u/TotallyHumanBrain1

I don't know if this is the right place to post, but I definitely fall under the category of being affected by chronic illness..Feel free to take this down if it's unfit for the sub. Anywho; I am a 16 year old boy and my mom is chronically ill. She's been affected all my life, but over the last year or so she's been getting worse than ever. It's really been like a slide since I was younger. She never really got better, only stayed okay and then got worse. When I was 11 years old, my parents got divorced and my mom moved out to a neighborhood made for people who struggle in their daily lives, where they'll get help from the government. When she first moved I'd visit often and even sleep over once in a while, but slowly her capacity for visits became smaller and smaller. We stopped being able to sleep over, the visits became 1-2 hours long, then only 30 minutes, and now we can't visit her at all. It's been really difficult figuring out how to deal with this, and I still feel confused and alone. Her condition is so bad currently that I can barely talk to her over the phone for more than 30 seconds. My brother is 6 years younger than me, so he was born when her condition was already worsening and hasn't experienced a capable mother like I have. Additionally he's a lot more like our father, so since we live with him he has an easier time being understood and feeling at home. I personally am a lot more like my mother, in both personality and feelings. She used to be the one I would talk to when I needed it and she was a safe space. Now I've lost that, and Ive started to feel uncomfortable around my dad, probably as a result of animosity slowly building over the years. Especially when it comes to my identity. I am a transsexual boy, and I've been so for 5 years, but my father still struggles with loving me as his son and even admitted that he hoped I would grow out of it. My mother on the other hand was always the first to understand and accept me, whereas I have great difficulty feeling the same sense of acceptance when it comes to my father. It really feels as if I've lost my mother, but shes been dying in front of me my entire life. It's an odd feeling to grieve someone who's still alive and around. I hope this isn't too long, I'm really just desperately trying to find anyone who might feel similarly or be in a situation like mine. Not using an alt, so my mom could find this if shes a part of the subreddit (wouldnt be surprised) Thank you for reading if you've come this far, and I appreciate any comments of advice or comfort :)

I know I've been posting a whole lot in here lately so sorry if I'm kind of flooding the sub, I'm just going through a lot and it's worsening my dysphoria tenfold. Anywho, as the title states I have very feminine hobbies. I like sewing, cosplaying, art/crafts, musical theatre and I show it very outwardly. Especially in my room. My room is covered in posters, figures, collections, and everything that I like. I love it, I love being surrounded by the things I enjoy. But it also makes me feel incredibly dysphoric. I know that the way I express myself is so far from any other teenage guys, and it really makes me feel alienated. I wish I liked things like football, sports, cars, just like everyone else my age. I already stand out like a sore thumb as I'm around the age when my peers start to get taller, grow beards, and deeper voices. Im short and I sound nothing like other guys, no matter how much voice training I try to do. And having absolutely nothing in common with other boys my age makes me feel even worse. Sorry this might have turned into a kind of rant, if this gets taken down I get it. I just don't have anyone in my life to talk to about things like this

I don't wanna be a girl again. I know who I am but I'm just so tired of fighting every day to get other people to see that too. I go through so much pain and grief and guilt, and I still get asked the question "are you a boy or a girl" at least once every time I meet someone new. I'm beginning to feel like its not worth it. Putting myself through all this for people so still just see me as what I'm not. Might as well just spare myself the effort and give in. Also, it's not talked about how embarrassing it is go try and be stealth around new people, but they still know immediately. It's so fucking humiliating. I don't really know why I'm posting this, maybe I just feel like I need to be talked out of it. Ive been out as a guy for around 5 years. I'm 16 now. No matter what I do I can't be man enough. Why do I have to work so hard just to exist as I am? Maybe it's better to let go of all of it