u/Timely_Background705

I had a crush on a coworker about a year ago. He’s kind, caring, and thoughtful, so of course I was drawn to him. When I found out he was a Christian I was over the moon. I was too shy to ask directly if he was seeing anyone, so I had another coworker find out for me that’s how I learned he had a girlfriend. I’ll admit that before I knew that, I let my thoughts get carried away. Once I found out, I had to shut my imagination down and take those thoughts captive. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had hope… but that’s my delusion , hopeless romantic self speaking……..

Some months later, he came to work wearing a wedding band and I congratulated him. Genuinely happy for him! But honestly, I don’t know why I felt saddened or disappointed I’m not sure what that says about me or my heart. What I do know is that I wanted no connection with him, because I still had this attraction to him, and I would never entertain the thought of being with someone in a committed relationship. Thats wicked and not God honoring

Now I find myself trying to limit our interactions, but it just makes things feel so awkward. I don’t want to give him the cold shoulder , he’s my brother in Christ but honoring God feels like it means keeping my distance. I’m not sure how this all comes across, but I genuinely don’t know what to do, especially since we’re both part of the same prayer group at work.

Sometimes I feel like I don't love God enough. I started watching explicit content at age 7. I stopped at 14 when I accepted Christ, but I relapsed at 25. I'm 32 now and it's still a struggle. It feels like every accountability partner I've had eventually gets married and starts a new chapter of life, and I'm left behind. I know porn has become a coping mechanism for me. On top of that, I recently started dating again and I've been talking to a guy I know doesn't want a serious relationship. We've come close to being intimate a few times, but my convictions(and the fact that he knows I'm a virgin) have kept us from crossing that line. Still, there are moments when I wonder, What's the point of waiting anymore? I’m constantly messing up and crossing lines I never thought I would cross. I've genuinely tried dating Christian men, but it seems like every door closes before anything can even begin. After a while, it's hard not to feel discouraged. I'm sorry if this comes across as desperate or like I'm lacking faith. I just needed a place that felt kinda safe to be honest and vent my frustrations.

Sorry if this isn’t cohesive and just a lot I’m feeling overwhelmed.

TL;DR: I'm 31 and have intentionally set dating standards that are important to me, including only dating men who are at least 27. A respectful, confident guy cold approached me, and I found him attractive, so I gave him my number. Then I found out he's 24. Now I'm torn between sticking to a standard I've set for myself and wondering if I'm being too rigid, especially since people sometimes find great partners in unexpected places. Should I give him a chance or trust my original boundary?
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I've always said that I could've had a boyfriend yesterday if I were willing to lower my standards. By that, I mean being okay with a lack of spiritual maturity, tolerating smoking of any kind, encouraging drunkenness or compromising on my convictions about premarital sex and the list goes on.One standard that I don't think is unreasonable is my preferred age range: 27–38. I'm 31.

Anyway, here's what happened. I was waiting for my lunch order when a man cold approached me. He complimented my outfit and said I looked "dope." I thanked him and didn't say much because I'm naturally pretty quiet . He kept the conversation going by asking what I ordered, making small talk and eventually he asked for my social media. I told him I don't use social media. I found him attractive and he didn't come across as odd or pushy like some of the other men who've approached me. So I thought, Why not? I decided to exchange numbers with him.

As we were handing each other our phones, I asked how old he was. He said he was 24 🙃 I promise you, I immediately started hearing a cradle rocking in the background. I said "Oh... I thought you were older. My age of consideration starts at 27." He looked at me and said, "Aren't we basically the same age?" I laughed and told him I was 31.
Then he smiled and said, "It's okay. I can be whatever you want me to be." I have to admit he was charming. Despite my hesitation, I still gave him my number. But afterward, I started regretting it. I felt like I had compromised on one of my own standards. He's probably just a couple years out of college. (I work near the finance district and based on how he was dressed, he seemed to work in the area too.) He's likely just getting his first real taste of adult life, while I'm in a different season.
Now I'm conflicted. On one hand, I'm upset with myself for giving him my number because I don't want to compromise on standards that I've intentionally set. On the other hand, I can't deny that I was flattered. It's not every day that someone confidently cold approaches you in a respectful way, and I appreciated his confidence. I also know that people sometimes meet their partners in the most unexpected ways. I've heard plenty of women and men say that, before meeting their partner, they never imagined themselves with someone who fit a certain "type." Yet they were pleasantly surprised gave the relationship a chance and ended up with the person they're happily with today. So now I'm wondering: should I give him a chance and see where it goes …. Curious if anyone has been in this position.

TL;DR: I'm 31 and have intentionally set dating standards that are important to me, including only dating men who are at least 27. A respectful, confident guy cold approached me, and I found him attractive, so I gave him my number. Then I found out he's 24. Now I'm torn between sticking to a standard I've set for myself and wondering if I'm being too rigid, especially since people sometimes find great partners in unexpected places. Should I give him a chance or trust my original boundary?
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I've always said that I could've had a boyfriend yesterday if I were willing to lower my standards. By that, I mean being okay with a lack of spiritual maturity, tolerating smoking of any kind, encouraging drunkenness or compromising on my convictions about premarital sex and the list goes on.One standard that I don't think is unreasonable is my preferred age range: 27–38. I'm 31.

Anyway, here's what happened. I was waiting for my lunch order when a man cold approached me. He complimented my outfit and said I looked "dope." I thanked him and didn't say much because I'm naturally pretty quiet . He kept the conversation going by asking what I ordered, making small talk and eventually he asked for my social media. I told him I don't use social media. I found him attractive and he didn't come across as odd or pushy like some of the other men who've approached me. So I thought, Why not? I decided to exchange numbers with him.

As we were handing each other our phones, I asked how old he was. He said he was 24 🙃 I promise you, I immediately started hearing a cradle rocking in the background. I said "Oh... I thought you were older. My age of consideration starts at 27." He looked at me and said, "Aren't we basically the same age?" I laughed and told him I was 31.
Then he smiled and said, "It's okay. I can be whatever you want me to be." I have to admit he was charming. Despite my hesitation, I still gave him my number. But afterward, I started regretting it. I felt like I had compromised on one of my own standards. He's probably just a couple years out of college. (I work near the finance district and based on how he was dressed, he seemed to work in the area too.) He's likely just getting his first real taste of adult life, while I'm in a different season.
Now I'm conflicted. On one hand, I'm upset with myself for giving him my number because I don't want to compromise on standards that I've intentionally set. On the other hand, I can't deny that I was flattered. It's not every day that someone confidently cold approaches you in a respectful way, and I appreciated his confidence. I also know that people sometimes meet their partners in the most unexpected ways. I've heard plenty of women and men say that, before meeting their partner, they never imagined themselves with someone who fit a certain "type." Yet they were pleasantly surprised gave the relationship a chance and ended up with the person they're happily with today. So now I'm wondering: should I give him a chance and see where it goes …. Curious if anyone has been in this position.

The guy I've been talking to lives about eight hours away. We decided to meet halfway for the first time and we each got our own place to stay. He was dropping me off at my place and at one point, he tried to kiss me, but I leaned back because we've only been talking for about a month, and he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet. I told him that, and I jokingly said I didn't want to come across as a floozy. He responded by saying, "Okay, well, do you want to be my girlfriend?" In that moment I said no not because I don't want to be with him, but because I wanted that question to be asked in a more thoughtful and special way. After that, the night ended earlier than expected. He wasn't visibly upset, but I could tell he was disappointed.

I've been wondering if I handled it the wrong way. I've never been in a romantic relationship before, and I've never kissed someone. For me, physical affection like that feels significant, and I want it to happen within the security of an official relationship. Being exclusive but not actually boyfriend and girlfriend doesn't feel like enough for me. It's been weighing on me, and I want to talk to him about it once we've both had some time to process everything. I want him to understand that I wasn't rejecting him I was trying to honor my own boundaries and make sure those milestones happen in a way that feels right to me.

I don't think you realize how deeply you've hurt me. And over the past few months you've hurt a lot of our friends too. This has bothered deep to the bone. Honestly, I don't desire to be in the same room as you anymore. I can't even look at you because I don't recognize who you've become. This situation has affected me so deeply that it has disrupted my nervous system, the thought of seeing you makes me physically sick. Even when I set my own experience aside, I don't think you realize how highly you've esteemed this man or how incredibly male centered you've become. It's difficult for me to have a conversation with you because your judgment is so clouded and your mind seems completely preoccupied with him. And he doesn't even want anything to do with you, which you've admitted! You've allowed genuine friendships to fall by the wayside because you don't want to be held accountable. Your pride has become so inflated that it's nearly impossible to have a productive conversation with you. You constantly tell people you're grown, yet you conduct yourself in some of the most immature ways I've ever seen. I genuinely think you're emotionally immature, hostile and incapable of receiving correction without becoming defensive. I truly hope that in the end what you've chosen is worth what you've lost. I also hope you eventually take the time to reflect on the hurt you've caused and the relationships that have been damaged along the way.

I've never been in such a situation where i was hurt like this. I'm grieving.

TL;DR: Got approached in public for the first time ever, thought I'd met a great Christian man, only to discover he lied about his age and then gaslit me when I called him out. Blocked.

I wanted to vent a little and share my experience because this whole experience was so bizarre. I was walking to a friend's graduation ceremony when a man approached me. He looked like he was attending the graduation too. He was carrying flowers and a teddy bear, so I figured he was there for someone graduating. He came up to me, told me I was beautiful, and asked if he could have my number. I didn’t get any weird creepy vibes from him. Seemed relatively normal. And honestly, this has literally never happened to me in real life before. I decided to take a chance and gave him my number.

A few days later, he called me and asked if I remembered him. We talked for a bit , had some small talk and eventually he asked me out on a date. I was honestly bubbling over with excitement because things like this just don't happen to me. As we kept chatting , he asked me questions to get to know me. One of them was about my faith, which caught me off guard in a good way. I remember thinking, Wow, what are the odds? He told me he was a Christian and that he served at his church. He also asked how old I was. I told him I was 26. He said he was 36. He even asked if that age gap was too much for me and I told him no. Ten years is about the oldest I'd be comfortable dating, so I didn't think much of it. We planned a date for about a week and a half later.

During that time, we texted and talked on the phone a few times. Everything seemed fine. Of course, I told my girlfriends, and they immediately went into FBI mode. They found his Instagram, Facebook and everything else. One of my friends was like Are you sure this man is 36? He looks older. Then they found that he graduated high school in the '90s. That definitely wasn't adding up. Another thing that struck me as odd was that he had asked for my social media but never shared his with me, even after I asked. Well... thanks to my friends, I already had it. Except it wasn't even a personal Facebook page. It was his church's Facebook page. And that's when I found out he was the pastor. That wasn't necessarily a problem to me. He had only told me that he "served at his church” so I figured maybe he was just being humble. I didn't think too much of it.

After this sleuthing, we had a conversation and I asked him what he did for work. He told me he had a degree in this had a degree in that and worked in a certain field but couldn't tell me exactly what he did. That immediately felt strange to me. I told him straight up, Well, if you can't tell me what you do, I don't think I want to move forward. You could be a pimp for all I know. I was just making light of the situation, so he wouldn’t feel defensive or anything. That's when he finally admitted that he was actually a pastor. He said he doesn't usually tell women because they tend to run away when they find out. I told him, Well... let me make that decision for myself. That age thing that my friend brought up was still bothering me. So I asked, how old are you again? Now, I wasn't being completely honest because I absolutely remembered what he'd told me. I wanted to hear him say it again. He responded, "Why are you asking? I already told you." I said, I forgot. Then he said, "I already told you I'm 45." I just paused. I said, "No... you didn't. You told me you were 36." I remembered that specifically because 36 was the maximum age I'd be willing to date. At that point, I told him I wasn't comfortable continuing to talk to him and told him that he lied to me and that he was not an honest person. Instead of apologizing or explaining himself, he started berating me, trying to gaslight me and acting like I was the problem. And to top it all off... He didn't even call me by my actual name. He called me by my Instagram handle LOLLL! Needless to say, we never made it to that date. I blocked him afterward.

Part of me wanted to leave a comment on the church's Facebook page because it's a very small congregation—maybe 20 - 30 people and from the videos they posted, it looked like the congregation was mostly women. But I ultimately decided not to.
I'm mostly posting this because I still can't wrap my head around why someone would lie about something that's so easily verifiable. Especially as a pastor!!!

I’m so glad that I shared this with my friends. And that the truth came out. I mean at some point it would’ve come out, but I’m glad that nothing came of this.

I kept seeing advertisements for Upward, so I finally caved and created an account. At least on my end, over the past week it's been nothing but low quality profiles. I'm talking no effort, lackluster, no personality and just overall disappointing. On top of that, it feels like for every 15 people I swipe through, there's only one person who actually liked my profile. It sucks having to swipe through so many profiles just to eventually get to the people who already liked me.

And can we talk about the ridiculous number of AI-generated profiles? I'm talking the pictures, the prompts...it all feels so fake. Where's the authenticity? I also refuse to spend my hard earned money on premium features just to maybe have a better experience. At this point, I'm honestly about to delete the app. It's been so frustrating.

Okay, bye. My rant is over. 😂

Before I ask this, I know it might sound like a silly question because forgiveness is such a foundational part of our faith. Christ forgave us, so we're called to forgive others. But I'm realizing that I'm really struggling with what that actually looks like in practice. I'd like to think I'm a pretty easygoing person. My general outlook has always been that people are human we're all going to hurt each other at some point. I understand that.
But I was deeply hurt by a former partner, and I honestly don't know how to move forward. It feels like my nervous system is still on high alert. I can't stand being in the same room as them, and I don't even want to see them because of how deeply they hurt me. We did talk about the hurt I was experiencing, but I felt there was very little accountability on their part, which is ultimately why the relationship ended. I don't want to get too caught up in the details of that situation. I guess my question is: how do you genuinely forgive someone when the pain still feels so present? What does forgiveness actually look like when your heart and body still seem to be carrying the hurt? I'm not even sure if this is the right subreddit for this, but I wanted to ask because I'm struggling with it.

When I say "dating," I mean being in a committed relationship. I don't know why this conversation made me so uncomfortable, but it did. Maybe it's my commitment issues showing or maybe it's just that I value having a sense of independence. I don't understand why someone I'm dating needs to know where I am at all times. To me, being in a committed relationship doesn't automatically mean giving up privacy or constant access to each other's whereabouts. Trust should come from knowing your partner is honest and reliable, not from being able to monitor their location 24/7.
There are situations where sharing my location makes perfect sense for example, if I'm traveling alone, meeting someone in an unfamiliar place or if there's a safety concern. In those cases, location sharing is about security, not surveillance. But as a general expectation in a relationship, it doesn't feel appropriate to me. I think once we are married for sure! I want to be with someone who trusts me without needing to see where I am every minute of the day.

Idk, what do you guys think?

I want to preface this by saying I've never been in a romantic relationship, though I do hope to get married one day.

I was talking with some sisters in Christ and I mentioned that I could see myself wanting separate bedrooms from my future husband. The reactions honestly surprised me. Some said it was ungodly, that it would inevitably create distance, kill intimacy or that no Christian man would ever agree to something like that. Which I disagree with.

To be clear, I'm not saying every married couple should do this nor do I think Scripture commands it. I see it as a practical decision that would depend entirely on the couple. If my future husband wasn't comfortable with the idea, we'd obviously have to talk through it and come to an agreement together. Marriage isn't about one person unilaterally making decisions.

One reason I think about this is that I REALLY value good sleep. I've shared rooms with people who snore loudly, and I know I don't function well when I'm sleep deprived. If my husband happened to be someone who snored heavily or had a very different sleep schedule, I don't think it's unreasonable to consider separate bedrooms if it helped us both rest well. I also understand the concern that separate rooms could become a way to avoid conflict. I don't think that would be healthy. If there were disagreements, I'd still expect us to communicate, reconcile and not use separate bedrooms as a way to withdraw from each other.

What I don't understand is why separate bedrooms are automatically treated as incompatible with intimacy or a godly marriage. Isn't intimacy built through spending intentional time together, communicating well, praying together, serving one another & maintaining a healthy sex life, rather than simply sleeping in the same room every night? Sharing a bedroom can certainly support those things, but does it necessarily create them?

Maybe my perspective will change once I'm actually in a relationship and I'm open to that. But as it stands, I don't see separate bedrooms as inherently ungodly or necessarily harmful if both spouses freely agree to the arrangement and remain intentional about their marriage. I'd love to hear from married couples. Have any of you tried this either temporarily or long term? If you think it's a bad idea, I'd be interested in hearing why beyond "that's just what married couples do."

I'm feeling caught between a rock and a hard place.
A few months ago, I experienced a deep betrayal from someone I considered a dear friend. It was incredibly painful. As someone who is naturally passive and tends to avoid confrontation, I pushed myself to have an honest conversation with her. I gave her the opportunity to explain what happened and to share her perspective, but after hearing her out, I didn't feel that her explanation justified her actions.

I told her that I needed to take a step back from our friendship. For me, that meant no longer confiding in her, intentionally spending time together or maintaining the closeness we once had. Unfortunately, because we're part of the same close-knit friend group and attend the same church, completely avoiding each other isn't realistic. Since that conversation, we've only exchanged polite greetings.

Over the past few months, several of our mutual friends have also had negative experiences with her and have chosen to distance themselves. From my perspective, a lot of this change seems connected to the situationship she's involved in with a man from our church who has a reputation for manipulating women and sleeping around. Several of us lovingly encouraged her to be cautious and to reconsider getting involved with him, but she chose not to listen. While I know she's free to make her own decisions, it seems like many of the changes we're seeing in her have followed that relationship.
What I'm struggling with now is my own heart.
I've developed a deep frustration toward her. Whenever I see her, I can literally feel my heart start racing. I avoid interacting with her whenever possible because she feels like such a different person now.

Recently, we had a meeting for a community board we both serve on. She hasn't been present for many of the meetings, so when she unexpectedly showed up and became upset about decisions that had been made in her absence, it really triggered something in me. I found myself becoming much angrier than I expected. As I've reflected on it, I realize there are several layers to what I'm feeling. Part of me still resents the way she betrayed me. Another part of me is hurt and frustrated because I've watched her disappoint and hurt other people I care about. And underneath all of that is sadness. It feels like she no longer values the friendships she once had and is willing to push anyone away who challenges her relationship with this man. It's heartbreaking to watch someone you love change so drastically.
I know this is her life. I know I can't make her choose differently, and I've already said what I felt needed to be said. But emotionally, I feel like there's still something unresolved in me. Maybe it's unforgiveness. Maybe it's lingering hurt. Maybe it's grief. I'm honestly not sure.

What I do know is that if I allowed all of my emotions to come to the surface and had a conversation with her today, I think I would end up unloading everything I've been holding onto and confronting her about the ways she's hurt people. That's not the kind of person I want to be, but I also don't want to pretend I'm okay when I'm clearly not. Im trying to figure out how to let go of the resentment without pretending that what happened didn't matter. I want to find peace, but I don't know what that looks like right now.

I've read quite a few posts and comments on here about how men try to move things off the app fairly quickly if they're genuinely interested. I should mention that he lives in a different country, with about a 6-hour time difference, so meeting up for coffee just isn't an option right now. A call seems like it would be the natural next step for us.

We've been texting somewhat consistently but he hasn't suggested a call yet. I'm trying to figure out if that's actually a yellow flag... He also travels quite a bit for work so I'm trying to be gracious for the long gaps in communication. Has anyone been in a similar long-distance/different-country situation? At what point would you expect a call to come up if someone is truly interested.....especially when it's long distance.

I used to have a sailor's mouth when I was younger. After I accepted Christ, though, one of the first changes in my life was my language. Profanity no longer felt right, and it gradually disappeared from my vocabulary

In my early twenties, I stepped away from the church for a while and fell back into some old habits. Even then, using profanity felt unnatural, and it was pretty rare for me to curse. Over the past couple of years, I've returned to the church and now serve in ministry. I don't typically use profanity, but every once in a while a curse word slips out as an automatic reaction like when I stub my toe, drop something or get startled. This wasn't something I struggled with before, so it caught me off guard.

Recently, I accidentally let an F-bomb slip in front of a group of Christians. Everyone was gracious about it, but I was really embarrassed.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a practical way to retrain those automatic reactions so profanity doesn't come out in those unexpected moments?

I don't know if this is a stupid question, but I feel like I can never move past the talking stage with guys. When I say "talking stage” I mean the initial conversations where you're exchanging pleasantries, asking about family, work, school, hobbies and getting to know each other a little more. I usually steer the conversation toward faith pretty early because I don't like spending a lot of time on surface level topics if we're ultimately not aligned. I don't want to waste anyones time, including my own, so I'm pretty upfront about asking what their faith means to them, their church involvement and things like that.

The problem is that the conversations almost always stall. They never seem to move off the app, numbers don't get exchanged and dates never happen. I've experienced the same thing talking to a few people on Reddit too. Things usually fizzle out after two weeks max….. and I’m typically left on read. And then I’m back on the drawing board of chatting with another person.

Part of me wants to blame the current dating culture, but I also don't want to assume it's everyone. I want to take accountability and ask if there's something I could be doing differently.

As a woman, I don't want to come across as pushy by asking, "When are you going to ask for my number?" or "When are we going on a date?" I prefer to let the man take the lead in moving things forward. I feel like I already show initiative by sending the first message and expressing genuine interest, but after years of online dating, I still can't seem to get past this stage.

I'd really appreciate advice from the women of God here. Is there something I could be doing better? Are there questions I should be asking or not asking? I genuinely try to be Friendly and be the best version of myself. I'd love to hear your perspective.

I’ve been walking with God for about seven years now, celibate for five and I still haven’t been on a proper date with a Christian man. Not one. It’s a strange, lonely thing to sit with.

Before I came to faith, I used to crave male attention the way men looked at me mattered more than it should have, and I did things I’m not proud of to keep that attention. Now I try to live differently, but non Christian men still chat me up, and honestly it’s tempting sometimes just to be wanted. The Christian men I’ve met, though? They barely look my way romantically.

There’s a bloke at my gym genuinely lovely, asked me out twice now and I keep saying no because he doesn’t love God the way I hope a future husband would. But if I’m honest, I’ve thought about saying yes next time. Not because I’ve changed my mind about what matters, but because I’m tired.

Anyone else sat in this tension wanting to hold the line and wondering if it’s even worth it?