u/TigerAlligator

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Im not sure what to do anymore..

To start, I've had P.O.T.S. (or rather been diagnosed) for 3 years now, PTSD for 10.. again.. at least diagnosed wise. My father wondered if I had P.O.T.S. and he was right, then complained about me wanting to go do things with people, when I'd have an episode (causing me to be unable to use my legs momentarily, pass out, or unable to comprehend anything) and stall us leaving or something. To the point he told me to stop trying to go places. He left about a year ago, and ive been getting better; my boyfriend has learned to help manage my symptoms, catch episodes before they fully happen, get me to sit and wait it out so I dont fall, he has made me seen how my father always ignored when it comes to health.

But as of recent, it's gotten bad again... my boyfriends roomates, our friends, have started complaining and making fun of me behind my back... I didn't mind them calling me a fainting goat, I thought that one was funny. It progressed slowly.. started with them complaining about how they can't smoke pot around me (it sets off an episode instantly for me for some reason) and how they can't form their life around me... I didn't ask them to do that... just to try and blow it out a window or let me know they want to smoke so I can get up and leave the room. Then.. they avoided making plans when I came over, so I wouldn't want to join them and have an episode... they do everything late at night anyway, im normally fine then and won't have an episode. Most recently... they've started calling me a snowflake... at first I thought it was something to be funny in a racist kinda way (im super white, like pale pale, we tend to say im a ghost and joke about how im brighter than the bottom of a pool) but I recently put 2 and 2 together ... and they are saying im fragile... saying things like "im tired of her snowflake act" and "shes such a snowflake, I have the same issues and dont make a big deal out of it" for context on that last one, I was in the bathroom having a panic attack because of some sevear flashbacks I tend to get.. this was the first time in 2 years that I've had this issue, and I was trying to keep quiet about it... my boyfriend just let them know what was happening because I had trapped myself in the bathroom for a good half hour. I try to keep it all on the down low, I know im messed up medically and mentally, but it still hurts... they are supposed to be my friends.. im not sure if maybe I asked for too much, if I tried to interact with them too often, if I cried too loud again, or if im just too much for them...

I dont know what to do anymore... Im scared to try and make any more friends, im scared to let anyone else know im sick to the point im pushing my service dog away even. I feel just so... lost.. so tired..

Am I looking for too much? Expecting too much?... I feel like im being so self-centered lately..

Im a bit embarrassed to post this, but I'm working on it amd trying not to be - Me and my Dom/Bf (20f and 20m) have been more or less experimenting with alot... but we have NO IDEA what we are doing in the long run. We want to do collars, shibari, brat taming, and the "typical" dom/sub roles. Im... overly submissive- hes a switch/Dom, but any advice ig is what im looking for?

We've been talking today about maybe finding a "mentor" so to speak ( another couple m & f ) couple of sorts to learn, socialize with others into bdsm, and find a comfortable group where it would be an acceptable topic or knowledge... any advice?

We're Essentually trying to learn more about how to properly do the things we're interested in doing

Things wed like advice on Ex;

Collar/pet? play

Brat Tameing

Shibari (Art wise and pleasure)

Possible Knife Play

Breath Play

Primal

(We are still learning more and open to most things)