I feel left out
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My whole life, I've been single, and I'm in an impossible position to change that right now, which sucks, so save the bull crap. I need to put my circumstances in there because I'm 21 and can't drive. My parents refuse to teach me unless it's an absolute must. I'm a college student and a Starbucks barista working on my phlebotomy certification, and while my parents won't teach me unless it's necessary, they will help me get a car once I can afford it. It's crap, honestly, because so much of my lifeline revolves around them.
I don't have many friends in the States because some have treated me badly, while others live in a different state or country. With my job being as social as it is, I truly do try. I get to know my customers, and I talk to them. I've been there for three years, but I've never been flirted with, and it sucks.
I have sisters who have a very normal experience when it comes to men being attracted to them. My older sister is even getting married, and I'm happy for her. I really am. I always wonder, though, whether that will happen to me. I feel like I'm slowly losing my humanity, or at least my ability to care. My younger sister talks about all the creepy guys who hit on her, and all I can think about is telling her to consider herself lucky because at least she knows guys find her attractive and that she's wanted. That's something I've never been sure of myself.
I'll post a picture of myself, deadass. I don't think I'm ugly, but it's easy to get into that mindset when you've never experienced romantic attention.
I try to stay social through social media with my friends. I even tried Hinge, but I got ghosted after talking to someone for three or four months when I was 19. Now, at my grown age of 21, I feel like I'm losing my mind over my Japanese teacher. I don't even know why I picked that language in the first place. It's hard as hell!
I'm falling for my Japanese teacher. He's around my age, and I try to stay realistic about it. He's my teacher, so I tell myself he's doing his job, to let him do his job and let myself be a student, which I do. But then he does things that make me wonder. He showed me the message his friends had written on his bedroom wall that said, "Don't forget her." He was lying in bed with the wall in front of him while I was on the computer, so he turned the computer around to show me. He even told me he wanted me to see it.
He also told me during our last session that he wanted a girlfriend. He said Starbucks workers in Japan were cute. I'm a Starbucks worker. Sure, I'm not in Japan, but I'm still a Starbucks worker. We also talked about cute people, and he was pointing at himself while I was talking about my perspective on attractiveness.
And yeah, I know I sound crazy. Sometimes I wonder if he sounds like a bad teacher because of how he's acting, but he actually has good ratings, and his bio says he wants people to learn Japanese like they're learning with a friend. I tell myself he just doesn't realize how he's acting and that he's doing it unconsciously. He's Japanese, so I sometimes wonder if he even realizes that the way he's acting can be considered flirting. I know I can't assume that just because he's Japanese, but I do wonder if he knows how his behavior comes across. He could also just be playful, which might explain why he's acting like this.
But the way he's acting feels like it could at least be taken as flirting. These are the things I tell myself to calm down and be more realistic, but outside of that, I wonder if this is limerence. I feel like it is, and I know I'm going crazy. I feel crazy, in fact.
I just don't know how long these feelings will last, how deep they'll go, or whether I'm seeing this logically or denying myself the possibility that he might actually be interested in me. I don't want to get my hopes up over something that isn't there, but I also don't know if I'm convincing myself that I'm imagining everything because I've never experienced this before.