u/ThrowRA-Concert-3408

I did not tell my friends yet, i do not want to hear "i told you".

We (me, f29, him m30) have been long distance for a while now. Things would be completely fine between us, but sometimes a switch flips, we get into an exhausting argument, and with time, the whole dynamic completely deteriorates. This has been our pattern for 4 years : good moments, followed by big arguments.

I understand every couple goes through arguments but his meanness made it worse. It would start from nothing, then he would throw hurtful words and triggers at me. Most of the time, he would say that I'm too defensive, overeacting or that i started it. The blame was always shifted on me. I can admit my wrongs and apologize for them but i never record him doing so or he would do it weeks later, saying "my goal is not to hurt your feelings or make you cry".

​Recently, we were planning a trip in a week. We had both paid our shares. But two days ago, the pattern hit again.

He turned a casual conversation into a massive fight, called me a liar, and told me things like to "keep barking", "to block him if i was unhappy", "talk a lot for nothing", told me i lie about my condition, and so many other things.

​I couldn't face the thought of continuing this. Im exhausted of this pattern. And traveling under that kind of emotional weight felt painful so I officially pulled the plug and canceled. I decided to leave the relationship.

Now, the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like the bad guy because of the short notice, the money involved (even tho we both paid our shares). I feel terrible for leaving 4 years behind me so quickly. I still dont know if I made the right choice. I'm also scared for some reasons.

I thought that i choose peace but at the same time the sadness and guilt makes me doubt.

I’m 29F, he’s 30M, and we’ve been together almost 4 years, long distance.

I’m posting because I feel emotionally exhausted and I don’t fully trust my own judgment right now.

For a while, we’ve been stuck in a really unhealthy cycle when we argue. Communication breaks down fast.

During fights, it often turns into blame, hurtful comments, jabs, or him saying things like if I’m unhappy I should just leave or block him. What i hate the most is his meanness when he get mad. A recent example is that we’re supposed to go on a trip next week, and I booked certain things separately because I have a condition that can sometimes make me cancel last minute. He already knew that. But during an argument, he said I did it because I wanted to “trap him” or leave him stuck if something happened. That hurt because instead of understanding why I made that decision, he assumed bad intentions and made it sound manipulative when it wasn’t.

After our most recent argument, I hit a breaking point. I told him I was drained and disappointed, and that I didn’t think I could keep doing this.

That’s when his tone completely changed. He became emotional, vulnerable, told me he cares, doesn’t want to lose me, and that he doesn’t want this to end. At the same time, he also said I was overreacting.

He also showed me something incredibly thoughtful he had planned for our upcoming trip omething that reminded me he’s not always cold or cruel, and that there are moments where he shows care and effort.

That’s what is messing with my head. I’m not staying because of a gift or gesture. It just reminded me that he isn’t 100% mean, which makes it harder to separate the good parts from the unhealthy ones.

But deep down, I’m scared that one thoughtful moment doesn’t erase the repeated disrespect during conflict.

I’m heartbroken because I had so much hope for us, and I think I’m grieving the potential of what I wanted this relationship to be.

So… am I the buttface for still wanting to leave even though he showed vulnerability and kindness when I was already trying to walk away?

TL;DR: Long-distance relationship of almost 4 years. Repeated hurtful fights, blame, and disrespect. When I tried to leave, my boyfriend became emotional and caring, which reminded me he isn’t always mean. I’m still leaning toward leaving and feel guilty/confused. Am I the buttface?

I’m 29F, he’s 30M, and we’ve been together almost 4 years, long distance.

I’m posting because I feel emotionally exhausted and I don’t fully trust my own judgment right now.

For a while, we’ve been stuck in a really unhealthy cycle when we argue. Communication breaks down fast.

During fights, it often turns into blame, hurtful comments, jabs, or him saying things like if I’m unhappy I should just leave or block him. What i hate the most is his meanness when he get mad. A recent example is that we’re supposed to go on a trip next week, and I booked certain things separately because I have a condition that can sometimes make me cancel last minute. He already knew that. But during an argument, he said I did it because I wanted to “trap him” or leave him stuck if something happened. That hurt because instead of understanding why I made that decision, he assumed bad intentions and made it sound manipulative when it wasn’t.

After our most recent argument, I hit a breaking point. I told him I was drained and disappointed, and that I didn’t think I could keep doing this.

That’s when his tone completely changed. He became emotional, vulnerable, told me he cares, doesn’t want to lose me, and that he doesn’t want this to end. At the same time, he also said I was overreacting.

He also showed me something incredibly thoughtful he had planned for our upcoming trip omething that reminded me he’s not always cold or cruel, and that there are moments where he shows care and effort.

That’s what is messing with my head. I’m not staying because of a gift or gesture. It just reminded me that he isn’t 100% mean, which makes it harder to separate the good parts from the unhealthy ones.

But deep down, I’m scared that one thoughtful moment doesn’t erase the repeated disrespect during conflict.

I’m heartbroken because I had so much hope for us, and I think I’m grieving the potential of what I wanted this relationship to be.

So… am I the asshole for still wanting to leave ?

TL;DR: Long-distance relationship of almost 4 years. Repeated hurtful fights, blame, and disrespect. When I tried to leave, my boyfriend became emotional and caring, which reminded me he isn’t always mean. I’m still leaning toward leaving and feel guilty/confused. Am I the buttface?

Hi,

​I’m posting here because my emotions are completely fried and I honestly i dont know if i can trust my own judgment right now.

​My partner and I have been stuck in a really exhausting loop for a while. Our communication seems broken when we argue. When we fight, it quickly turns into him shifting the blame onto me, throwing mean words to me or jabs, and telling me to just leave or block him if I'm unhappy. It feels like we just bring out the absolute worst in each other during minor arguments.

​After our most recent blowout, I finally reached my breaking point. I realized how drained I am and wanted to walk away for good. I told him how disappointed I was but that I couldn't keep going in these circles.

​But right as I was trying to close the door, his whole tone changed. He was being super emotional and vulnerable. He started saying how much he cares, how he doesn't want to lose me, and so on. He said I'm overeacting.

​To make it worse, he just showed me a very specific, incredibly thoughtful gift he bought for an upcoming trip we had planned. It’s literally something I have dreamt of getting for years.

​I am hurting so badly because I had so much hope for us. Seeing a glimpse of the sweet, thoughtful person I always wanted him to be is making me doubt my entire reality. But deep down, I’m terrified that this gift is just a band-aid, and that the moment he gets mad again, the disrespect will come right back.

​i do not know if i am making a mistake by still wanting to leave after he did something so thoughtful. How do you actually walk away when you're mourning the potential of what could have been? It hurts so much.

We have been together for almost 4 years, we live a little far away from each other. Not seeing him makes things hard rn.

As men, what do you think ?