u/Undead-Teddy-Bear

I'm in the loneliest period of my life right now. No one to talk to, no one who accept the real me. I'm not even supposed to have online friends but the loneliness us getting is to much now. Someone who is a good listener and would let me vent would be so good right now.

Women only please.

My life consists of just wasting time on my phone because im too depressed to do anything else.

I also have to hide this reddit account from my dad so notifications are off. So I might reply late sometimes.

​

OK so im a freshly 18yo trans girl living in the closet with my transphobic and religious family. I realized I was trans about a year ago now. About 7 months after I left Islam and became an athiest. after I realized After my egg cracked I came out to some online friends who i knew for a few months. It was nice having people who supported me and made me feel accepted, seen, and heard, even if they were just people behind a screen. Anytime I needed to talk or vent I had them.

My only source of comfort was my phone. But it was not a good phone. Since my actually good one was stolen during final exam week. The shitty phone had no battery life unless it was plugged in. It froze a lot, and because it was an iPhone I couldnt use the app store since i didn't have a phone number. But I never bothered to get one since we were leaving soon (big fucking mistake) so if I wasnt on that phone I would use the school laptop my dad lent to me. I had my accounts on there but since he never checked through my accounts I thought I would be alright.

I searched for lots of trans content in google, reddit, pinterest aswell as porn to cope. Although i only ever watched porn on the phone but since it didnt have the google app or incognito i just used an alt account. I also shared lots of personal feelings with my friends. Feelings that would later put me in a lot of trouble.

During all this time it was me and my family's 3rd year in the Caribbean for a temporary stay. But finally the flight home was arriving in October. I was excited. Finally I could go back home to Canada where I was a little happier. But nearing the end of September everything went to shit.

My dad suddenly came into my room at like 4am. He doesn't knock. (Fucking asshole) I was on the computer playing games and talking to my online best friend. He asked me what I was doing but I didn't want him to take the laptop so I said I was talking to friends since any other time I said that he never cared. But this time he did and said he wanted to see my chats. I panicked and then let him go through them. I stood outside my room panicking because the secrets I was hiding so well were now flooding out.

Then we went to his room and I had to confess, my atheism, my opinions on queer people etc. A while after i went to my bed. Still had my phone and left one last message to my friend saying that I was outed. When I fell asleep I woke up and my phone was gone. They took that too. Over the next few days my dad went through my accounts and discovered everything. My gender identity, my hateful comments towards him and my grandma, my criticizims of his religion, the porn I didn't remove from my search history. I was completely exposed and my devices were gone completely. Went went through my dms leaving all of my friends on read. That was the end of all my online friendships.

All of this because I became too comfortable. Because I was a fucking idiot and didn't do things in a smarter way. Didn't delete my history didn't get the phone number which would have helped me keep things more secret. Why do I have to be so fucking stupid?

I ended up in more conversations with my dad and grandma having to explain what they saw. Got called a demon by my grandma and a tranny by my dad. I had to hold myself back when debating because if I said the wrong thing in the wrong tone I would get even more hurt. Even after i wrote a confession note explaining my feels and reasons for things (a lot of which was untrue) he still found a way to invalidate my feelings. Calling me naive over and over for fitting in and acting like everyone else even though I developed that habit because of how he raised me. To always be masculine and do what God says and nothing else. I could never be myself or explore my personality ever. I was just focused on being "normal" so i could die and go to heaven.

The flight home was delayed because my ticket had to be removed. My brothers went up and I was forced to stay so he could try and fix me. Since then I just watched TV and my dad had me start working at his car wash so at least I was able to make some money.

Since I didn't have a phone I would have to borrow my dad's old phone to call my brothers and mom. A managed to catch the pass code while looking over my dad's shoulder as he was putting it in. So one night I went through the phone while on a call. I clicked on Firefox and saw so much awful things in the history.

It was a lot of porn. But there were some really gross searches. Fucking Tranny/trap/shemale porn. Teen porn. What was his middle aged ass doing searching for that??? It was so horrible. He criticized me for my addiction and this was what he watched in his free time. How can you be transphobic and look at this stuff? If he doesn't believe trans women are women then is he a closeted bi? There was even one search for femboy on a porn site.

Ugh I hate thinking about this shit.

I got this new phone 3 months ago because I pretended well enough but it has parental controls on it so I cant watch queer or athiest YouTubers or make trans related searches. I cant listen to affirming audios that make me feel better. But he cant track what I view on reddit so I have 2 accounts, one that looks normal and this new one. Being able to join other trans communities has made me feel much better but im still doing so terribly.

I was forced back into his religion because it was either that or he kicks me and out and if that happened i would just kill myself. I hate it so much. The so claimed religion of peace is being forced on me because he thinks its the "correct way of life" I have to memorize shit I dont want to. I have to go to places of worship with him because I have no choice and I gotta act like I want to be there. I have to lie and say I've prayed when asked.

My dysphoria is getting worse and worse. My addiction returned. I cant make any online friends because I would have to be on reddit only and at this point I want an irl friendship over an online one. I barely take care of myself and I just sit around wasting time being a waste of space since I stopped working at the car wash.

I have to act like a enjoy living here. Say yes when they ask if i love them which always makes me feel so gross. Ive never truly loved anyone that wasnt behind a fucking screen. And even then those relationships weren't long enough to mean anything significant.

I'm just so tired of hiding. So tired of lying. So tired of pretending im ok like they aren't slowly breaking me down. I'm so tired of making them happy while I slowly die inside. I'm so tired of feeling frustrated and miserable. I'm just so tired in general. Idk what to do. I really really want to take my life but I also really want to live. Theres so much I want to do. But fighting this battle on my own with no one on my side is too much. Im finally going back to Canada next month but even then ill just be wearing the same mask in a different prison.

TLDR: Trapped in transphobic family and feeling very alone and isolated. Was forced out of the closet, then forced back into the closet, trying to hold onto hope and not take my life.