How do people have faith?
I have immense difficulty believing in something so absolute, yet so abstract and intangible. Prayer feels like dialogue between me and the open air, not God…there was never a moment in my life where I have said with confidence God has answered, nor have I felt His presence. I am now at a point where I must see or experience to sincerely believe at all, since He is beyond anything of this world…I can only accept miracles, because only a Hail Mary would dispel any doubt that has plagued me for this long.
I have asked in many instances for belief and faith, I have yet to receive.
I have been fatigued with doubt for so long and so consistently, that has proven to be more real than the one thing I was supposed to believe as someone that has been with a church for eight years. For five years I was agnostic, for two I gave my doubts up to God and took a leap of faith—professed my belief in Jesus Christ and confessed my sins, even in that critical moment I did not feel His presence, sometimes it feels like this is all just one big joke. I had believed that day would be the last that I would ever had to doubt because I genuinely wanted to believe God existed and at the very least, securing my faith would be a prayer God may want to answer.
Alas, my doubts emerged like dust under a rug and I struggled with it until I could not ignore it anymore. The one prayer I thought God would answer, the one thing I thought God would cultivate in me though the Holy Spirit fell apart as if He was never there to listen to begin with. Why?