u/Time_Law8743

This might be long and messy, so sorry in advance. It's also my first post here.

Just another depressing day. I'm spending vacation with my family in another state, and I rarely talk to them. Not like I don't want to; it's just that I suck at socializing and have nothing to say most of the time. It's quite embarrassing tbh. I'm also not that close to them either.

It was quite chill here because most of them went to visit some place except my grandmother, so I went to interact with her. We had a light chit-chat and, while it was nothing deep, it made me feel better about myself. I almost forgot how easy it is to talk to her.

I was also scrolling through subreddits about love and marriage, reading some stories about passionate partners and the deep love they share, which awoke something within me. I went back to my room and realized that my lack of motivation for living might not come from phone addiction or laziness, but rather from the sheer loneliness I've lived with for years.

I've always been someone who cherishes deep human connection, but I rarely had any friends because of the barriers between my emotions, my social skills, and being weird in general. Also having an asshole of a brother that kept breaking my self-esteem. I feel hollow and depressed most of the time, but even slightly positive interaction with another human being gives me such a feeling of fulfillment that I regain my energy to face life and take its hits, but that doesn't happen often, so I rarely keep that feeling.

If I'm being honest, the only thing I truly desire is to marry someone and share the huge amount of love I have with them. But I don't see myself as good enough for that. Even if I improve myself, just the idea that I'll never meet the right one terrifies me. But I want to try. I want to live that life. I want to fulfill my soul.

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Now after this messy vent, I'll list some of my flaws I want to improve. It's hella embarrassing, so I hope this space is safe enough to share them:

\- I'm socially awkward, with almost nonexistent social skills, and I struggle to build sentences due to my country's language (I was isolated in my childhood and couldn't learn many words; no online resources to learn either).

\- I'm kinda naive. This one got better over time, but it's still hard to talk about many subjects because of the lack of interaction with people and knowing what actually happens in society. I'm also naive about people's mentality in my own society; I don't know who's good, who to trust, or how to deal with different personalities and ways of thinking. I also don't know many things about how to function like an adult. I especially HATE anything related to administrative procedures cuz I get completely lost when it comes to that one. This is kinda related to the first point.

\- I'm a shut-in. I spend most of my days at home, either scrolling or gaming. Shit fried my dopamine receptors, but I can't think of anything better to do outside, or rather I'm afraid to come out of my shell. I try to practice from time to time, but that's really it.

\- I have back pain problems. Just standing with a straight posture tires me so much. The doctor said I just need to practice, but I didn't notice any progress in healing. The problem is scoliosis btw.

\- I have HORRIBLE anxiety almost all the time. I just want peace ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

\- Low self-esteem. I treat myself like the biggest piece of garbage all the time. I want to love myself more, and I'm sure improving the previous flaws would help with that, but I break down too easily and it takes so much mental effort to climb out of that dark hole again and again.

\- I have a weak personality. Even if by some chance I became the man I want to be and got to marry the person who would make me feel like our souls were destined to spend the rest of their lives together, what really breaks me is the realization of how weak and incapable I am among people. I want to protect my partner; it's my duty as a husband, it's my desire as a lover. But I'm just so fucking incapable, and it'll hurt me if I become less manly in the eyes of my partner. I want to practice more and build a strong body, but most of all, a strong personality. It's not that I lack courage, but I just can't win in a battle of words because of the first 2 points.

Perhaps I can write more, but I can already see how chaotic this post turned out to be, so sorry again for that. But I really appreciate any word from you people, and I hope anyone who struggles here clings to hope and finds their way through their problems.

Thank you in advance : )

(After rereading this, I thought I didn't convey my emotions properly, this might be the only time I post here so fu* it, I'll refer to a long comment I wrote on IG about how I feel about all this. I hope this doesn't break any rules. ibb.co/album/yh9J1J )

I wish communicating was as simple as having a plug that connects two people instead of all this complicated talking and socializing, because how the tf do I suck this much at functioning like a normal human being? It’s lonely af, and it’s been like that for so long that it doesn’t even hurt anymore. It just feels empty, and it makes me numb all the time.

Every human interaction feels hollow to me, and I feel like I’ll never experience a deep soul-like human bond (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠)