u/Unspoken_Horrors

So my body dysmorphia started in my early 20s after a bunch of failed dates and crushes. I always based a lot of my worth on my looks because I’ve always had a really strong personality and I know I’m very different from most people. After a while I started comparing myself nonstop to the girls my crushes ended up with, and they all had the same thing in common — very tiny, thin bodies and super feminine faces.

Meanwhile I’m more medium-sized with a more normal looking face that isn’t as feminine, and it completely destroyed the way I saw myself. For 2 years straight I tried to force myself into becoming an XS. At one point I literally starved myself to the point where I got seriously sick and almost died. The lowest weight I ever reached was 53kg and even then it still wasn’t enough for me. I still couldn’t see any difference in myself physically.

I tried everything. Not eating, extreme cardio, diets, protein, strength training — nothing worked the way I wanted it to. My body just became weaker and constantly being hungry all the time made me depressed as hell.

Then at the beginning of this year I finally got a boyfriend, and he’s honestly perfect in every way. He’s in the army, has a really strong physique, and he also really likes goth girls (which I am). The first month was great, but then my body dysmorphia got really bad again. I became constantly terrified that he doesn’t actually find me attractive enough, that he’ll leave me the second he finds a prettier goth girl, that I’m too fat, etc.

At this point these fears have gotten so bad that I’ve actually considered leaving him because I feel like physically I’m just not enough for him. But at the same time, leaving him would completely shatter my heart and probably destroy my confidence even more aswell as my life.

I’m also exhausted from constantly begging for validation from other people just to stop hating myself for maybe five minutes. I thought about therapy, but I’m currently studying abroad away from my home country, so it’s not really an option for me right now.

I mostly came here because I feel completely lost and just needed to vent.

My boyfriend 31M wants to get me 24F pregnant, but naturally I’m terrified of the physical aftermath of childbirth. Because of that, I’ve been quietly paying attention to the kind of partner and future father he would actually be.

Today I asked him how he’d respond if a doctor suggested giving me a “husband stitch.” I honestly thought any decent man would immediately say absolutely not, but his response completely shocked me. Now I’m seriously questioning the relationship and whether I even see a future with him anymore.

He basically responded with: "Oh idk

Thats up to you bb

Im fucking you the same either way"

So recently I talked to my boyfriend, who is in the Army, and I know he’s planning to propose by the end of the year. Overall, I have a really good feeling about him. I trust him completely, and for the first time in my life I can genuinely picture settling down with someone and building a future together in the US.

The difficult part is my family. My whole family is in Austria. I’m not especially close with my aunts, uncles, or grandmother because I was always seen as the “black sheep” of the family because of my ADHD and because I chose an artistic career while everyone else became nurses, doctors, engineers, and things like that.

The real issue is my parents. My mother is very loving and caring, but also extremely controlling because she’s deeply anxious about losing me. My dad is emotionally more distant, but I know he cares just as much. I also have an older brother who got involved with the wrong people very early in life and became a severe drug addict. It got so bad that he eventually needed 24/7 supervision, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw him truly clean. I have one cousin as well, but he lives a very non-traditional lifestyle and doesn’t want marriage or children, which means that in my family I’m basically the only chance for grandchildren and continuing the family line.

That makes this even harder, because I do want children one day, but they would grow up far away from my parents, and I know that would break their hearts. My dad is already retired, and part of me always imagined being there for him when he gets older and needs me.

I already experienced how hard distance is for my mom. My first serious relationship was with someone from Germany, and she hated the idea for months simply because he lived in another country, even though it was right next to Austria. Then I moved to the UK to study Game Art for three years, and it nearly destroyed her emotionally. She spent months telling me how cruel it was to leave her behind and how worried she constantly was.

Since then, I’ve kept my relationship life mostly private from my family just to avoid conflict. My mom actually still thinks I’m together with my ex because she liked him, and honestly it just felt easier than explaining everything and dealing with more stress.

The thing is, she may already suspect something. I introduced my US boyfriend to my parents at Christmas, but I called him a “very good friend.” I think she could tell there was more going on between us by the way we acted, but officially I’ve never admitted that we’re together.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel incredibly guilty about leaving my parents behind because they’ve done so much for me. They paid for my education, helped me with my first apartment, supported me financially whenever I needed it, and despite their flaws, they are loving and thoughtful people.

I don’t know how to tell them that if I move to the US, they might only see me once a year from now on. I don’t know how to explain that I love them deeply, but that I also need to choose the person I want to spend my life with and build a future with.

Hey, so next year I'm moving to Austin with my boyfriend, I'm from Austria and I'm involved mainly in the German goth scene so moving to the usa and not knowing anyone in the scene or any events scares me a little so I was hoping to maybe get to know the scene and people from the scene beforehand :3