u/TroubleIll1793

Hiya everyone!! I’m the 15 yr old trans man who posted a bit ago about my bigoted parents!!! My last post was basically me saying I didn’t know what to do anymore, and it was titled “My mom told me, ‘My daughter is dead,’ and I don’t know how to move forward.”

I honestly wasn’t expecting my last post to get anywhere near the amount of attention it did. I originally posted because I was confused, hurt, and genuinely wondering if I was overreacting about my mother, and her reaction to my identity. Reading the comments, especially from older trans people, other lgbt ppl, and parents, made me realize I’ve been giving my mom way too much grace and taking on way too much responsibility for her feelings.

I spent so much time trying to explain myself better, find the right analogy, understand why she feels the way she does, and make being trans easier for her to process. I think I’m finally realizing that it isn’t my job to do all of that. I’m 15. She’s the parent

I’m going to full stop discussing my gender with my parents for now. My mom has already said “she doesnt give a fuck” if I socially transition at school, so that’s what I plan on doing. (She screamed that trying to be transphobic, but whatever idc anymore) I’m going to focus on school, choir, color guard, saving money, and eventually becoming independent. I’m likely going no contact when I’m older, but I obviously have a few years before I have to make that final decision.

It sucks to come to terms with this, but realistically there isn’t much I can do until I’m 18. I’m in a red area, and the laws here make this whole situation even more complicated. Even though I’m now recognizing that a lot of the ways my parents communicate with me are emotionally harmful, I don’t expect the state to magically fix my home situation. So for now, I’m focusing on becoming independent.

Seriously, thank you to everyone who shared their experiences or gave me advice ily all sm🩷 you made a young trans man really happy. I read way more comments than I could possibly respond to, and hearing from trans adults who have lived through similar situations genuinely changed how I see what’s been happening.

I really hope I can use my talents to educate young peoples in the future, it gives me motivation to become a choral director someday and help young individuals through the magic of music. This gives me a reason to keep going. Thank you to all, you have given me hope.

Ty🩷

“Hiya everyone!! I’m the 15 yr old trans man who posted a bit ago about my bigoted parents!!! My last post was basically me saying I didn’t know what to do anymore, and it was titled “My mom told me, ‘My daughter is dead,’ and I don’t know how to move forward.”

I honestly wasn’t expecting my last post to get anywhere near the amount of attention it did. I originally posted because I was confused, hurt, and genuinely wondering if I was overreacting about my mother, and her reaction to my identity. Reading the comments, especially from older trans people and parents, made me realize I’ve been giving my mom way too much grace and taking on way too much responsibility for her feelings.

I spent so much time trying to explain myself better, find the right analogy, understand why she feels the way she does, and make being trans easier for her to process. I think I’m finally realizing that it isn’t my job to do all of that. I’m 15. She’s the parent.

I’m going to full stop discussing my gender with my parents for now. My mom has already said “she doesnt give a fuck” if I socially transition at school, so that’s what I plan on doing. (She screamed that trying to be transphobic, but whatever idc anymore) I’m going to focus on school, choir, color guard, saving money, and eventually becoming independent. I’m likely going no contact when I’m older, but I obviously have a few years before I have to make that final decision.

It sucks to come to terms with this, but realistically there isn’t much I can do until I’m 18. I’m in a red area, and the laws here make this whole situation even more complicated. Even though I’m now recognizing that a lot of the ways my parents communicate with me are emotionally harmful, I don’t expect the state to magically fix my home situation. So for now, I’m focusing on becoming independent.

Seriously, thank you to everyone who shared their experiences or gave me advice ily all sm🩷 you made a young trans man really happy. I read way more comments than I could possibly respond to, and hearing from trans adults who have lived through similar situations genuinely changed how I see what’s been happening.

I really hope I can use my talents to educate young peoples in the future, it gives me motivation to become a choral director someday and help young individuals through the magic of music. This gives me a reason to keep going. Thank you to all, you have given me hope.

Also, p.s, to the dumbass troll who came on my last post in a trans subreddit to call a 15-year-old boy “sick in the head”: you did not hurt my feelings. You just made yourself look weird. Please find a hobby.

Edit: the comment got deleted LMAO

I’m a 15-year-old trans guy, and I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.

I know my mom loves me. I know she’s scared. I know having a trans child probably isn’t what she expected, and I know she’s worried about how difficult my life could be.

But I’m getting to a point where I feel like her grief has become my responsibility, and I don’t think that’s fair.

For years, I’ve tried to explain who I am. I told her years ago that I didn’t feel like a girl, and over the last couple of years we’ve had more conversations until I eventually came out as a trans guy. Despite that, she recently told me there were “no signs” and that she thinks it’s “just a phase.” Hearing that honestly felt like everything I’d spent years trying to explain about myself had just been dismissed.

The hardest part isn’t even that she doesn’t understand. It’s how she talks to me.

She’ll ask me, “Why can’t you just be a masc lesbian?” “Why can’t you just wear a dress?” or “Why can’t you just ‘tone it down’?” She doesn’t say those things in a way that feels curious. To me, they come across as frustrated, desperate, and condescending, like she’s pleading with me to become somebody else instead of trying to understand the person I actually am.

One thing she cried about over and over was prom dresses. She talked about shopping for prom dresses together, seeing me get married as her daughter, and all of these traditionally femme moments she imagined having. I completely understand that parents can grieve expectations. I really do.

What hurts is feeling like I’m expected to carry that grief. It feels like I’m guilty because I didn’t become the person she imagined.

Then there are the things she has actually said to me.

She looked at me and YELLED, “My daughter is DEAD!! I hope you realize that.”

She laughed at my facial hair and told me I looked “disgusting.” ( I have pcos/pmos and I grow more prominent facial hair)

When I put on my binder for the first time, she sighed and looked disappointed instead of happy that I finally felt a tiny bit more comfortable in my own body.

She also asked me who would ever want to date me looking the way I do and said no cis guy would want me because I don’t have “the parts” they would want.

I just think that is so intrusive to say. All of this makes my blood BOIL.

She also says she doesn’t want me to struggle because trans people face discrimination. I believe that fear is genuine. But it feels like the answer she’s come to is that I should change instead of accepting that this is who I am.

I’ve spent so much time trying to help her understand. I’ve explained what being trans means, answered her questions, and explained respectful terminology. She often falls back on very traditional language, and she’s referred to trans men and trans women as “it.” I’ve explained why that language is wrong, but it still ALWAYS comes up.

One thing I’m really struggling with is that I don’t want to think of my own mom as bigoted. I love her, and I know she loves me.

But sometimes the things she says don’t just feel like confusion. They feel like the same things I’ve heard from openly anti-trans BIGOTS. I don’t know if it’s fair to call her one, and I don’t really want to (wouldn’t be suprised if yall think she is) I just know that some of the things she says and the way she says them feel that way to me.

Another piece of context is my dad. He’s extremely anti-trans and believes being trans is a cult. My mom has told me she feels caught in the middle between me and him. I understand that’s an incredibly difficult position to be in.

At the same time, it often feels like trying not to upset him has turned into asking me to change instead.

She also says she doesn’t want me to experience discrimination. The thing is… I already have. I’ve been bullied for being neurodivergent. I’ve been bullied for passing as a cis boy before puberty. I’ve been called transphobic slurs for YEARS. I’ve learned that people who want to bully you usually don’t need much of a reason. I’ve reported it, however my school is very damn silent abt it… I’m literally in the most conservative area in my state.

What I need from my mom isn’t for her to convince me to become someone else because the world can be cruel.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? If youve delt with smth similar how did you navigate it? If you’re a parent who struggled when your child came out but eventually came around, what helped you get there?

I really do want to understand both sides. Right now, though, I mostly just feel angry. I feel so voiceless.

Something to add: I have told her as well the quote of wouldn’t you rather have a happy trans son than a closeted “girl” that attempted twice in 2020.. she didn’t say anything…

Edit: my dad is a cop and my mom is a nurse if that makes it even more insane. I don’t unfortunately have access to therapy. :(

I spend so much time studying trans literature and science(the biology component) I think it’s crazy that I know more abt that than my parents but idk. I mean I am a collegiate performing student but idk

Edit again lol I have safe adults at my school so I hold my school very close to me :) but state legislatures make it very difficult but they still love and support me for who I am

Oh yeah I’m also in choir and color guard

LAST edit i swear: I LOVE YALL ALL SM IVE NEVER GOT SUPPORT LIKE THIS BEFORE THANK YOU ALL SM!!!!!!

I’m a 15-year-old trans guy, and I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.

I know my mom loves me. I know she’s scared. I know having a trans child probably isn’t what she expected, and I know she’s worried about how difficult my life could be.

But I’m getting to a point where I feel like her grief has become my responsibility, and I don’t think that’s fair.

For years, I’ve tried to explain who I am. I told her years ago that I didn’t feel like a girl, and over the last couple of years we’ve had more conversations until I eventually came out as a trans guy. Despite that, she recently told me there were “no signs” and that she thinks it’s “just a phase.” Hearing that honestly felt like everything I’d spent years trying to explain about myself had just been dismissed.

The hardest part isn’t even that she doesn’t understand. It’s how she talks to me.

She’ll ask me, “Why can’t you just be a masc lesbian?” “Why can’t you just wear a dress?” or “Why can’t you just ‘tone it down’?” She doesn’t say those things in a way that feels curious. To me, they come across as frustrated, desperate, and condescending, like she’s pleading with me to become somebody else instead of trying to understand the person I actually am.

One thing she cried about over and over was prom dresses. She talked about shopping for prom dresses together, seeing me get married as her daughter, and all of these traditionally femme moments she imagined having. I completely understand that parents can grieve expectations. I really do.

What hurts is feeling like I’m expected to carry that grief. It feels like I’m guilty because I didn’t become the person she imagined.

Then there are the things she has actually said to me.

She looked at me and YELLED, “My daughter is DEAD!! I hope you realize that.”

She laughed at my facial hair and told me I looked “disgusting.” ( I have pcos/pmos and I grow more prominent facial hair)

When I put on my binder for the first time, she sighed and looked disappointed instead of happy that I finally felt a tiny bit more comfortable in my own body.

She also asked me who would ever want to date me looking the way I do and said no cis guy would want me because I don’t have “the parts” they would want.

I just think that is so intrusive to say. All of this makes my blood BOIL.

She also says she doesn’t want me to struggle because trans people face discrimination. I believe that fear is genuine. But it feels like the answer she’s come to is that I should change instead of accepting that this is who I am.

I’ve spent so much time trying to help her understand. I’ve explained what being trans means, answered her questions, and explained respectful terminology. She often falls back on very traditional language, and she’s referred to trans men and trans women as “it.” I’ve explained why that language is wrong, but it still ALWAYS comes up.

One thing I’m really struggling with is that I don’t want to think of my own mom as bigoted. I love her, and I know she loves me.

But sometimes the things she says don’t just feel like confusion. They feel like the same things I’ve heard from openly anti-trans BIGOTS. I don’t know if it’s fair to call her one, and I don’t really want to (wouldn’t be suprised if yall think she is) I just know that some of the things she says and the way she says them feel that way to me.

Another piece of context is my dad. He’s extremely anti-trans and believes being trans is a cult. My mom has told me she feels caught in the middle between me and him. I understand that’s an incredibly difficult position to be in.

At the same time, it often feels like trying not to upset him has turned into asking me to change instead.

She also says she doesn’t want me to experience discrimination. The thing is… I already have. I’ve been bullied for being neurodivergent. I’ve been bullied for passing as a cis boy before puberty. I’ve been called transphobic slurs for YEARS. I’ve learned that people who want to bully you usually don’t need much of a reason. I’ve reported it, however my school is very damn silent abt it… I’m literally in the most conservative area in my state.

What I need from my mom isn’t for her to convince me to become someone else because the world can be cruel.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? If youve delt with smth similar how did you navigate it? If you’re a parent who struggled when your child came out but eventually came around, what helped you get there?

I really do want to understand both sides. Right now, though, I mostly just feel angry. I feel so voiceless.

I do have safe adults and community to my school, so I hold that school very close to me.. adults that keep me going :)