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I’m not over you

Me and her broke up a few months ago in April, it did take some time for me to go back to normal after the breakup, but I managed. Fast forward to I think 2 weeks ago, my thoughts about have become more frequent, I’ve started checking insta every day in the hopes she might text me. I don’t know why I still think about, it’s probably because she was my first girlfriend and I had most of my firsts with her. I know what I did wrong I’ve had to live it with it since, but I shouldn’t want her back, she wasn’t the best girlfriend, most of the time she didn’t care too much about the stuff I was into, I know that it might be a bit harder to care about stuff you’ve never had interest in before but still, she also wasn’t the most affectionate one day she was and the time after nothing. I hate getting attached to people, it’s just ends with them leaving. I should’ve matched her energy before it was too late. I’ve heard everything on how to not focus on her, it’s just my mind not wanting to let go of her just yet I guess. I’m only posting to talk about it I’d rather not get chewed out by my sister anymore than I already do.

I know to lift and exercise, and I want to do it, but I just can’t find the motivation for it. I’m 230lbs and I mostly have excess skin along with fat I want to get rid of the healthy way and gain muscle I lost back.

Really just need some advice on how to keep going once I start.

She loves music, she made well known to me, she even showed me some songs that I absolutely love, but now I can’t even walk into subway without thinking about her. Christ this sucks.

It’s been 4 weeks since we broke up, I’ve tried to distract myself with work, but at this point work is just muscle memory, so it doesn’t require much thinking. I’ve been stuck in my mind too much lately, thinking about every conversation we had and everything I’ve said realizing that the things I may have said or what I didn’t say is why we’re not together.I’m convinced that the only reason I’m still alive is because of hope that we might get back together. I’ve been praying more, most of them have been selfish requests, but I’ve also prayed for her happiness. I read on here that someone got that second chance that all of us hope for, told me they prayed to get back into contact with their ex, I hope my prayers are heard soon.

I sent her this, “I know things might have felt pretty intense lately, I’m not trying to pressure you into anything like I did before. I wanted to say that I’ve been reflecting on our relationship and I can see that I wasn’t giving you space and I was holding on too tight at most times. Anyway, I genuinely care about you and I hope your last few days of college are going okay.” Before I sent this it has been about 3-4 days of no contact, I’ve realized and reflected on the relationship and how I rushed into it which may have added pressure that I didn’t mean push onto her and not letting the relationship develop on its own. I know the relationship felt was almost two months long, but I did fall for this girl HARD and I don’t want her out of my life just yet. She means a lot to me, begging for her back wouldn’t fix anything and all I want is another chance, but I want to feel that I’ve earned that chance and it wasn’t just given to me.

She hasn’t answered to it, I’m not sending another one, that will just add to my anxiety, if she doesn’t answer by tomorrow I got my answer.

Something I realized after we broke up, I didn’t have a routine before we got together. Sure I had friends, but we didn’t really hangout all that much til me and her started dating. Thinking about it, I didn’t really have much of life to live, I had college and a job to work on, and I would usually just play games all the time. She was my only reason to go out and do things, I hate doing things alone, even at work I did my job alone, but planning dates and going out with that person you love the most is the best feeling, I’m gonna miss going on dates, I had some planned before we broke up, but now there of no use to me. I’m still moving on, I’m trying to convince myself I hate her at the moment, harder than you’d think it’d be not gonna lie. I won’t use that hate against her if I can find it, choosing hate so easily after breaking up is not something I can do easily, and I wouldn’t ever text her hateful messages, that’s the wrong way to handle this heartbreak. Anyway, I’m trying to find a new routine.