I had something to fight for, but at this point I've been down and out so long that I realized no matter what I've done or what I've tried to do for people; that in my time of need no one is ever here. In every recent memory when I needed someone to be here they haven't been. I've at times tried to give the world to those I care about and at other times have isolated myself away for stretches of months at a time. In all situations no one has been here the way I needed them to be.

I want to be able to talk to someone and know that they're listening to what I'm saying. I want to share movies I care about with someone who will actually sit and watch them with me. I want to go to sleep knowing the next day someone is waiting to spend time with me. I want buy a video game knowing that I have a friend who will play it with me. I want to plan a road trip with another person and make memories going somewhere new with someone. I want to know that when I'm at my worse that I won't be left alone to pick up my own peices like I always have to do. I just want basic things like that. Things that somehow seem to come to everyone else so easy.